


Spring Flurries

by BlackCatula



Category: Adventure Time
Genre: Action/Adventure, Age Difference, Backstory, Comedy, Drama, F/F, May/December Relationship, Romance, Slow Burn, Third Wheels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-29
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 05:10:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 137,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4509075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackCatula/pseuds/BlackCatula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ice Queen & Fionna have always been mortal enemies. That's basic science! But things stop making all that usual sense when Ice Queen starts...wait, is she just messing with Fionna, or...FLIRTING? Is there a difference? And why does this sudden battle of heroism versus hormone-ism make Fionna so ANGRY? Find out in this totally bonkers rom/com/dram ADVENTURE!</p><p>[This was my first attempt at a proper fanfiction that I posted on the internet; chapter 1 was written circa 2012! Forgive the roughness of the early chapters, I really improved over the course of the 3 years I spent working on this fic. It really does get better, trust me! It's a blast! A snow blast!]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Let's Build A Snow Butt!

"Are you sure we should even be here?"

"Of course, dude." Fionna said, waving her hand dismissively. "Nothing to worry about when you're with me and Cake."

The prince steepled his fingers and cast a wary glance around the area. "Well...I suppose there's some truth to that."

"Come on, then!" Fionna trotted off into the snow, dropping her backpack beside a large, blanketed rock. "We'll just play right here, in this little area."

Gumball waded a few steps into the shallows, briefly scanning the thinly-clouded skies out of habit. "And she won't mind, you think?"

"Relax, princey!" said Cake. "Look at all this snow! You think Ice Queen's gonna pop her top over us playing with just a bit of it? I mean, it's not like she's using it, right?"

"Well, I suppose.” He dragged his foot across the snow idly, voice still tinted with caution. “I just think I'd feel safer if you’d chosen a different place for this pic--"

"Let's build a snow butt!" Fionna exclaimed.

The prince muffled a snort. He watched Fionna get right to work, zealously rolling a snow boulder into shape. Ahh, Fionna...ever the master of derailing a person’s apprehensions. She clearly wasn’t worried, so why should he be? She’d protect him come what may, no doubt about that. She was a born hero.

With one final scan of the skies, he shrugged and joined in, followed by the expert sculptress Cake. Things were never as complicated when these two were around. They made the pieces of the puzzle of life fit together by sweeping them all off the table and making a table fort instead.

"See Gummy?” Fionna grinned. “Stuff is tons more fun when you stop worrying about old Freezer Burn and just play!”

Gumball laughed and leaned up against the cheek of their impending masterpiece. "I admit, I am having quite a good time."

His contagious smile spread to Fionna's face. "Nice change from being all prims and props all the time, right?"

She watched prince nod approvingly as he helped mold the sculpture into shape. It was really heartwarming to see Gumball enjoying himself for a change. He'd been rather stuffy lately, too crowded by Candy Kingdom business affairs to give himself any truly royal treatment. But here and now, relieved of duty for the day, he was free to paint his face with a warm, genuine smile that quite stirred her heart guts.

WHAP! A flying snowball knocked her out of her daydream.

"Hey!"

Cake giggled and started rolling another snowball between her paws.

"You’re gonna get it now, dude!"

Out here in the tight, cool air where the Ice Kingdom met the plain old plains, there was nothing quite so fun as a good snowball fight. There was snow in the Ice Kingdom year-round, even when the plains were swamped with summer humidity. On the hottest of days, you could chill yourself to the bone marrow in a snowball fight, then hop back across the border into the heavy, breathless air of the plains to warm back up. You’d never be too hot, and you’d never be too cold. A playmate's paradise.

Not that Fionna would ever call Gumball a "playmate". That just sounded weird.

"Whoa, wait a sec, guys. Did the butt just jiggle?"

Cake didn't stop rolling snowballs. "YOUR butt's gonna jiggle when I pelt it with these babies!"

"No, seriously," Fionna said, dodging one last projectile before standing very still. Cake halted her volley when she saw Fionna slowly stretching out her arm to grasp the sword in her backpack.

A subdued scuffle etched its way across the plane of hearing, and was then superseded by a sudden sharp burst. Snow particles exploded through the air like confetti as the Ice Queen emerged from the crease of the sculpture.

“SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!”

She charged forward in a flurry of flying flakes, reaching out to snatch Gumball with her clawlike fingers. The prince fell backwards and started scurrying away, to be replaced by Fionna, swinging her purple crystal sword in wild arcs. "Get off the road, crazy woman driver!" she shouted.

Ice Queen flew on undaunted, contorting her way under the stroke of the oncoming blade. Thinking quickly, Gumball scooped together a snowball and hurled it at the Ice Queen's face. On contact, she brushed the snow away with her eyebrows, using them like windshield wipers.

A moment later, she had tackled and pinned the prince to the ground by his shoulders. "Time to unwrap this stick of gum...". She licked her lips and traced a finger down his chest...only to be interrupted by a snowball to the back of the head.

"Cool it, tomboy!” she shouted over her shoulder. “Just let me open my birthday present first!”

"No way, Queenie!" Fionna stamped a foot, but it was muffled by the snow. She turned it into a angry walking movement. "Get up and fight me!"

She sighed dramatically. "Alright...chill, babe." The Ice Queen put a finger to Gumball's lips and mouthed the words 'just one minute'. Then she rose to full height and turned to face her opponent.

"Icy we'll have to settle this the cold, hard way," she purred, delivering the pun with more sauce than was necessary.

Fionna stopped in mid-pace to put her palm to her forehead. "Ugh, and stop with the puns. They're so dinkus!"

"Ooh, someone can't handle my flurry of puns!" A wicked grin spread across the queen's face as she started circling with Fionna. "'Snow wonder. You're too big a flake to understand them! They just drift right over your head!"

Fionna paused, trying to think of a good retort. "They're just DUMB...glacier-butt!"

Ice Queen wagged her finger and began charging up an ice beam with her other hand. "Ice try, girl, but I can see that frozen look on your face! I’ve given you a brain freeze, haven’t I? You make me sicle! Now I’m going to have to--GUHH!"

She stumbled forward, her face planting in the shallow snow as the tiara flew off her head. Cake slung her baseball bat-shaped hand over her shoulder. "STRIKE ONE!" she called, then spit and tugged her ear for effect.

The queen pushed herself up on all fours, only to have the wind forcibly extracted from her lungs as Fionna kicked her in the stomach. "Lay down and stay down, ya fridge-witch. And stop trying to jack up the prince, or I'll jack up your face."

She left the queen gasping and helped Prince Gumball to his feet. "Come on PG, let's get you back to the Candy Kingdom."

The queen quickly fumbled her way forward, scrambling for the tiara. She clutched it tightly to her heaving chest, running her fingers along its smooth, golden surface until her breathing slowly returned to normal."So...unfair...” she hissed back at her assailant. “You won't let me take a mate, you won't even friend zone me! On my birthday, of all days!”

She continued rasping something, but the trio was already walking out of range of hearing by that point.

A bit shaken, but quickly recomposed, the prince shot a brief glance back over his shoulder in case the queen decided to pursue. She didn’t. "Was that really necessary, Fionna?" he asked.

Fionna didn't look back. "Of course it was, dude. I mean...it was, wasn't it? You don't...like her, do you?"

Gumball raised a hand in assent. "No, you're right. She gives me the chills." A pause. "Er, no pun intended."

Cake snorted.

"No, she was definitely in the wrong for jumping me like that,” the prince continued. He changed his tone slightly. “I just wonder sometimes if your heroic acts are bit too...ehm...aggressive."

Fionna tugged on the straps of her backpack and kicked a small rock idly as she walked. "But...kicking butts is what I do best! I spank evil's buns and leave 'em there to cool until they need another spanking."

"Yeah," Cake butted in. "And besides, that was the ICE QUEEN. You know she's bad news. There’s no way to be too rough with her."

After a moment's consideration, Gumball nodded in agreement, though his face suggested he was still debating it. Fionna remained silent, as though not interested in giving the matter any more thought.

Cake glanced back and forth between the two of them. The only sound to be heard was the shuffling of shoes on grass. Gumball’s expression was distant, lost in thought. He occasionally glanced skyward, but didn’t speak. Fionna’s face was unusually blank. Feeling slightly awkward, Cake smacked her lips to break the silence.

"So...did you see how I clocked her while she was distracted, Fi?"

Fionna half-smiled, her expression thawing back to life. "Yep, that was pretty sneaky, Cake. Pretty sneaky...".

"She's such a dumb butt," Cake continued. "She actually pays more attention to her banter than she does to her fighting! If you get talky, she gets cocky!"

"Yeah," Fionna agreed. "She's pretty dumb...".

"She's so dumb, she’d bring ice to a fire fight." Cake carried on, snickering at her own joke.

Fionna turned toward her this time. "Cake, I think that's enough."

"She's so dumb, I bet all her brain food goes to her thunder thighs!"

"Cake!" Fionna stopped and grabbed her friend's cheeks between thumb and forefinger. "Seriously. Cool it."

Taken aback, Cake paused, then submitted, mumbling "Yeah, well, Ice Queen's so dumb, you tell HER to cool it and she shoots it with ice."

Fionna cracked a slight smile at that one. "Cake, you so crazy."

"Naw, YOU so crazy," her cat replied.

Fionna pulled a weird face at Cake. "Bleeeaaaahhh".

Cake countered with a face of her own. "Bluuuuuurrr".

"Well, I thank you for accompanying me home, ladies." Gumball turned to bid them farewell. “And thanks for the entertainment. You’ve really put my mind at ease.”

Fionna smiled jovially. “Sure thing, dude. Just doing what we do.”

Gumball returned the smile. “Well don’t ever stop. Thanks again, bye now.”

He turned on his heels and walked off into the gates of his candy domain. Fionna watched him go until the doors were shut behind him.

“We goin’ home now, booger?” Cake asked.

“What? Oh, yeah. Totes.”

Fionna took the lead.

“You were checkin him out, weren’t you, girl?”

“What? What are you talking about Cake? Of course not.”

Cake’s face folded into a smug smirk. “Whatever you say, Fi. Whatever you say...”.

Fionna sighed and rolled her eyes. “Let’s just hurry up and get home now. I kinda want a bath.”

Cake stopped. “A BATH? You??”

A light breeze struck up, causing Fionna to shiver. Spring was still around the corner, it seemed. “Yeah, I just...I dunno, after all those Ice Queen jokes I feel kinda...dirty.”

“Pff” Cake said, waving a paw. “You’re just being a baby.”

Fionna stared at the ground, thumbs behind her backpack straps. “Yeah...maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“...maybe.”

A crooked smile wound its way back across Cake’s face. “Maybe, maybe, ya big blue baby,” she rapped. “Don’t be messin with me or I’ll be givin you da rabies!”

Fionna gave in and chuckled, slinging Cake over her shoulder for the remainder of the walk home.

The impending candy-colored sunset would have signified the end of the day and the close of another daily chapter in the lives of two fun-loving heroes, if not for the cold, raspy sigh ambling between the sheer shining faces of the Ice Kingdom mountains...


	2. Thanks For Breaking My Nose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ice Queen, at the behest of a few too many glasses of root beer, flies out in the middle of the night, determined to claim a present for her birthday. Penguins are just really bad party hosts, I think.

KLINK!

The sound of the bottle reverberated through the crystalline catacombs, stirring the attention of various penguins, who all waddled toward its source.

Slumped low in her shimmering ice recliner, dress and hair disheveled, the Ice Queen blew a ring of cold air as one might blow a smoke ring and topped her glass up again. She wore a flattened frown across her face, no doubt aggravated by the glasses of root beer she couldn’t seem to stop forcing down her throat.

She shifted her gaze down to the exposed ankle she was resting on the edge of the table. A penguin stared back at her, eyes shimmering and curious.

“What do you want?” She glared back into those eyes for a moment, unblinking, as though channeling her frustration into a single psychic assault, then released her energy in the form of an unfiltered belch.

She automatically reached again for the bottle, which was now empty. Coordination slightly inhibited, she bumped it with her hand and knocked it off the table, where it clattered and rolled into the congregation of penguins forming nearby. Like any penguins would, they formed a circle and began spinning the bottle to see who should kiss who.

The Ice Queen watched the bottle spin through a root beer filter. The spirits did funny things to her perception, causing her to see the strangest of patterns. Watching the bottle point to each unique penguin was like watching her own emotions spinning round and round to each different point on the Wheel of Feels. First it pointed to happy, flappy Gertrude, reminding her that it was indeed her birthday, and she’d gone out and done something exciting, and that should count for something. Then the bottle pointed to fussy, pouty Gertrude, who represented the fact that the excitement had been cut short and she’d gotten rather painfully rejected from all sides. Then it pointed to passive, relaxed Gertrude, the ‘well, the pain wasn’t that bad, not really. Surely I’ve had worse...’ feeling. Then it pointed to unremarkable Gertrude, confirming that this analogy would have made a lot more sense if she had only bothered to give every penguin an individual name.

Summoning whatever strength she was able to dredge up from the deepest parts of her bones, she sat up, picking up the nearest Gertrude and sitting her properly on her lap.

“Gertrude, what should mommy do, hmm? What should mommy do about this crinkle-crumb birthday dilemma she’s having?”

“WENK, WENK.” Gertrude flapped her wings pathetically.

“What?” A weird look shot briefly across Ice Queen’s face. “No, that’s a one-person game. I want to do something WITH someone.”

“WENK?”

Another weird look, with a hint of blush (or perhaps just natural intoxication). “Well, yes...THAT...but I want to do something...more socially acceptable. You know?”

There was a pause, followed by a rather curt “WENK.”

“Something not with you,” she responded flatly.

Gertrude looked up to the ceiling. “...WEEEENK...”

Ice Queen forced the penguin’s head back level with her own. “Don’t take that tone with me, you little runt. And don’t give me those snotty little penguin tears. You’re such a drama queen, honestly...”.

That returned a somewhat hopeful “...WENK?”.

Ice Queen considered this, eyes a bit glazed. “Yes...yes, I think you’re probably right, Gertrude. In fact, you’re very right! Yes!”

She stood up, letting the penguin fall to the floor where she landed on her bottom with a tiny ‘squeak’ sound.

“Yes, no more mama drama! I’m making a definite choice! It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to! And I DON’T want to!”

She gathered up the hem of her dress and straightened the whole thing out, smoothing it back its former regal glory, then stormed across the room to the open window, greeted by a rather chilling draft.

Oh. No wonder. Night was already upon the land.

Well, no matter, she thought. The cover of night is mine to hide under as I see fit.

She stepped up on the windowsill, turned to the Gertrudes and gave a sharp warning about going in Mommy’s Bedroom, threw back her snowdrift hair and leaped out the window, into the early night’s breeze. Intoxication aside, she gracefully rode the chilly gusts of wind into the staggered cloud cover above, cackling giddily to herself. It was going to be a fun birthday after all...

Flying through the night skies was far more relaxing for the queen than most people knew. A few glasses of root beer may have inhibited her basic coordination a bit, but flying was something far more automatic. The magic of the tiara and the strength of the wind allowed her to glide as freely as she pleased. She need only know which direction she wanted to go (not an issue for tonight’s mission), and to watch out for trees. With so much freedom, she’d begun putting herself on autopilot and using the flight time to pursue other interests like poetry, star-gazing and even personal grooming.

Coming upon the massive tree house, she slowed her flight and righted herself, descending slowly as the resisting air washed over her like a gentle stream. She alighted in the back yard, ducking below a window near the rear entrance. She slowly peeked her head up to look inside.

The room was a bit dim, lit by a dozen disorganized candles. Sitting slouched in the middle of the floor was Cake, hunched over her dulcimer, sheets of scribble-covered paper scattered all around her. She hammered a couple of notes, wrote something down, then scratched her head with the mallet, and repeated.

Stupid cat. Hum...but where was Fionna? The queen cupped her hands around her eyes and peered from side to side, unable to locate any shadows with bunny ears. Must be in another room...

With a flip of her hair, she rose off the ground and flew up to another window on the second floor. The kitchen was surprisingly clean and proper. Then again, it was dark and not completely visible. She hovered, ghostlike, over to another window.

Fionna’s bedroom was a train wreck. Piles of treasure glinting in the moonlight. Broken statuettes lined the shelves on the walls. Maps and paintings and crayon renderings of monsters on every wall. The floor and bed were littered with shirts and boots and bras and even just scraps of detached material. But Fionna was still nowhere to be seen.

The queen scratched her shoulder and flew over to the detached room that sat precariously on an outgrown limb from the main unit. She popped her head up through the hole in the floor, scanned in 360 degrees, then pulled out and back toward the tree.

Where is she? She demanded of herself.

Oh, wait.

There was another light in a lonely window on the far side of the tree house. Moving in closer, she saw it was a bathroom, lit much brighter than the other rooms. Using her carefully-rehearsed stealth tactics, she peered up over the edge of the window sill, trying to conceal her otherwise prominent eyebrows.

Her eyes widened a bit.

There was Fionna, lounged in the entirely-too-small bathtub in the center of the room, eyes closed and mouth slightly agape. Her arms and legs hung limply over the sides, and her hair was strewn messily across her face. Come to think of it, the Ice Queen had never seen the hair beneath that silly bunny hat of hers. It was very short and well-kept, except for the one long tuft in the front. Hum...cute.

She definitely seemed to be asleep, if the slight bobbing of her chest was any indication. How anyone could sleep in such a squished and awkward position was beyond the queen’s understanding. She ascended a bit higher to get a better look.

Well now...she’s plumping out quite nicely, isn’t she? The queen ran her eyes up and down the length of Fionna’s blossoming body, vague memories of such youthfulness shifting in and out of her memory. Arms and legs of different proportion, all growing out of phase. The confusing new bags of flesh with pointy knobs on her chest. The sprouting of hair where once such pastures were barren and smooth. Ah, to be young and curious again...

She smiled when the girl twitched her arm involuntarily, then turned to alarm when she saw her reach forward and sit up. She ducked out of the line of sight, but quickly moved back to the nearest point where she could at least continue her little peep show.

She watched the water sliding and dripping off of Fionna’s tree-trunk thighs and barbarian back as she stood up and crossed the room to grab a towel. As soon as her enticing parts were covered, the queen snapped back into reality. It was show time.

The wooden wall creaked and groaned, then smashed and crashed open, the Ice Queen’s glaring shadow silhouetted by the moonlight of the night behind her.

“WHAT THE CRAM?!” Fionna backed herself against the makeshift sink, struggling to wrap the towel around her body. Her eyes went from wide with fear to glowering slits when she saw who the shadow belonged to.

“What are you doing in my bathroom, Ice Queen?” she demanded.

The queen took an awkward step forward, still a bit tipsy. “You didn’t finish your dinner, tomboy!” She held up an electric blue finger and tossed a tiny ice bolt at the hand holding the towel in place. Fionna didn’t move, or flinch when the bolt deflected off the back of her hand.

“Get out of here! I’ll beat you tomorrow or something.” Her eyes darted around the small room, looking for something sharp or heavy she could swing. All of her usual arsenal was back in the bedroom, no time to run across in front of the queen and grab something.

“Not good enough! My birthday is TODAY, so I want some action TODAY!” Ice Queen began charging up another blast as she staggered closer. Fionna’s brain worked quickly, but her nemesis seemed particularly unpredictable tonight.

The Queen fired two hooked shots, resulting in two ice manacles pinning her wrists to the wall. She stepped in a bit closer, one hand raised. “Come on, is that the best you’ve got?”

“What do you even want from me?!” Fionna arched her back forward, struggling against her braces. The towel slipped a bit further down with each thrust.

The Queen hesitated her strike, eyes on the edge of the towel. Just a little bit more...CRASH!

“What’s going on in here?!” Cake growled furiously. “Wha-Ice Queen?!”

There is a law at work in the universe that ensures that of all possible scenarios in a given situation, the worst possible one will occur when you are the least prepared for it. Ice Queen remembered reading that a long time ago. She also remembered it happening; it happened the time she was learning to fix her shower, the time she tried kidnapping the Flame Prince, and it was happening right now.

Claws, fur, hair, snow, and fists, collided and contorted in many ways as Cake and Fionna double-teamed the Ice Queen against the bathtub. Punches were thrown, clothes were torn, hair pulled, body parts were frozen. It was a mess.

Now, it may have been the root beer thinking for her, but the Ice Queen noticed that despite the snarling, yelling, and hacking, she was enjoying this. Faced with the threat of imminent pummeling, she found her body pumping with adrenaline and buzzing with life. She tapped into that energy and redoubled her resistance against her attackers, freeing her neck from Fionna’s fingers and knocking her and her cat back against the far wall.

She hacked for a moment as she caught her breath, and that hacking turned to cackling and laughter as she rose to full height, hands once again charging up ice beams.

“What’s wrong with you, you old hag?!” Fionna demanded, springing to her feet and once again readjusting her towel. “You don’t just bust into people’s bathrooms!”

The queen raised a hand and fired a bolt into the floor before Fionna’s feet. “And YOU don’t just go around forgetting people’s birthdays!”

Fionna glanced over to Cake, who just shrugged. “It’s...no way, it’s not your birthday. Is it?”

The queen took a few steps forward, ice crystals surging around her hands and slowly wrapping out in a constricting spiral, forming edges and lines that slowly solidified into two blades. “It doesn’t really matter anymore now, does it?” she said, grinning coldly. “...because you’re about to give me a gift either way.”

Fionna took a fighting stance and shot her eyes around the room once more. Time was running out. Not many options left.

The queen raised the blades in a menacing pose as she continued her slow advance, her feet much more coordinated this time. She casually fired a bolt at Cake when the cat leaped at her from one side, putting her out of commission for the moment. She didn’t release Fionna from her frozen glance for even one moment, the fire in her heart mingling with the chill of her face to produce an aura of faint steam around her entire body.

Her prey remained motionless, breathing subdued and heart beating wildly. She saw it. She just needed an opening. She licked her lips.

...now.

The queen lashed forward, one blade arcing from on high as Fionna ducked down low and twisted past her toward the bathtub. She jerked the faucet loose and turned on her heel just in time to duck from the wild swing of the other blade. The queen spun around and faltered in mid-swing, pausing to stare at Fionna for a moment. The towel was lying on the floor.

Fionna quickly glanced down and felt her cheeks flush, but when she looked back up, the queen seemed to be flushed as well. Taking advantage of the moment, she swung the faucet head hard, connecting with Ice Queen’s face and sending her crashing to the ground.

The queen lay there for a moment, then grabbed her tiara and returned it to her head, pushing herself up on all fours. She ran the back of her hand across her face, watching it return with a streak of purple blood.

With a cracking sound, Cake pulled herself out of her glacial prison and stood beside Fionna, whose white-knuckled hand was still gripping the faucet and visibly shaking.

The queen stood up, her ice blades abandoned on the floor, and wordlessly looked over to her two nemeses, breathing heavily. Fionna looked down at her faucet hand, noting the blood spatter, and looking intensely back at its previous owner. Then she turned to Cake, usually her advisor in moments like these. Cake reflected her expression, then frowned again at the queen.

Raising a hand to her face, the queen slowly licked the partially dried blood from her hand like Cake might lick a wound, then stared straight into Fionna’s eyes...and smiled. A wicked smile.

She moved back toward the hole she’d made in the wall, eyes not leaving the girl for a moment. She stood on the very edge of the floor, watching over her shoulder. “That’s it for tonight then, eh, tomboy?”

Fionna glared back at her, shivering from the cold air filling the bathroom and washing over her bare skin.

“Thanks for breaking my nose,” the queen added, sniffing and wiping away another dribble of blood before running her eyes up and down Fionna’s body once more. “And thanks for the show.”

“You’d best get the fluff out of here, Ice Queen!” Cake snarled.

The queen held the moment a little longer, her smile devilish and ambiguous, then jumped out into the night, disappearing within seconds.

“You hurt, booger?” Cake asked, shifting moods on a dime.

“I’m fine,” Fionna said automatically, looking down once more at the faucet head in her hand. “Really. She didn’t even hurt me.”

“You sure?” Cake asked, picking up the towel and handing it to her friend. Fionna ignored it, walking out into the bedroom.

“Cake, I’m fine! Really.” She dropped the faucet head on the floor among the stacks of other junk and rummaged in the dresser for a pair of fuzzy pajamas. “Totally fine.”

“Alright, alright,” Cake submitted. “Just a little worried, girl. Not every day a queen breaks into your bathroom and tries to slice your skull open.”

Her empathy was met with a slam of the dresser drawer and a grunt as Fionna threw herself on the bed.

“Sorry I peeped your beepers, girl,” the cat added, picking up the faucet head and returning it to the bathroom.

“Whatevs,” Fionna responded with a hand wave. “Nothing you haven’t seen before.”

“Sorry Ice Queen peeped your beepers...” came a mumble from the bathroom.

“Cake!” The word was delivered very sharply. “Just...just don’t even mention her right now, okay? Just drop it. I don’t want any. Nobody’s home. No more Ice Queen.”

Cake returned to the foot of the bed, hands on her hips. She stared at Fionna a moment, trying to read her flustered expression. It wasn’t like her to stay upset after a battle, especially one she had won. “Well, I’m just trying to help.”

She was met with an angry sigh as Fionna flipped over to stare out the window. “You want some time alone, then?”

“...yeah.”

She hesitated, but left the room, leaving Fionna bathed in moonlight and swamped in uncertainty. Ice Queen didn’t quite seem to be herself tonight. Something was off about her expression. That smile certainly worried her. Ice Queen was acting funny, but Fionna wasn’t laughing...

She didn’t fall asleep that night until the moon finally tucked itself under a quilt of dark, puffy clouds.


	3. Tastes Like Pineapple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fionna saves a tribe of piggies from a dragon thingy, and gets invited to a feast! The party is a welcome vacation from...wait, who the flack invited Ice Queen to this party?!

As if the stagnant, humid air of the islands weren’t already hot enough, the monster was spewing flames from its nostrils, singeing and frying what little there was left of the grass in the area. Fionna wiped her brow with a greasy hand, blew the sticky, sweaty hair out of her face for the fourteenth time, and started at the beast again.

“Cake, clothesline him!”

Spidering her way across the scorched and patchy landscape, Cake stretched herself in front of the barracuda-dragon’s path and wrapped her long, rubbery legs around an outstretched tree limb, then flung her upper body over to an outcropping rock formation in the opposite cliff wall. The beast caught itself just below the chin on Cake’s stomach as its feet kept moving forward, sliding out from underneath, toppling it to the ground on its back.

As it writhed and screeched and sneezed out tiny fireballs, Fionna came dashing up from the rear, sword in the air. Teeth grinding sharply, she deftly sidestepped the onslaught of rogue flames and thrust her sword into the beast’s forehead. After a vicious snarl and a scream, its voice died away, leaving only the charred scent of burnt grass, a ringing in the ears, and a layer of soot that covered the entirety of the land, save for one small pineapple tree tucked away in an isolated pocket behind the cliffs that would thousands of years later serve as a religious totem for a tribe of clay goblins.

One by one, small, squishy pig heads peeked up from behind boulders and tree trunks to survey the scene. Soon the body of the behemoth was surrounded by curious little piglets, no longer under siege. A particularly fat piglet with a circlet of twigs adorning her head approached Fionna, who was now collapsed on her bottom, fanning herself by flapping the hem of her shirt.

“Monster is dead?” she asked in a greasy voice.

Fionna leaned forward poked the dragon's face with the foot. She stuck her fingers in his nose and plucked an eyelash for good measure. All that eliciting no response, she nodded. "Yup, this guy's croaked like a bull toad."

The pig leader grunted and raised Fionna's hand. "Monster-killer!" she shouted triumphantly. The smaller pigs erupted in a chorus of squealing and began twirling in dances around the heroes.

"Woo, look at those little potbellies go!" Cake exclaimed, winding herself back up and sidling over beside her companion. "Forget the reward girl, this little jig is worth every bit of that fight!"

Fionna smiled, but didn't get up. She was exhausted. Rightfully so, after a two-hour battle with a barracuda-dragon twice her size. She continued fanning herself, watching the spinning swine lose their grass skirts in mid-turn.

"Eat now!" The lead pig commanded, pointing to the beast's limp body. A sea of pigs stopped dancing and swarmed around the creature, wriggling their grubby hooves beneath the loose folds of skin and heaving with a might unfitting of the tiny squeaking sounds coming from their mouths as they did.

Fionna had to laugh at this part. She'd always loved the Piggamees for being adorable and pink, but it was their uncharacteristic strength and primitive tribal customs that really won her over. Watching tiny piglets in grass skirts work together to lift a monster off the ground and carry it back to their village was a sight that could always put a smile on her face.

The little Piggamees worked quickly, effortlessly slicing the beast into smaller and smaller slabs with their razor-edge rock knives, then skewering each slab to be cooked over an open flame. Fionna's stomach roared to life as the smell of frying meat began pervading her senses. After a long battle, the aroma of food would always stir the ravenous beast inside her. She tried to push it out of her mind by cleaning herself up a bit.

When she rejoined the crowd, its population had more than doubled, now filled with many different creatures from neighboring islands and distant corners of this one. Music meandered through the air. Piggamees danced and juggled fruit and kissed each other’s noses joyously. A stilt-legged goose carried children on its back through the sea of party-goers. This was a full-on celebration now.

On seeing Fionna, the chief awkwardly rose from her chair, chin dripping with meat dressings and corn juice, and pulled her over to the chair beside her. “Hero, eat! Victory of monster, show strong!”

The table itself was piled high with dragon steaks, fruits and dressings, a myriad of seafood delights, and tangy, bubbly drinks. Fionna licked her lips and failed to notice that she had been piling her plate with everything her eyes ran across on their journey down the table until they returned back to it at the end. The moment she saw it was the moment the food was already in her mouth. She looked up at Cake, sitting across from her, laughing.

“You’re such a little pig, Fi!” she chuckled in between bites. “You fit in so well here!”

The chief slammed her hand on the table in assent. “Yes! Tonight, you pig!” She slapped Fionna on the shoulder in congratulation.

“I’m pig?” Fionna asked, straining to pause from chewing for a moment.

“You fight strong! Good heart! Brave like pig!”

“Oh. Yeah, pig. Of course!” She resumed feeding the beast within.

Cake leaned back and patted her stomach. “I’m gonna need to stop, girl. This stuff’s puttin me right to sleep! I can’t keep up with you, anyway.”

“Mo wum cam keef uf wif me,” Fionna responded, swallowing a mouthful and immediately replenishing it. “Ama mafeen!”

“I’m a machine too,” Cake yawned. “A dream machine. I’m takin’ a nap. Wake me up when you’re ready to go, okay?”

Fionna burped in response. Cake smiled and reclined further back in her chair and shut her eyes, drifting to sleep as the band struck up another playful song.

Away from the table, creatures and people of all sizes were forming a line and swaying to the rhythm of the music, all destined to pass beneath a limbo bar at the end. Fionna swiveled around in her seat to watch the action, munching happily on a pineapple-soaked slab of dragon meat.

Wait a minute.

She squinted against the torchlight, trying to get a better view. That...couldn’t be. No way.

She rose to her feet, swallowing the last of what was on her plate. The figure in question was jerking along just like the rest of the crowd, but, even silhouetted, seemed eerily familiar. Fionna cupped her hands around her eyes and concentrated her beam of vision as the figure delicately ducked beneath the bar, upper body shaking in perfect time to the music. When the head came up and whirled around to get back in line, she saw it.

That fluffy, billowing hair. That pale, ethereal skin. The glint of the golden tiara. And that big, bouncing, bubbly buttocks.

“Oh GLOB, what is SHE doing here?”

The chief pig glanced over and shrugged. “Party guests! Dance good!”

“No,” Fionna tossed her plate back on to the table. “I mean, what is she DOING here?”

She stormed across the dance floor to the figure in question, who was presently engaged in hip-bumping a fat lizard man. “What the nuts, Ice Queen?!”

The queen spun around and her face lit up cordially. “Fionna, darling! You’re at this party too? Oh, come here, girl!” She moved forward, arms open to greet her.

“Wha--back off, you!” Fionna slapped the queen’s hands away.

“What?” Ice Queen seemed genuinely confused. “What’s wrong?”

“Seriously,” Fionna said with an exaggerated hand wave. “Why the crumb are you always following me everywhere?”

The queen frowned. “What following? I’m on vacation, see!” She gestured to her outfit, presently composed of a bikini top with a lei of flowers dangling from her neck and a slightly-askew grass skirt.

“Vacation?” Fionna snorted, eyeing the queen up and down and noting the bandage over her nose from their last encounter. “What kind of queen takes a vacation?”

The queen dragged her out of the way of the oncoming dancers, not missing a beat. “I do. If Gertrude thinks she can handle my queendom on her own, let her go ahead and try. She’s probably in the kitchen right now, crying over an ice cream tummyache...”.

Fionna opened her mouth to respond, but hesitated. How do you respond to that? More importantly, what’s her deal? Why is she here? Something isn’t right. Ice Queens don’t just take vacations and happen to show up at a party in your honor by coincidence. No way. She frowned, swishing the thought around in her mind.

Ice Queen lifted the girl’s chin up with one finger. “What’s with that look, now? Why are you so angry? This is a party!”

Fionna pulled away. “...you’re up to something. I know you are!”

The queen giggled. “Yeah, up to my eyebrows in delicious food and shirtless babes!” She gestured to a water sprite couple at the front the limbo line, raising her eyebrows suggestively.

“No!” Fionna stamped a foot. “You’re totally up to something EVIL!” Her mind raced for a moment, searching for something, anything that might explain the queen’s presence. “It was YOU who sent that barracuda-dragon, wasn’t it?!”

“What dragon? I’ve been on the other island!”

“Yeah, so you’d be safe from all the fire, right, miss melty?”

“You know, I did notice the ground looked a little razed by fire when I arrived. I wondered what was up with that.”

“Just admit it!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ice Queen said, chill air flowing from her mouth and washing over Fionna’s inches-away face. “But you’re starting to crackle my candies. Lay off, lighten up, and live it down!”

With that, she sashayed her way back on to the dance floor, from which the limbo bar had now been cleared, and began once again shaking her hips quite vigorously, dancing with a water nymph girl. Fionna grumbled and watched her from the sidelines.

She’s not telling me something, I know it. She’s got some ulterior motives. Her skirt is falling down. She’s just messing with me, because she knows I hate that. She’s doing it just to annoy me! Dude, I can see your butt crease, pull that skirt back up. Maybe she really is just on vacation. She’s weird enough to do something like that. Oh glob, is she not wearing anything under that skirt?

Fionna snapped back to attention when the queen invited a shy-looking root spirit boy to dance with her. She took him by the wrist and dragged him into the dance ring, even though he seemed extremely hesitant. Ice Queen encouraged him though, and lead him in her hip-swiveling dance. Fionna’s hand subconsciously tightened.

She watched as the queen led him around in circles, feet moving deftly, grass skirt rising and whirling and falling and being hiked up again. He kept holding his hands up and awkwardly shifting from side to side, claiming he didn’t know how to dance. Ice Queen persisted though, trailing her finger down his arm, wrapping her arms around him from behind, trying to start him up with a bump. This is getting disgusting, she thought angrily.

...wait, why am I so angry about this?, asked a tiny voice in the back of her mind. Because Ice Queen is a predator, and she’s totally about to make a move on this poor dude.

Precisely on cue, the root boy sidestepped the queen and tried to mingle back in with the crowd. He was caught by the wrist though, and his captor quickly conjured up a small pair of ice shackles, bound him, and pulled him back into the ring, all without skipping a beat in the song. That did it.

As she danced, bringing her body too close for the root boy’s comfort, Fionna flew in and rammed her shoulder into the queen’s, knocking her aside. “Enough!”

Ice Queen stumbled, but caught her balance and stood up straight. “Fionna! Really, now! What’s the matter with you?”

The girl pointed, her finger making contact with the tip of Ice Queen’s bandaged nose. “You’re totally messing this guy up, ya butt!”

The queen shrugged, remarking “I’m showing him a good time. He just doesn’t know how to respond yet, because he’s just a cutie coy boy.” She winked at the boy, who turned away, fidgeting with the shackles, trying to escape.

“Cram that!” she shouted over the music, drawing her sword.

Ice Queen raised her hands. “Whoa, there. Chill out, girl. No one’s getting hurt here. Just harmless fun.”

Fionna took a fighting stance. “If you don’t back off, someone IS getting hurt. Someone named Ice Queen!”

“Fionna, you need to stop!” The queen said, shifting into her decreeing voice.

“Then stop me!” Fionna said, taking a swing.

The queen ducked and hopped to the side, the crowd of people parting to make room for her. She hadn’t noticed them forming a circle around her and Fionna until just now. The root boy was nowhere to be seen, probably disappeared into the sea of people.

Well then, she thought, a smile slithering across her face. Perhaps a show is in order...

The blade swung around again, but this time was met with a clang of resistance from the ice sword the queen had just produced from thin air. The crowd gasped and took another step back as the queen twisted away, raised the sword high, and motioned for Fionna to come at her.

Knowing a cue when they saw one, the band changed to a minor key and struck up a war dance song. Ice Queen tapped her foot to the rhythm of the big drum, pulling herself in sync with the music. Fionna charged forward, completely out-of-sync.

CLANG!

Tiny shards of ice scattered in every direction every time the swords met. Feet shuffled, shoulders swayed, spines curved. With every clash, Ice Queen quickly resurfaced her blade, keeping it pristine as Fionna’s crystal sword, all while never losing the rhythm of the music.

Fionna became more infuriated with every strike. Ice Queen was barely fighting back at all, just dodging and blocking. She could hear the tiny voice in the back of her mind asking why she was so angry. She shook her head and made another wild lunge forward.

Breathing hard but still dancing nonetheless, the queen grinned and ventured, “Why so violent tonight, Fionna?”

Another swing and miss. “You were totally about to jack that poor dude up! I’m using violence for justice, cause heroes have to do that!”

Ice Queen’s heart pumped faster. “You’re a hero, eh? A hero to whom? A stranger you don’t even know?”

“Any stranger who’s in danger! That’s a hero’s creed!”

The queen shrugged and donned a nonchalant expression, letting the music control her movements automatically as she continued the fight. “That boy wasn’t in any danger. I wasn’t going to hurt him.”

That indifference only enraged Fionna even more. On the next clash, she pushed her full weight on the handle of her sword, forcing the queen to kneel, her sword over her head. “You were totally going to hurt him! You put handcuffs on his wrists!”

“Not important,” the queen said dismissively as the music accordingly toned a bit lower. “More important is this...I’M the one in danger now.”

“What?!”

The queen lowered her voice to match the now subdued intensity of the song. “You’re swinging that sword like a mad woman. You’ve gone loco in the coco, girl. I could really get hurt here...”.

Fionna glared down at her. “You won’t get hurt. You haven’t even taken a hit yet!”

Ice Queen’s face slipped into something more concerned, almost fearful. “Don’t hurt me, Fionna...I don’t want to get hurt on my vacation. We may not be friends, but that doesn’t mean you have to hurt me, right?”

Fionna hesitated, still holding the queen down.

“Please...stop this,” the queen spoke softly now. “I’m a stranger, and I’m in danger. Save me, hero. Save me from yourself.”

Fionna’s chin trembled as she continued glaring down into the queen’s pleading eyes. The crowd dropped away from her field of vision, the music faded into a whisper. What to do, what to do?

“You’re...you’re just trying to mess with my head!”

She redoubled her strength, bearing down hard. The queen ducked and rolled out from beneath her, skirt dangling halfway down her thick thighs.

Oh glob, she WASN’T wearing anything under it.

The queen yanked the skirt back into place and huffed. The crowd was awkwardly hushed, unsure if they should be laughing or not. The music slowly started rebounding to its former volume, cuing her next move.

With a toothy grin, she held the blade out and arm’s length and spun around, nearly slicing several imminent faces in the crowd. That certainly got Fionna’s attention.

Tapped directly into her own adrenaline, Fionna jumped in with incredible swiftness, deflected the queen’s swing and threw her to the floor. She came down with a hard thrust, barely missing her target as she rolled away and backed herself against the wall.

Again Fionna bore down on her, pushing with all of her weight. “I knew you were up to something! You almost cut someone!”

Ice Queen noticed she wasn’t really listening to Fionna as she resisted the impending crystal sword. She was shouting something. The queen focused her eyes on her enemy’s. She could feel her heart pulsing harder than ever, pounding to get out of her chest.

“I must say Fionna, I’m starting to like this side of you,” she said, grinning as the sword inched closer and closer to her face. “There’s a searing rage just behind your eyes. I can see it...like a flame, burning...”.

“Shut it, witch. No more saying weird junk!”

“It’s quite beautiful actually,” Ice Queen continued, her cold breath rising up and wrapping itself around Fionna’s face like a shawl. “The fire in your heart burns brightly, all the way up through the windows to your soul, your eyes. It’s a wonder you aren’t sweating Fionna, that fire must make you so...so hot...”.

With an abrupt flick of the wrist, the queen deflected Fionna’s sword and sent it smashing into the wall, causing Fionna herself to fall forward. In that split-second, Ice Queen took Fionna by the cheeks, guiding her face right up to her own, and meeting her lips up close and personal.

The entire room went silent. Everything but the two of them turned into a vague, bluish-grey blur. Hours must have passed. For that moment, the entire world was frozen like the queen’s own pale skin.

Sputtering, Fionna squirmed and pulled herself away, spitting and coughing the wintry air out of mouth. Her lips tingled like she’d just eaten ice cream. She dropped her sword, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and then stared back at her enemy, who was leaning against the wall, arms loosely at her sides, smiling ambiguously.

After a moment, Fionna picked her sword up again. “What...what are you grinning about?”

“Your lips,” Ice Queen said as she licked her own. “They taste a bit like pineapple.”

There was a pause. “Wait...you...you actually ENJOYED that? Ugh, that is GROSS, lady! Gross, gross, gross!”

Fionna glanced around the room to see that the party-goers were all watching her and the queen expectantly. She put a hand to her lips. Still cold.

“Well?” Ice Queen ventured.

“...well what?”

“Aren’t you going to tell me what MY lips tasted like?” That grin again...

“AUEUGHAGH, what is this?!” Fionna threw her hands in the air and shifted her weight from foot to foot. “You’re disgusting, Ice Queen!”

The queen put one hand on her hip and corked an eyebrow. “You think THAT’s bad, wait and see what’ll happen if you stick around...”.

For a moment, Fionna hung limply, a bastard expression of confusion, suspicion and embarrassment plastered on her blushing face. Her eyes darted left, then right, then back to Ice Queen’s ever-present grin. A few syllables sputtered out of her mouth. That grin...

Finally, she raised her hands in surrender. “Plop this, I’m leaving. Right now.” She pointed her sword at the queen. “Ice Queen, if I hear you cause ANY trouble after I leave, I’m seriously going to cut your head off and make a mask out of it.”

She slugged off toward the table and bopped Cake on the head. “Get up Cake, we’re leaving.”

Cake woke up with a start, flailing her arms for a moment, then yawned and wrapped herself around Fionna’s shoulders like a second backpack. With one final sweep of the still-silent room, Fionna stormed off, heading back toward the docks, her mind racing and confused and angry. Always so angry...

Why, though?, wondered the little voice...

The moment she left, Ice Queen tossed back her hair, readjusted her grass skirt for the umpteenth time, and signaled the band. “From the top, boys! Woooo!”

Everyone but the queen danced a little more conservatively the remainder of the party.

And far off in the distant mountains of frozen Ice Kingdom, a lone penguin voice cried out in discomfort from overindulgence on chocolate ice cream...


	4. She Was Real Good To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After some relatively worthless advice from Prince Gumball, Fionna finally has a nice sit-down with Cake, who tells her the sad and complicated story about how she first met Ice Queen oh-so-many years ago...

The afternoon sun was pouring through the windows of the Royal Candy Palace like lemonade, little speckly motes of dust floating and flying lazily through its rays. On its own, it would have smelled like musty gingerbread, but today the air was instead thick with the scent of chocolate cake and chemicals with long and nearly-unpronounceable names. The air was also filled with the giggling, high-pitched voices of the Marshmallow Children, who were presently engaged in body-ramming each other at high velocities.

"Harder! Harder!"

Prince Gumball looked up from applying tiny drops of green liquid on to a thick slice of cake. "Fionna, I think I'd appreciate more if you didn't encourage them like that," he said, moving the plate further from the edge of the table.

"Sorry PG." Fionna grabbed the nearest Marshmallow Prince and sat him on her shoulders. "These guys are just way too much fun."

"Fun for some, perhaps." He twitched his lip and returned to his delicate work. "This is rather important work I want to get done. You know as well anyone else I'd love to be playing with the Marshmallow Royalty, but if this project doesn't see fruition-"

"Yeah, I know," Fionna interrupted, squishing the princess's cheeks with her fingers. "But come on, if I'm playing babysitter for you, at least let me have some fun with it."

The prince sighed and gave in. "You have a point there, no lie. Carry on, then. At least one of us should be having fun."

"We can both have fun, dude. Let's play ‘What's Grosser?' or something! I'll start...".

"Fionna, your intentions are good, but I really can't focus on my work if I'm being asked to compare various levels of disgust between two things. Besides, I know how well you play that game. You'll win every round."

The children were rolling on their barrel-shaped bodies across the floor now. "Well fine. Then just talk about what you're doing."

Another sigh. "Alright, then. I'm applying a liquid-phase-state of Aciculabial Solution to this cake to see if it will produce numbed nerves."

"Yeah...I don't even know what that means." Fionna ducked a rogue swing of Marshmallow Prince's sugar dagger. "But it sounds important."

"In simpler terms, it makes your lips all tingly, like when your hand falls asleep."

"Tingly lips, huh..." A phantom sensation flashed across her lips. It was cold and sharp, like a strong mint.

"And if I've played my cards correctly, it should have a strong, minty taste!"

A bump on the head from Marshmallow Princess brought her back to focus. "Huh. That's...that's cool."

The prince looked up. "Something wrong, Fionna?"

"What?" She brushed the hair from her face. "Oh, it's nothing. Don't worry about it."

Pushing the dish to one side, the prince leaned forward with his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his steepled hands. "It's never nothing, Fionna. Not with you. Talk to me."

Nonchalantly blocking another blow from the Marshmallow Princess, she turned to look up at Gumball, who was staring back patiently. "Well...don't you have to do that thing you were doing?"

"I can make a little time."

She hesitated, feeling her ears turn red beneath her hat. "Oh...well...I...". Should I tell him? I haven't even told Cake, and it's been like...two weeks now. Oh Glob, he's waiting for me to answer.

She hung her head and blew a raspberry. "Okay...". Deep breath.

"So...you know how Ice Queen's been all over my butt lately?"

Oh Glob, I had to say it like that. That's the way I had to say that just now? Oh GLOB.

"I certainly do," the prince responded. "She's become quite the menace. Though I haven't seen her the past two weeks...".

Oh, he didn't catch it. Good.

"Well...that's the last time I saw her. Two weeks ago. I saw her out on Piggamee Island."

The prince raised an eyebrow. "That's quite a way out of her jurisdiction, isn't it?" He dodged a flying sugar dagger launched from the Marshmallow Prince's hand.

"Yeah..." Fionna responded, dutifully retrieving the dagger. "She said she was, uh...on vacation...and there was a dragon, and I killed it, and they threw a party, and there was all this food, and then I saw Ice Queen, and she started dancing with a root boy, and I got mad, and we got in a fight, and she...k-kiiii...kissed...me...".

For a moment only the puffy sound of Marshmallow Prince poking her sugary skin could be heard. Then Gumball adopted a confused, slightly suspicious expression. "...she what?"

"I'm serious, dude!" Fionna said, holding her arms apart. "I had her pinned against the wall, and she was talking all weird to me, saying stuff about being hot or whatever, I thought she was just jackin' with me, then she tripped me and I feel right into her! I fell, lips on lips! She made me kiss her!"

"Now, calm down," Gumball waved his hands gently. "It sounds like maybe it was more of an accident than an intention."

"No, dude. No way it was an accident." She pulled the two children away from each other, holding them at bay while explaining. "She had this look on her face...she had this weird...this trance look, like she was in a trance or something. Like a kind of happy trance. She looked like she was enjoying it."

Gumball furrowed a brow and looked down at the table in deep thought. "Well...if I know anything about the Ice Queen...and I'll be honest, I don't know all that much about her...I do know that she usually has some kind of ulterior motive for everything she does. There had to have been a reason."

"Well..." Fionna started. Her brain was grinding, like there was a thought she couldn't process that was going to escape from her mouth regardless. "She had that...that look, you know? That like...that like-like look."

Prince Gumball remained silent a moment, then responded. "It...couldn't have been that, could it? The Ice Queen's heart is a complete popsicle. Cold, hard, and artificially-flavored. Surely it must have been some kind of mind game she wanted to play with you."

Fionna smacked her lips, eyes unfocusing for a moment to think about it. Marshmallow Prince yanked on the ears of her hat, unsuccessful in removing it. She opened and shut her mouth once or twice before coming out with: "I...I don't know, dude. I just don't know. Alls I do know is that it wasn't an accident. My lips didn't get in a wreck with hers just by chance. If it's all part of her cold-calculator crazy brain games, then she's totally winning right now, cause I'm still a little freaked out and juiced off about it!"

"Fionna, calm down." She hadn't even seen him get up, but suddenly Gumball was there beside her, hands on her shoulders. "You're shaking."

She forced herself to breathe slower. She was angry again. Angry at the Ice Queen? Maybe. Angry because it didn't make sense? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Angry because I can't understand it? Angry at myself? I don't know...I DON'T KNOW.

Once she had brought herself to an acceptable calm, Gumball released her, leaning against the table. Fionna picked up the Marshmallow Princess and looked into her glazed eyes for a moment. "She's all up in my head, PG. She's messin with me, and I don't like it." Marshmallow Princess squirmed her way to the floor.

"She makes me really mad," Fionna continued, heart slowing to a normal rate as she divulged more and more. "I really hurt her the night she broke into my bathroom. I don't know why I hit her so hard...I probably shouldn't have. But she just...she really burns my brownies, man. And I don't know why."

Gumball tilted his head skyward, looking out the window in thought. In that moment, he seemed to glow in the sunlight, like a romantic character in one of those cheesy books Fionna had read once. Emotions flashed and evolved across her face, moving from admiration to apprehension to embarrassment to indifference back to the irritation she felt about the queen. No, she didn't have time to be embarrassed about admiring Gumball when her mortal enemy might be admiring her.

"PG, I-"

A small and sudden explosion cut her off. Gumball snapped to life and ran over to the far shelf, where the unsupervised Marshmallow children were climbing and inevitably knocking various chemicals onto the floor.

With quick, sweeping motions, the prince scooped up the fragments of broken bottles as Fionna ushered the children back across the room and passed back a mop. Moments later, you wouldn't even have known anything was broken or stained.

"Efficiency." The prince enunciated in a precise, crystalline voice, then nodded with the satisfaction of a job well done. He turned to his efficient accomplice.

"Regarding Ice Queen, Fionna, I think perhaps you should do your best to push her out of your mind. Find something else to take her place in your brain. Perhaps drown yourself in a good book, or take up music. Just do what you can to keep her out of your mind."

Fionna frowned. "Just ignore her? That's all ya got, PG?"

The prince bowed his head slightly. "I'm afraid so. I can't predict or even guess at what her game is, but if you're not playing it, she can't win."

"Ignore her, huh...". The advice sounded hollow and useless to her. The queen hadn't been seen for two weeks now, but she'd been buzzing around in Fionna's mind the entire time. And she was just supposed to push those thoughts aside and forget about them? That's the answer?

"That idea is butts, PG," she said flatly. "It's dumber than a fart sandwich. I can't just stop thinking about her. That's probably just what she wants me to do. Let my guard down so she can stab me in the heart with an icicle. But on the other hand...you're smarter than I am, so maybe you know what you're talkin about here...".

Gumball shrugged. "It's honestly the best advice I can think to give. The choice to take it or not is yours."

Fionna stared at the gingerbread floor for a few moments. "Yeah..." was all she could respond with. Then she straightened up. "I think I should go back home. I need to think...and not about Ice Queen. Sorry I have to bail on you."

The prince sighed, but assented. "It's understandable. Mildly regrettable, but understandable. Come along, kids. Let's play a game of Hide The Knife."

Fionna smiled. "Thanks for understanding, dude."

With that, she shuffled out the door and walked the long way back to the treehouse in silence and solitude.

Before long she began humming and singing:

Ice Queen...a monster without a heart  
Ice Queen...she's as friendly as a fart  
She sneaks and scowls  
And peeks and prowls  
Maybe I should have killed her from the start

She paused. Kill her? No. No, that wasn't okay. Heroes don't kill their enemies.

Why not? She asked herself. You kill dragons and demons. Why not Ice Queens too?

No, that's different, she replied. Ice Queen's alive. I mean...she's more intelligent than...she has a soul. She's a person. Yeah, that's it.

Beasts have souls too. Dragons have souls. Cake has a soul. Why don't you kill Cake?

Well duh, she's good. That dragon was evil.

Ice Queen's evil. Why not kill her?

I...no, I can't kill her! It's wrong!

Why is wrong, though?

"SHUT UP!"

She stopped, looking around at the frozen faces on the lesser creatures all around her, staring back in confusion and fear.

"I mean...not you guys. The other people. Voices. Whatever. Not you guys."

Flustered, she put her head down and skipped away quickly back to the treehouse. She aimlessly cast her backpack to the floor, threw herself face-first onto the couch and screamed into a pillow.

"You home already, lugnut?" Cake poked her head out from a hole in the ceiling.

Fionna sat up and swished the hair from her face. "Yeah, I'm back. I'm just gonna chill for a while okay? Maybe play some Beemo."

"Someone says Beemo, and here is Beemo!" The animate game console hummed to life and sat down on the small table in front of her. "Plug please!"

"Ooh, sign me up for some of that!" Cake stretched her way beside Fionna on the couch and picked up a rogue controller.

"Actually, I think I'd rather go solo for a bit." She started the game in one-player mode. "Nothing personal, I just...need to kill my brain for a bit. By myself."

Cake frowned, then crossed her arms, then relaxed. Her eyelids lowered as Beemo's low-glow screen warmed them into submission.

"So...it's been pretty quiet lately, huh Fi?"

"Yup."

Cake twitched her lip. "No sand demons attacking those pixies."

"Nope."

"No hopping spiders in the brownie bake-offs."

"None."

"No bazooka squids."

"Mm-mm."

"...no Ice Queen."

No response.

"Whoa, you didn't even react!" Cake grinned. "I thought you'd flip out again for sure if I mentioned HER."

Fionna ground her teeth and swallowed. "Eh...I think I'm over it now," she lied.

"Really? Well, that's good baby. Don't let that Ice Queen get all up in your clothes."

"What?" Fionna dropped the controller, hesitated, then quickly snatched it back up in time to avoid losing a life.

"Hm? Oh, it's just an expression, girl." She scooted closer. "It means don't worry about her so much. If you let her get to you, it's like she's crawling around in your clothes. She's touchin your stuff, getting her germs all over your skin. And the only thing you can do about it is take off all your clothes and run away naked til you find some new ones!"

Fionna mashed the buttons on the controller more intensely. "...that's...um, okay, sure."

Cake put her hands on her hips. "Fio, I'm surprised at you. That was a NAKED joke. You love naked jokes!"

"What?" Fionna turned to look over at her as she fell down a lava pit. "Oh...yeah. Yeah, I do. Sorry. I'm just...I'm kind of out of it today, I guess."

There was a paw on her arm now. "All right then girl, spill it."

"Spill what?"

There was a grinning cat face in front of hers now. "You went to see Gumball today. Now you're ‘out of it'. I want you to tell me EVERYTHING."

"What?" Fionna leaned to one side, trying to continue her game. "Cake, you know I don't have a crush on the prince."

"Mhmmm," said Cake, stretching again to block her view. "You just keep telling yourself that."

"Cake, ugh. Geez." Fionna swung hard to the other side, determined to push Cake away a little longer. "Stop it with the crush talk!"

Blocked again. "What the matter, can't talk about it with your best friend?" Cake's voice was noticeably more aggressive now.

"Cake!" Fionna squirmed beneath the growing mass of cat. "I DO NOT have a crush on Gumball!"

"Then you should have no problem tellin me what you two talked about, right?"

"UGGGGGHHHH, fine." Fionna paused the game and fought her way out from under Cake's gut. "We were talking about-"

"Ooh, wait, lemme get some tea going. This is gonna be good."

"Cake!"

The cat returned to normal size and sat beside Fionna once again. "Alright fine. Just tell me about it, then."

Fionna closed her eyes, took a deep breath and prepared to spin a complex web of lies. "We were talking about the Ice Queen."

...dang it.

"Ice Queen?" That frown returned. "Baby, didn't I just tell you not to let her get in your clothes? Did you let Ice Queen get in your pants?"

"Whaat? No! Uhh, I mean...wait...no! What?"

Cake made a face. "Oh, not like THAT. That's gross."

Calming back down, Fionna brushed the hair from her face. "Yeah. Yeah."

"Sorry, go on."

"Right." Another deep breath. "Okay, so we were trying to figure out why she keeps attacking, and why it's always ME she's after these days."

"But she hasn't attacked you in like...what, two weeks now?"

"Yeah," Fionna held up a finger. "But why did she stop all of a sudden like that?"

Cake shrugged. "Beats me. Or no, wait, probably beats her! You beat her so hard with that faucet, she's probably still bleeding and stuff!"

"No, that can't be it, Cake. She looked fine when she was on vacation on the island."

Cake leaned back and crossed her arms. "Yeah, that's what you told me. You were real mad that night, girl. Crazy mad."

"Yeah, and it was totally her fault!" Fionna threw her hands into the air and began puncturing each sentence with hand motions. "She got all hands-on with people, and she started fighting me, and she ki--almost killed me!"

It was Cake's turn to throw her hands up. "Well why didn't you wake me up for it, then?"

"Well...I, I was..." she sputtered. "She was doing stuff, and I was right there, you were way over there, so I...I started fighting her. That's all!"

"You didn't even let your best friend help you!"

"I would have," Fionna offered, somewhat desperately. "But you were asleep, and there wasn't any time, and-"

"No, you just WANTED to fight Ice Queen!"

There was an uneasy stare between the two for a moment. "...I HAD to fight her," Fionna replied testily. "Not just because I wanted to."

"No Fio," Cake insisted. "You DID want to fight her! You WANTED to beat her up!"

"So what if I did anyway!" She didn't mean for it to come out that loudly. "She's...she's evil! Ugh...".

Cake lowered her eyelids and looked to the floor. "I knew it. You're gettin' too violent, girl."

Fionna shook her head. "But wait, how do you even know what happened that night? You were crashed out!"

The cat sighed deeply. "Listen, dimples. I know what's going on here."

"Y-you do?" Fionna's stomach knotted up and her fingers went stiff.

Cake nodded and closed her eyes. "Mhmm...same thing happened to me once."

"What? Really? Ew."

"Fi, I think it's time I told you a story about me, mmkay? A long one."

Beemo's face darkened and became a screen saver. "...should I go get that tea now?" Fionna asked, suddenly much calmer.

Cake turned to look out the window. Sunset was already bathing the lawn in apocalyptic orange hues, the day was dying out quickly, like an old bonfire. "Yeah, this would work better with some tea."

A few moments later, Cake took a sip of chamomile and reclined on the couch, gathering her thoughts. The light was already fading from the window when she began narrating:

"So...long, long ago, I was just a little kitten. A little pudgy ball of fur and fluff, living with mom and dad in a dinky cat village by a river. It was a pretty cheap and crummy village, I'll tell ya. But it was the good life. Splashin' in the river, nappin' in the sun, chasin' and clockin' boy kitties on their rocky little heads...it was great!

Well...maybe it wasn't all great. We lived near the Fire Kingdom, so it was nasty hot in the summer, and sometimes those flame dogs would sneak in and try and hunt us down like we were dinner. We'd always run up the river to this big lake, where they couldn't follow us. That lake was base. It was our safe home.

Anyway, there was this one night in the summer when a whole pack of ‘em charged right through the town, gettin' their fire all over the place. Burned down the whole town. All of it, gone. Fire and smoke everywhere. We tried to run to the lake, but they were already ahead of us this time. They cut us off and scattered us. We were runnin' all over the place, separated and vulnerable. I stayed with mom and dad as close as I could. We picked a direction and just started runnin' as fast as our legs could carry us...when I looked back, all I saw was a smokin' crater and a pack of fire dogs chasin' up behind us."

Fionna was sitting curled up by the foot of the couch now, hugging her knees and sipping tea, eagerly awaiting each word.

"We kept on flyin', girl. We ran long and far, right out of the valley in up into the Ice Kingdom. Now, we'd never been up in those parts before. We'd never even seen snow. It never snowed in the Fire Kingdom...heck, we barely knew what being cold was like! So imagine this family of cats, trudgin' through the deep snow, bones rattling from the cold night air. We ran straight up through it, not even thinking. The only thing we could think about was losin' those fire dogs. And we did, after a good long chase. They finally got too cold and took off. But where did that leave us? We were lost, we were scared, and we were freezin' our toes off. And of course, that was just the start...cause that's when the blizzard showed up."

A shiver tiptoed down Fionna's spine. "...Ice Queen...," she whispered.

"No girl," Cake said, taking another warming sip of chamomile. "Not yet. Just a blizzard."

She smacked her lips in response and waited for Cake to continue.

"So anyway, the next thing I know, there's this loud rumblin' sound. There's an avalanche comin' down the mountain right on top of us. It hit like a war club. Knocked the wind right out of me and sat on me like a fat witch. That was the coldest, darkest, scariest thing I've ever seen, Fi. It was crushin' me. It squeezed up all my guts, and it burned my throat and my eyes and my ears. The cold kind of burn. You probably know what I'm talkin' about...".

Again the tingle flashed across Fionna's lips. She imagined that times a thousand, then quickly took another sip of tea to drive away the cold.

"I swam up and out through the sea of snow on top of me. When I finally reached the surface, I was just sittin' there, squirmin' around like a fish, tryin' to catch my breath. But it was so cold in that howlin' wind, and now I was all wet with snow, and my paws were frozen, and it was so dark. I couldn't see mom or dad anywhere. I couldn't see straight, everything was movin' shadows and giant snowflakes. I couldn't even get up to look, anyway. I was tiny and frozen and scared...thought I was gonna die. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, I wasn't in a blizzard anymore. I was in a cave. I was all wrapped up in blankets on the floor of a cave...an ice cave."

Fionna was on her stomach now, sitting up on her elbows. "Now Ice Queen?"

A nod in reply. "I didn't know it at the time, but yeah. It was Ice Queen who saved me from that blizzard. She brought me into her cave, wrapped me up in blankets and-"

"Tried to eat you?"

"NO, Fi...she actually took care of me."

The silence was thick like an autumn fog for a few moments. Sound simply ceased to be, as though the gods of time were watching life on their huge television screen and paused it to grab another bag of chips before continuing.

"...what?" Fionna finally found her voice.

"Yeah, girl. She took care of me. She brought me food, she made a fire for me, she nursed me right back to health!"

This was met with a squint and a suspicious tone. "You're...are you messing with me, Cake?"

"I swear, Fi! Hey, she even gave me that name!"

"Whaaa...your parents didn't name you?"

"Oh, they named me," Cake grumbled. "I always hated that name, though."

"What was it?"

"Nope, not important," Cake glossed. "Ice Queen named me Cake. That's my name."

Fionna collapsed on her side and stared, unable to decide whether or not to accept this.

"Ice Queen did a lot of things for me. She kept me safe. We used to talk long into the night, I remember. She was lookin' out for me. She was...well, she was like my new mom."

"Okay, that's gotta be a lie. You're just trying to mess me up now."

"Not lyin' girl," Cake said patiently. "She was my new mom. And let me tell you, she was good to me. She was real good to me. But...".

Fionna snapped back up. "I knew there was a ‘but'! There's always a ‘but' with Ice Queen!"

"Yeah, and it's a big ‘but', too...".

There was an involuntary giggle in response.

"But...Ice Queen may have taken too much care of me. She was really protective. Like a mother to a kitten, you know. She didn't like me wanderin' off by myself. She fought off anything that got too close to me, like polar bears and snow golems. She was an overprotector.

Anyway, one day, we were out in her front yard, and she was...doin' something really silly, teachin' her penguins to sing or something, I dunno. And there I was, pokin' around these ice rocks, lookin' for flowers under the snow, and I heard something crunching its way up the side of the mountain. I turned around real fast and I saw these two scraggly monsters!"

"What kind of monsters?" Fionna asked, eyes wide with interest.

Cake scrunched her face as she tried to reimagine them. "They were like...well, zombies. But with four legs, walkin' on their hind ones. They looked wild and deranged, twisty and wrinkled. Like they'd been through a lawnmower. One of them had a hat on. They almost looked like cats, but they were so dingy-lookin' it was hard to tell...

So I tried to talk to them. I asked them if they were cats. They just meowed back at me. So I figured, okay fine, not from my village, whatever, right? They came closer and closer, and one of ‘em tried to grab me. Now I was still just a kitten, but Ice Queen taught me how to be aggressive. So I decided I was gonna fight back. They kept tryin' to grab my wrist, meowin' and tuggin' on me...so I started meowin' and tuggin' back. And suddenly I heard a gasp, and Ice Queen came FLYING over, her face just in a rage. Before I even know it, she stabbed both of ‘em right through the chest with her huge icicles. She killed ‘em. Right in front of me. She killed ‘em to save me.

"I went up to look more closely at them, and I thought I recognized something. I picked up the hat that one was wearing. Something was familiar about it. I turned it over, and I looked in the brim, and there it was. I had a horrible suspicion there would be a photo in there. It was smudgy and brown, but I knew exactly what it was. It was a photo of me and my parents. The hat was my mom's. These two zombie cats...they...". She began to sob a bit.

"Oh, dude..." Fionna hopped up beside her friend and put an arm around her. "Ice Queen killed your parents? No wonder you hate her...".

Cake was quick to recompose herself. "Well...yes, but...well, there's more to it than that."

Fionna recoiled a bit and watched expectantly.

"See, when I realized they were my parents, I got really freaked out. I shouted at Ice Queen, we had a really nasty fight. She didn't hit me, but I sure hit her. I conked on the head, told her I hated her for what she did, and ran away. I ran straight down the mountain without a clue where I was going. I could hear her chasin' after me too, callin' my name. She didn't sound angry though...she sounded kind of...well, anyway, she didn't chase me for long once I made it out of the Ice Kingdom. I gave her the slip and started hidin' out on these plains here, then I made the treehouse and found you, started takin' care of you, and you know all the rest of that.

My point though...Ice Queen gets very attached to people if you let her. You need to be careful that she doesn't get all in your clothes. She won't get out until you take off all your clothes and run away naked...and if you do that, it's gonna hurt."

"What do you mean ‘it's gonna hurt'?" Fionna pulled her legs up onto the couch, sitting on her knees now.

"I told you, Fi...Ice Queen was like my mom for a long time. I can't forgive her for what she did, but...she still kinda feels like my mom. And it still hurts me a little every time I conk her...".

She leaned into Fionna's belly, wrapping her up in a hug. "Cake...".

After a moment's cuddle, she unwound and sat up. "Alright. Alright, that's enough cryin' already. No more mushy wimpy stuff. Let's get some sleep, girl."

"But..." Fionna held on to her wrist insistently.

"Nope, no more. We're done talkin' about her. We're done bein' sad and all that. We're done for tonight."

Cake pulled out of Fionna's loosened grip and gathered up the teacups, headed for the kitchen. "I totally can't believe you used to be her pet, Cake...".

"Fio. No mo'."

Fionna stood up and stretched her spine. "But I wanna ask you more stuff!" she protested. "I wanna know more about what happened. That doesn't even sound like the Ice Queen I know...".

There was a snort from the kitchen. "Fio, you don't know the Ice Queen at all." She stretched her head out to the kitchen doorway. "...or do you?"

"Uh..." Fionna scratched the back of her head. "I know...she's, uh...my enemy. I know my enemy."

After a moment, the cat's head slowly retracted back to the kitchen. "And that's ALL I want you to know her as...don't get hung up on her, baby. She'll mess you up."

There was an uncomfortable silence as Fionna undressed and redressed herself for bed. Cake came up moments later, candle in hand, headed for her dresser drawer. "Cake-"

"No, baby," Cake said, holding up a hand and pulling open the drawer. "Let's just get some sleep. Maybe some dreams will take the glum and the gloom away."

She opened her mouth to respond, then shut it and flopped down on the bed. She turned to her window to stare into the moonlit halos of the distant hills. Her thoughts drifted for a while, aimlessly at first, then inevitably circled back to the Ice Queen.

Where is she, anyway? She's long overdue for another attack. She must be away, plotting or something. That plotty plotter.

Maybe she isn't even plotting anything at all. Maybe she's just being a mom to her penguins something. No. No way. Ice Queen can't be nice, not like Cake said. Well, maybe she was, back then. That was a long time ago. But Ice Queen isn't nice anymore. She's evil. She's a butt. A blizzard butt. She farts blizzards.

Yeah.

Yeah...


	5. Playing Me Like A Flute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ice Queen hasn't been seen in weeks...and the sudden unexplained absence has Fionna on edge. Where is she? What's she plotting? And how far will Fionna push herself to see this travesty through to its end?

Such a quiet night. Not even the faintest hush of a cloud being pushed across the horizon. The moon hovered in the center of the sky, watching the scurrying creatures of the night, unblinking.

The silence wasn’t even perturbed by the usual drone of Fionna’s snoring, completely absent tonight. The girl was sleeping one of the soundest sleeps she’d had in weeks, truth be told. She was curled up like a baby within her sleeping bag, a puddle of saliva building up beside her slack lips.

The setting couldn’t have been more still. Time didn’t even seem to flow. Without any noticeable occurrences to measure it by, time may as well not have even existed at all. Nothing but soundless stillness, the lack of anything to disturb a picture perfect moment.

Pristine silence.

CRACK! SNAP! CRASH!

The air was full of splinters and a chilling burst of nighttime air flooded the bedroom. Fionna and Cake both bolted upright with a shout to see that familiar frosting-on-a-cupcake silhouette of the Ice Queen standing in front of the moon in the enormous hole now occupying the center of the treehouse wall.

“Ice Queen! Finally!” Fionna wormed her way out of the sleeping bag and dove for her sword on the floor as the queen flew into the center of the room, snow billowing and pillowing around her.

“Can’t see anything, Fi! I’m snowblind!” Cake began lashing out wildly with her claw hands, squinting against the onslaught of flakes. She was sure she could see the queen’s hair flapping around. Maybe that was the blanket being torn off the bed. She pushed toward it, slicing and slashing recklessly.

Wind howled in her ears as she very suddenly found her nose inches from the Queen’s extended hand. She opened her mouth to yell and started choking as the ice magic poured straight down her throat, filling her innards with heavy, wet snow. She collapsed to the floor, hacking and clawing the carpet frantically.

Fionna wasn’t faring any better. The swirling snowflakes whipped into her face, stinging her eyes and cold-burning her flesh. It hurt to breathe. She thought she heard scuffling sounds coming from Cake’s side of the room, but everything was drowning in the omnipresent wind.

After a few wild arcs, the sword finally struck something and wouldn’t budge. The snow began to die away bit by bit, only to reveal the Ice Queen with the blade stopped between her palms. With an overpowering twist, she wrenched it from Fionna’s grip and encased it in a layer of thick ice before smashing it into the wall. The girl froze in a moment of disbelief as tiny ice particles rained on the two of them, and scowled as the queen casually brushed them off her shoulders. She balled her hand into a fist and swung hard, aiming to knock the queen's teeth out.

Unblinking, Ice Queen caught the hand and slowly lowered it, squeezing tight, her claw-like fingers digging into the skin. Her teeth clenched together and frosty clouds puffed out from her nostrils. Her free hand shot forward and grabbed Fionna by the neck. She slammed her against the wall behind, then brought her face in too close for comfort.

Fionna struggled fruitlessly as the Queen lowered her eyes into narrow slits and bared her sharp teeth, growling softly. Fionna returned the growl and arched her back, trying to push her way forward. Her breasts made contact with her foe’s. Ice Queen stopped growling, then lunged forward for a kiss.

Fionna’s whole body went taut. Freezing cold air pumped its way into her mouth. The hand released her fist and instead trailed its way up her spine, under her nightshirt. She couldn’t move. Her brain screamed, insisting she FIGHT, drop away and kick the queen in the crotch. But her legs wouldn’t respond. The cold air was slowly sliding its way down her throat and into her guts as she felt an equally cold tongue slither its way over her own.

Cake...what had happened to Cake? She couldn’t see past the queen’s deeply pleased visage. The rest of the treehouse simply dropped away as the freezing feeling invaded her body further, settling in her stomach. Ice Queen pressed herself closer still, hands roaming up and down Fionna’s unresponsive body. The sheer cold was nearly unbearable. She couldn’t breathe. Her face was turning blue, though whether from drop in temperature or lack of breath she couldn’t tell. Her vision blurred, and the feeling of the queen’s fingers on her thigh were the last thing she felt before the numbness took over.

She passed out.

Or rather, she woke up.

Her breath was heavy and inconsistent. She put a hand to her chest and felt her heart drumming. Slow down now...

She wiped the cold sweat from her forehead and surveyed the room around her. No broken walls. No snow on the floor. Cake was tightly coiled up in her drawer, purring warmly. She herself was buried under a mountain of blankets. Why was she so cold, then?

The window hung open lazily, a tickle of a breeze wafting into the room. That must have been it. Not Ice Queen...

Dragging her feet, Fionna trudged over to the window and pushed it closed with one finger. The star-studded sky was noticeably shimmering from the bright light of the naked moon. The moment she laid back down on the bed, she realized why she’d woken up. Moonbeams were piercing right through the window into her eyes. She flipped herself over and tried to settle back into sleep.

Her mind began replaying the dream scene.

NO.

She sat up and rested her head in her hands. This is becoming a very serious problem. I can’t even sleep now without her crawling all over my brains. Ugh.

I need to do something about this. I need to fight this problem. I need to beat it into submission. But how can you fight something in your brain?

I could just beat my brain with my fist until it stops thinking of Ice Queen...

That would kinda suck, though.

She sighed loudly. Why is this MY problem? This whole thing is Ice Queen’s fault. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be up all night! If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be so angry and confused. If it wasn’t for her, life would still be like it used to be!

If it wasn’t for her...I still wouldn’t have my first kiss.

Running her finger over her lips, she revisited the scene at the Piggamee party. The first time she’d ever felt sensual contact was with her own mortal enemy. How lucky...

She hadn’t even given a passing thought to romance before the Ice Queen debacle. It had had no impact whatsoever on her thoughts. But thanks to the queen’s sudden and unexpected behavior, she now found herself pondering what could have been.

If it wasn’t for Ice Queen, my first kiss could have been with someone I actually like! Not some jacked-up crazy freezer witch from the middle of nowhere.

Who would it have been, then?

Well, probably not Prince Gumball. He’s my bud. We’re like bros. Sure, he asked me out once, but I think he was just being a prince back then. He doesn’t really LIKE-like me...does he? Well it doesn’t matter, because I don’t like-like him. He’s just my bud.

What about Marshal? Marshal’s a nice guy. And I’ve seen him dress up before...he looked freakin SHARP at Gumball’s last party...of course, that was just so he could rip the arms off his suit during the concert. What a crazy guy.

But would I kiss him? I dunno. Maybe. Marshal’s kinda my bud, too. I mean...he’s good-looking and all, but I don’t think I wanna kiss him. Maybe. I DON’T KNOW!

Who else is there to want to kiss? Princes? The Goblin Queen? Ugh. No.

AND WHY IS THIS EVEN IMPORTANT?

She paused, overwhelmed for a moment by the explosive silence left in lieu of her brain train of thought derailing.

I’m an adventurer. I fight monsters and unlock crystal shrines and pummel mud demons. I shouldn’t have to worry about whose lips touch mine. That’s mushy gushy stuff. Let Cake and Monochromicorn handle that. Give me the rough and tumble stuff instead!

She threw herself back on the bed with an exasperated groan. Sleep obviously wasn’t coming tonight. She reached for her bunny hat and slipped it over her head. Things were always a bit clearer when she had a proper thinking cap on.

But still only the Ice Queen came to mind.

Look at her, always so smug. She’s playing me like Cake’s dulcimer. I just want to punch that stupid face until she falls apart and tells me what’s going on.

She sat up. Maybe that’s it, then. Maybe I need to talk to her. Sniff her out, pin her down, poke some holes in her gut until she spills the beans. Yeah, I’ll spill her beans for her if she doesn’t. She didn’t notice the impish grin spread across her face as she thought this.

Right, I need to confront her, then. If she’s not coming to me, then I’m coming to her. I won’t be able to sleep until I do. And I LIKE sleep!

She glanced over at Cake, quietly purring in her sleep. Gotta do this quietly. Cake can’t know about this...

As she silently changed from her red footie pajamas into a more adventure-friendly outfit, her mind skipped ahead a few chapters, playing her own version of the dream which replaced the kiss with something more painful and sharp.

"Sleep well, Cake..." she whispered softly, climbing up and out the window into the cool night air.

The night was still oddly silent. The usual crickets and fireflies and scavengers were keeping to themselves. Free of such distracions, Fionna's mind began wandering as she hustled off toward the familiar ice mountains on the horizon.

She's probably gonna try to mess with your head. Start babbling some really messed-up psycho junk. Don't listen to a thing she says. Make her say what you need to hear...unless that's also a bunch of psychoblabble. Plop, I can't trust ANYTHING she says...

She stopped, looking down at a lone bug, limping away on crutches at her feet. If everything she says is garbage, then why am I even going? What's the point if she's just gonna confuse me or mess me up?

...but I can't NOT talk to her. I'm already going insane. I have no choice. Just gonna have to knuckle down and smack some sense out of her!

Her resolve strengthened, she plunged forward again, coming to the border of the Ice Kingdom without further incident. The air was noticeably sharper here. Crisper. A familiar chill crept up the back of her legs. Good thing I thought to bring snow pants...

A light snow began falling. The mountains loomed overhead, blocking the moon from view. But the snowscape was still illuminated by moonbeams that bounced and reflected off the sheer icy surfaces of each impressive peak. In some places, they danced around, creating auroras and halos of dancing colors. A marvelous, nighttime-only sight that Fionna had never seen before. A cold shiver snapped her back to reality.

She tried to distract herself from the cold by thinking about other things. I thought it was spring already...still so cold out though. Must just be a long winter. A really long winter. Bet old Ice Queen Sundae's behind it...always doing stuff to make me madder. What a jerk.

The path up the moutainside became less and less apparent as the snow fell heavier. Fionna pulled a pair of frog mittens from her backpack and put them on, ready to begin the difficult part of the journey. Ice Queen's main cave was high above her. They'd already proven that even at her limit Cake couldn't stretch her way up there in one motion. The only way up now was a long, steep climb in the snow.

Grosh, it's cold up here...these mittens aren’t helping much. Come on Fionna, try to ignore it. Think of something else. Think about why you’re here. Think about what Ice Queen’s gonna say when you show up on her doorstep, demanding answers.

I wonder what she’ll even be up to, she mused as the mountain became more of a sheer cliff. What does she even do? Knit for her penguins? Make plans to invade the Candy Kingdom? Bake stuff? She clicked her heels together, ejecting small spikes from the soles and tips of her boots, then pulled a set of ice picks from her backpack, using them to climb upward.

It’s hilarious. Here I am, adventurer extraordinaire, climbing the tallest ice mountain, alone, in the freezing cold...and the treasure at the top is probably going to end with another kiss from a creeper ice witch. How did this become my life?

The wind gusted around her, pelting her face with snow and fragments of ice. Her mitted fingers gripped tightly around the picks, quickly growing numb. She shivered and started climbing more hastily, ignoring the voice in the back of her head shouting at her to be more careful.

Nearly a half-hour later, she was finally hoisting herself onto the ledge at the mouth of Ice Queen’s cave. She rolled on to her back, breath strained and teeth chattering. The wind was almost howling up here, and with it came a tempest of frenzied snow.

Can’t stay here, she thought. Too cold...gonna die.

Weakly, she forced her body to crawl into the gaping mouth of the cave. Snow worked its way beneath her clothes, under her mittens and up beneath her coat, melting against her skin and threatening to refreeze on top of it. She couldn’t release the picks from her brittle fingers.

With a final grunt, she threw herself into the shelter of the queen’s drawing room. The smooth, polished walls rose for a good twenty or thirty feet, meeting at the top in a dome shape. The surface of the ice seemed to glow a faint blue color, almost as if alive. Aside from several ice carvings of penguins and polar bears along the walls, the room was vacant.

Fionna lay there collapsed on the floor for a few minutes, trying to normalize her breathing as feeling slowly drifted back into her face. The air was still cold here, but nothing like the blizzard outside. When she could at last move her fingers again, she released the ice picks and fumbled with getting her frosted mittens off. They had torn in several places, and some spots were smudged a deep maroon color. She checked her palms to find they had been cut and bruised in several spots.

With a loud sigh, she checked the rest of her body, noting all manner of bruises and scrapes, each one still numb to the touch. She decided to keep her mittens and hat off, hanging them on a polar bear statue to dry out.

Now, time for business.

Struggling to her feet, she managed to stand by using the statue for balance. “Ice Queen! Get out here!”

Her voice echoed and bounced off the walls, slightly drowned out by the snowstorm behind her. She waited a moment before following up with “Hey! Freezer-face!”

No response.

She gritted her teeth and took a wobbly step forward. The icy floor wasn’t slick, like she’d expected. It felt like walking on dry glass, and made appropriate clinking sounds with each step.

Staggering into the hallway opposite the cave entrance, she called out a bit more softly, “...Ice Queen?”

The awkward drip-drip-drip of snow melting and falling from her hair was the only sound to be heard. She swallowed and peered around the corner, expecting an ambush. She was met with absolute stillness.

I’ve never even been this far into Ice Queen’s house before...

She stepped into what appeared to be a living room, from which branched out another hallway and a door into the kitchen. This room was stocked with softly-glowing ice furniture: chairs, couches and tables. A desk sat in the corner, accompanied by stacks of paper and a quill pen.

Who in the world still uses a quill pen? She wondered.

Out of curiosity, she meandered over to the desk, eyes quite well adjusted to the low light of the ice now. The top piece of paper was covered in writing. Let’s see here...

She read a few lines, then stopped, raising an eyebrow. Finn and Jake? Princess Bubblegum? Marceline? What...what is this? Is she writing some weird, backwards story about...us? Ugh, what a creep!

Click.

“Ice Queen!” Fionna drew her collapsible sword from her beltloop and stood ready.

Nobody there.

“Where are you, Frostbiter?!” She beat her fist on the wall, slightly cringing in pain. Feeling’s coming back...

“Come on out here, Ice Queen! I’ve got a punchline to deliver...to your face!”

Still no answer. She huffed and made her way down the narrow hall, pausing at the first doorway on her right. A tiny scraping sound emanated from behind the closed door. “Come on out of there!” she shouted, kicking it open on its icy hinges.

The bathroom. There was a scuffling noise coming from the bathtub. Fionna stormed forward and yanked the curtain aside. “How do YOU like being peeped at?!”

A penguin stared back at her, wiggling around on its back. “...wenk.”

Fionna glared at it for a minute, her lips twitching. “If this is some kind of sick game of hide and seek, it’s NOT FUNNY!”

Her body started to ache, reminding her that it was worn out and in need of some serious sleep. She ignored it and swept her eyes across the room again, looking for that familiar silhouette.

On cue, the window blew open on its shutters, freezing wind pouring in. Fionna scrambled over to it, swinging her sword in wide arcs, yelling with each strike. Once she realized she was fighting wind and shadows, she dropped her arms to her sides, then closed and bolted the window.

The moonlight glinted off the mirror behind her. She turned to look, and her mouth fell open. She looked awful. Her hair was disheveled and tangled, and her whole upper body powdered in a fresh layer of snow. Her cheeks were red, and in some places nicked and cut. A chain of rips and tears ran down her coat. The blizzard had not been kind to her in the least.

All because I had to come out here. All because of Ice Queen.

She stared for a moment.

That’s it, isn’t it? She’s playing me like a flute.

Her hands balled into fists.

She knew this would happen. She jacked me up without even touching me!

Her breathing quickened. She felt her temperature rise.

She’s probably hiding somewhere in here, laughing it up right now!

“WHERE ARE YOU, YOU WITCH?!” she screamed, slamming her fist into the mirror.

The penguin jolted up out of the bathtub and skittered into the other corner of the room.

“Owowowow...” Fionna pulled her hand away and sat on the toilet just beside her. She looked from her bloodied knuckles up to the shattered mirror, and back. Then she trained her gaze on the penguin, who stared back uncertainly.

“Shut it, you. I know it’s bad jujubes to break a mirror. But my whole biz right now can’t get any badder than this...”.

She tore a few strips of cloth from her undershirt and wrapped her hand up tightly. Whatever. This is nothing. I’ve been hurt worse than this.

She put her hands on her knees to get up, paused, then hiked her pants down to use the toilet before getting up and moving on again.

Before she had a chance to move further down the hallway, there was a cracking sound coming from the kitchen. She pursued it.

“Alright, you BUTT, let’s have it out! RIGHT NOW!”

Another penguin turned to look at her. “Wenk?” It pulled its hand from an ice jar, gripping a cookie.

“...flop, she really doesn’t keep an eye on you guys at all, does she?”

The penguin tilted its head and started munching on the cookie.

“Where’s ya mama, ya dumb penguin?”

It looked at her and shrugged.

She leaned on the counter, body aching again. “You’re stupid, ya know that?”

“Wenk, wonk, wenk,” it replied, crumbs falling out of its mouth as it reached for another cookie.

She paused, then pushed the little thief aside and reached inside for one of her own. She tried to muse as she munched.

I don’t get it...where is she hiding? Is she even here? Maybe I came in while she was out? Where would she even go? What do Ice Queens do besides being evil butts?

Her eyes met the penguin’s. Could she be out prowling around? Prowling for princes?

Her heart started beating faster. That’s probably it! She tried to lure me away into her house so she’d have a free shot at the prince! That’s been her plan all along, hasn’t it??

She dashed toward the drawing room to grab her things, ignoring the throbbing in her legs.

Cram it all, I shouldn’t have come here tonight...I shouldn’t have come! She’s gonna get her filthy fingers on Gumball!

She hastily redressed herself with holey mittens and her damp bunny hat, only afterward thinking to check the condition of the weather outside. The blizzard was still raging as hard as ever, pummeling her face with blasts of frosty fury. Her body protested and sent her into a shivering fit as she slipped in the thick snow. It slid up the back of her coat and down her pants.

...I...I can’t. I can’t do it. This thing is too strong for me. I’ll get lost out here. Lost in a blizzard...just like Cake did...

And then what? Would Ice Queen come and find me too, try to take care of me? If she really does like-like me, that’s what she’d do...

But she doesn’t! She’s out kidnapping the prince, remember! She’s not going to come and save me! She’ll leave me out here to die!

Gathering what little reserves she could tap into, Fionna pushed herself back up and crawled back into the cave. She shook herself off like Cake might have, then took her clothes off and shook them out as well before redressing.

I’ll just have to wait out this blizzard...it can’t go on forever, right?

But...Gumball...how am I gonna save him?

She hung her hat and mittens back on the polar bear statue, listening to the drip-drip-drip sound over the roar of the wind outside.

Wait a minute...if she’s kidnapping him, she’ll probably bring him back here...

She looked down at her bandaged fist and flexed her fingers, noting that feeling was coming back again.

...and I’ll be waiting for her. Right under her fat, dumb face.

She slipped back into the living room, where a cluster of penguins had gathered together on the bigger couch in a pile.

She stopped to look at their faces. They seemed so calm, even in her presence. Do these guys just have nothing to worry about at all? Ice Queen must take good care of them for them to keep hanging around...

She looked down. Another penguin bumped her leg, squirming past her to join the pile.

Cake was right...I really don’t know Ice Queen at all...I don’t even know for sure if she’s out doing what I think she’s doing. But whatever it is, she can’t do it forever. She’s gonna have to come back home eventually.

She sat down at the foot of the couch, sword falling out of her unresisting hand. I always thought she was a psycho who liked hurting people. I never even thought she might have feelings. That she might have pets, or friends, or crushes, or whatevers.

Her eyelids drooped along with the rest of her body. Well, if she wants to kiss me so bad, she can kiss my fist for all she’s done to me. I’m gonna deck her halls...

She thought she felt something warm and squishy rub against her, but her eyes were too far closed for her to see what it was. She gave in to her body’s demands and faded into sleep as the pile of penguins became a blanket all around her.

And for the first time in weeks, she slept, long and hard.


	6. Playing With Loaded Dice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seems Fionna slept so hard she didn't even notice the sneaky sneak who snuck in last night and left a huge, full breakfast on the table for her! And who can say no to a nice steamin' hot breakfast? After properly plumpening her belly, a little snooping around reveals a disturbing secret in the Queen's closet...

A squishy lump pressed itself against her leg. She grunted and half-heartedly kicked it away. It immediately returned, accompanied by a scuffling sound and something harder and more beak-like tapping against her shin.

She groaned and waved her arms furiously in the direction of the intruder, hoping maliciously to do a little more than just brush it away. When she at last forced her eyes open, she found a pair of curious penguin eyes gleaming back.

Startled, Fionna sat up and took in her surroundings. The pile of penguins had dispersed sometime in the night, and many were busy scurrying about the cave, carrying on unsupervised as before. She reached a tired arm out, groping around on the floor for her sword.

Ow. Her muscles were stiff and sore. She rolled her shoulder around, rubbing life back into the joint as it burned. She took time to crack her back and neck as well, relieving the pent-up stress and exhaustion of the previous night.

With one final yawn, she pushed herself to her feet and scanned the room. There was a gentle wintry wind blowing through the open window, and a light dusting of snow littered the area around her. A stack of clean clothes lay neatly folded on the ice chair beside her.

Wait. Clothes? Those weren't there before! Fionna scrambled to her feet, ignoring the ache.

"Ice Queen! Where are you, ya butt?! Get out here!"

Her words echoed through the cavernous hallway, yielding no response. "I know you're here!" she added.

Still unanswered, she turned back to the clothing stack and cautiously picked up the shirt on top. It was a plain blue long-sleeve much like her own. Very much like it, even. She examined the rest of the clothes. The skirt and stockings and even the underwear were identical to her standard fare. It was almost like the queen had taken these right from Fionna's own closet.

...that was an unsettling notion.

She stared at the garments for a few moments, then shrugged. Why waste it? she thought.

Making one last visual sweep of the room, Fionna gathered up the clothes and took them to the bathroom to change, ignoring the penguin nonsense going on in the bathtub.

The clothes were an eerily perfect fit.

As she emerged, a new sense pervaded her immediate thoughts. Something smelled delicious. Fionna licked her lips as the untamed beast that was her stomach roared to life. She peered around the corner into the kitchen.

A full breakfast suite had been laid out on the counters. Towers of pancakes, a fat bowl of oatmeal, ranks of buttered bagels, still-sizzling eggs and bacon, a hot kettle full of...was that chocolate milk?

As usual, the kitchen was overrun by tiny penguin feet, several of which were absconding with small plates of food. Fionna turned her attention on them briefly.

"...did you guys make all this? Or did Ice Queen?"

She brought herself to eye level with one of the countertop penguins. "Answer me, ya poo-brain. Did your mama make this? Where is she? Where'd she go?"

Unsurprisingly, the penguin responded by putting a flipper to her cheek. "WENK."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. You guys are so dumb." She rose to full height again and slammed her palms on the countertop. "ICE QUEEN, GET YOUR FROSTED FLAKES OUT HERE! I KNOW YOU'RE STILL HERE SOMEWHERE!"

She drew her sword and took a step toward the door. But the seductive aroma of breakfast stirred up the hungry inner beast and redirected her steps back to the bountiful countertop.

As her eyes swept across the breakfast spread once more, she found her hands stacking a plate high with food with a mind of their own. Her hand was already to her mouth with a fork full of pancakes when her brain threw up a red flag, halting it.

"Is this stuff poisoned? It IS, isn't it! Thaf wav her plam, wav'n ip...?"

She stopped talking long enough to chew the rest of the pancakes in her mouth, then swallowed.

"...oh my glob, these are CRAZY AMAZING." She immediately resumed loading up her plate, lost in flavor.

There’s no way something this delicious could be poison, she thought as she stuffed her face. She hadn't bothered to think about how hungry she'd been without food all night until now. She was absolutely ravenous. But then she'd never turn away a good meal. She never was sure if she should count her bottomless appetite as a strength or a weakness.

The penguins paid no attention to her as she devoured the breakfast spread. They acted as though they were already completely accustomed to her presence in the cave. This struck Fionna as slightly odd, but it was an unimportant thought that was drowned out by the feeding frenzy.

“Bluh,” she mumbled as she leaned back against the counter and stretched, her full stomach ballooning out under her shirt. “I really am a pig, I guess...”.

She took a moment to relax, licking her lips occasionally. If Ice Queen did make that food, even Fionna had to admit that she was an exceptional cook. But why would she just leave all this hot food here? Was it specially made for Fionna? The queen had to have seen her sleeping in the middle of the living room floor last night. Would she have made dinner for me if I'd been here earlier? Fionna wondered.

After one final burp, she shuffled to her feet and decided to look around again, now that she could see everything in plain daylight. Time to really see what the old Fridge Witch was hiding...

She rummaged through the kitchen drawers, taking note of all the weapon-like cutlery: knives, prongs and tongs, a vegetable peeler, cheese grater, wooden spoons, measuring cups...hmm, not as full of deadly weaponry as she’d expected.

What about under the sink? she thought, eyeing the cabinet door. Bet there’s poisons and potions and other nasty junk down there...

She dug through the bin beneath the sink and tossed aside bottles, brushes, gloves and sponges, only finding the more mundane household poisons like ammonia and bleach. "Where's all the Evil Stuff?" she asked the room at large.

She pushed her way through the penguin traffic back to the living room, scrutinizing and investigating every nook and crevice. Pillows and blankets, pens and paper, a poster of Marshall Lee’s band, a hand-carved ice lamp in the corner. A bookshelf filled to bursting lined one wall.

Out of curiosity she ran a finger over the spines of the books, reading aloud, “Fanfic Volume 1 through 3...My Poetry Volume 1 through 4...Exotic (?) Fiction Volume 1 through 12...Fanfic I Found On The Computer Network Volume 1 through 3...”.

She chose a book at random from “Exotic Fiction” and cracked it open. “No pictures, huh?” she asked the book. She read a few lines, turned bright red, then dropped the book on the floor and turned away, flustered.

This is just plain weird, she thought. Everything in here is just so...normal. It’s like she's not even an evil witch at all. Like she has a normal life. She’s got a kitchen full of food, a writing room, a bunch of pets, a shower and a bedroom...

THE BEDROOM. She’d forgotten to check the bedroom last night!

Shoes clacking on the glass-like floors, Fionna burst through the bedroom door with her shoulder, white-knuckling her sword and baring her teeth. As the door was knocked off its hinges and crashed to the floor, she took a wild swing, aiming for the queen’s neck.

Or at least, aiming where she’d expected the queen’s neck to be, if the queen had indeed been there. The bedroom was uninhabited, but certainly not empty. Wardrobes and dressers and mirrors and chests and a bed filled most of the room, and whatever floor space that remained was dominated by loose clothes, a few trinkets and jewels, and crumpled-up pieces of paper. There was little order in here, not particularly becoming of someone who called herself a queen.

“She’s just as messy as I am...” Fionna mused out loud.

She went to sit on the bed and hesitated, brushing the white blanket with her hand. It was cold, and felt soft and fluffy like powdered sugar. It was almost like...snow. Powder snow. A blanket of snow. Har har, Ice Queen...

She dug through the drawers on the nightstand, finding only a toothbrush, a hand mirror, and more drawing utensils. Out of curiosity, she picked up a scrap of paper from the floor and straightened it out.

“I gotta crib fulla penguins and a closet fulla princes, gonna snatch em all and blow ya doors off their hinges. So if ya think ya got the beat and ya wanna tasty treat, why don’tcha come and see me while ya grovel at my feet. Cause I’m the coolest chillest queen that ever did exist, so bounce ya booty over here so it can get kissed...OH GOB, she thinks she can rap now!”.

Fionna fell back on the bed, laughing long and hard before tossing the paper back on the floor. She couldn’t get the image of Ice Queen surrounded by beatboxing penguins rapping out her plan to capture princes and smooch her nemesis out of her head. Just thinking of it brought on a fit of giggles, and she didn’t even care about the smooching part.

At least for a moment, anyway.

Once she regained her composure, she resumed poking around, kicking aside errant dresses and undergarments. She wasn’t even sure what she was looking for. Just...some kind of evidence that the queen was up to no good. A blueprint of the Candy Kingdom palace. A “hit list” of attractive princes. A diabolically-glowing love potion. ANYTHING, really.

In a final half-hearted movement, she meandered over to the closet. Shoving aside an array of fancy dresses and corsets (and snickering at a particularly sizeable pair of panties), she stopped when she saw something pink dangling limply from the lips of a chest on the floor. With some effort, she pried the lid open and peered inside.

...oh. Right.

She gently ran the smooth, pink thing through her fingers and pulled it out of the chest. It was a full-size bodysuit that quite strikingly resembled Prince Gumball. A complete second skin, accurate down to the wave of his gooey hair. Ice Queen had used it once before, imitating Gumball to a tee and taking Fionna on a rather romantic date before she’d later found the real Gumball frozen to the ceiling of his bedroom.

She shuddered and looked back down at the crumpled face of the suit. Holding a lifeless mock Gumball in her arms was certainly giving her the creeps. And yet...

She looked left, looked right.

And silently pulled open apart the opening in the front of the costume and stepped inside.

The pants felt unexpectedly roomy. She found there was plenty of slack throughout the suit, despite knowing she had thicker legs and was slightly shorter than the prince. The fit was quite snug, but not tight or restrictive. There must be some kind of space magic spell or something on this, she mused. There’s no way Ice Queen should be able to fit her big fat caboose into these pants.

Her eyes took no time to adjust at all. The suit quite literally felt like wearing a second skin, only one that by all accounts should be thinner and taller than her first skin. Once again, Fionna had to hand it to the Ice Queen, this creation was grade A...if creepy. She turned to look at herself in the mirror.

Whoa.

She turned to her left. She turned to her right. She turned 180 degrees and looked back over her shoulder.

Reflected in the mirror was a person who looked exactly like Prince Gumball. Not Fionna in a Gumball suit, it was the prince himself. She raised a leg, made a face, stuck her bottom out, and cycled through some rude gestures with her hands. She was literally embodying the prince. No wonder Ice Queen had been able to fool her before.

Spinning around a few more times, she marvelled at the way the costume changed her appearance so radically. Her tree trunk thighs, her mossy mat of hair, her poochy belly, her pigeon feet, her bubble bags, her rumpus bump...she was a completely different person. A flawless spitting image of someone else.

Oh wait, she thought. Except for one thing.

“My voice,” she said, then quickly clapped her hand over her mouth.

She paused before repeating cautiously, “...my voice?”

She even spoke like the prince.

“Um...yes, I’m Prince Gumball. The wimpy princely boy of the extremely manly land of pollywog lollipops and baby brownie booties.”

She almost took a moment to congratulate the queen on making something so precise, until she realized what it was she was about to do there.

Instead she admired her (well, Gumball's) body in the mirror a little longer. She began to understand why Ice Queen would make something such as this. Anytime she felt insecure or unloved, she could easily just slip into a different body. Wear someone else's face and hands and legs. Speak in a dulcet tone instead of a reviled one. Attract people instead of repel.

The more she thought about it, the closer she came to a conclusion she'd been hoping to avoid. Her mind kept returning to the scene of Ice Queen's deceptive date. She'd worn this same costume. She'd acted just like Gumball. She'd taken Fionna on a date. And deny as she might, deep down Fionna knew she'd even had fun on that date.

The gears in her mind were whirring rapidly, connecting point A to B. Ice Queen dressed herself up as Gumball just to take ME out on a date...and now she's acting all chummy one minute, all psycho the next. It's totally like...

Oh glob, NO. That can't be what she's doing! It's not possible! That's nasty! That's rank-n-stank! Unacceptable!

She put her hands to her head and walked out of the bedroom, muttering "Not real, not real, not real...I should probably get out of here. She’s getting inside my head again.”

She walked quickly back through the hallway, through the living room and into the main entrance. It was here that she noticed, reflected in the icy walls, the face of Prince Gumball.

“...oh. Oops.”

She’d completely forgotten she was still inside the bodysuit. The suit's fit was so comfortable it didn't even register that she was still inside it. Fionna decided to blame it on the queen being on her mind again.

She hastily walked back to the bedroom and pulled herself free of the suit, stuffing it back in the trunk. As she stepped out of the closet she turned once again to look at herself in the mirror.

“...nuts, I’ve got a big old balloon belly again.”

She gave herself the mirror once-over, despite telling herself she would stop doing this. Cake had repeatedly told her that chubbiness didn’t stop her from being an adventurer. She had said, quote, “Fat people are just normal people who haven’t been on any adventures lately.”

Well, I haven’t been having a whole lot of adventures, she thought as she ran a hand over her full stomach. Not lately, anyway. Evil’s kept its mouth shut and doesn't want to fight me. I’ve just been sitting on my butt all day, every day, waiting for evil to show up, but she never does! And then when I go out looking for her, she’s not even there!

Where the plop is she, anyway? Doesn’t she live here? Doesn’t she realize that she’s got pets to take care of? She’s acting all bizonkers, going on vacations and stalking me and kissing me and then hiding from me and making me breakfast and making me fat and MAKING ME MAD!

In a sudden burst of anger, Fionna swiveled to face the wall and delivered an aggressive kick. She was breathing through clenched teeth now. She pulled her foot from the divot left behind and stormed out of the room, leaving the already broken door on the floor.

A scattered few penguins were hanging around in the hallway. Fionna angrily picked up one, then another, tucking each under an arm. She made sure to stomp with each ice-cracking step, thundering her way through the sea of penguins in the living room. “Outta my way, you pot stickers!”

The mass of Gertrudes were being particularly unhelpful, nearly tripping her with each step. She growled and began carelessly kicking them out of the way, sending them squeaking across the room like chew toys. Her breath began steaming in the air as she continued to plunge through to the drawing room.

Stupid penguins. Why does she keep all these greasy little fish-gobblers anyway? Stupid, stupid stupid!

She eyed the statues lining either wall, glaring in particular at a smiling polar bear. She spun around on her heel and kicked it hard, decapitating it with ease. “Not so smiley NOW, are ya?!” She spit on the severed head and continued her storm out of the cave. Her stomping loosed a few icicles from the roof at the cave’s mouth, one of which landed with a thump atop her head.

“STUPID ICE!” she shouted. The penguins under her arms began squirming and squawking with uncertainty. “Shut it, you two!”

She trudged out to the edge of the sheer ice cliff below. With not even a speck of restraint, she threw the two penguins into the snow, side-by-side and face-up, then sat on them, one cheek per penguin belly. She dug her mittenless fingers into the snow and shoved off. And the angriest heroine in the land slid down the steep slope of the tallest mountain in the Ice Kingdom on a sled made of penguins.

The landscape whirred by in a blur that would have been almost completely white, if not for the red fog in the corner of Fionna’s eyes. She was seething inside, a burning sensation that threatened to burst from her chest if even just one more thing went wrong. The only thoughts buzzing in her brain were those of how she'd failed this mission she'd given herself.

“Freakin BUTT!” she cursed. “BUTT! BUTT! BUTTS! This should have been an easy mission, but NO! I had to sneak out of my house, walk all the way out to the coldest place on the planet, spend hours getting my hands all frozen and bloody climbing up her stupid ice mountains, break in to her frozen animal house, sift through all of her personal biz, kick her precious penguins around, eat all her food, break down her private doors, even rummage through her underwears and she WASN’T EVEN THERE! Oops, that’s wrong. She WAS there! While I was just snoozing my life away, she sneaks in behind me and makes a ROYAL BREAKFAST, and slips back out before I even know what’s up! How could I sleep through someone sizzling up some bacon, for glob's sake? I’m just the worst, loseriest loser in this stink-butt world! I didn’t accomplish ANYTHING! All I’ve got to show for my troubles are some cruddy new scars and a big fat food baby belly! EAUGH!”

Moments later, she reached the foot of the mountain, where she promptly rose to her feet, gave her makeshift sled a good kick in the tailbones, then huffed her way back through the forest.

Everyone better stay the plops away from me, she said to herself, eyes darting back and forth for forest dwellers. I’m a hot steaming mess right now, and I’m gonna BLOW MY HOLES if anyone gets on my bad side!

She didn't make it twenty steps before hearing: “Hey. Hey you!”

Fionna turned sharply to see a scrawny, snail-shelled squirrel sneering up at her. He was holding a tiny knife in one hand, pointed toward a similarly scrawny snail-shelled squirrel, and he seemed to be a little agitated.

Fionna frowned down at him. “What’s going on here, little mac?”

“I want you grab this guy’s nuts for me.” He motioned up to the tree limb far above him, where a small, lumpy parcel sat precariously. "They're in the bag."

Hands on her hips, Fionna brought her face in closer, still frowning. “Why do you need me to do it? You’re a squirrel. This should be bread and butter for you.”

The squirrel deftly switched hands with a toss of the knife and pointed the tiny thing at Fionna’s nose. “Cause I need to make sure HE doesn’t get to it first.”

“That sounds a lot like stealing. And I am NOT okay with pinching people’s nuts for you!”

“Yeah?” the squirrel chirped. “Well this is kind of important, human girl. You wanna take this up with my POISON KNIFE or help me out here?”

Fionna snorted, nostrils flared. “Poison, right. Like that wussy little pushpin of yours is gonNNAAOWW!”

She pulled away quickly and put a hand to her cheek, wincing from the hot pain. It felt like being pinched by someone with sharp fingernails. “...bad idea, dude,” she whispered scathingly.

She lunged forward and grabbed hold of the squirrel, constricting his entire body. She tried to ignore the pinprick sensation of the knife being repeatedly stabbed into her palm, instead squeezing tighter. The squirrel started choking and wriggling in her grip.

“Still think that was a smart move, ya little runt? Huh?!” She brought him up to eye level again, breathing hot air on his face through her gritted teeth. He open and shut his mouth repeatedly, gagging for air.

“Don’t kill him!” the second squirrel yelled. “Don’t kill him!”

Fionna whipped her head around to look back at the alleged victim. “Why not?”

“He’s my brother!”

Fionna stared down at the choking squirrel in her hand, watching him struggle. She couldn’t feel anything in her hand anymore. She heard a small cracking sound, then promptly released him, laying him back down on the tree branch.

His brother skittered over quickly. “You...you cracked his shell!”

Fionna looked up from trying to pick the sliver-sized knife out of her hand. “He's not dead. He can always get a new shell from somewhere else. He'll be just freakin' fine.”

The attacking squirrel coughed a few times, gasping for air. His brother straightened out his ruffled hair and cast aside the chips from his broken shell. “That was...probably unnecessary, ya know? You could have killed him!”

Fionna exhaled and tossed the knife over her shoulder into the bushes. She glared down at both of them. “He attacked me! He was sticking you up for robbery, and he wanted to get me in on it! He’s a criminal, I was just bringing him to a hero's justice! Oh yeah, and also...”.

She pulled back and thrust her fist forward into the trunk of the tree. The parcel bag fell from the branch above, landing in the waiting arms of the victim squirrel.

“...there, I didn’t even have to TOUCH your nuts.”

Fionna crossed her arms and stood back, feeling a little better about herself. The victim squirrel slung the bag over his shoulder and proceeded to kick his brother off the branch, letting him fall to the ground. “Hah! I was actually the one robbing HIM, ya doofus!”

With that, he scampered up the tree, turning back when he was out of reach of Fionna’s already-drawn sword. “Oh yeah, and if I were you, I’d kill your engines for a bit. You’re lettin’ off some bad mojo, kid.”

Fionna’s face grew sour as she collapsed her sword and returned it to her backpack. She grabbed a handful of rocks from the ground and began throwing them in the squirrel's direction, missing terribly.

“I can smell it, it’s so bad," the squirrel continued, pinching his nose. "Seriously. It’s like you’re fartin’ up a bad mojo storm over here. Whew!”

She kicked the tree angrily in response.

“...yeah. Well good luck dealin’ with that and all. Laters!”

He caught hold of falling leaf and flew away in an inexplicable breeze, chuckling and leaving Fionna to stew in her own bad mojo. She stomped off, leaving the broken squirrel to fend for itself.

Before long though, she softened up a bit and sat down on an inoffensive stump to rest. That...that wasn’t very cool of me, was it? she thought. Agh, I’ve really got a problem here. I’m way too mad for my own good. I know it’s all Ice Queen’s fault, but I still don’t know exactly WHY she makes me so mad...

It’s because she’s playing games with me, and I don’t know the rules! She keeps moving around the game board like there’s no path you’re supposed to follow! She’s playing with loaded dice! She's wheeling and dealing from the bottom of the deck! And I just can’t win!

I bet if I could just talk to her, this wouldn’t be so infuriating. I just need to find out where she’s hiding. I need to get inside her head so she’ll get out of mine!

...is that really what I need though? To just get her out of my brain? Why don't I just not think about her, then? I tried that already, and it didn’t work. I just sat around playing video games and getting fat from the lack of adventuring.

She groaned loudly and threw herself backward, sprawled out and belly-up on the stump.

It’s almost like...like I need her to be in my brain to make get off my buns and go on adventures and junk! She’s my mortal enemy...and having an enemy is what keeps you on your toes. But she’s not ACTING like my enemy anymore! She’s acting like she’s got some weird crush on me. But she’s still okay with swinging her sword and zapping me, too...so is she trying to be my enemy or not? What’s she getting at?

UGH, I just don’t understand this game!

Fionna stared up at the sky for a few moments, watching the clouds silently roll along and listening to the faint stirring of the wind. I just need to talk to her, she repeated to herself. That’s all.

At last she sat up and shook her head, pulling loose the debris left behind from lying on the stump. She knew she ought to get home now. Cake’s probably freaking out by now, she thought. I hope she didn’t run off by herself to come find me...she wouldn’t even know where to look.

She’d probably run to Prince Gumball, she added, with just a hint of bitterness. She still thinks I have a thing for him. But he’d probably be the most helpful person to turn to...

She walked on, much calmer and cooler now that she’d had a chance to accept her failed mission and remember what her ultimate goal was. She hadn’t figured out everything yet, but talking to the queen was beyond a shadow of a doubt what needed to happen next. She’d eventually have to come out of hiding, and Fionna would be right there, waiting for her.

“That’s what I’ll do,” she said aloud, brightening up. “I’ll spread the word! I’ll have everyone keep their balls open and come tell me the minute they see her!”

For the first time in so many hours, a smile crossed her face. She had a plan. She had a new mission. The red fog was nowhere to be seen now, only bright, springtime sunshine.

She cleared the woods without further incident, and came up on the treehouse with good mood intact. But it wouldn’t last for long, for now she had to explain to Cake where she’d been all night. She inhaled slowly, puffing up her chest, and began crossing the lawn in a confident stride.

She slowly deflated as she got closer, though. Cake was lazily stretched out in an armchair not far from the tree, eyes closed and head lightly bobbing to the barely audible music emanating from her oversized headphones. She didn’t look like any kind of the worried that Fionna had expected her to be. Fionna casually bumped the lawn chair with her foot.

Cake turned her head to look. “Oh, g’morning sleepybuns!” She removed the headphones and shut the music off. “You eat breakfast already?”

The question caught Fionna completely off guard. “Huh? I...yeah, actually, but-”

“Aww, too bad...I was gonna make some omelettes!” Cake sat up and turned her attention to Fionna, calm as a cucumber.

“Oh,” Fionna mumbled, eyes sweeping around briefly before refocusing on her best friend. “Yeah...um, no, guess you won’t have to...uh, so, anyway...sorry if I made you worry and stuff.”

“About what?” Cake asked. “Sleepin’ in late? Fi, you ALWAYS sleep in late, you don’t have to apologize for it!”

“But...no, I mean...I was out all night!”

Cake raised an eyebrow. “What are you talkin’ about? You were snorin’ all night! Sounded like a pachyderm in the house.”

Fionna slumped forward slightly. “Whaa? But I...no, I snuc--I went out last night! I was out all night long!”

Cake cocked her head. “You sure you weren’t just dreamin’? You’ve been in bed all night and all morning, I saw you. Did you know you still sleep with your booty in the air? Hehehe...”.

“But, no...how?” Fionna sputtered. “No Cake...see...I really WAS out all night. I kinda...went to the Ice Kingdom to try and find Ice Queen, and...”.

Cake rose out of the chair and stretched up to Fionna’s height, putting her paws on the girl’s cheeks. “...okay now booger, this is serious talk. If you’re lyin’ to me, I’m gonna smack your other cheeks, got it?”

“Yerp,” Fionna responded.

Cake took a deep breath. “Now, I SAW you asleep when I went to bed last night, and you were still asleep when I woke up. And I woke up EARLY this mornin’. I made some lunches for later today, cleaned up the living room cause I’ve got a date with Lord Monochromicorn this afternoon, and I’ve been chillin’ to this dulcimer concerto for like an hour now. You never left the room that I saw.”

Fionna pulled herself away from Cake’s grasp. “You sure YOU weren’t dreaming? Dude, I was totally out in the Ice Kingdom last night! Look, I got bruises to prove it!”

She pulled up her shirt and pointed to a few sore spots. “See? Look, here’s one, and here’s one...”.

“Put that away, Fi, no one wants to see that!” Cake turned away and tugged Fionna’s shirt back into place.

“It’s nothing you haven’t seen before, glob! I’m just trying to prove my point here!”

Cake frowned. “Fi, you were havin’ a really bad dream or somethin’. You were out like a candle all night long, I SAW you! And I KNOW you’re not callin’ me a liar...are you?”

“But you couldn’t have seen me, I wasn’t there!”

“FIONNA!” Cake shouted.

For a moment there was absolute silence. Something flapped overhead. Both glaced up, but the sky remained empty.

“...maybe something weird is going on around here,” Fionna began.

“Don’t change the...wait, what do you mean, weird?”

“I mean like...what if there’s some weird illusion spell or time paradox thing going on?”

Cake snorted. “That’s a stretch, Fi. You’re really stretchin’ it thin now.”

“No, I’m serious,” Fionna insisted. “What if somebody’s hiding something from us?”

“Like who?”

Fionna paused. She almost blurted it right out, but her brain stopped long enough for her to think carefully about the next words to come out of her mouth. Not that it mattered, since Cake predicted it a second later.

“Baby, NO. Don’t you even tell me this is about Ice Queen!”

Fionna shifted her backpack and grunted.

“Girl, you gotta LISTEN to me on this one! That frost witch is BAD BUSINESS, I mean it! Don’t go thinkin’ this is all about her!”

“Cake, come on! You gotta listen to ME, too! I know I didn’t dream all this up, because it just happened! I spent all night in Ice Queen’s cave looking for her! I banged myself all up! My whole biz is bonked! I couldn’t have dreamed this!”

Cake frowned, but remained silent.

“Now...I’m just thinking out loud here, but what if she used some kind of trick spell? Like, what if she made a hologram of me in bed? Or what if you were hypnotized and she changed your memories to make you think you’ve been busy all morning? What if she’s just crunking with us?”

Arms crossed and fingers drumming, Cake thought for a moment before responding, “Okay, fine, I’ll play along. To what end is she crunkin’?”

“I dunno, to drive us crazy?” Fionna was grasping for any possible straw of an idea, looking up in the sky for possible inspiration. She only saw a large shadowy bird in the distance, heading back the way she’d just come. “I mean, she IS my enemy, right? If she drives me bat-drool crazy, what would stand in her way of snatching up princes and icing up candy peeps? Ya know?”

Cake sighed, still not buying it.

“Come on Cake, how else do you explain why we both remember different stuff happening last night?”

“Well, I could be right and you could be wrong,” she muttered under her breath.

Fionna threw her head back and put her fingers to her temples, sighing. A glint of light from the now-distant mountains of the Ice Kingdom flickered in her eye.

And a thought occurred to her.

“...I think I have a hunch about this.”

A moment of silence passed.

“I’m going back.”

“Back to bed?” Cake asked sarcastically.

“Back to the Ice Kingdom.” Fionna started walking off. Cake was quick to block her path.

“Fionna, NO. As your surrogate cat-mama, I FORBID it!”

“Cake, MOVE!” Fionna pushed against her, to no avail.

“I’m not lettin’ you go back there! I’m not lettin’ you go to HER!”

“CAKE! Would you just trust me on this?!”

“I will not! You’re gonna get yourself HURT, girl! This is NOT okay!”

Fionna reached into her backpack and pulled out her sword, expanding it to full size. “...Cake, you’re my best bud. But I really, REALLY need to do this. You need to either let me go, or I’m gonna have to mess you up.”

Cake tensed up, but restrained herself from pouncing, breathing harder as she spoke.. “Fionna...are you really gonna use that? On ME?”

“If it'll get you to stop being such a mom and just let me do this, then yeah, I totally might do it!"

Cake took a moment, various emotions passing across her face, before exhaling slowly and stepping aside. "Fi...you're still my baby, and I don't want nothin' bad to happen to you. But I guess if all I did was try to protect you from everything myself, I wouldn't be any better to you than Ice Queen was to me."

Fionna looked up at her and nodded.

"If you think this is what you need, and you think you've got what it takes to clock her socks, then...I guess I support it." Her mouth curled at the edges into a smile.

Fionna's face defrosted into a smile as well. "Thanks, Cake."

"But I am TOTALLY coming with you! Ain't no WAY I'm gonna let some dumb-butt ice hag jack up my baby!"

Fionna's arms were suddenly around Cake's neck. "That's cool. This means a lot to me, girl."

"Yeah, yeah," Cake said, brushing her off. "Sisters stick it out together, right?"

"Yeah, let's stick it out!"

On cue, both bent at the waist, sticking their bottoms out and bumping them together. "Butt bump, YEAH!"

"Alright!" Fionna announced, hopping on Cake's back as she grew several times in size. "Let's go roll some snow heads!"

Cake looked back up at her. "...I thought we were gonna go after Ice Queen?"

"Well...yeah, I mean...roll some heads, roll some snowballs...".

"...oh. OH. You mean like...okay, got it. Got it."

"Yeah, that was a dumb pun. Sorry."

"Meh, I've heard worse. Remember, I used to live with ICE QUEEN."


	7. A Creature of Passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fionna & Cake engage in a little ransackery, only to find that the creepy Prince Gumball skin costume isn't the only skeleton in Ice Queen's closet...and after deciding to enlist the help of their favorite vampire, they notice that Gumball has ALSO been acting weird...WHAT THE HECK?!

“Do you even remember living here, Cake?”

The question came out more bluntly than Fionna had meant it. She’d been sitting on it for nearly the whole trip though, and it had been dying to escape her lips the entire time.

“Kinda...I mean, I guess so.” Cake sounded unimpressed, but not particularly bitter. “Everything kinda looks the same, but that’s mostly cause it’s just snow and ice. That stuff doesn’t change, pretty much ever.”

“Hmm...” was the only response Fionna could think of.

She slid off Cake’s back as she returned to her usual size and stepped once more into the mouth of the queen’s drawing room. “Queenie, we’re home!”

Cake flicked Fionna’s arm. “What are you, her wife?”

“Relax girl, I bet you a muffin top she’s not even here.” Fionna adjusted her backpack and strode casually into the cave.

Cake raised an eyebrow, then followed behind her. “If she’s not here, then why are we?”

“I told you dude, I have a hunch,” Fionna said, noting to herself that the polar bear statue she’d beheaded earlier this morning was now standing proud and tall and re-headed. “First I wanna find some good, solid evidence that she’s been here between the time I got back to the treehouse and now.”

Cake groaned, but carried on beside her, looking around at the room in a state of subdued curiosity. “...dang, when did she get so many penguins? She only had, like a handful when I was a kitten ‘round here.”

“Yeah,” Fionna said, keeping the grabby little penguins away with her foot as she waded through the lot of them flubbing about in the living room. “I don’t even know how or if she takes care of them at all. It’s like they kind of just own the place.”

“Big difference between the way she treats them and the way she treated me...”. There was a hint of remorse attached to the end of that sentence, but Cake left it hanging.

Fionna waited a moment before responding, eyes on a wall poster. “You miss her at all?”

Cake sighed, thumbing her way through titles on the bookshelf. Fionna blushed, remembering what she’d read in those same books. “I don’t know...maybe? I mean, it’s different now. I might still miss her if I was still the baby. But I’m not the baby anymore. I’m the adult, now that I’ve got you. It’s like a whole different relationship we’d have...ya know, if she wasn’t evil and all that.”

“...yeah.” Fionna turned away to roll her eyes at the insinuation of her being the “baby” now. She took note of the reogranized bookshelf and made her way into the kitchen.

This place had definitely been cleaned up. Fionna had left all her dirty dishes in a heap on the counter, which was now polished and glimmering with the midday sunlight streaming through the window. She’s totally been back already, she thought as her heart started beating faster.

She moved on to the bathroom. The mirror had been completely restored, her bandaged hand now being the only proof it was ever broken in the first place. All the snow and ice shards had been cleared from the floor as well. She darted for the bedroom.

The door had been rehinged, and swung open with ease, but the bedroom was still a cluttered, fragmented mess. The floor was as littered with clothes and paper as ever, a few drawers were half-opened with sleeves hanging out, and the closet door was slightly ajar, with a dress sleeve reaching out. Was the queen still here or not?

“Hey Cake, come check this out!”

Knocking penguins aside, Cake sauntered into the bedroom, then stopped. “...whoa. What kinda train wreck tornado hit THIS place?”

“I know, right?” Fionna kicked aside a crumple of poetry and knelt down to check under the bed. “She’s worse than me!”

Cake’s face softened into an uncomfortable expression as she turned around, viewing the mess. “Fi...somethin’ about this doesn’t feel right.”

“Whatcha mean?” Fionna asked, butt in the air as she groped around under the mattress, looking for a trapdoor handle.

“I mean...feels like I shouldn’t be in here. Somethin’s making my tail all kinds of frizzy.” She took her bushy tail in her hands and glanced from side to side, half-expecting something to leap out at her.

“What, you mean like you weren’t allowed in here when you were a kitten?” Nothing under the bed.

“No, I mean like there’s somethin’ here right now...somethin’ about to happen.”

“Wait, you’re all frizzed up?” Fionna pulled herself free and back-flipped to her feet. “That means she’s probably hiding out in here somewhere!”

With swift, fluid movements, she drew her sword and dashed over to the closet, swinging in wide but controlled arcs. “Queenie-pants! Chug your caboose out here!” She prodded the dress sleeve with her foot. “That you, you old hag?”

Receiving no response, Fionna sighed heavily and proceeded to kick the door in, smashing it against the trunk inside. As she expected, the queen was not standing there with an ice sword in hand and slick grin on her face. The trunk was shut, no pink sleeve hanging out this time.

Cake crept up behind her and peeked around the corner. “What was that for? Were you expecting her to just be sittin’ in her closet, knittin’ a...new faucet?”

Fionna snorted as she pushed the queen’s hanging garments aside, wondering if she should show the Gumball suit to Cake, just for kicks. “What kind of rhyme fail was that, Cake?”

“Oh, shush! Like you could do any better. You know I’m the best rapper.”

“Oh, you think so?”

“Girl, I KNOW so! You prob’ly can’t even get through one verse without droppin’ the beat like a hot potato!”

“You’re on, dude!” Fionna looked around for quick inspiration as Cake improvised a beatbox rhythm behind her. Her gaze stopped on the trunk. She grinned and counted her way into the beat.

“Alright now, listen to me girl I’m flippin’ out the funk, while I spill the Queen’s beans about her trash nasty junk, she needs tissues for her issues cause she thinks that she’s a hunk, so relax your backs and hold your chunks and peek inside her trunk!”

Right on cue, she kicked open the lid of the trunk and gestured inside with a flourish. She held the pose for a few seconds, and looked up after a few seconds more to see Cake with a confused and disgusted expression pasted on her face. Fionna turned to look for herself and uttered a noise that sounded like “Gyut!”

Sitting in the trunk was not a puffy pink suit. It was a simple two-tone blue outfit. With a long-eared white hat. And cornfield-yellow hair. Fionna slowly sank back into reality, finding herself staring at a second skin of her own body.

Ice Queen was a psychopath, and Fionna’s lifeless body was in her trunk.

“...oh my Grod, what am I looking at...”. Fionna carefully picked up the suit by one arm, holding it between thumb and forefinger like it was some kind of toxic sludge.

Cake tried to assume the role of the logical, level-headed lab assistant. “Well...it’s uh...obviously you. Well, y’know, a suit that looks like you...and, uh...".

Fionna turned the suit around once or twice, examining it in fascinated horror. "Why does she...who's been wearing this thing?! Why would she-".

"She was tryin' to take your place!" Cake interrupted, snatching the suit from her and quickly thinking of a way she could prevent Fionna from coming to any other weird conclusions. "Obviously! She...she probably wore this herself! Impersonatin' you when you're outta the treehouse!"

Fionna processed this silently for a moment. Then she came back to life. "So that was it! You thought you saw ME sleeping there all night long, but it was really Ice Queen!"

"Y-yeah, that must have been it! That butt!" Cake took the suit from Fionna's hand and hastily stuffed it back in the trunk. "So, now we know she's not here right? We can go back home now, yeah?"

Fionna shook her head. "No Cake, don't you get it? If Ice Queen isn't here, and there's a Fionna suit in here instead of a Gumball suit...that means she's out impersonating Gumball right now! We gotta STOP her!"

"But why? Why's she impersonating Gumball again?" Cake thought aloud. "Is she planning to trick you into another date?!"

"WHO CARES DUDE, LET'S JUST GO CRACK HER SKULL!" Fionna shouted, making a beeline for the door. She was blocked by Cake's stretchy belly. "What the crumpets, Cake?!"

"Fionna, listen! Do you even have a plan at all?"

"Yeah, I got a great plan!"

"What is it?"

"SCREAMING SWORD SCRAMBLE!" she roared, smashing her sword into the wall.

"That's stupid, Fi!" Cake tried to snatch the sword from Fionna's hand, but she was swinging it around too much for her to get a grip on it. "Look, what if she pulls another crazy psycho trick on you?"

Fionna poked Cake's stomach with her pinky finger, then slid under her belly and out the door when she involuntarily doubled over from the touch. "Heep! Fionna you march those buns back here this MOMENT!"

The penguins were once again crowding the floor space, making it difficult for Fionna to slip through them. The more that got in her way, the less respect she showed them, kicking them aside like she’d done earlier. The anger was coming back, and quickly.

There was a scrambling, scraping sound coming from behind her. “Fionna! You gotta wait up for me, girl! This is important!” She instead listened to instinct and started leaping her way past penguins gracefully. Until she landed a particularly fat grubber and crashed awkwardly in a pile of limbs.

Cake quickly crawled over to her, stretching right over the heads of the wayward penguin throng, pulled Fionna upright and held her by the cheeks. “What’s wrong with you?! I’m tryin’ to tell you somethin’ IMPORTANT!”

Fionna winced slightly, something had twinged in her ankle when she fell. Great, she thought. The classic blunder where the girl trips and hurts her ankle while running. Whatevs, I got this. This is nothing. Wait, what did Cake just say?

“I SAID, what if Ice Queen plays the old ‘Two Gumballs’ trick?”

“Which one is that?”

“Exactly!” Cake said as she cleared away the penguins to make some room, then pushed Fionna to the ground and sat on her stomach. “What if she’s all wearin’ the Gumball suit at the Candy Kingdom, then you spot her, but it’s really the Prince? And then she shows up in the Gumball suit and the fightin’ starts and then you can’t tell the two apart?”

“Oh...” came a wheezed response as Fionna squirmed under Cake’s girth. “I could totally tell them apart...I mean...well, probably. Maybe? Ooof...”.

“She pretty darned well tricked you once before, she could do it again, don’tcha think?”

“...maybe...”.

“Thought so,” Cake smirked for a moment, proud to finally trump her best friend for a change. “Now, the real question is...what are we gonna do to make sure that doesn’t happen?”

Constricted airways were making it difficult for Fionna’s brain to process thoughts. Or at least that’s what she chose to blame for the moment. “...uh...do we have like, any x-ray glasses? Or like...mirrors of revelation?”

Cake thought for a moment. “No on the specs, and I think we gave our mirror to that one muffin pixie, remember?”

“Yerp,” Fionna responded.

“Hmm...what else...”, Cake purred, debating on how long she should stretch out her moment of triumph. She decided breathing was probably a privilege her sister deserved and rolled off to Fionna’s side. “I s’pose we’ll have to get some backup or something.”

“Who we gonna get?” Fionna asked, gasping over-dramatically.

Cake put her paws on her chin and rocked slightly, rubbing her lips together as she thought. Behind her, a pair of penguins began a long and sensual kiss.

After a moment, “Ooh, what about Marshall?” suddenly came out of both girl’s mouths. “Yeah!”

“Marshall’s got that sort of sixth sense thingy, right? He can probably smell when a person’s fakin’ it!”

“Yeah, he’s got weird vampire powers and junk! We should totally recruit him for Operation ICEBREAKER!”

“Wooo, yeah!” Cake suddenly paused. “Wait, you mean like you wanna BREAK the Ice Queen, or you wanna ‘break the ice’ with the Queen?”

Fionna blushed and sputtered, “Th-the first one. That thing. Yeah.”

She was met with a chuckle and a roll of the eyes. “Just teasin’, ya goose. Now get on my back and let’s go talk to that sexy vampire dude!”

Momentarily relieved, she hopped to her feet and climbed on Cake’s back as the two of them quickly strode back down the chilly mountainside.

Marshall will totally help us, she thought to herself. He’s my bud. My skillet bacon. My ham fry. He’ll help. He’s got to.

...I hope.

The sun was long since past its peak and sinking slowly into the bed of the horizon when Cake set foot in front of the cave that housed Marshall’s otherwise quite unassuming, picket-fence house. Both girls had often admired the uniqueness of that house. Marshall had told them that this is what houses looked like a thousand years ago, though neither of them were quick to believe such a tale. Bright green wooden houses with little white fences were normal back then? What a bunch of marshmallows. Still, they had both admitted it was a neat contrast to the dark and foreboding cave it sat nestled inside.

Cake downsized herself to her familiar two-foot stature and walked alongside Fionna on all fours. It was a habit. Even after living with and acting like a human for so many years, she still found time to be a cat.

“We should probably knock softly, in case he’s like...still asleep or something,” Fionna advised.   
“Remember the time he was actually a bat sleeping on the cave ceiling and we decided to play that one really loud Beemo remix outside his house?”

“How could I forget? Boy he was MAAAAD!”

Fionna nodded and led the way up the steps of Marshall’s porch and raised a hand to knock on the door, then stopped. Something pink had caught her eye in the window.

“Hang on a sec. What’s going...oh...OH.”

She quickly dropped into a squat and forced Cake’s head down, peeking up slowly to the window. “Whaskfrikipthbt-” was all Cake had time to say.

“Shh...look.” She pointed at the pink thing, which, from behind, looked a lot like Prince Gumball. Wrapped around his body were two greyish arms, bearing a flannel shirt. And...was he floating?

Fionna stared for a moment, watching with wide eyes. Cake looked at the window, then back at Fionna. “Girl? You okay?”

“Shh!”

“Hey, is that Gumball?”

“SHUSHERS, CAKE!”

“Or wait, more accurately, is that Ice--MMFNHMGR?”

Fionna clamped her hand over her cat-sister’s mouth, which was immediately met with the sandpaper scratch feeling of Cake’s tongue scraping over it. “Eww! Did you just lick me? What the dump, dude!”

“Alright, what the heck’s going on out here?”

There was an awkward silence as both girls looked up to see Marshall Lee standing in the doorway, arms crossed and chewing something that was probably bubblegum.

“Oh, uhh...” Fionna made a couple of nervous hand movements and false starts to broken sentences. “I, uh...we were, we just came over to uh...we were-”.

“Creepin’ and peepin’ on me and Gumball?”

Fionna raised her hands and let out a forced laugh. “Ha, no, not at all, it’s not like...uhm, I mean, we were seriously just coming over and didn’t know you...had company, that’s all!”

“Right. You two were totally perving it up out here, watching us, weren’t ya?” He looped his way around Fionna and caught in her a headlock, proceeding to grace her head with a noogie.

“Bluhh, stop it, Marshall!”

Cake sidled up to the vampire king and grinned. “And I’m glad we did! I didn’t know you had a thing with Gumball, Marshall! Hoo, that is EXCITIN’!” She elbowed Marshall’s leg in congratulations.

Prince Gumball stepped forward. “Cake, it would be most helpful if you and Fionna were to keep this sort of ‘under wraps’,” he said somewhat apprehensively, applying air quotes with his fingers. Fionna momentarily suspended the thought of Ice Queen being in the suit.

Cake turned to look up at him. “What? Why?” She suddenly gasped. “You mean because you’re...SECRET LOVERS?” Her grin expanded nearly twice its size at the thought.

“Agh, no, shut it!” Marshall said, releasing Fionna and drifting over toward Cake. “It’s not like...you’ve totally got that wrong!”

Cake laughed and put her face right up in Marshall’s. “That’s it, isn’t it! I figured it right out! Heeeehehehe!”

Fionna picked herself up, straightening her bunny hat. “Cake, don’t...”.

“Cake,” Marshall said, pressing a finger down on the cat’s nose, “If you tell anyone about this, I swear, I’ll hang you like a piñata and beat your candy guts out with my axe bass, you hear me?”

“Marshall, that...that was obscene!” Prince Gumball protested, shrinking away from the argument.

Ice Queen wouldn’t shrink away like that...unless she’s really playing this up...

That didn’t stop Cake. “Bah, you wouldn’t! I know you wouldn’t! You’re too much of a softy to do somethin’ like that to a sweet little kitty mow mow like me!” She blinked out a few butterfly kisses for added effect.

Marshall reared back and opened his mouth wide as his face contorted to match. “You wanna try me, then?!”

“Cake, you should probably stop...” Fionna’s words were drowned out by a swarthy fog welling up around Marshall.

Naturally, Cake heeded no attention to the warning. Instead, she stretched her own face into a mirror image of Marshall’s. “I ain’t scared of you, vampire boy! Bring it on!” Marshall hissed furiously in response, forked tongue wriggling between his arrowhead teeth.

“GUYS!”

Everyone, including the smoke, stopped hissing for a moment to look at Fionna, who was turned toward the mouth of the cave with a suspicious look on her face.

“PG, where are you going?”

Prince Gumball had already stepped back out of the cave and into the post-apocalyptic orange light of the sunset. “I can see this is a bad time. I thought it would be appropriate if I left you to resolve your issues amongst yourselves.”

Fionna stepped toward him as Cake and Marshall stared each other down, still not relenting from their scream faces. She really wasn’t certain what tone to take with him...if that was him. “No dude, this is just...it’s all a misunder-well, bad timing, yeah, on our part, I guess, but...that doesn’t mean you need to like, leave or anything...before we talk some more, that is.”

“No, I really, actually should leave,” the prince said, eyes running along the ground in embarrassment. “Things have clearly become awkward, and whatever tender moment there might have been is likely now extinguished...”.

Marshall threw his hands up and floated back toward the doorway. “Ugh, see what you guys did here just now? That’s called ‘uncool’! You two are seriously uncool right now.”

Fionna hunched forward, arms swinging and head cocked to one side. “Buh...PG, wait, you really shouldn’t go...”.

“No, no, no,” The prince said, clearly disappointed, but not completely defeated. “I really must go anyway, there are duties I’ve yet neglected today.”

There was a heavy sigh from Marshall, who donned a condescending frown and pointed it at both girls.

“Thank you for allowing me to chill with you today, Marshall. It was certainly very ice of you.”

There it was.

Marshall raised an eyebrow. “Very ice?” he snarked.

“Nice. Nice,” the prince replied, running a hand through his hair. “Sorry, slip of the tongue. It happens when things get awkward, you understand. Snow big deal, though, right?”

The world seemed to stop turning for a moment as Gumball looked at Marshall, who looked at Cake, who looked at Fionna, who was staring blankly back at Gumball. She was the first to animate.

“...ICE QUEEN!”

Her sword flashed in the retreating sunlight as she brandished it in the air then struck a fighting pose. Marshall hissed as a rogue beam reflected onto his face and he ducked into the shadow beside the house.

“Ice Queen? Where?!” Gumball immediately scanned the skies and covered his head.

“Don’t play dumb, you Sicle Hag, I KNOW that’s you in there!” She began a slow walk toward the prince.

“...that’s Ice Queen?” Marshall asked, rubbing his eye as it began to turn a fluorescent, acid green color.

Gumball raised his hands and looked around nervously, stuttering “I...I...”, then grinning and gaining confidence as he continued, “I...must admit, I was worried you wouldn’t catch on!”

And in the dying light of the ember sunset, Gumball pulled open his suit at the chest and a snow-haired, cackling face emerged, rising to full height before letting the lifeless prince fall in two to the ground.

“Wait just one jack-knifed minute here...” Marshall said, eyes gleaming in the darkness. “Are you seriously telling me I was just kissing the ICE QUEEN a few minutes ago?”

The queen simply grinned and licked her lips. Marshall hissed and smashed his head against the side of the house a few times, cursing in some indecipherable mystic language.

“So, you’ve found me out,” the queen said, training her sparkling expression on Fionna. “I’ve indeed been up to my old tricks, and I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you two twittering boobs!”

“Ice Queen, why is my body in your trunk?” Fionna blurted out. She hadn’t meant to lead with that question, but her brain wasn’t following the plan she’d been trying to make up to this point for some reason. She could feel it heating up inside her skull.

“Oh, so you saw that one too?” Ice Queen’s icicle smile stretched wider. “Good, isn’t it? A spitting image of the absolute cutie patoot you are. Even Cake couldn’t tell the difference!”

It was Cake’s turn to animate. “Ice Queen, SO HELP ME, I am gonna rip you some new stitches!” She lunged forward, but was knocked out the way by the rampaging beast of darkness that was Marshall Lee, who was screaming in unholy harmonics, “You’re a dead woman, Ice Queen! You’re DEAD!”

Fionna watched as the queen casually side-stepped Marshall’s first swipe, producing a small, diamond-shaped ice crystal from thin air and holding it up against the light of the sunset. Marshall’s skin began to burn as the refracted light washed over it in gleaming waves. He screamed and thrashed around in the air, coming back to make another pass at his assailant. She again side-stepped as he threw himself back into the shadow of the cave, returning to his normal shape and size.

“Marshall!” Fionna dashed over to him, watching the queen over her shoulder as Cake stepped forward for her turn. “You alright, dude?”

“Shut it, I’m fine,” he rasped, glaring back over his burning shoulder to watch Cake take a blow to the stomach from an ice mace. “Just have to wait in the shadows until the sun goes down a little further.”

Seconds later, Cake landed in a heap beside him. “Uff, she’s not lettin’ up today. She’s really packin’ a wallop, girl!”

Fionna stood up and tightened the grip on her sword, seething. “I got this, you guys. It’s probably me she wants, anyway.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Marshall asked, sitting up and leaning against a nearby stalagmite.

“I’ll explain later,” she responded, and stepped forward to face her nemesis once again. The queen was fiddling with her ice prism, trying to find just the right angle to burn Marshall with another beam from her place in the waning sunlight.

“Ice Queen, what the clam is wrong with you? Why are you such a pervator?”

She grinned and tucked the crystal away in the frontmost part of her dress. “Fionna, please. I know you’re not THAT innocent. Surely even a numbskull such as yourself can put two and two together.”

“So all you were trying to do was get a few smooches?” Fionna asked, hands in the air. “That was your one and only goal?”

“Mm, perhaps,” the queen responded, picking tiny ice crystals from under her sharpened fingernails. “Smooches are pretty great things, don’t deny that.”

“Well...yeah...I mean...I guess, but...”. Her brain continued sputtering as she tried unsuccessfully to predict the queen’s next move. “...if that’s true, why do all the dressing-up games and creepin’ around in my bedroom biz? Isn’t it easier to just...like, kidnap princes like a normal ice queen?”

“Oh please, Fionna,” came the reply, the queen now moving on to tossing and straightening her extravagant hair, “That never, ever works. I’m not going to get any legit smooches from my captives.” There was a pause before she finished with, “Nobody actually WANTS to kiss these icy lips.”

Fionna snorted and spit on the ground. “Ya got that right, creeper.”

“And anyway,” the queen continued, “If I were to go out and kidnap Marshall - or ANYONE, for that matter - you’d come running out to my cave in a heartbeat to come play the mighty hero and perform the daring rescue, wouldn’t you? You’d crash my party and snatch my boy toys before I’d even get a chance to play with them!”

Fionna eyed the queen as she carried on. What’s her game now? Is she trying to distract me?

“So think about it,” came Ice Queen’s continued speech. “I asked myself...how can I cash in on someone else’s smooches? How do I make off with a makeout? It’s quite simple, really. I just have to pretend I’m someone who’s looking to light up an old flame again...”. She winked at the glowing green eyes in the cave darkness.

“You...you knew about my old relationship?” Marshall asked, adding a little more scathe with each word. “I guess you’d have to have known...you’re such a SICKO!”

She responded with a smirk, flashing the ice prism from within her cleavage. Marshall shielded his eyes and tucked himself against the porch, hissing vehemently.

“Cake, you stay back,” Fionna warned as she pulled her sword from her pocket. “Go play light shield for Marshall.”

“I hope you know what you’re doin’...”. Cake hesitated before dashing over to the porch. “Be safe, baby.”

Fionna retrained her attention on the queen, who stood there, calm as ever, head tilted slightly to one side. “Ice Queen, you’re a gross old witch. Your brains are like a rotten cauliflower. I really oughtta just chop ‘em right off your stem right now.” Her grip on the sword hilt tightened. “...but I have to know some stuff first.”

Ice Queen frowned. “Fionna, it’s not like to you ask questions first and shoot later...are you feeling alright?”

“I’m fine,” Fionna said through partially-clenched teeth. She took a breath before continuing. “I don’t know if I even really wanna fight you right now. More than anything, I just wanna talk to you.”

Unamused, Ice Queen cracked her knuckles and shifted her weight to her other foot. “You wanna talk? That’s particularly boring for an adventurer...”.

“No it isn’t! Stop that!” She could feel eyes narrowing as the fire behind them was being stoked. “I really need to know what’s going on inside that stupid head of yours! I need to know what game you’re trying to play here!”

“Game? Oh yes, Fionna, this is most definitely a game. I love games.” A wicked smile crossed her lips. “Do you think I’m going to just tell you what kind of game this is, though?”

Fionna’s teeth were grinding together. The air around her took on an electrified smell. “...no. I really didn’t think you’d just talk that easy...”.

The queen held out a hand. “Sounds like there’s an ‘unless’ waiting to follow that sentence...”.

The fist holding her sword was visibly shaking now. “...unless I beat it out of your mouth.”

The evil grin became a small laugh. She put her hands together and pulled them apart slowly, pulling a long, gleaming ice sword from the air. She grasped the handle, arced it above her head, then brought it to rest at eye level and stepped back into a fighting stance, never once putting her grin away.

She made the taunt. Self-restraint dropped the leash and Fionna charged forward, growling.

So is this it, then? This is what she wants?

She ducked an oncoming swipe and countered with an upward thrust.

She wants to fight me...no, she wants me to fight her.

She whipped a figure-eight through the air, then quickly deflected a counterthrust.

She looks like she’s enjoying herself. She looks...alive.

She jumped, kicked, missed, blocked, slashed, missed.

Hard to tell...we’re moving too fast.

The swords clashed together, Fionna bearing down on the queen and staring into her unblinking eyes.

“...you seem a little weak today, Fionna...” Ice Queen said with a certain condescending, motherly voice. “I should think you’d have your strength back by now. Especially after eating all that big, healthy breakfast, hm?”

Fionna growled and shoved Ice Queen back, only to clash and hold steady again with the next swing.

“You can probably take that bandage off your hand now. My mirror is only a thin sheet of ice, it shouldn’t have hurt THAT hard...”.

Fionna snarled and dropped into a sweep kick. Ice Queen leaped just in time to avoid it, then struck down hard, bearing down on her as they once again held their position.

“I kind of figured you’d be nicer to my penguins, though,” she goaded. “For a heroine, you sure can be a crab sometimes!”

The fire that had been burning in the pit of Fionna’s stomach quickly shot up through her body and burst out of her mouth in the form of an enraged roar. She flew to her feet and began swinging with reckless abandon, sword singing as it sliced the air around them in two. And the ever-grinning Ice Queen danced on the most nimble of feet, ice sword swishing and slashing in great swaths, trailing glittering ice fragments in each arc.

Cake and Marshall watched in curious fascination as the two wove tight circles around each other, sparks and shards speckling at every twist. “...are they even fightin’ anymore?” Cake asked.

Marshall shook his head as he watched through squinted eyes. “Can’t tell...looks more like they’re...dancing or something. I almost feel like I should be laying down a chill jam for them.”

Cake elbowed him without taking her eyes off the scene. “Hush, you. I’ve just never seen Fionna this intense before. Ice Queen neither.”

“Yeah...”, Marshall said, rubbing his side. “It’s kind of pretty.”

Fionna landed a mighty blow that shattered the queen's blade. While she tried to respawn a new blade, Fionna seized the opportunity and body-slammed her full weight against the queen, throwing her to the ground. She quickly flew down on top of her nemesis, straddling her midsection and placing the blade against her throat.

"...well done, Fionna," Ice Queen wheezed. "I'm impressed you were even able to keep up with me at all!"

"Shut it." The words sounded hollow now, after using them so many times. "You've got nowhere left to go, witch! Now are you going to tell me what this stupid game is all about, or not?"

"That depends..." came the reply, accompanied by a sharp poke against Fionna's neck. "Are you going to keep playing?"

Fionna slowly turned her head to see a gnarled rod of ice pointed directly at her, stemming up from Ice Queen's upturned palm on the ground. "Ugh, that's not fair!"

"What's not fair, darling?" The words were again crooned in the Condescending Mom voice, with a hint of puckered lips.

"You!" Fionna yelled. "You're not fair! You won't tell me what's going on at all! You act like my enemy for years, then suddenly you start acting like we should be friends! You stalk me and mess with my head, you even KISS me! And then when I go try to talk to you, you disappear! BUT I KNOW YOU'RE STILL THERE BECAUSE YOU MADE ME A FREAKIN' BREAKFAST! And NOW, you suddenly drop me and start trying to perv up my vampire bro here, with NO EXPLANATION AT ALL!"

There was a distinct pause filled only with the sound of Fionna's heavy breathing. Cake's mouth had been hanging slightly open since the word 'kiss'.

Fionna took a moment before resuming with, "I just don't understand what you're trying to do!"

Ice queen blinked, then life came back to her face. "Oh, for a moment I wasn't sure which part of that was the 'not fair' part."

"The what?"

"The part where I won't explain the game, or the part where I started chasing Marshall instead of you," she chimed, snickering softly.

"AAAAGGH!" Fionna reared back, both hands raising the sword up. As she brought it down, the queen shoved Fionna's face to one side with her free hand, rolled out from under her, then spun around, kicking Fionna hard in the stomach before cartwheeling back to her feet.

Fionna was on all fours, sputtering for breath and nearly vomiting before struggling to her feet again. She’s so FAST, was all she could manage to think.

When she looked up, the queen had once again formed a gleaming ice blade, halos of sunset beams dancing and spinning in the air around it. A slightly exasperated but still bemused expression was on her face.

"Fionna, you're so incredibly dense. It's one of the things that keeps our lovely little game going, but it really gets annoying sometimes. I suppose I'll have to spell this out for you."

She ran her finger along the edge of the ice blade, opening up a cut when it reached the tip. "Look at me. I'm an old immortal queen. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants to love me. And for that, I'm a bitter old witch. But that doesn't mean I don't crave a little company now and again, right?"

She licked the purple blood from finger, closing her eyes and beginning to pace in a large circle. Fionna gripped her sword and matched her movements to the queen's, not taking her eyes off her.

"I needed to feel like I could be loved," Ice Queen continued, a bit sourly. "I needed to feel like someone out there would willingly kiss me and mean it. I wanted to feel some true compassion for a change! There's no hope for Ice Queen, with a reputation like hers. There's no love in that future. No way. But Marshall seemed so...alone. So vulnerable. So ripe and ready to feel the warmth of an embrace again. I decided to use his old relationship with Gumball as a stepping stone and hijack a few kisses out of him."

There was a retching sound from near the porch.

"I played all the right cards, pulled all the right strings. And Marshall gave me exactly what I wanted. I had him, long and hard. But something still didn't feel right."

"Of course it didn't feel right," came Marshall's disgusted voice. "Gumball doesn't have what you have down there...in your cold, dead heart!"

Ice Queen scowled at him and bared her ice prism, once again throwing him back with a hiss. "I mean I wasn't satisfied! It turns out that getting what I want isn't exactly what I want. The real fun of the game is finding out there's more to it. To find there's another chapter at the end of the book. True, Marshall gave me what I wanted, but he gave it to me all too easily. All I had to was know which levers to pull. What fun is a game when you already know whether you'll win or lose?"

Fionna hesitated, listening carefully while remaining poised for action.

The queen wasn't staring at Fionna anymore. Her eyes were unfocused. She was staring into empty space as she continued, feet carrying her automatically.

"What I really want are the the things I can't have. What I really want is for there to be no ending to the game, only another bonus level. I want to keep chasing shadows. That's the fun of it for me, Fionna. I'm obsessed with playing games."

She wasn't moving in a circle anymore. She was slowly advancing. Her piercing eyes were staring right through Fionna’s as she continued her monologue. "The only thing that drives these old bones anymore is obsession. Desire for more. Obsession and desire, the vehicle of passion, the life-affirming heat of pursuit. That's what Marshall couldn't give me. He wanted a 'happily ever after'. He wanted an ending. But it's so easy to get that. Where's the challenge? Where's the thrill? The passion?"

She stopped a few feet before Fionna and inhaled deeply. "...but you, Fionna. You are a challenge."

She oozed her way into a sparring stance, wicked smile once again stretching across her face. "I can never tell if you're serious about lopping my head clean off my shoulders. I've seen just how angry and vicious you can become. And I know our little game hasn't helped calm you down at all...".

“What is she waiting for?” Cake whispered furiously from her position beside the porch. “Why doesn’t she clock her upside the head already?”

Marshall grabbed her arm. “Shh. Let this play out first. She needs this...”.

Which one are you talking about? Cake thought surreptitiously.

Fionna noticed she'd been grinding her teeth again and consciously stopped. She didn't ease her grip on the sword, though. "You're a disgusting creep, Ice Queen...".

"You say that so often," the queen continued, shuffling forward a bit, looking more and more like a cat ready to pounce. "You say that I have no heart. That I only hunt down innocent princes to seal some unfillable hole in my unkillable soul, and that I can never truly be happy...but you're wrong."

Fionna brought her sword in close, ready to strike.

"I'm the Ice Queen. I'm nothing BUT a creature of passion. I haven't stopped chasing what I love since the game started. I feel alive whenever the game is going. I'd say my heart is on fire, but that's not very Ice Queenly, is it? My heart burns, yes, but it’s like...like the cold icy burn of winter's deathbite...yeah, that’s more like it. I have my motivation. I have my drive. My obsession. And that obsession, that PASSION...is presently focused on you.”

Fionna's body shuddered slightly as she exhaled. I knew it. I knew it was going to come down to this. She's...actually in love with me.

What. The. PLOP.

Her muscles tightened. Her heels dug into the earth and she surged forward. An enraged yell flew from her mouth. Sword raised high, she launched into a powerful overhead arc. The blade came down, faltered, and tumbled end-over-end, landing at the queen's feet with a thump. Fionna's hands maintained momentum though, and completed their arc, stopping with a muffled thump of their own as her wrists banged against her crotch. She quickly looked down to see her wrists bound in ice.

She snapped her head up to see the queen launch another two bolts of ice in swirling coils around her body, freezing her in a thinly-bound lump of ice that encompassed all but her head.

On cue, Cake dashed out from the shadows, limbs bulking up and stretching out with each snarling step. Ice Queen deftly launched into a fluid, swaying motion, ice flowing from her fingertips as it formed a twisting, sprawling rollercoaster ride of loops and curves all around the immediate vicinity. Cake slid forward, uncontrollably riding atop the slick curves. She hissed at the queen, trying to extend her fist into a punch, but her body was being thrown around too violently to maintain a stable transformation. Her fist might be impaled by the ubiquitous icicles on the undersides of the ice track if she tried.

With Cake momentarily indisposed, Ice Queen refocused her attention on her victim. "And now, to prove my point..." she said, playing with the tuft of hair dangling at the front of Fionna's forehead. "Look at yourself right now. I have you in my icy grip, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

She trailed a stinging, cold finger along Fionna's already nearly numb cheek as she sidled around behind her. "I've won the battle. I have you all to myself. I can quite literally do anything I see fit to my little prisoner."

Fionna felt her skin crawling. Not exactly in a disgusted way, but in an excited way. Her skin itched. No, it boiled. She could feel the burning, bubbling heat welling up from the depths of her stomach, surging up beneath her breast and into her heart, right up her throat and into her cheeks, which were now flaming red. She wasn't sure what emotion this was anymore. It was deeper than anger, and it burned like embarrassment. It was infuriatingly difficult for her to describe. She felt the queen glide behind her, her face slowly coming into view from the other side as she continued to speak.

"Look at you, Fionna. You're frozen on the outside, but boiling on the inside. There's nothing you can do to stop me."

Fionna felt the queen's cold breath against her face as she whispered, "I've got you in the palm of my hand...". She shivered as the queen's cold tongue slithered gently up her earlobe.

Something definitely stirred inside her, bringing her body to a full boil.

"But, as I've said," Ice Queen continued, much louder now, swinging back around to face Fionna head-on. "Where's the fun if you can't even struggle? What challenge is there if I've got all the cards? Where's the danger? Where's the passion? No, this isn't what I want. It's too easy. I'd much rather you were in face than under my thumb."

"This battle is over. I've clearly won," she announced, hands gesturing to the scene around them. "I certainly expect you to do better next time, my darling...I think I'll leave you to thaw on your own. Let me just leave you with this, as a parting gift...".

Taking her face in her hands, Ice Queen pulled in close and kissed Fionna, slowly and deeply. This wasn't like Fionna's dream at all. No funny business, no wriggling tongues, no pumping cold air down her throat. This was a soft, honest-to-Grod kiss. Fionna swore she could feel herself floating inside her ice tomb, whole body buzzing and cold-burning.

When at last the queen released her and took a step back, she asked in a smooth, silken voice, "Well...how did you like it, my dear?"

Chin quivering, Fionna clenched her fists and responded the only way she knew how. She leaned her head back as far as it would go, then angrily spit on Ice Queen's face.

Her familiar grin resurfaced as she licked the offending saliva from her cheek. "That's what I love about you, Fionna. Always so eloquent. You know exactly the right words to say to get my blood boiling. But it's time now I bid you farewell. Until we meet agyeaAAAGHK!"

The queen doubled over as the broad side of Marshall's axe bass slammed into her stomach. Marshall sat hunched on all fours at her feet, delicately stepping his way through the ever-lengthening shadows of the evening. He rose to a fuller height and hit her again, on the back this time. As she hit the ground, her tiara flew forward off her head and into the grass.

Fionna snapped out of her shock and tried flexing her way out of the ice prison. She found that she could move her limbs between her body and the walls of the ice, like they were floating in water. Makes sense, she thought. I've been boiling this thing alive with my feelings!

As she rocked from side to side, Cake meandered her way over to the scene, after finally reaching the end of the roller coaster. Ice Queen was gasping for air, breath coming out in heavy fog as she realized what was missing. She scrambled for the tiara, but Cake was first to set hands on it.

"Give it back!" the queen shrieked. "I NEED that!"

"No way, you freak!" Cake stretched herself upward on elongating legs, out of reach of the queen's flailing fingers. Marshall grabbed her snow white hair and yanked, hearing the old joints in her back crack and pop loudly as she bent backward. The queen frantically took hold of Cake's legs and pulled hard, toppling her to the ground. The tiara rolled out of her hands a short distance away.

Fionna had meanwhile rocked her tomb hard enough to bring it down on its side, where with one final shove, she was able to shatter it, shivering as the water gushed out all around her. She quickly pulled herself to her feet to join the fray.

In a fit of panic, Ice Queen rolled her way out from under her assailants, kicking them both away and focusing her attention on the tiara. Marshall landed in a heap in one of the few remaining pools of sunlight. He screamed and struggled to get to his feet as his skin burned and bubbled.

On cue, all of the girls jumped into a dive. Before Cake could snatch the tiara, she was knocked aside by Fionna, who had been diving instead for Marshall. She quickly scooped him into the nearest shadow as Ice Queen clutched her treasured headpiece tightly against her bosom. She stayed that way for a few moments, breathing hard before slowly rising back to her feet and replacing it on her head.

She turned to Fionna, face slowly melting from fear to a hint of that familiar grin. "...see what I mean? Always so eloquent...".

Without another word, she blasted off, riding atop a flurry of billowing snow. She half giggled, half cackled as she looked back over her shoulder, soaring off into the sky. Fionna glared up at her, waiting for her to disappear into the pillowed clouds before coming back down to earth.

"Why didn't you grab her crown, Fionna?!" Cake growled as she dusted herself off. "We coulda been done with her for good!"

"I had to save Marshall, Cake!" Fionna replied defensively. "...I didn't want anyone to die out here."

Marshall hissed as he curled up against a large rock. "I would've lived. You should've gone for the tiara."

Fionna crossed her arms and frowned. "You're welcome, by the way."

She turned to look back at Ice Queen's rollercoaster creation. It was already melting fast, despite the evening air being quite cool. None of the queen’s creations lasted long once she left the scene. Thoughts were screaming through her head faster than she could think them all, and the weird, burning feeling had never left. She wanted to hit something. She wanted to hit Ice Queen. But now she knew that was exactly what the queen wanted.

This is so messed up, she thought grimly.

The sun continued to drop out of sight. The world definitely felt like spring had finally come, now that it was already over. The snow had finally retreated back into the mountains, and there was a definite aura of love wafting through the air.

And all of it made Fionna's stomach turn.


	8. The Local Hotspot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, clearly, without any form of possible fallibility, what Fionna wants - no, NEEDS - is a bodyguard-slash-friend-slash-bouncer who also happens to be made of some chemical substance that does not sit well with a popsicle like Ice Queen...yeah, what a great plan!

A circuitous rut was clearly beginning to form on the wooden floor of the treehouse, but that didn’t stop Fionna from repeatedly treading it as she fumed, no thought left unsaid.

“This is really bad, dude. I have no idea what I need to do next. I have no attack plan.”

She cast her backpack into the corner of the room and continued her track. “Ice Queen has me up against a wall made of spikes with my hands tied to my ankles. I can’t do a globbing thing about it! No matter what attack I think of, she’s already got an answer for it! She’s just too good!”

Cake scratched behind her ear, trying to remain calm and rational about the situation. Seeing Fionna in such a huff wasn’t helping. “You sure you’ve thought of EVERYTHING?”

“Everything! I tried fighting her head-on, I tried ignoring her, I tried sneaking around, I tried looking for a weak spot...nothing works! It’s like she knows everything about me already! How can I beat that?”

Cake sat down and rubbed her chin. “Maybe you need to think about it from another angle, then. Stop thinkin’ ‘bout the things you can do to her. Maybe start by thinkin’ about the things she can do to you.”

Fionna whipped her head to stare at Cake as her feet carried on walking. “You want me to think about how she’s gonna ice me to my bed and then make out with me while I’m trying to sleep?”

“Fionna, that’s nasty! How’d a precious angel-butt like you think up such a puke-bucket idea like THAT?”

There was a snort along with the reply. “That fridge-witch. She did something like that in this dream I had. She probably even made me dream it. Creeper.”

Cake made a face. “Well what I was TRYIN’ to say was maybe you need to find out what Ice Queen’s good at and bad at. Y’know, make a list of her strengths and weaknesses.”

“That sounds like something Prince Gumbutt would do,” Fionna said dismissively. “He’d try to be all smart about it, try and math the queen to death. Cram that. Doesn’t work for me. Not enough swords in that equation.”

“Hmph,” Cake crossed her arms and slouched, deep in thought. She was very displeased by this whole mess, to put it mildly. She just knew the queen was up to something, playing this romance game. Despite her speech about being passion and the thrill of the game, Cake knew better than anyone that Ice Queen was manipulative and unstable. She had to have some kind of ulterior motive. She just had to. If only they could crack her code and figure out what it was, though...

“What if I had a friend?”

“What?” The sheer simplicity of the question caught Cake completely off-guard.

“A friend,” Fionna continued, wrapped up in thought but still pacing slowly. “Someone who could beat her up if she tried to make a move on me. A bodyguard...?”

Cake smacked her lips. “...aren’t we usually s’posed to be the bodyguards, though?”

“Yeah...” came the voice, still processing a chain of thoughts. “...but this would be somebody who Ice Queen couldn’t do much damage to. Somebody who can’t get frozen.”

The thought seemed to stop there. Cake leaned in and prompted, “...somebody...made of fire?”

“...yeah. Yeah!” Fionna’s eyes lit up. “Do we know any fire guys that would help us? Like a lava demon? Or a bonfire god? No, wait...isn’t there like a whole Fire Kingdom out there?”

“The Fire Kingdom?” Cake asked. “You seriously thinkin’ about tryin’ to find a bodyguard in the Fire Kingdom? That place is s’posed to be crazy dangerous, girl...”.

“Yeah, I know,” Fionna said excitedly. “But what better way to gack up the queen than by hanging out with fire people all the time? If she got too close to us, she’d melt! We could keep her hands outta my pants AND make some new friends! It’s perfect!”

Cake furrowed her lip and thought about it for a minute. “Well, it SOUNDS like a good idea, but how do we know it’s gonna work?”

“What are you talking about, ya crazy cat?” Fionna had stopped pacing and started using exuberant hand motions while talking. “I just told you how the plan works. There’s NO WAY that creeper can get around it! It’s perfect!”

“Well...” came the response, checking the plan for possible leaks. “You gotta point there. If she's goin' up against fire, there's not much SHE can do. But how are WE gonna survive?"

"The ice? It's not so bad, I mean, once you've had snow down your undies, you kinda get used-"

"I mean the fire, Fi."

"Oh. Right."

"What if we’re beatin’ on Queenie and our Fire Kingdom buddy accidentally lobs a hot stinker at us? There's not much you can do to stop a fireball...".

Fionna chewed on her lip, mulling this over. She looked around the room for a spark of inspiration. Fire burned or melted most things, didn't it? Wood, plastic, metal, gold coins, leaves, ice, hair, clothes...

"Do we have any like...reversing mirrors, or dragon scales, or...or anything with a Flame Shield spell on it?"

Cake snapped her fingers and scurried over to a mound of treasure in the corner of the living room. "I think we do have somethin' like that. From that one time we freed those weird little mantis guys from the science hawks!"

She dove into a pile of trinkets, tossing out goblets and necklaces and small elephant statues, coming back up for air once or twice before re-emerging with a small mahogany box in hand. "Ha! Found em!"

She presented the box triumphantly to Fionna, popping the top open to reveal two pairs of ornate sunglasses.

"We had special shades in our hoard?" Fionna asked, somewhat startled.

"Yeah girl! I'd almost forgotten 'til you said Flame Shield!" She held up a pair for examination. The lenses were dark with a vague maroon tint, and small runes decorated the rims. She tried a pair on for size.

"Whoa, you look rad, Cake!" Fionna flashed her a thumbs-up.

Cake placed a hand on her hip and one behind her head, then struck a pose. "Ya think?"

"Dang," Fionna said, clapping. "You got major style, miss Gritty Kitty!"

"Aw yeah!" Cake exclaimed, tossing the other pair to Fionna. "These things should give us full protection from any nasty burns!"

Fionna put on her pair and drew her sword. "I feel so...I feel like my butt just got ten times badder with these on!"

"I know, right?" Cake raised her hand for a high-five.

"Alright Cake, it's adventure time!" Fionna completed the high five sequence and cartwheeled out the front door, followed closely by her sister hero.

With the shades on, Fionna felt more confident than she had in quite some time. They didn’t just make her look cool, she actually felt empowered by wearing them. They were part of a plan that wasn’t going to freeze up this time. She was very glad Cake had found them. 

She was glad for a lot of things Cake had done for her, actually. She never failed to bring Fionna out of a slump. There was a good reason they'd lived together all these years. Cake had always been there to listen, to enable her, to get her into trouble and back out again. She could be a real mom from time to time, scolding and worrying and insisting, but more than anything, she was like a sister. An older sister who allowed her younger sister grow on her own, but who wouldn't hesitate to back that sister up if she needed it.

The bond they shared was a tight, unbreakable one, and Fionna treasured it. Even if she didn’t blurt it out loud.

Following the rough instructions on their decaying map, the girls plodded along in no particular hurry, at least for now. They decided they'd need energy to stay safe (and possibly stay cool) once they got inside the Fire Kingdom. Speaking of which...

"Hey Fionna, what do we even know about the Fire Kingdom?"

Fionna frowned, but didn't stop walking. "Not much, really. PG said they have a queen, but no king. He also said nobody really ever travels to or from its gates."

"Wonder why?" Cake asked. "I mean sure, candy people would melt and all, but why don't people come out either? Is it a secret kingdom or something?"

"Nah, can't be. I can see the smoke in the air from here."

"I MEAN, why are they all so antisocial? Don't Fire Kingdom peeps ever go on vacations? Are they all slaves? Or like, soldiers, or assassins or somethin'?"

Fionna shrugged.

"Guess we really just don't know much, do we?"

"Nope," Fionna concluded. "We'll just have to see what we can learn about ‘em, I guess!"

Before too long they reached the base of the kingdom's surrounding mountains. Here, two very tall and very naked fire golems stood unblinking and slightly slouched in front of a porous, rocky gate, probably made of cooled lava rocks. The golems themselves were smooth and stony, like baked clay. Small halos of flames hovered over their heads.

She looked up to the nearest golem. It very slowly turned its stony face to stare lifelessly down at her. They remained locked on each other for a few minutes, then Fionna finally turned back to Cake, who simply shrugged.

Facing the golem on the right, she suddenly announced, "Hey fire dudes, I come in peace!"

The golem slowly tilted its head forward and spoke in a deep, but oddly melodious rumble of a voice. "Peace or piece?" it asked.

"...um, peace?" Fionna responded, arms behind her back. "I think?"

"You are a peaceful person by nature, then?" The golem's eyes sparked as it stood more to attention. "Or merely a small piece of an impending army bent on announcing your own doomed conquest?"

Fionna blew a raspberry. "Nah bro, we're peaceful. We're not gonna put your flames out or nothing."

The golem blinked very slowly. "Yes, you wouldn't," it said, somewhat mysteriously. "If you are peaceful, then this is no place for you. Pivot one-eighty and retreat."

"Haa?" Fionna stood there a moment, staring back at the burning lump of rock-person. She scratched her arm, then asked, head tilted, "So...I can't just go into the Fire Kingdom?"

The other golem leaned down and spoke in a more gruff, metal drill kind of voice. "Peaceful patrons do not survive in our kingdom, even despite their neat eyewear."

Cake ran her finger over the rims of her shades. "Uhhhh-huh. And what if we just...say, force our way right through those doors?"

A pause. Both golems swiveled their heads in unison toward Cake. "...you wouldn't."

"Wanna try us?" Cake taunted, growing a few sizes and baring her teeth for effect.

She held her posture for all of the ten-second silence before the first golem spoke again. "...so you are NOT peaceful, then?"

Fionna groaned. "Dude, seriously. What do we have to say to get you to let us through?"

"You need only tell us that you are here to--"

"Wait."

The second golem took center stage. Fionna could swear the corners of its mouths were turning up slightly. "You've gotta say 'cronker donkus eyeball boogers'."

Fionna smacked her lips. "Is that the password?"

The golems exchanged glances. The first one rolled its eyes, sighing. "Yeah. Password."

Fionna turned to Cake, who nodded. "Okay," she said, rolling up her sleeves. She added jazzy hand motions as she and Cake repeated the phrase in uneven unison. "Cronker donkus eyeball boogers!"

There was a muffled snort from the second golem, a tiny curl of smoke rising from the smooth spot where a nose should have been. The first sighed and turned to the gate, lifting it from the bottom with bare hands. "You just love messing with the newbies, don't you?"

The second golem, stretched up against the wall of the mesh-like gates. "Whatever. Nobody ever even comes out here anymore. I get lonely and bored, you understand. Don't you?"

"Yes, of course. Even though I’m right here, you get lonely and bored and don’t talk to me for months at a time."

“Because you are so mundane, yes.”

“Grunt.”

The gate was raised to full height. Thick, scorching air billowed out onto the girls' faces and clouded their nostrils. Coughing, they slowly surveyed the Fire Kingdom. It was quite a gruesome sight to behold. Sludgy, molten lava crept along the ground, gnawing at the ankles of tall, top-heavy stalagmites. The sky was blackened out by thick columns of volcanic smoke, black on the outside, but pulsing with hints of reds and purples and yellows on the inside. The constant roar of crashing, burning rocks shook the earth, rumbling right up their leg bones into their stomachs.

Dead in the center of the rather compact kingdom was a spiny mass of smoking stone that resembled a castle. Well, it had pillars and a magma moat and a drawbridge. But the rest just looked like a melted, matted mess with spires of rock jutting out. It looked like someone had microwaved a spike mace and decided to turn it into a mansion.

"Where is everybody?" Cake asked, head swiveling around to see in all directions as the gate slammed closed behind them. “It’s like a fire-crackin’ ghost town around here.”

Fionna tugged on the straps of her backpack, then pointed to the dome-like structure ahead. "I'm guessing that's where most of 'em go."

A grin curled up at the ends of Cake's mouth as she walked on. "So you mean...that's the local HOTSPOT?"

"Cake...bluhh. If you weren't my soul-sister, I swear I'd knock you out for that one!"

"Sorry," Cake replied with a shrug. "Except I'm not."

"Whatever." Fionna leaped to and from stalagmites, moving very quickly to avoid her shoes melting and sticking to each one. She lighted on a narrow foot path carved into the rock, careful not to make contact with any of the surrounding magma. "Come on, we should get this over with while these shades are working."

Cake raised an eyebrow, then casually stretched her way across the steaming lava in one wide stride, stopping at Fionna's side. They stared at each other for a moment, then Fionna flicked Cake's ear and walked on.

“So what’s the plan?” Cake asked.

“Plan? What do you mean?”

“Well think about it, booger. How are we gonna introduce ourselves? What are we gonna say?”

Fionna shrugged and wiped her nose with a finger. “I dunno, I was just gonna ask to see if there was like...a Fire Prince or Princess we could hang with, maybe invite ‘em back to the treehouse for some games or something. Y’know, make friends.”

“Bring ‘em back home? Are you nuts!? They’d burn the place to the ground!”

“Oh...yeah, I guess they would, huh.”

Cake grabbed her wrist and brought her down closer to eye level. “Are you even listening? How do you expect to make this work if you don’t think it through?”

“But things usually just work out for me!” Fionna replied. “Even if it doesn’t sound like they will, they usually turn out fine! Just relax and let the details take care of themselves, Cake. It’ll be fine. I can handle anything that comes up.”

“What, just go with the flow?”

“Yeah.” She pulled Cake’s tense fingers from her wrist. “I got this. I’m a sword-slingin’ adventurer, remember? What’s the worst that could happen?”

Cake grimaced at the thought of what could happen, but remained silent. She nodded and the two of them strode up to lowered drawbridge. Two fire people in pointy helmets were idly tossing lava rocks at the gas bubbles forming in the moat. They looked up and stood to attention when they realized they had company.

“Wha...who are you two?” one asked nervously.

Fionna stepped forward. “I’m Fionna, that’s Cake. We’re here to make some friends. Sup?”

“Friends?” The guards looked at each other. “The golems let you in here...to make friends with us?”

“...yes?” Fionna puckered her lips.

The first guard scratched his head, a sizzle of smoke rising up as he did, then responded, “...so you’re not trying to stamp us out, you don’t even challenge us, but you wanna be friends? With US?”

An awkward silence hung for a moment.

“This...this is kinda out of my league here. I think maybe we should push ‘em into the moat. What do you think, Jill?”

Fionna’s jaw dropped slightly and she reached a hand into her backpack, clutching the handle of the sword inside.

“Eh...it’s no fun just shoving someone into a moat if they’re not here to fight. That’d be like punching a duck. Over way too quick.”

Her grip on the sword relaxed a bit, but she didn’t let go.

“Aww, come on. I’m so bored, nothing ever happens here!”

“...why don’t we hand her over to the Queen?”

Fionna subconsciously winced at the word ‘queen’.

“What, you mean...she’ll be tested?”

“Yeah! Better than a boring old lava death, right?”

“Okay, yeah! Totally!”

With that, both guards stepped to the sides of the castle mouth, gesturing with an arm to the inside. “Please, go right inside. The Queen’s chamber is straight ahead, you can’t miss it.”

Fionna looked down to Cake, who pushed the glasses up on her nose and nodded. She took a deep breath of stagnant, coal-smelling air and strode confidently through the arch into the castle as the door again sealed up behind them.

“Umm, Cake?”

“What?”

“I can’t see anything.”

“Me neither.”

“Should we take off the shades?”

“Sure, if ya wanna die!”

“Okay, so I guess we just walk forward til we hit something then?”

“Fionna, that’s dumb! This whole adventure is dumb! Why are we even here if we can’t see anyth-oh...hang on, what do we have here?”

A vague orange light was beginning to fill the room. It seemed to be emanating from the floor. After a few seconds, their eyes began to adjust and they could see the room in somewhat more coherent detail. For starters, everything was black. The walls, the ceiling, the floor, the spiky rock formations jutting out and up and down, all solid jet black. Glowing orange veins of dying-ember light branched out along the floor and walls. They reminded Fionna of the heating coils inside the kitchen stove at home. As the veins continued to grow brighter, they were accompanied by very deep, breathy noise. Almost like the castle was...alive?

“Oh, looks like that’s where we wanna be,” Fionna said, pointing down the slanted corridor before them. It looked like a road leading straight into the heart of the hellish Nightosphere. “See, there’s more light coming from down there.”

Cake shuddered. “Maybe that’s where YOU wanna be, I don’t like it here one bit.”

“Gonna stay here, scaredy cat?”

“Don’t you pull that card on me, girl! I ain’t afraid of this place! I just don’t like it.”

“Whatever, dude. I’m going!”

The two walked on, descending further and further into the heart of the tunnel until they reached what appeared to be a courtroom. Or maybe a throne room. The room was wide open, with stone tables along the walls and a raised platform with a throne where the flickering Flame Queen sat. The room was lit by a huge, glowing lamp far overhead. The tables were lined with flaming nobles and jesters, each with a plate of charcoal in front of them. They were all staring at Fionna and Cake as they stepped into the court.

The Queen leaned forward, eyeing them both from head to toe. "You two aren't on fire. What does that mean? Somebody tell me what that means!"

Hushed murmurs spread across the tables. Fionna again took center stage and spoke up. "It means we're not from here, your Majesty."

The room collectively gasped, everyone's fire momentarily burning brighter. "Foreigners?"

Fionna nodded, putting a hand to her chest. "My name's Fionna, this is-"

"What kind of foreigners? What is your kingdom of origin and rank?"

"Uhmm...".

The Queen rose to her feet, flames licking out from beneath her crusted gem crown. "What do you want? Why have you come all the way into my kingdom if you aren't fire people?"

Cake nudged Fionna forward, making scooting motions with her hands. Fionna nodded, swallowed and puffed out her chest.

"We're adventurers! We've come from the distant outside world in search of new allies! We have cracked the password of your fire golems, outsmarted your guards, defied your lava spikes, and stand before you now, requesting- no, DEMANDING- an opportunity to make allies and friends with all y'all!"

As a finishing move, she pulled the sword from her backpack, brandished it in a circle overhead, then struck it point-down into the ground, leaning on it like a cane and watching the queen with a smirk on her face.

The room stayed silent for a few moments, many of the nobles slowly turning to see what the Queen's reaction would be. She was glaring straight at Fionna, trying to burn a hole through her forehead with sheer willpower. She eventually cracked and spoke: "...adventurers? You mean like champions?"

"The championest."

At last a smile crossed the Queen's face. A knowing smile. A vicious smile...a familiar smile, Fionna thought, gritting her teeth.

"My darlings," Flame Queen suddenly began, "it would appear that we have ourselves two champions before us!"

There was scattered applause from the tables.

"Let us put their championship to a test!"

A louder round of applause.

"Bring it!" Fionna challenged.

With a snap of the Queen's fingers, the room illuminated much brighter and two flaming lions stepped into view from behind the throne. Their bodies didn’t just glow with fire, they appeared to be made of nothing BUT fire. They circled around into the center of the room, stopping on either side of the two newly-dubbed champions.

The queen clapped her hands together and returned to her seat. "Now...prove yourself by destroying these firelions. BEGIN!"

The lions crouched, then pounced. Both Fionna and Cake dropped to the floor as the lions flew right over their heads. Instead of hitting each other as expected, they sailed right through each other, landing again on opposite sides. The one nearest to Cake snarled at her.

Fionna rolled aside and made a wide slice with her sword. It passed right through the lion with no hesitation. The beast merely blinked and stared scornfully back before smacking her across the face with a fire paw. The blow stung, but thanks to the glasses, her face wasn’t singed.

“Wait, how do we hit these guys?” Fionna asked, drawing her designated opponent away toward the walls. “They’re made of fire!”

Cake ducked an oncoming swipe and attempted to smash her hammer-shaped hands into her opponent’s skull. They passed harmlessly through the creature’s fiery skin. “Don’t know, but we better think of somethin’ fast! I’m startin’ to feel the heat...we must be almost out of Flame Shield power!”

Grinding her teeth, Fionna jumped aside and danced her way around the lion’s attacks, thinking hard. How do you stop fire? There’s obviously no water around here. Or ice. Hmph, this would actually be a welcome invitation for the Ice Queen to just pop in right about now. Or even if I just had her tiara...

No. She shut her eyes for a moment, shaking away the image of the Queen. Don’t think about her right now. Save it for later. Put up a barrier, then maybe bury her.

Wait. Bury her.

“Cake! I have an idea! Get me up to the ceiling!”

Snaking and twisting her way beneath the lions, Cake reached out, picked up Fionna, then sent her quickly upward toward the brightly burning lamp in the ceiling. Shielding her eyes, Fionna could see a mess of sharp stalactites dangling from the roof around the lamp.

“Fi, you’d better not be leavin’ these puppies up to me!” Cake growled as the lions slashed at her legs.

“Nope, got a plan!” She jumped out of Cake’s hand, wrapping herself around the nearest stalactite and keeping her back to the lamp.

The Flame Shield spell was definitely wearing thin, as she could feel the heat from behind washing over her back. Better make this quick.

She plunged her sword hard into the rock and began wedging it loose, sparks flying from the crystal blade and landing on her stockings. “Cake! Target mode!”

On the floor below, Cake positioned herself directly beneath Fionna while somehow continuing to dodge the onslaught from the lions. “Ready!”

On cue, Fionna heaved with one final thrust, loosing a mass of rock about twice her size from the ceiling and sending it plummeting to the ground. Cake casually side-stepped as the rocks came crashing down on top of the lions, immediately extinguishing both in one swift motion.

“HA! Whatcha momma say now, suckas!” Fionna shouted as she dropped to the ground. She landed on all fours, tucked the sword back into her pack, then winced in pain as she picked herself up from the burning hot floor. The shield was definitely gone now. She blew on her hands to cool them down.

“The contest is FINISHED!” The Flame Queen announced excitedly. “The result is VICTORIOUS!”

A round of exuberant applause from the nobles filled the room. Both Fionna and Cake took deep bows and flashed thumbs-up to either side.

“And as promised by Royal Decree,” the Queen continued, “You are entitled to the prize I have so graciously been offering.”

The champions exchanged glances. “Prize?”

“Lower the lamp!”

A nearby soldier cranked a wheel on the wall that slowly brought the glowing lamp down from the ceiling. Fionna again shielded her eyes, squinting through her shades. Funny, she thought. The Flame Shield is dead, but the shades still have their uses.

As the lamp came closer to the floor, the light dimmed, bringing more transparency to its glass surface. When it at last came to rest on level ground, the light faded almost completely, giving everyone in the room clear access to see inside. Fionna’s mouth opened in surprise.

Standing in the center of the lamp was a stately young man in regal attire similar to the Flame Queen’s, a mohawk of fire burning bright atop his head. He looked around from inside the lamp excitedly, waving to several of the nobles. Was he the source of the light that had just gone out?

The soldier scaled the side of the lamp and removed the lid from its bottleneck top. The young man inside, presumably a prince, shot up in a fireball out of the opening and somersaulted to the ground before Fionna. He sharply rose to full height, dropped into a low bow, then back to full height. Fionna simply smiled and nodded in response.

“Champion Fionna, Champion Cake,” the Queen spoke, addressing both in the most regal voice she’d used in a long time, “You have bested my challenge. You are now free to take my son’s hand in marriage! Let the wedding preparations commence immediately!”

Fionna’s face crashed to the floor. “Wait, WHAT?!”


	9. Too Hot To Handle?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So...that Flame Prince sure is an interesting guy, isn't he? He's so innocent, so curious, and so...made of fire. That's gonna be a problem for things that get burned by things that are made of fire. Hmm...maybe this plan could've used more duct tape to hold it together...

“No, for serious. What?”

The Flame Queen blinked. “You shall marry my son and become princess of the Flame Kingdom. And he shall appropriately, by marriage law, become the prince of your kingdom, wherever it is.”

Fionna’s hands dropped to her sides as she slumped forward. “But...married? How do I even...why me?”

She was met with an agitated sigh. “I offered my son’s hand to any worthy champion. You challenged me by entering the kingdom. I put you in mortal peril. You came out victorious. Now, you will marry Flame Prince!”

The prince dipped into a bow that ended on bent knee. He raised his head to look up at Fionna with a warm smile.

Fionna’s mouth opened and shut a few times. She turned to Cake, who just shrugged. “I...I can’t get married...” she managed.

“Why not?” The Queen demanded. “Are you already spoken for? Have you a secret lover you’ve betrayed simply to satiate your lust for dangerous super action?”

“No, no, no, no!” Her hands waved frantically. “Dude...look. No. Stop. I can’t just...I don’t even know this guy yet! I’m not just gonna marry somebody I don’t even know! Who does that? That’s not even okay! I’m not marrying him!”

There was a pause as Fionna caught her breath, all the blank, slow-burning eyes of the nobles staring at her. Tiny crackling noises from their fiery hairpieces were the only sound to be heard as the words settled. Flame Prince was the first to break the silence with “...why won’t you marry me? Am I...unfit for you?”

Fionna looked down at him. His expression was one of confusion and concern, as though he couldn’t understand whether he should feel sad or contemptuous. “No, I don’t mean like...I’m not saying that to be mean or anything, dude. It’s just...I don’t, uh...I don’t hardly even know you yet. I can’t be all marrying dudes I haven’t even hung out with!”

“Oh...” the prince mused. He looked to floor for a moment, fingers twitching slightly as he ran some mental calculations. After a moment, his face popped up again like an egg timer, saying “Then perhaps we should take a stroll around the kingdom. I’ll show you what this kingdom is all about! Perhaps you might change your mind after I’ve shown you the land?”

“Uhmm...that’s not quite what I...I mean...” the words faded into a babble as her inner voice took over. Wait a minute now. Think. What if you just play along, act like he’s your husband? Make him happy, until he agrees to do something for you. You could say you’re going on a vacation, then take him out to the Ice Kingdom...yeah! That could work!

“Is that not what adventurers do, Fionna?”

“What?”

Flame Prince trailed his hand through the air as he spoke. “Travel across kingdoms unexplored, unite with new friends, then re-explore old kingdoms under a new light?”

“Well...yeah, that about sums it up, I mean...” she could see she was getting pushed into this no matter what excuse she tried making. Best to just go with the flow, she decided. “Alright. Take your champion on a tour of the kingdom.”

Flame Prince rose to full height and smiled. “Wonderful. But...there are two champions, are there not?”

“Mhmm,” Cake said, stepping forward.

“Oh. Right,” Fionna said turning to face her. “Almost forgot you were even there, Cake.”

“Oh, sure. Ignore the other champion, cause it’s just all about you, isn’t it?”

“What? No! Not like that, girl. Don’t give me that lip!”

Cake chuckled and pinched Fionna’s elbow. “HA! I’m just messin’ with ya, girl. Anyhoopla, I’d love to join you kids, but without a Flame Shield, my paws are gettin’ a little too well-done from walkin’ on all these lava rocks. I tell you what, Fi, you and Flame Prince go have yourselves a wonderful honeymoon-”

“-Cake what-”

“-while I run back home and get phase two set up and rollin’!”

Fionna’s cheeks burned red, though the intense heat of the atmosphere masked it well. “Cake, what kind of crackersnap nonsense are you jivin’?! I’m not going to...with Flame Prince...just NO!”

A toasty paw tapped against her nose. “Simmer down, ya baby, it’s not like that. I just got other plans. Brilliant plans. You’ll see.”

“Cake,” Fionna whispered, pulling her close, “Are you sure you don’t wanna stick around? You always wanna stick around to make sure I don’t get hurt.”

“Fionna, we talked about this. I know you can handle yourself, you’re a big girl. I’m givin’ you a little breathin’ room so you can take care of this little adventure in your own way. Isn’t that what you want?”

She responded with a smile and a quick hug. “Thanks, Cake. I’ll make you proud, don’t worry!”

Cake brushed her off. “Yeah, yeah, I love you too, too much mushy stuff! Just remember, though. If things start hopping a train to southern butts-town, you just holler and you can bet yours I will be there.” The last four words were spoken with the grinding force of a chisel on a tombstone. Fionna swallowed and nodded.

With that, Cake held up two fingers, addressing the room with a quick “Peaces, y’all!” before sauntering her way back out through the corridor on elongated legs.

And the moment Fionna turned around, there was the Flame Prince, burning hot hand closing slowly around her wrist. Ow. Ow. OW. “Shall we depart, my Champion?” he asked, eyes alive and flickering.

Ow. Ow. Ow. “Yep, lead the way!”

She squirmed loose from his grasp and gestured to the corridor. He bowed lightly and swooped right out the door. Fionna tagged along at a close distance, rubbing her wrist gingerly. This was going to be harder than she had thought. She needed a quick solution...something to at least guard her wrists in case he did that again. Something non-restrictive. A wristband, or a gauntlet.

Thinking quickly, she tore thick strips from both of her stockings and bound them around either wrist. That wasn’t going to hold long, but at least it would offer a smidgen of protection, right?

Just outside the palace gates, the guards stood to stiff attention in the presence of the prince. “Yes, my people,” he said with regal flair. “Stand to attention and take note of my bride and Champion Adventurer, Fionna!”

He motioned to Fionna, who was just stepping back into the muggy, putrid air of the Fire Kingdom. She knew she couldn’t have looked further from a bride at this point. Craters of burn marks decorated her shirt and skirt. Ash fluttered out of her tangled hair any time she ran her scorched fingers through it. She smelled like burnt weenies, but that was probably considered very appealing and attractive around these parts. She coughed out a tiny cloud of smoke and put on the most willing smile she could muster.

The guards side-eyed her for a brief moment before returning to attention. Flame Prince frowned. “What’s wrong, guards? Don’t you like her?”

The left guard shrugged. “Maybe if she were a little more on fire and had more of a barbecue musk, she’d be the boss's sauce...uh, I mean, she’s fine! She’s fine!”

A fiery eyebrow raised on the prince’s face. “I had hoped you’d say that.”

“Y-yerse,” the guard stammered.

Stepping closer, the prince held the guard under his gaze for a few moments, scrutinizing and judging silently. Fionna shifted her weight uncomfortably, then gulped and grabbed him by the wrist. Ow. “Come along, my prince! This world of yours isn’t gonna show itself!”

The burn dissipated from his eyes as Flame Prince turned to face her. “Of course, yes! Onward, shall we?”

He in turn took hold of her wrist, burning quickly through the stocking bracelet, and leapt out onto a stalagmite jutting up out of the sea of magma. His shoe sank right into the stalagmite, became a part of it as he lighted, then separated again as he leapt to the next one.

Thoughts kept shifting through Fionna’s mind as they hopped from rock to rock. She had no idea what Flame Prince was planning to do with a simple tour of the kingdom, but whatever it was, it couldn’t take too long. After all, there was an ulterior mission to be adhered to, and the sooner it got underway, the better. 

“So, my Champion,” the prince said as they ascended the spires of rock up the side of the cliff-faced borders of the kingdom, “Tell me about your kingdom. Tell me about the whole of the outside world.”

“The whole world?”

“Certainly! Now that you’ve proven outsiders are able to enter the kingdom and survive, it must mean the rest of the world has made some impressive advances in the last hundred years!”

“Wha...did you say hundred years? How old are you, again?”

The prince paused and turned to her, releasing her wrist. “Fionna, you seem confused. How much do you actually know about the Fire Kingdom?”

Fionna looked down at her shoes. “Uhmmm...”.

Flame Prince sighed. “Perhaps I should familiarize you with my people first, so that you understand why it’s so important to me.” He sat down, legs crossed. “I’ll tell you all that I know from reading the Heritage Books. Sit.”

“I’d, uh...rather stand,” Fionna said, brushing her hands over the back of her skirt. “These rocks are really hot, and I don’t wanna toast my buns if ya know what I mean.”

His expression went blank for a moment, then he shrugged. “Now, then...”.

“It has been an easy hundred years since the last recorded time a Fire Citizen set flaming foot outside our borders. We’ve stayed tucked up in these lava-locked mountains, all to ourselves, quietly burning our contained bonfires until the day we could once again walk freely among the otherworlders.”

Fionna crossed her arms and rocked on her feet in an effort to keep them from melting to the rock. “So...you guys were banished here, or what? Why can’t you ever come out?”

“In the oldest times, we used to live and walk wherever we pleased. The Inmost Ancestors wanted to scatter us across the entire land, so that lost, lampless flames left to wander might never be too far from their own kindred kind. If only it had been as simple as that...".

A lava bubble popped loudly beneath them, an ungodly stench of acid and ashes filling the air. Flame Prince wasn't fased.

"We are an inherently dangerous people, Fionna. We are creatures of consumption who need fuel to continue the slow burn of our lives. And as you probably know, fire spreads quickly on a world made to burn."

"The further our people spread out, the more fire we brought to distant lands. Every new civilization met us with a new resistance. They denied us the right to settle in their lands. Oh, not because they hated who we were, but because we could do nothing but raze the earth and turn their lives to ashes."

Fionna swallowed, listening closely now.

"Eventually, driven away to a corner of the land, we rediscovered this place of volcanoes and fiery rivers. A warm place where we would not be turned away. A land without homes to burn or bones to melt. Our first home and eternal utopia! We have been living here for perhaps a century now, through a full Royal Age. We have been waiting for the day the world will again be ready for us. The day we can walk across the land without fear of scorching its earth. We have been waiting for the world out there to come and find us in here, to tell us they are at last ready for our flaming footsteps. A world altogether immune to dangerous flames, in which we all can walk and talk without fear of causing harm. A day we can call the entire land home."

A pause hovered between the two of them. Fionna rubbed her arm, feeling like she should say something. "That's...that's really intense, man."

Flame Prince nodded and stared off into the distant thundering smoke clouds across the lava bed. “That is why my mother held the invisible contest. To see if outsiders could enter, stand up to fire, and take a husband back into the outside world. I am thrilled by the chance to finally leave this kingdom, Fionna...you could never know!”

“Yeah, well...” she started, fishing for the right words. “That’s...there’s for defs sure a lot of really neat stuff I can show you in the outside world...but uh...let’s keep it strictly adventure, okay? No romancey stuff?”

“No romance?” The prince asked, slightly disappointed. “But...is not romance a vital part of marriage? You will at least let me hold your hand, won’t you?”

Fionna’s hand immediately clutched her burnt wrist. “But...that still hurts.”

Flame Prince rose to his feet, head slightly tilted. “You never said so before. I thought you had a defense against fire. I thought that was why you came.”

“Well, I...I had a Flame Shield spell from these cool-dude glasses, but it’s kind of worn-”

“Isn’t that sufficient, then?” The prince asked, hopefully. “You can use a Flame Shield to protect yourself when you are weakest, right? Can a little pain not be endured for the sake of our marriage?”

“Hey,” Fionna said, taking a step back. “Listen, dude. I like you and all, you seem pretty spice. I want us to be friends, but marriage is like...come on. It’s way too soon. You gotta understand that about me. I don’t just marry people whatever-whenever. If you really wanna be my husband, you gotta learn better about me, okay?”

The prince again looked down, deep in thought. His lips moved as he ran through a cycle of thoughts. After a moment he emerged with “...am I getting too close? Too soon?”

“Too close? You mean like, in my personal bubble close?”

"What I mean is...".

He stepped into her personal bubble and gently took her wrist, burning a little brighter than before. His hand quickly burnt through the makeshift armband. Ow. Ow. Ow.

“Listen carefully to this, fair Fionna,” he said gravely. “I am as unto a candle. My body is hot wax, my touch is living fire. Too close to me and your hairs will singe, your skin will char. But too far away, and your heart may freeze.”

He stepped back, releasing her. She pulled her hand close, rubbing the burnt skin and hissing through clenched teeth. She wanted to lash out, but restrained herself. Her gut instinct told her that the Prince wasn’t trying to hurt her, but the crispy smell of cooked flesh was telling her otherwise. She wondered if he was being genuine, or if he had some ulterior motive behind that innocent-looking face.

No, stop thinking like that. This isn’t Ice Queen you’re dealing with. She’d definitely have a motive, but this is different. Gotta be open and friendly with this guy. Gotta trust him a little bit. Don’t let my heart freeze, like he said. Keep it warm and melty.

She looked up at him and managed to smile, hand not leaving her wrist, even though it hurt to touch. “...alright, then. I’ll remember what you just said. For right now, don’t get too close, and I’ll make sure I don’t get too far. Okay?”

Flame Prince returned the smile, then looked skyward. “And now it appears night has fallen.”

Fionna looked up at the billowing towers of smoke blotting out any semblance of sky. “...how can you tell?”

“We should both probably get some sleep...” he continued, ignoring that. “...but before we do...there’s one thing I want to do.”

He took a step closer. Fionna instinctively activated her defense mode.

“Fionna, will you step outside the border with me?”

“...wha?”

“Just for a moment. I want to see the world beyond the volcanoes and acid rain. Just a peek. I want to see if I am as dangerous as the Heritage Books said of the ancestors.”

“Oh.” She let it hang for a moment before shrugging and pulling her hat into place. “Yeah, sure, why not?”

“Excellent!” the prince said happily, leaping his way up the staggered cliffside. Fionna scrambled after him, not wanting him to get too far out of sight. Minutes later they were both standing on the edge, looking out over the grassy hills below. The thick smoke layer overhead blocked out most of the moonlight, but the glow from the lava behind them managed to light up several patches and pockets of grass.

“Well...” Fionna started, doing her best to present the rather dull scene, “...it’s kind of hard to see right now, but yeah. Them’s the plains.”

The prince’s eyes were wide with wonder. “Vegetation? It was literally this close to the kingdom this entire time?”

He floated down in a gentle fireball to the ground to get a closer look, followed closely by Fionna. She found it more difficult to descend than to ascend; the burn around her wrist was getting very sensitive, and climbing hurt. She switched to one-handed climbing the rest of the way down.

The prince was kneeling in a small pool of scorched, black grass when she reached him. He seemed to be examining the immediate flora, trying to touch it with his hand. A nearby daisy blew up in flames, and he frowned, disappointed.

"This vegetation is unlike anything I've seen..." he said. "But it burns before I can truly see it. How do you do hold it without destroying it?"

Fionna reached out and plucked one herself. "You just hold it like a newborn kitten. See?"

Flame Prince brought his face closer to her outstretched palm, gazing intently. The proximity of his face stung against her still-tender wrist as it radiated the familiar glowing warmth of a midnight bonfire. She did her best to ignore it and pushed her hand microns closer to his face. He recoiled quickly when the daisy spontaneously combusted.

"I don't understand," he said after a moment. "This isn't right. Why are you able to enter my kingdom unharmed while I remain unable to enter yours harmless?"

He held out a hand, the grass beneath almost visibly bending away from the intense heat. "Are you certain this world is ready for me?"

"Well, I'M certainly not ready for you," said a familiar voice.

Fionna's head snapped up. "Ugh, not you!"

A cackling white-rimmed silhouette stepped forward from behind a twisted tree and into the low firelight of the scene. Ice Queen tossed her hair behind her and looked Flame Prince up and down. "So...is this the hot boyfriend I've been hearing about?"

There was a pause as Fionna pulled her hat back, picked her ear and trained forward. "Hearing about? Who...how? I only just met him to--BOYFRIEND?"

"Yes, I got an anonymous tip earlier today," she replied, one hand on her hip. "Word among the herd, so to speak."

Fionna raised a brow. "Herd?"

Before Ice Queen could make a remark about Fionna's dull responses, Flame Prince stepped forward. "A pleasure to meet you, milady. I am the Flame Prince."

"Yes, charmed," the Queen said in a disinterested tone as she began rolling up the sleeves on her dress. "I wish we were meeting under better conditions, though. The heat out here is just destroying my skin."

"What are you talking about, Queenie?" Fionna asked, noting that this was the first time she'd ever seen the Queen's bare arms before. They were thinner than the sleeves made them appear. "It's pretty normal out here tonight...".

"Says the girl who just stepped out of nature's biggest oven," the queen muttered as she flapped the neckline. "Ugh, this just will not do for me."

Fionna leaned in closer to the circle. "Are you...are you sweating out here?"

Ice Queen snorted and pushed stray strands of hair into place. "Silly tomboy. Ice Queens don't sweat...they melt."

“Why are you melting though? We’re not even inside the Fire Kingdom!”

“It’s not...the kingdom,” Ice Queen said, slightly hunched forward and panting now. “It’s...this hottie over here!”

“...me?” Flame Prince asked, drawing back a step.

Even under stress, the queen found it in her to grin suggestively, adding “Yes, my darling. You’re making me so unbearably hot tonight...you’re melting me. All this moisture is going to ruin my fancy undergarments. Fionna, tell your boyfriend to stop getting me all wet.”

“Ew,” Fionna said, miming sickness. “And he’s not my boyfriend.”

“That’s correct,” noted Flame Prince. “We’re married!”

“Shut up!” Fionna said, elbowing him. Ow.

“What?” Ice Queen asked, faux-dramatically. “And you didn’t invite ME to the wedding? Fionna, how could you?”

“It’s not...that isn’t what we’re...rrgh,” Fionna stammered, tugging on the ears of her hat. “What are you even doing here, Freezerburn?”

Ice Queen sighed loudly, face dropping into a frown. “I wanted to meet this mysterious boyfriend of yours, so I could judge and hassle him.”

Fionna’s fist clenched.

“And from my first impression...all this heat he’s putting out...all this potential energy...he’s dangerous...really hot...really dangerous...ugh, I can’t even breathe now...”. She dropped to one knee and stared up at Fionna, blowing errant hair out of her face.

Fionna returned the stare as a sly smile slowly took shape across her face. The queen’s chest was visibly heaving, and small beads of sweat or melted ice or whatever they were dribbled their way down her face, falling from her chin. Her staggered breath came out in sighing puffs of steam. The plan was working like a charm.

She wasn’t backing down, though. “You’re entering into...a bad relationship here...Fionna...he’s much too hot...for you to handle...”.

“What, you think I can’t handle him?” Fionna said with a smirk. “I know how to play with fire. I’m a big girl!”

To prove her point, she put her bad arm around Flame Prince. Ow. Ow. OW. OW.

“Fionna, STOP THAT!” The queen commanded, struggling to her feet. “You’re hurting yourself!”

“And what do you care if I hurt myself?!” she yelled, stomping as she moved closer. “If Flame Prince wasn’t here, YOU’D just be the one hurting me!”

“That’s different, Fionna! I know how to control myself! HE doesn’t! You could get yourself killed staying with him!”

“You’re such a liar! You’ve tried to kill me hundreds of times, Ice Queen!”

“I WOULDN’T KILL A PERSON I LOVED, WOULD I?!”

Silence hung for a moment. The prince shrank further back, watching in equal parts fascination and terror.

The stillness broke when Fionna spun around on her heel and kicked the queen hard in the stomach. She doubled over and collapsed to the ground, coughing and wheezing to regain her already limited breath.

“I told you to knock off that goopy love junk, you hag,” she growled through her teeth. “You better just back the fridge up before I crush your skull.”

After another short bout of coughing, Ice Queen raised her head, face twisted into an enraged snarl. “Why? Am I just...not good enough...for you? What is this...this Flame Prince...going to give you...that I can’t?”

Fionna drew her sword and pointed it menacingly at her face.

“...AS A FRIEND,” the queen added sourly.

Fionna took a moment before answering, enunciating slowly and very clearly, “I came out here to make a new friend. I met this boy who’d never been outside his own kingdom. He wanted to taste freedom so badly it probably hurt. He’s the kind of friend I wanted to make. Someone I could make life better for. And frankly, Ice Queen, I don’t want his first impression of the outside world to be a nasty, creepy witch like you.”

In response, Flame Prince idly kicked at the charred ground, waiting patiently for the scene to end.

“So...that’s it, then?” the queen rasped. “No room for interpretation, no second thoughts? Fine. Have it your way, you spoiled little child. Go and get your fingers burned.”

She pushed herself up to her feet and straightened her hair. “But I hope for your sake you understand what it is you’re doing here. With Flame Prince at large, things are going to be rough. And I’m not just talking about the inevitable troubles you’ll find in your marriage. It’s a bigger thing than you may realize.”

Fionna brandished her sword overhead, standing silent and proud in spite of her flesh burns screaming in pain.

Ice Queen maintained her stare for a few more seconds, then shifted her eyes away. “I’m out of here. Another five minutes and my popsicles will be melted to the sticks.” She turned to leave, calling over her shoulder, “I’ll see you again soon enough, Fionna. This marriage isn’t going to last long, you’ll see...”.

She coughed a few times, turning it into a breathy cackle as she flew off on a cool evening breeze. The heat must be draining her powers, Fionna mused.

Ow. She returned the sword to her backpack and gingerly ran her better hand along the burn marks. Ow. Ow. Maybe I should stop touching it? Ow. She turned to Flame Prince, who was looking back at her absently.

“I’m sorry you had to meet her, dude,” she said remorsefully. “Not everybody out here is bat-spit cray-cray like that.”

“Oh, I hope not,” Flame Prince replied. “It would be terrible if everyone in the outside world shared the same personality.”

“What? Oh...yeah, I guess.”

He stepped in closer. “Fionna, thank you for sharing in my first taste of the outside world. You may never know how important this was to me.”

She shrugged, still trying to soothe the burns. “It’s no big deal, dude. You deserve to see the world, and I think I make a kick-butt guide.”

“I think so too,” he said, smiling. “Speaking of which, I think we should turn in for the night. If you care to spend the night here with your new husband, there is a spare lava pool in the castle...”.

“Oh...that’s, um...that’s nice and all, but I don’t really wanna die, so...I’ll pass.”

The prince brushed it off with a hand motion. “It’s entirely up to you. Just promise you’ll meet me here again in the early morning, alright?”

“Right here? Yeah, I can do that.”

“Most radical. Good night to you then, Fionna. We shall begin our marvelous world tour at dawn.” He leapt back up to the topmost rim of the Fire Kingdom border. “Sweetest dreams.”

Fionna waved back, then clutched her arm. Even something as simple as waving hurt now. This wasn’t going to be an easy fix...but the results were worth it.

She readjusted her backpack and struck out for home, but she hadn’t gone more than five minutes before a bush rustled beside her. The sword was out in a glinting flash, pointed inches from the nose of...a small, stumpy cat named Cake.

“...what are you doing here, Cake?”

Cake pushed the sword aside and stretched an arm up around Fionna’s shoulder. “Waitin’ for you, of course! I wanna hear all about what happened tonight!”

“You wanna hear...ALL of it?”

“Yes ma’am! ...ESPECIALLY the part when that stupid Snowblower showed up!” she added with a naughty grin.

“What...you knew she was here?”

“Who do you think told her to come find you?”

Fionna almost fell on her bottom. “Are you serious? What the stump, girl?!”

Cake shrugged it off. “Pretty good way to test the plan, don’t ya think?”

Fionna grunted and returned the sword to her backpack.

“Now,” Cake said as they walked into the emerging moonlight, away from the smoky skies and pungent acid smells of the Fire Kingdom. "Tell me everything...".


	10. A Few More Scars Only Make You Look Tougher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's probably not a good idea to lie to a literal hot-headed prince. It's probably an even worse idea to hold hands with him. It might even be the worst idea to play tour guide and take him on a trip to visit some of the most friendly (and flammable) kingdoms in the entire Land. Of course it's dumb. Obviously. Fionna sure knows that. But it's gonna be so worth it when they get to the Ice Kingdom, isn't it...?

The air was clean and new, the sky was peacefully polka-dotted by harmless clouds, and yet Fionna couldn't stop pacing uncomfortably beneath a shady, if wilting, willow tree.

She knew she shouldn't be nervous like this. There was really no reason for her to be. She'd done things like this a hundred times before. Nothing particularly scary about it, except maybe the fact that she was doing it with Flame Prince. She wondered aloud if that was indeed the case.

"Well maybe," Cake replied, scratching behind her ear. "Y'know, it sounds like you're not too sure what to think of the guy anyway."

"Eh, he's probably fine," said Fionna, shrugging it off. "A little dangerous, but nothing too intense, I don't think. Not out of my league, anyway."

Cake answered with a snort. "Yeah well, if he's anythin' like what you told me he is, I say he sounds like more trouble than it's worth to ya...".

"Nope," Fionna responded firmly. "I need this plan to work, Cake. I need to become really good friends with this dude and take him to the Ice Kingdom so we can put that stupid snowboob to rest for good!"

"I still think it's kind of a stink bomb of a plan, booger."

"What? Why?"

Cake sighed and sidled up beside her. "I know I said I'd trust you to handle things better, baby, but I really think this plan's just fulla nasty holes."

"Come on MOM, be real with me. I can handle this. I'm a master hole-plugger, you know that!"

Cake crossed her arms and glared disapprovingly. "Fi, don't use that word with me. You know how it gets me ten kinds of upset!"

"What, hole-plugger?"

"No, I'm talkin' bout the word 'mom'! I got mommy issues, remember?"

Fionna threw her hands in the air and turned around, blowing a raspberry. "You and your mommy issues...she's MY problem now."

"Ignorin' that comment," Cake said, sharp teeth grinding. "I just don't think you're really lookin' at the big picture here. There's a whole mess of potential problems with this your little scheme, girl. I mean, think. If he burns the grass wherever he walks, what's gonna happen if you take him to, say, the Candy Kingdom? He'd prob'ly melt the royal palace!"

"We're not going to the Candy Kingdom though," Fionna replied, back still turned and foot tapping impatiently. "We're going straight for the Queen's thumpin' heart!"

"And that's another thing!" Cake carried on, ignoring Fionna's remarks. "You're takin' him straight the Ice Kingdom! What if his fire just goes right out! I was up there last night, girl, remember? It was pretty glob-be-darned COLD up there!"

"We're going in the daytime, though. Seriously, mom, knock it off! I can handle this!"

"Fionna! What'd I just tell you about that word?" She stretched herself up nose-to-nose with Fionna. "You know what, never mind. I shouldn't even be talkin' to you, I should take some action around here! This idea is dumb and you have no idea if it even works! I'm shuttin' this fat mess down, right now!"

She was met with a bonk and a shove. "No! You shut that yaptrap of yours! I know I can handle this. You really gotta trust me!"

"Don't you smack me like that!" Cake growled. "I'm doin' this for your own good, girl!"

"But you're acting just like your mom!"

"Well someone's gotta be responsible around here! And it sure as heck ain't you right now!"

"What do you mean I'm not responsible?!" Fionna shouted, throwing her hands in the air and pacing as she spoke. "I've just liberated a prince from captivity and made a new friend! I'm gonna show him all around the world for the first time, AND launch a preemptive strike on my mortal enemy, AND take care of her whole bizarro romance crush business all in one big kerplop! I'm doing it all by myself and that's TOTALLY being responsible!"

"Fionna, don't raise your voice at me like that!" Cake growled, raising her voice at Fionna like that. "I know a bad idea when I see one! My tail's frizzin' just THINKIN' about everything that's gonna go wrong with your stupid plan, and you KNOW how right my tail is! You gotta show some respect, girl!"

"Respect MY tail!" Fionna snapped, bending at the waist and slapping her bottom.

"FIONNA!"

"WHAT? WHAT, MOM?"

Cake's face was screwed tightly into a furry ball of anger. "...Fionna, if this is the way you're gonna treat me, maybe I should just stop helpin' you altogether."

Fionna turned away, arms crossed. "Why don't you, then? I'm a big girl now. I can fight my own battles. What are you even doing to help lately, anyway?"

"You little..." Cake hissed. "I've done plenty to help you. You couldn't have beat those fire lions without me! I even helped you prove your butt-fart theory about Ice Queen and Flame Prince!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Remember how Ice Queen showed up outta the blue last night?"

"Yeah, you told her to come. You were her 'word among the herd' nonsense or whatever."

"That's right," she responded, spitting on the ground. "I risked my butt out in the Ice Kingdom to go up and see her, told her some garbage story about how you hated her so much you went to find a boyfriend, and sure enough, she took the bait!"

"Yeah, so? Hey wait...that means she already knows my secret! You brought her right to me and spilled my beans before they were even done cooking! Cake, you stupid butt stick!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

Fionna ripped her hat off by the ears and cast it to the ground. "YOU'RE the reason she found out about my secret plan! YOU gave it all away! Where's my hat trick now? I just lost the secret part of my secret weapon! Let's just hope to highest Grod she doesn't figure out how to use Flame Shield or something now!"

"Oh, well look at Miss Smarty Farts over here! She’s okay not even knowin’ if her own plan’s gonna work, but it’s the end of the world if there’s A CHANCE her enemy knows about it! Talk about strategic brilliance! What a mastermind we’re puttin’ our trust in over here!”

"Cake, I told you," Fionna said through gritted teeth, "It's not about strategy with me! I just roll with it and make it work! There's not always time to plan for everything, don't you get that?"

Sighing heavily, Cake stretched herself back up to eye level. "All that's totally beside the point anyway, Fionna. Right now I'm tryin' to make you understand that this is never gonna work! Ya got too many puzzle pieces bouncin' around in your brain with no way to put 'em all together! You're gonna hurt yourself and prob'ly some other people too if you don't stop, drop and roll this plan right outta your head, okay? This guy’s obviously dangerous. I'm just tryin' to help!"

"Well you can stop it," Fionna replied bitterly, snatching her hat from the ground. "I've already got Ice Queen all over my butt as it is, and I don't need your dumb theory-testing baloney getting her any closer to it! Why don't you just go plop off?"

Cake remained silent for a moment. She was angry enough that her ears may as well have been steaming like teapots.

"Go hang out with your boyfriend or something," Fionna added grimly. "Let me handle this...MY WAY."

Their eyes locked in a brief staredown, neither blinking nor backing away. Cake broke first. "Tch, you are such a wrench, Fionna. Fine. I ain't helpin' you on this one. No more. You and your hot flippin' husband can just burn down the whole globbin' country, for all I care! I’m goin’ home."

She stormed off a ways, before calling back over her shoulder. "And I'm eatin' the chocolate cake I was savin' for you, by the way!"

"You turd!"

Cake turned away sharply, raised her tail and blew a raspberry. "Butts to you, burpface!"

"I hope you barf clam guts!"

By that point though, Cake was already out of range. Fionna pushed her hat angrily back into place, whipper herself around to walk away, then abruptly stopped face to face with Flame Prince.

Her grumpy face imploded into a forced smile, her cheeks remaining flushed. "Dude, when did you get here?"

"Oh, moments ago," he said, brushing the thin coat of ash and dust off his shoulders. "I followed the sound of raised voices...”.

“Oh.”

“So then! Is my champion wife showing me around the entire land today?" He seemed not to notice or care about the feud that had just gone down.

"What...oh, yeah. For totes sure, dude.” She pushed the hair from her face. “We're going on a special mission to the Ice Kingdom!"

"Ice...Kingdom?" he asked, flickering eyebrow raising slowly. "Isn't that my elemental opposite?"

"Yeah, of course!" she responded faux-cheerfully. "It's gonna be rad, trust me. We can go snatch a penguin or something!"

Maybe even invite it to a barbecue after... she added mentally. Wait, no. Ew. Why did I just think that?

Flame Prince considered this for a moment. “...and you’re certain that’s the best locale for me to visit on my first day in this, the 'New World', as it were?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Hmm...”. He rubbed his chin, looking skyward. “Very well, you know the curves of the land far better than I do. I’ll trust your judgment and such. But you’ll stop and show me every sight along the way, won’t you?”

“Huh, why?”

“Come now, Fionna,” said Flame Prince, crossing his arms. “I’ve explained more than once now that I want to see THE WORLD. Not merely a corner of it, not merely a suggestion of it on a map, nor a painting, nor a folk legend. I want to EXPERIENCE the world, in its glorious entirety. I want to see and touch. I want to make it MINE!”

“Wait, are you trying to SEE the world, or CONQUER it?”

“It’s an expression, silly!” he teased, batting a paw like Cake might have. “I just want to see the world for what it has become. I want to see if it’s like the world the ancient tomes talked about.”

“Oh...um, yeah,” Fionna said, shifting her weight. “We should probably keep it brief though...we don’t want you to go burning up stuff like a madman or anything.”

The prince snorted, steam rising from his nostrils. “Rude. I’ll have you know it’s no fault of my own if this grass crackles and crumbles beneath my feet.”

He stepped back on his heel, twisting his ankle back and forth as the grass lit up and charred black beneath it. “Someone should really cast that Flame Shield spell on the grass if they want it to remain unburned.”

Fionna smacked her lips and put a fist to her forehead. “FP, I don’t think that’s how stuff works...”.

The prince raised her chin with his index finger. Ow. “I know what you must be thinking. But this isn’t a dumb idea. It’s just difficult to understand. I can see it plainly in your face.”

He pulled away and turned to look back at the harsh, smoky skies of his homeland. “You tell me that this world still isn’t ready for me, the same as said my furthest ancestors. I can see though, that it is really YOU who is not ready for me.”

Fionna raised an eyebrow and leaned against the tree trunk, arms crossed.

“You explained in no uncertain terms to me that you aren’t ready to be married. You aren’t ready for the responsibility of princessship. I can accept this. But, though your opinion carries a certain weight, you are not the world. The world’s opinion isn’t contained within your own tunnel-vision view of total readiness. I think you’d be wise to consider that perhaps, yes, the world IS ready for me, with or without you. Preferably with, of course, so that I may have a guide and such, haha, but that is quite beside the point.”

She waited a minute before cocking her head and asking, “So you’re basically going to explore the world with or without me but it’ll be better with me cause then I can maybe stop you from burning stuff up like the awesome kick-butt hero I am?”

The prince paused, running the sentence through his head and adding the missing punctuation to calculate its meaning. “...yes. Yes, that sums it quite nicely.”

“Fine,” she said, blowing the hair out of her face. “But we’re going to the Ice Kingdom. Today, and no later.”

“Acceptable,” he nodded, holding out an elbow. “Shall we, then?”

Fionna stared at his fiery, almost-glowing skin. Why did it have to be fire skin? Should I just deal with it? I probably should...just to be polite. Don’t want him to suddenly not like me. That’s not the plan.

She gulped and put her arm in his. Ow. Ow. Ow. And with that, they began their journey towards the glistening distant pillars of the Ice Kingdom.

This is totally going to turn out fine, right? She thought, trying to ignore the smell of cooking flesh. Ow. I mean...all I have to do is stop him from burning the whole country down. Ow. Wait, wasn’t that what Cake was trying to...bleh, shut up. No. Cake isn’t here. Ow. I got this. I can handle this. Ow. My plan is defs gonna work. Just gotta calm my wits and get it taken care of!

…right?

Before too long, they found themselves looking downhill over a small open field. Beyond that, further toward the horizon, rose a narrow strip of lively forest, precursor to the Ice Kingdom’s dominant mountains.

The field presently before them was dotted with dilapidated makeshift tents and hollowed tree stumps. A rusty iron barrel sat in the center, around which were gathered a cluster of hunchbacked near-humans in tattered trenchcoats. They were murmuring to themselves and to each other. One with a particularly bushy beard was talking into a greenish glass bottle like it was a telephone.

“Aw poopsicles, I didn’t know the Hobo Kingdom was squatting here...” Fionna said distastefully. “These guys are harmless, but they kinda reek and are always asking for free food and junk.”

“Oh? Well, reek or otherwise, if they’re harmless, I should like to meet them!”

“Ugh, you gotta be kidding,” she said, sticking her fingers in her nose. “They’re gross like rotten teddy bear meat.”

“Whatever,” the prince said, holding up a hand. “I’m going to greet them!”

Fionna reached out to grab his wrist, but missed and ended up with nothing but singed fingers. Ow. She ground her teeth and pressed after him.

“Greetings, vagrants!” He announced, arms wide open. “I am your Flame Prince, Emissary from the long-forgotten Fire Kingdom. It is a humble pleasure to meet you all!”

The murmuring ceased and evolved into a four-second silence before reaching final evolution as a raucous party conversation.

“Whoa mans, y’all gather!” said an older trenchcoat covered in wispy clumps of white hair. His face was covered by oversized plastic sunglasses and he wore tissue boxes on either shoulder. “There’s a fire in this trench, get yon and toast your digits!”

At his command, the rest of the hobos staggered their way across the field to form a rough circle around Flame Prince, each with their hands out. The scene reminded Fionna of an old movie she’d watched with Cake about zombies. This was the part where Flame Prince’s flesh would have been peeled off and cooked like bacon.

Instead, these zombies were warming their hands in the prince’s radiant warmth. “Oooh,” said one in a satisfied groan of a voice. She turned to her neighbor and insisted he do the same. He too made the satisfied groan. Soon another followed suit, and another, and another until the entire circle hummed with a gritty but harmonious collective “Oooohhhhhh”.

Fionna watched in fascination. This was going much differently than she had expected. The prince wasn’t rampaging and the hobos weren’t screaming, for one thing. Instead, they were all just gathered around him, marveling at the fact that he was alive, made of fire, and ON fire without suddenly not being alive because of it. His fire mingled with the almost visible scent of their stink, sometimes producing tiny, colorful sparks in the air as a result.

She smiled. It was actually quite beautiful, in a weird way.

“Hey, Fire Coat! Ya got thirsty? Need a swallow?” The nearest one held out his bottle, probably smiling beneath the enormous beard.

“Oh, thank you,” the prince said, holding up a hand. “But I can’t. I am fire, I can’t drink my own elemental weakness, you see.”

“Awh, but this will taste to you! Special. We named it fierywater!”

Uh oh.

“Well, I suppose if you’ve brewed it especially for fire folk...”.

“FP, wait!”

He took a sip. The bottle instantly caught fire and exploded in his hand. In surprise he shouted and tossed it away, where it landed beside a tent, subsequently lighting it on fire. The hobos stared in bewilderment.

Ever quick to react, Fionna leapt over to the tent and began stomping on the flames. Flame Prince groaned and doubled over in pain.

“Whoa...dude, you okay?” she asked.

“Ouch...my flames...” he said weakly. “Don’t do that.”

“...wha...?” She stomped lightly.

“Owww...stop that!”

She stepped away from the tent and let it burn. “...ummm...?”

The wind picked up, spreading a few cinders and burning flaps of tent. “So...I can’t put the fires out without you feeling like your guts are getting mushed?”

“Ugh...yes, that’s about the gist of it.”

Errant shreds of burning canvas fluttered throughout the Tent Kingdom on the ill-timed breezes, quickly setting the entire place ablaze. Fionna watched helplessly, fingers gripped tightly around the ears of her hat, pulling them below her chin.

“Hobo King...I’m really sorry about this. It’s pretty much my fault...”.

The supposed king adjusted his plastic sunglasses and sniffled. “It’s a thing of the luck. Happens like the wind, it just is. But it’s named fierywater, I see now. Got a whole different sky. Take good of your charbroiler man. Good chum full of fires, that is.”

“Um...you’re welcome. Or something. I guess.”

The king suppressed a belch and summoned his fellow trenchcoats, leading them into the forest and mumbling about seeking a new barrell. Fionna watched them disappear, a dejected expression pasted sloppily across her face. Flame Prince hovered his way beside her.

“My first encounter was...less than awesome, I take it?

“Ya think?” Fionna said, hanging her head and trudging on past the burning tents. She was fighting hard to repress her instinct to put the fires out. They probably wouldn't get too bad though. Most of them had already died down, incinerating only small circles of grass now.

Come on, Fionna. Buck the stuff up and pull yourself together. It was a necessary sacrifice. You'll be doing the world a whole load of good once you get to the Ice Kingdom and snub out that snob, so it all basically works out in the end, right?

She took a deep breath and puffed out her chest. "Oh well, that was just the tents of the Hobo Kingdom. They're all just a bunch of poo-brains. It was probably time for them to move to a new clearing, anyway. They'll live."

Flame Prince rubbed his chin, raised his hand to speak, paused, changed his mind, and nodded.

"Now, let's keep right on moving,” she continued, scoping the surrounding trees for the narrowest point they could pass through. “Think you can get through the forest without burning anything?"

"Nope," he said flatly.

"Floop," she muttered. "Well, we gotta go there anyway. Can't go around it or nothing, can we?"

"Oh, nonsense," he replied, perking up. "I could probably fly us right over that without issue!"

"You can? For legit sure?"

"Oh, absolutely! You see, fire when expulsed at high velocity creates thrust, which can be used--"

"Yeah, yeah. You're a human missile. Got it. Cool. But, uhm...". She hesitated.

"Yes?" he prompted.

"But if I'm holding on to you, it's gonna really hurt," she said, rubbing her arm. "Without Flame Shield, I'm like kindling to you."

The prince slumped forward a bit. "Without...do you mean you haven't been wearing your protection spell this entire time? Fionna, you absolute masochist...".

"Wha...no, I mean, I don't have any more Flame Shield. I totally and insurably do not have any more protection against touching you."

"So re-cast the spell, then."

"I can't, I'm no mage!"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Flame Prince scratched his head, sparks emanating from under his fingernail when he did. "Well, that's problematic then, isn't it? There's clearly no quicker or safer way through this forest."

Butts, she thought. He's right. Gotta either send him through a minefield of fire hazards, or take all the burn myself.

“Or, you know, I could fly above and you could walk below...wouldn’t that work as well?”

Fionna considered the idea. “...yeah, but you’d get across way before I did, and there’s no telling what might get burned if you’re just all over there by yourself. I gotta keep an eye on you at all times, ya know?”

Flame Prince frowned. “That’s not particularly trusting of you.”

“Do you WANT another Hobo Kingdom incident?”

“...I suppose not.”

“Then I gotta do this the painful way. It makes the most sense.”

Not really, she added mentally. This IS kind of a dumb plan, isn’t it? Glob it all, maybe Cake WAS right. Ugh. But what can I do about it now? I started this mess, and it’s gonna be ME who finishes it. I’m gonna get through this, get to the kingdom and dethrone the queen. Everything will be so much easier without her in the picture. I can deal with a little burning if it’s for the good of the whole country, right?

"Alright, let's get it done and over."

Flame Prince clapped his hands together. "Excellent. Let you show you my favorite way to see the world."

Fionna rubbed her arm, wincing at the tenderness. None of her burns over the past two days had healed at all. Her whole body had been telling her "No!" every time she made a move that would put her in contact with the prince. It was even doing so now. But, as always, once she had made up her mind to do something, she went into it full-boar, regardless of physical discomfort. Or critical pain. A few more scars would only make her look tougher, right?

Somehow that thought brought little comfort now.

She bit her lip and took a deep breath, wrapping her arms around Flame Prince's chest from behind. Ow. OW. OWWW! The entire front side of her body was screaming. "...go! Hurry!" she growled, tensing every muscle she could.

Flame Prince nodded and knelt to the ground, body burning hotter as he inhaled deeply. OWWW. He very suddenly leapt into air, his limbs stretching out into long streaks of flame beneath him as his soared higher and higher above the crowns of the trees. The rush of passing wind did little to soothe the stinging burns, though. Fionna sank her teeth further into her lip and fought back the tears, holding on tight as they flew farther and farther over the treetops.

Oh glob, her brain screamed. You have to let go NOW. This is too much! It's like hugging a bonfire! You're going to burn all your skin off! LET GO!

She grabbed tighter in an effort to fight the pain, but that only brought her closer to the searing heat of the Prince's burning body. Tears streamed down her cheeks unchecked. She tried the opposite, pulling herself from contact with him, but felt herself slipping away when she did. If she pulled away, she knew it would only be a matter of time before she fell, and at this height, there was no way that could end well.

But I can't hold on anymore! I don't have any protection. I have to let go! There's just no other choice!

She cried out in pain and released herself, falling right through the Prince's comet tail and down into the brittle net of branches beneath her.

SNAP. CRACK. CRUNCH.

Branches whipped and lashed and snapped at her body all the way down. Some of the more gnarled ones even pierced her like daggers. She didn't have time to compare whether this was any easier than being burned alive or not. Not that she could really focus on anything but the pain at the moment anyway...

The stabbing feelings came to a halt when she at last landed on her back on the forest floor in a clump of moss and mushrooms. She lay there for a few moments, paralyzed and trying hard not to cry as she stared up at the hole she'd made in the tree canopy above her.

Everything hurt. Everything burned. She tried to displace her thoughts, focus on something other than the sheer pain. Her mission. Her survival instincts. May as well take stock on myself, she thought grimly. See what the damage report looks like...

Tenderly, she tilted her head to look down at her body. Her entire front was a disaster zone. Her sleeves had been torn and shredded all the way up to the shoulder. Long slashes from the branches ran up her arms. The front of her shirt was scorched and full of gaping burn holes, exposing the scathed red skin beneath. Blood trickled from a open wounds. She'd lost a shoe. Her skirt was in tatters. She tried flexing her arms and legs. Sharp pain, but no apparent broken bones.

I can probably get up, she figured. It’ll really, REALLY suck but I can probably do it. Gotta find the prince...

Yeah, that's a good idea, Fionna, she scolded herself. Ignore your own pain to go find the person responsible for it to make sure they don't cause any MORE pain to anyone else. You're in shambles, but you gotta make sure you're still the hero here. You gotta protect everybody or something.

It’s just like dealing with Ice Queen, isn’t it? I gotta ignore the pain and go track her down, make sure she doesn’t jack up anyone else. I gotta be the protector. I gotta be the hero.

She wasn’t sure how she felt about this comparison, so she dismissed the idea. She had other things to attend to anyway...

She once again bit her lip and winced as she painfully rolled over and pushed herself up. Burning shot up from her knees, through her stomach, over her breasts and down through her arms to her fingertips. Her cheeks throbbed. She could taste blood in her mouth. Senses screaming, she slowly pushed herself to her feet, steadying herself against the trunk of a tree.

Her vision swam, all the greenery becoming one big swampy haze as she tried to blink it all away and regain focus. Using a trick she'd learned from the Arrowhead warriors in the jungle, she trained her eyes on one single tree, trying to separate it from the rest of the rippling madness. She told her panicking brain that if all she did was reach that tree, everything would be okay. Just take one step at a time...

And she did. Step by step, walking her way across the thickly vegetated forest bed. Eyes only on the tree, she repeated to herself. Never mind that your feet are on fire. Never mind that your body's on fire. Never mind that the tree is also on fire.

She stopped and stared. The tree was indeed, as her eyes told her, ablaze, burning slow and bright.

No, wait. That wasn't even a tree anymore. It was...moving toward her.

"Fionna...are you going to be alright?" it asked.

She smacked her lips a few times. The tree was coming into proper focus now. "...hyeh?" she coughed.

It made a move to come closer, then restrained itself. "Oh, you're an absolute wreck...I doubt we should have done that."

"...Flayn Prins?"

"Look at you," he said pitifully. "And you're trying to walk and everything. Please, stop. You'll hurt yourself! Worse, I mean."

Fionna stood there a few moments, swaying slightly from foot to foot. Finally, she shook her head and brought herself back to full consciousness. "We gotta get you...away from here or something," she mumbled. "Get you outta the forest...come on."

She staggered forward, body still burning with each step. "Come on."

"Fionna, don't! You're going to kill yourself!"

The prince made another move forward to grab her, but stopped short, knowing full well the consequences of touching her. He ground his teeth together, body glowing brighter with anger. "You have to stop yourself! I can’t touch you!"

"Can't," she replied robotically. "Gotta lead you outta here before you burn the whole place up...".

I’m useless, Flame Prince thought bitterly, hands balling into fists. She'll kill herself if she keeps going. She's too stubborn! Someone should be carrying her to the nearest medical facility instead...but I can't touch her without making it worse! She...she HAS to keep walking, then. She has to carry her own self to salvation...

Fionna continued plunging forward, not heeding his words at all. "Candy Kingdom's just outside here...and past that is Ice Kingdom. We're almost there, k?"

"Fionna, you are in no condition for further exploration today! You need to get to a hospital!"

She ignored him and continued forward, groaning as she ducked under a fallen tree.

"This Candy Kingdom..." said Flame Prince, pretending he didn't just set fire to a clump of tall weeds. "Let’s stop there, alright? Surely you are as unto a champion even to them. They'll help you, won't they?"

Fionna put a hand to her chest and coughed. OW. OW. She spit out the blood in her mouth and nodded. I guess he's right, she thought. I am jacked up like nobody's beeswax right now. I gotta get some help, or I won't be able to watch the Queen's fireworks show later. Butts.

At last they cleared the edge of the forest, a trail of razed greenery in their wake. The familiar and welcome sight of the Candy Kingdom's frosted gingerbread walls was in full view now, just beyond a stretch of empty grass field. Fionna breathed a sigh of relief and continued her trudge forward, working out in her mind what to tell Prince Gumball when she arrived.

Something was different, though. Something about the kingdom didn't look right. It was hard to tell at first if something was actually different or if it was just her eyes playing more tricks. It looked like there was a bunch of somethings gathered out in front of the gates. A bunch of someones, maybe. An army?

It WAS an army. Assembled ranks of peppermint soldiers, candy cane archers and cupcake barbarians stood defiantly in front of the gate, weapons drawn. A large, ornate cannon made from an ice cream cone stood poised behind them.

And standing at the forefront in glinting pink candy armor, cotton candy cape billowing behind him, stood Prince Gumball himself. His expression was bold and serious, as was the sharpened candy cane sword he held unsheathed.

Fionna stopped before the assembled ranks, then drew her sword. The artillery turned to her expectantly, only to watch her use it as a crutch. She looked at Gumball through questioning eyes, but his gaze remained fixated on Flame Prince.

The more hot-headed of the two princes stepped forward. “Are you the head of this kingdom?” he asked firmly.

Gumball nodded. “You must be the Flame Prince I’ve heard about.”

“My reputation precedes me already?”

“A tribe of Twiglets from the forest flew in and said you were smoking them out. By accident, likely, but burning up their homes nonetheless.”

Flame Prince frowned. “An unfortunate aspect of my being that I simply can’t help. But yes, I am the Flame Prince. You likely already know Fionna the Champion.”

“I do. Fionna, are you going to be alright?” his voice was unusually assertive. Fionna wondered briefly if it might be the Queen in there.

“I’ll live...prob’ly...” she said, weakly.

Flame Prince took another step forward. “Aren’t you going to help her?” he demanded.

Gumball remained still. “We will, in a few moments. There is, however, a more pressing matter to attend to here.”

“More pressing than the medical needs of my wife?” His eyebrows flickered into small flames.

Gumball took a step forward this time. “This isn’t the first time Fionna has shown up at the Kingdom gates in tatters like this. It happens quite often, in fact. She stumbles in hurt, tired and endangered, but victorious nonetheless. She is, as you have said, a true champion. But today, she has come here hurt, tired and endangered...but not victorious.”

Flame Prince began hovering above the grass without realizing. “What do you mean? We survived the trek here, though peril and misfortune set us back! We are both alive! And after facing such hardships, for her especially, you claim she is not victorious? Enlighten me as to why!”

“It's because this time, Fionna has come WITHOUT defeating her opposition,” Gumball replied testily. There was a subtle anger in his voice Fionna hadn’t heard before. “Rather, she has brought the opposition directly to my gate!”

Several seconds passed as Flame Prince wrestled mentally with this statement. Finally he looked up with glaring, red-hot eyes. “I am the problem?!”

“Yes. You are.” Gumball’s words settled in the air with what Fionna would have described as ‘an icy chill’, had that phrase not already been completely ruined for her.

An aura of bright orange light gleamed off Flame Prince’s skin. His hair jumped up another meter in height. “How am I the problem?! I've done nothing to you! And I've done nothing to Fionna! She has brought this on her own self!"

Gumball stood tall, eyes fixed on Flame Prince's. "I can't vouch for who is to blame over Fionna's present condition, but I can vouch for the danger you've put my kingdom in."

"What danger?!"

Eyes closed, Gumball inhaled deeply and raised his striped sword. "Long have the people of the Candy Kingdom been aware of the dual nature of fire. It burns and decimates, but also warms and illuminates. If left unchecked, it's sole function is to incinerate the life around it and leave naught but ashes...".

Flame Prince bit his lip as a thin wisp of steam rose from his eye. "...you need not remind me the fragility of this world, Prince. This world that obviously is still not ready...".

Hand still tightly gripped around the hilt of her sword, Fionna dropped to one knee. She didn't want to miss this scene, but her body was insistently sending her into shock, trying to forcibly put her out of consciousness. She licked her lips and ran a hand down her body, hoping the sudden pain of contact with an open wound would spur her to stay awake.

"You are wrong, Flame Prince," Gumball continued. "This world may be fragile to you, but this does not mean we are not ready."

The fire dropped down a bit. "...you mean your people can cast the Flame Shield spell?" he asked hopefully.

Gumball shook his head slowly. "The Flame Shield is only a temporary solution. It's only meant to see that you don’t get burned when dealing with a fire, and it disappears shortly after. If you expect to stay in this world, potentially bringing your particular brand of destruction upon us, then a Flame Shield will not be sufficient. Action must still be taken."

"...what kind of action?"

"You see, Flame Prince," Gumball said, turning his back to the fire, "There is a distinct difference between using fire to destroy...and using fire to bake."

He nodded to his general.

"RELEASE THE BATTER!" the general shouted as the enormous cannon was pointed directly toward Flame Prince.

There was just then a single moment in time that Fionna would later never forget. The aggregate look of terror and anger and dissent on Flame Prince's face. Gumball's solid, stern stare. The smell of hot brownies hanging in the thick, tense air.

Then, ear-splitting thunder.

Shot after shot rang out, echoing across the plains as Flame Prince was repeatedly blasted with massive, molten globs of chocolate cake batter. It piled up on top of him, imprisoning him beneath a delicious milky mountain. Fionna didn't even hear him cry out.

After the shots stopped firing, everything stood still. The echoing roar died off, and the even louder absence of sound took its place. Every frosted face in Gumball's ranks was staring at the mound of chocolate, completely entranced...

...because something about it was changing. The mound started growing crusty and thickening. Pores began to develop, expelling tiny blasts of heat, then they quickly disappeared. The bottom half began shedding crumbs as the top half swelled and ballooned upward. The swelling continued for several minutes, until the mound had well doubled in size, and then very abruptly, it stopped.

Fionna blinked. “...it’s a cupcake.”

Sure enough, there was a gigantic cupcake now occupying the spot where the Flame Prince had stood. The chocolate aroma in the air was now even thicker and stronger, and very warm. With one deep breath of the scent, Fionna lost all control and slumped over, out cold.

At that point, Gumball would have run over to assist her, but the cupcake seemed to be doing something rather important-looking. It was quivering, shaking more and more violently from side to side. A plume of fire shot out from the domed top. A fissure developed and ran its way up the sides, chocolate crumbs dancing down to the ground as the cupcake split in two and Flame Prince thrust his way out of the top.

He jumped forward and lighted on the ground before Prince Gumball, showering him with crumbs. Gumball stared back intently, sword still at the ready.

“So...that’s the way it has to be, then?” Flame Prince said, scathingly. “You can’t handle fire, so you have to imprison it?”

“If you intend to hang around,” Gumball replied levelly, “Then you need to know your limits. You need to understand where your hot-headed presence will and will not be tolerated. I can’t have you here, melting my entire kingdom, so if you get too close, I must not hesitate to put you under control.”

Flame Prince sneered. “So this land of freedom is still a land of oppression in the end? A world not fit for a proud Flame Prince? What a life this is turning out to be...”.

He glared over at the unconscious Fionna. “My wife has no interest in being my wife. She can’t even touch me without an enchantment. One that doesn’t even last but a short time. I’ve already lost everything I’d just been given!”

Gumball remained silent as Flame Prince turned and took a few steps away, leaving blackened footprints behind him.

“...so what business have I left here?”

He turned back to Gumball. “Very well. I’m leaving. Your kingdom shall not suffer under my natural flame any longer. I’m going away to a place where no one will care if things burn or melt. A new home. Tell my wi--tell Fionna that, when she awakens. Tell her I’ve gone to my new home.”

Gumball nodded solemnly.

With that, Flame Prince turned on his heel, knelt, and blasted himself into the sky, flying high above the incoming cloud cover until he vanished from sight.

The moment he was gone, the air returned to its normal summer-morning temperature with a rush. Gumball dropped his sword and ran over to Fionna. “Get her to the infirmary! Be especially careful, she’s got extreme burns all over her body, and there are many open wounds, big and small. Leave not one unstitched!”

As the pound cake nurses hoisted her onto the taffy stretcher, Gumball again looked skyward. A Flame Prince running loose in this world was nothing but an invitation to trouble. This confrontation may be over, but there would surely be more in the future...he sighed and followed his nurses into the gates.

We must always be ready for him then.


	11. I Need You, Fionna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Cake gleans a little backstory about Flame Prince from his mama, she, Fionna, and Prince Gumball meet up for a war strategy on how best to track the clearly-dangerous Flame Prince. Gumball has an idea, but he's pretty sure Fionna won't like it...

"Mmmh...so delicious..." said Ice Queen as she ran her sharp, freezing nails up the prince's exposed leg, moving in for another delicate kiss.

"Ice Queen, please," Gumball replied sheepishly. "Not in front of Fionna...".

"...who....WHAT....".

"Oh, that's right," Ice Queen purred, turning to face her. "I'd almost forgotten you were even here...".

"...what's going on....where even am I?"

"Daaaaarling." The queen stretched the word out in a dreamy, singsong way. "What are you talking about, you're right here!"

Prince Gumball reached up and pulled his robe open slowly as Fionna's own head peeked up and out from inside.

"...what the...I....".

"Don't act so surprised, little bunny..." said the Queen, hand on the girl’s cheek. "I've been waiting for this for so long...". She gently pressed her lips against Fionna's.

"...but if that's me....who am I...?"

To the left was a mirror, and staring back was Gumball. The muddled reflection looked concerned, beckoning, "Are you in there? Come on now...come on. You can do it...wake up."

The reflection slowly came into focus as the light became brighter and the edges of the world around became gradually sharper. The light hurt. Blink. No, it wasn't the light. The hurt was inside, behind the eyes.

Fionna groaned loudly. "Duuude, what happened?"

"You went and hurt yourself pretty badly," said Gumball, removing a wet towel from her forehead. "You've been asleep for a good two days."

She rubbed her eye and tried to sit up. Ow. OWW. She gave up and sank back down to the bed, clutching her ribs. "Man...I musta really racked up a new high score for injuries, huh?"

Gumball nodded, handing the towel to a wandering bon-bon nurse. "I'm frankly surprised you didn't sleep longer. Some people are out cold for even a week after an ordeal like yours...".

Taking a quick look around, she noted that she was lying in a rather comfy bed in a brightly-lit hospital room. Given that the frame of the bed was candy-cane striped, it was probably just a little bit safe to assume she was still in the Candy Kingdom.

"Gummy, please..." she said, cracking a half-smile. "I'm better than that. I'm a gruffin' tumbleweed! Take more than a few scrapes and burns to keep me--".

Wait. Burns...

"...what happened with Flame Prince? Did you...is he...?"

"Fionna, you need to rest," Gumball insisted, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I'll tell you all about it after you've had a chance to--".

"NO!" She forcibly sat up, gritting her teeth against the searing pain. "I gotta know what happened! He's my responsibility!"

"Fionna, stop!"

She glared back at him, throwing the blanket from her shoulders. "Dude. Tell me. Now!"

He turned away, putting a hand to his forehead. "Fionna...I swear, you are unequivocally the most stubborn creature I have ever known. Will you at least eat something first?"

Her ears perked up. She hadn't eaten since the morning before she'd left with Flame Prince. The insatiable beast in her belly roared to life. Maybe eating something wasn’t a bad idea...

"And will you at least keep yourself covered until we can find you some suitable clothes?"

"Huh?"

She looked down to see a distinct lack of clothing on her body. "Oh...sorry dude, all these burn marks must be grossing you out.”

The prince sighed. “Yes, Fionna. The burn marks are the reason I’m asking you to keep yourself covered. Yes. Now, if you’ll excuse me for just a moment, I’m going to have Peppermint Maid bring in some--”.

“WHERE IS SHE?!” A familiar voice echoed its way through the halls, accompanied by a scrabbling, clawing sound. The walls shook and crumbs fell from the ceiling as a gigantic, manic Cake crashed through the doorway, knocking the wafer doors from their hinges. She shrank down to her usual size as she dashed up beside the bed.

“Fionna, you’re finally awake!” she yelled.

“Yeah, I know!” Fionna yelled back.

Her cat hopped up on the pillow and wrapped her arms around and around and around again in a constricting hug. “Can’t believe I missed you wakin’ up! I’ve been sittin’ here for hours just waitin’ and waitin’, then I make one tiny trip to the litter box and of course you wake up while I’m gone, so then it looks like I’m late to the party!”

“Party?” she asked with a snort. “Some party...well, I guess I AM naked in a stranger’s bed and covered in burn--is that food I smell?”

A long cart stacked high with baked goods pushed its way through the unhinged doors and parked itself beside the bed. Peppermint Maid smiled and produced a set of silverware from the pockets of her apron. “Please, help yourself to as much as you care for, Fionna.”

Fionna’s eyes grew wide and her mouth slacked open as the tantalizing aroma of waffles and fresh fruit and frosted donuts and oven-warmed muffins wafted about and tickled her nose. She made no attempt to stop her hands from stacking her plate high, and even less of an attempt to keep her blanket on. Cake stared at the fresh scars running up and down her bare back and shuddered.

“Baby, I told you your idea was total butts,” she said, pulling the blanket back around to cover Fionna’s. “Now look at you. You’re all twelve levels of dinged up! I shoulda never let you go and do a thing like that with Flame Prince...”.

Fionna turned around, wincing. “Eh diwd whab eh hab to,” she said, small chunks of chewed waffle falling out of her mouth. She swallowed. “Besides, I’m still alive.”

“Yes, about this whole Flame Prince business,” Gumball began, crossing the room. “That’s something I did want to talk with you about. Preferably once you had recovered a bit more, but I suppose pressing matters call for pressing attention, right?”

“Mhmmf”, Fionna replied, already repopulating her plate.

“Gumball, don’t you have anythin’ better to do than fill my baby’s ear with your business reports?” Cake asked sternly. “She’s gotta heal first, and she ain’t goin’ nowhere ‘til she’s at least done that much! So why not just wait a little while before yackin’ it up about this mission you’ve got cookin’ in your noodle?”

Another princely sigh. “Cake, you said it yourself. The Flame Prince is a dangerous character. He needs to be be put under careful control, or he’ll likely end up destroying our world. Granted, no one seems to have seen him since he vanished at the scene two days ago.”

“Fo ee dibn’t gep cruffed by va bib cupcape?”

Gumball shook his head. “I didn’t foresee his flame being strong enough to burn through the batter we’d prepared. I expected it would bake him into a chocolate prison; at least one that would last long enough for us to devise a more permanent solution. Alas, he tore right through it like...well, like a hot knife through butter, to use an outdated metaphor.”

“And are you sayin’ you still want Fionna to chase after him?”

Gumball turned to the bed and put his hands out in helplessness. “I don’t have many options here, Cake. The Flame Prince is a very dire threat to our kingdom, our country...fudge, even our WORLD may be in jeopardy! Pardon my language.”

“I have to save the whole world now?” Fionna asked, bringing the milk jug away from her lips for a moment.

“You’re not savin’ no one, booger. Not until you feel rested.”

“Whatever, mom.”

Cake growled and raised a paw to smack her. She stopped herself short and laid on her side instead.

“Here is what I propose,” Gumball continued, steepling his fingers in that familiar way. “In order to track the Flame Prince’s movements, you’ll need to understand three basic principles about him: behavior, motives and footprints.”

Fionna nodded, cheeks stuffed to bursting with blueberry muffin.

“Simply put, you need to understand where he usually goes, where he wants to go, and where he’s already been. Now, behaviorally, Flame Prince has never seen the world, so there aren’t any ‘usual places’ we can check. The only places he knows are the places he’s been or the places he’s seen on a map. Assuming he hasn’t already incinerated the map, haha...”.

“Ha ha,” Cake echoed, rolling her eyes.

Gumball scratched behind his ear and continued. “As far as motive goes, we know that he is angry and confused. He is likely seeking a place of solitude. A place where he can sort out his thoughts in peace and quiet. It’s very well and possible that he’s gone home to the Fire Kingdom. He may also know of another place in the land similar to it, or a place where he can cause no major harm. A volcano or a desert, perhaps.”

Fionna burped loudly and nodded, sitting back on her palms.

“And finally, footprints. We identify where Flame Prince has already been, which, when combined with motive and behavior, gives us a fairly triangular indication of where to look. Fortunately for us, our missing person in question leaves pretty identifiable footprints. That is, a trail of ashes and devastation.”

After a moment’s pause, Cake responded with, “So basically we gotta go find him, and the best thing to do would be to ask people where they think he might be headed? I coulda told you that in like 10 seconds, Prince Verbosity.”

Gumball frowned at Cake, then quickly regained his regal composure. “Ahem. Be that what it will, you are correct. I can think of two good options for hunting him down now. First--".

"Gumball, you say that like it's a dead-sure thing Fio can even MOVE right now," Cake interrupted, rising to her feet. "She ain't goin' out on no mission quest! Not while I'M here to stop her, that is."

"Oh hush, mom," Fionna said testily, swatting Cake's oncoming paw. "Let him just talk."

Gumball tilted his head, waiting a moment before continuing. "I think the best course of action at this point is to infer his probable whereabouts from one of two sources. I don't think you'll like either option, though...".

"Bring it," Fionna said, yawning.

"Very well," he said, putting his hands behind his back. "The first and more preferable option would be to return to the Fire Kingdom and learn a bit more from the Flame Queen. Perhaps she knows her son’s personality well enough to predict his actions in this case. Or perhaps she's given him an open invitation to return to the kingdom. Whatever the case, she would seem to be a prime source of information to start with."

Cake blew a raspberry and brushed the thought away with her paw. "Them fire folks don't seem to be all that keen helpin’ us, as I recall. 'Sides, we don't even have any more Flame Shields. How would we even survive the Fire Kingdom without em, ‘specially given Fionna's condition?"

"Yes, I thought you might say that," Gumball sighed, hanging his head. "Which brings me to the worse option...". He gulped.

"Spit it out, Gumboob."

He frowned at that comment, then drew himself again to full height. "Alternately, you could track Flame Prince's movements through reverse psychology."

"Say wha?"

"Instead of asking someone who can follow Flame Prince, ask someone who'd be avoiding him. Someone able to predict his movements by knowing what signs to avoid. Someone to whom Flame Prince plays an essentially predatory or fatally dangerous counter-role. His elemental opposite, you could say."

Silence hung for a few moments. Fionna's face pinched into a sour frown. "...you CAN NOT be serious right now, PG."

"I told you you wouldn't like it."

"No. No FLOOPIN' way am I asking her! I REFUSE your offer good sir! That's all the crazy lady wrote, this is the end of the conversation. Nope. Goodbye."

"I'm only giving you an open option here. Nothing more."

"Well you can cram that option back in the butt you pulled it out of," Fionna replied, stabbing her fork into the mattress. "That's a TERRIBLE idea! Dude, seriously. The whole reason I even brought FP out of the Fire Kingdom in the first place was so I'd have a pal who'd KEEP HER AWAY! And now you're expecting me to JOIN UP with her to find him again?!"

"Fionna please, you need to calm down."

"No! Your idea is butts and a half! I feel like I gotta smack you for even suggesting it at all!"

He stepped back and took a deep breath. "If you can think of a more productive idea, then please let me know. In the meantime, I strongly recommend taking a little trip to the Fire Kingdom and having an important chat with the OTHER Queen."

There was another snort from Cake. "You're still ignorin' a crucial fact here. Fionna can't go anywhere. She's bed-ridden and home-stuck, and I ain't budgin’ on keepin’ her that way ‘til she heals!"

Fionna looked back over her shoulder and opened her mouth, only for Cake to clamp her paw over it before any regrettable words escaped. "I'm not sayin' this as your so-called Mom, Fi. I'm sayin' this as your SISTER!"

"No, no," Gumball admitted. "I'm not saying she needs to leave at all. I was actually thinking YOU could go, Cake."

"Me? What for?"

"Well, aren't you also considered a champion among the Fire Kingdom denizens?"

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess so," she said, scratching her chin. "I got a certain rapport with the royalty, I suppose. But I still don't have a Flame Shield. You got one, by chance?"

"Afraid not," Gumball lamented, sitting back in a gingerbread chair.

"Perhaps I can be of assistance?"

Entering the room with a petite flair, Peppermint Maid sidled up to the bed and smiled sweetly. She had always sort of creeped Fionna out. Something about that plaintive smile, that almost sparkling purity she carried...Fionna had sometimes wondered just what a girl like that did in her spare time.

Gumball look at her quizzically. "Peppermint Maid? You have something to share with us?"

She nodded. "I heard you were in need of a Flame Shield. I know how to cast that spell."

"Really," Fionna half-asked, half-stated. "How convenient and fortunate...".

"Indeed," the maid replied. "I've been imbued with limited white magic for quite some time now."

"You never told me this, Peppermint!" Gumball remarked, astonished.

"I've never had a need to until now, majesty," Peppermint replied. "Besides, I’d rather prefer to keep this knowledge a secret among trusted peers only...".

"Okay, cool," said Fionna as she again leaned forward to grab a remaining jelly donut from the cart. "So you know Flame Shield, and you can cast it on Cake so she can go talk to the Flame Queen and get this stupid Prince biz sorted out. That's about the guts of it, yeah?"

"Yes, that's about it..." Peppermint's voice trailed into "...but to cast it I'll need a small blood offering."

A stunned silence coated the room for a few seconds. "...blood?" asked Gumball.

"Oh, don't worry, it will be my own," Peppermint assured them, pulling up the puffy shoulder of her dress. "And it won't be too particularly much. Perhaps you can now understand why I prefer not to expose this little secret to just anyone...".

"Indeed," the prince nodded gravely.

I knew she was hiding something, Fionna thought as the maid stepped out of the room. That girl is nuclear crazy. Who ever heard of blood sacrifices in white magic, anyway?

"So we're all agreed, then?" Gumball asked the room at large. "Peppermint will cast the spell, Cake will visit the Fire Kingdom and Fionna will remain under Candy Kingdom care and put a shirt on."

She paused licking her fingers to slowly pull the blanket back up over her shoulders.

"Yeah, sounds about right," Cake concluded. "I'll go and clean up Fionna's mess like the globbin' MOM I am...".

She was met with a punch on the shoulder. "Hush. If I wasn't all crackerjacked right now, I'D be the one going and you know it."

"Whatever, Fi. Hey wait, where'd Peppermint go?"

"Yes, one moment," she replied from the hallway. She returned seconds later, carrying a small saucer of red and white swirled syrup and clutching her shoulder with her free hand.

She placed the saucer on the floor and produced a stick of red chalk from her apron, quickly drawing a circle filled with intricate linework. Her hands moved in deft, learned patterns, suggesting that she'd done this a few times before. Fionna watched through tired but scrutinous eyes as Peppermint placed the saucer in the center of the circle and performed the incantation.

With a sudden spark, several symbols appeared in fire from Peppermint's mouth and Cake took on a light blue aura. The room quickly faded back to it’s normal hospital brightness. "And that is that," Peppermint said with an air of accomplishment.

"Well I'll be," said Cake. "Feels like Flame Shield to me! You got a natural talent, sister!"

Peppermint nodded and retrieved the now-empty saucer, erasing the chalk circle.

"Alright then," Cake announced, somersaulting off the bed. "I'm outie, guys and girls! Be back in two bites of a pizza crust!"

As she ran toward the door, she paused to call back over her shoulder, "You just rest, Fionna. I wanna see you happily healthy again when I get back."

Fionna belched and fell back against her pillow in response.

"Good." Cake nodded and saluted to Gumball and Peppermint, then spidered her way through the Royal Palace on elongated legs, right out the gate and into the open plains.

Well, well, well, she thought as she bounded off toward the burning mountains on the horizon. Here I am once again doin' Fionna's dirty laundry for her. Dang girl needs to learn that I'm only protectin' her cause I know better, and because I don't wanna have to mop it up every time she spills the freakin’ apple juice.

Then again, she makes a fair point. I HAVE been gettin' awful defensive about her. Kinda like Ice Queen was with me...but this is so totally different! I'm playin' the defense so that stupid witch doesn't stick her nasty claws in my baby! I'm playin' against EVIL, not just someone who I THINK is evil! there's a difference 'tween my motives and hers!

I'm right and I know it. I feel it. I'm doin' a good thing here.

She repeated this to herself like a mantra as she leapt her way over the forest and within minutes reached the familiar smoke-choked skies of the Fire Kingdom border. She returned to normal size as she ambled up to the gates. Standing ever-slouched at the lava rock doors were the same two fire golems she’d run into with Fionna last time.

The golem on the left looked down at her and something crunched loudly in its throat before it grumbled, "The hairy champion has returned. Will she again take something with her this time?"

"What?"

The right golem cocked its head. "Where are your coolish glasses? Have you abandoned them like the Prince has abandoned his lamp?"

Cake frowned and stretched up to eye level. "Look you drips, I'm in a hurry here. Open that gate!"

The left golem shook it's hard-baked head slowly. "I think we will not do that."

"Oh I got no time for this," Cake said dismissively. "I'm a champion 'round here. If I'm in a HURRY, then I gotta ticket to run the gate whenever I dang well please!"

She backed up a few steps and rushed forward on springy, stretchy legs, hopping right over the spiny walls of the gates, alighting on a rotund column of burnt red rock on the other side.

The golems looked to each other, shrugged, and pretended not to notice, resuming their soulless, silent gaze into the horizon.

Looking ahead, Cake picked out a mental path of stepping stones she'd use to get to the globular palace in the center of the lava lake. She took a deep breath, instantly regretting filling her senses with the suffocating, putrid smell of sweaty volcano, then hopped deftly from stone to stone.

I may have a Flame Shield on me, she said to herself, but there ain't no way I'm takin' any chances of scorchin' my tootsies. Gotta be careful and precise. That's why MY plans always work!

Moments later she arrived at the palace door, again guarded by the same two she'd met last time. She donned a grim and serious expression, glaring at the female guard.

"Oh...it's you, isn't it?” the guard said, nervously glancing to her partner. “You've returned...um...how fantastical."

"Lemme in, Jill, or whatever your name was," Cake said impatiently. "I gotta talk to your Queen right quick."

Jill turned to her fellow guard. "She, uh...she doesn't have an appointment, does she?"

He looked at the wall behind him, reading a list of chiseled names and numbers. "...nope, I don't see Hairy Champion listed here. What should we do, though? She IS sort of like a Royal here...".

"Yeah, a Royal what-to-do...” Jill replied, scratching her head. “I don't know what protocol is here, we've never had to deal with Champions kicking around, demanding audience."

"Should...should we ask someone?"

"Nah, takes too long. I think we can take her in a fight, though."

"Us? Against a Champion? You gotta be losin' your sparks."

"Nah, I totally think we can take her if we do it by surprise. She's like...a cat-beast. A lesser evolution, that sort of jazz. She won't see it coming!"

"But she's kinda more than that. She's got Royal status. Aristocracy stuff. She's Miss Aristocat Champion, the Hairy One, the Hissing Match, the Meowthpiece of a Foreign Nation, the--".

"WILL YOU TWO SCUDMONKEYS SHUT UP ALREADY?!"

They stopped and stood erect to attention.

"Now you open this door right this second," Cake growled, her tail transforming into a giant spike-covered fist, "Or I'll leave nothin' but a lump of smokin' body guts in your place by the time I'm finished with you, you hear me?!"

The guards remained silent as Jill cautiously pulled the lever to raise the gate. Steam rose from her forehead, which Cake assumed was the Fire Kingdom equivalent of sweating. She held her chin up, molded the back of her head into a long length of hair and flipped it over her shoulder as she walked by. "And may you never forget it," she whispered scathingly.

As the gate slammed closed behind her and darkness flooded her vision, she waited impatiently for the walls to come alive and provide their veins of low light.

This must be what bakin' feels like, she mused. Here's a Cake in the oven, waitin' for the heat to kick in and that little metal part that gets hot to turn all orange.

The moment the veins glowed bright enough, Cake shot down the slanted corridor, running on all four, no, six, no, eight paws. The sooner she got this over with, the better. No telling how long her protective enchantment would last.

She burst into the center of the colossal throne room and shouted "Flame Queen! I gotta pick my teeth with your bones, so listen up!"

She stopped right in the middle of the floor, panting. Looking around, she noticed she'd interrupted some kind of show. Flame children in decorative outfits froze in mid-dance. A band comprised of bone flutes and hollow-rock claves faltered and fluttered into silence. With a roar, the Flame Queen’s head shot up an angry fireball.

“What are you doing, Champion B?” she shouted. “Why did you crash my special Responsible Honor Among Children’s Recital?”

“Ahm...” Cake started, lips puckering. “...yeah. Sorry. But I really gotta talk to you here.”

“Talk? I suppose that’s cheap enough, I’ll take it. You are a Champion, after all.” The Queen waved the children away. “Go on back to practice, all of you. Perform faster next time. No honor among slowpokes!”

Once the children had dejectedly ushered themselves out the door, Cake turned back to the Queen. “Alright, now I gotta talk to you about your boy.”

“Ah yes, my little Flame Prince. How many of your lands has he already taken in?”

“Well, he’s...uh, I mean, he and Fionna, see...” Cake stuttered. “I actually...don’t even know where he is...um, presently.”

This was such a dumb idea, she whispered in her mind.

“Oh...” the Queen rested her chin on one hand. “Well, no matter anyway. As long as he isn’t still here, everything marches onward as planned.”

“...as planned...?” Cake repeated, running the words through her mind. “...uhm...whatever. So look, lemme ask you this, Majesty. If you went out lookin’ for your son, where would you look first?”

Flame Queen stared back at her blankly. “...what sort of game is this? He’s obviously going to be with his new wife. Isn’t he?”

Cake’s tail twitched silently for a moment. “...hypothetically, what would you do to the messenger if they answered ‘no’ to that question?”

The Queen shrugged. "Probably boil them in lamp oil, same as I'd do to anyone less than a Champion. Hypotheses notwithstanding, it sounds like everything is probably still moving ahead precisely as planned."

"Precisely as...what are you jivin' at? Is there somethin' goin' on that I should know about?"

Silence filled the room.

"...as a Champion?" she added.

Flame Queen cleared her throat. "I suppose since you are indeed a FOREIGN Champion, you may need a brief history primer. Please make yourself comfortable and, heh, warm. In the beginning--".

"Could ya just...give me the abridged version here?" Cake rushed her, looking down her back to see the blue aura of the Flame Shield fading away.

A sigh from the throne. "Fine. These philestinian Champions just have no respect for historic literature, I tell ya...".

"So, the Fire Kingdom is not exactly a habitable place to beings who aren't always on fire, as you can well relate to. We are a place of curious and creative people, but there's only so much a fire person can teach another before we succumb to ‘knowing it all’, so to speak."

"We tried inviting people in, they couldn't stay. We tried expanding out, people wouldn't LET us stay. So, what's a Fire Kingdom to do to gain a loyal following? Gain some support? Gain some fresh new subjects and aristocrats?

"We could wage war, you say. We're very good at destroying things and looting them and tooting the horns of victory afterward. Sure, but where's the actual victory? We've lost the kingdom we were going to rule, left it ravaged for the sake of conquest!”

"No, that is stupid and dumb. Savage war is stupid and dumb. We have an old adage here in the Fire Kingdom. It’s so old we even chiseled it onto our rock flags. ‘Bella gerant alii, tu felix Regnum Ignis nube’. Let the others wage their stupid wars. But oh, the fortunate Fire Kingdom shall instead marry!"

"Marry?" Cake echoed, tail brushing from side to side and bristling slightly. "You mean like 7-layer cake, fancy-pantsiest clothes and sparkly rings kind of marry?"

"Marriage," the Queen replied, swishing the word around in mouth. "When two people get all excited about each other and agree to become as close as blood, sharing their lives and their wealth and their power with one another...you do have marriage in the outside world, don't you?"

"Well duh," Cake shot back, sticking her tongue out. "That’s what I just said. But what's marriage got to do with anything?"

A sly smile formed on the Flame Queen's lips. "Don't you see? Your fellow Champion, as a Champion, must hold at minimum some level of power or influence in the outer world. By marrying and subsequently following her as her husband, my son, the Fire Kingdom Prince, has thusly been imbued by social standards with a keen notion of Fire Kingdom power over at least a part of HER kingdom! Don’t you see it?"

Cake's face fell. "So all you were tryin' to do is get your fingers in everybody's pie by marryin' off your baby?"

"That about completes the circle of it, yes."

"First off," said Cake, as she began punctuating her sentences with zealous hand motions, "That's dumb and a terrible way to expand your kingdom. I mean, you're limited by the number of babies you can pop out in your lifetime, for one! But more importantly, your whole spiel did nothin' to help me figure out where to find your boy!"

The Queen giggled. "It doesn't even matter if you find him anyway! By marrying a Champion with outer world influence, he's furthered my plans regardless! Every gear in the clock is already turning now! You can find him, but you won't stop him from spinning! Eheheheh...".

"But...but you and he...and Fionna...rrgh!" She balled her paws into fists and made a move to deck the Queen's smug face. She restrained herself, took a deep breath, and instead, spun around and skittered off on all fours, running back toward the gates as the queen’s laughter echoed and rebounded off the walls behind her.

Well whaddya know, she thought bitterly as she crashed her way through the palace door. Another setback. Another fluff-up. Why does everything have to go wrong?!

It’s still all Fionna’s fault. If she hadn’t been so preachy-keen on ditchin’ Ice Queen, we wouldn’t even be in such a mess at all! She’s the real reason behind all these fluff-ups, isn’t she? I'm gonna have to get her a special medal for the most fluff-ups in a single mission! What a butt!

She stretched her way across the lava lake, Flame Shield all but gone entirely now. Setting paws on the mountains that rimmed the kingdom, she hoisted herself to the top, taking a moment to look back over her shoulder.

From this height, the entire kingdom looked like a burning, glowing eyeball. The palace in the center formed the eerie, widened pupil of a cat on the prowl for dinner, and mountain rims jutted out from either hemisphere like stone eyelashes.

The whole Fire Kingdom was just one big eye, watching and waiting for the rest of the world to lower its guard so it could thrust marriages upon it.

Gritting her teeth, Cake dashed across the open plains and over the forest on insectoid legs, making a direct beeline for the Candy Palace.

Well that was a total bust, she grumbled to herself. Gotta dash my way back to the Candy Kingdom to tell ‘em all that I learned a whole steamin’ pile of nothin’. I hate bein' the messenger-girl! Why am I always stuck doin' the boring stuff, the dirty work? Every gloopin' time, here's me, takin' care of the loose ends, patchin' up the busted floorboards, thinkin' up a real escape plan. Where's my respect? Where's my easy job? Fionna gets to do all the fun stuff, when is it my turn? That girl’s just so selfish, and she doesn't give me diddly!

She sighed loudly. Buck yourself up, girl. She's your sister for life. You need her, and you know it. She's the only family you got right now. You gotta be responsible, take care of her. Be a good sister, raise her right. Even if it means doin’ all the nasty biz...

Minutes later, she arrived at the Candy Kingdom front gate, and a few more minutes later, she had made her way back to the hospital room. Fionna was lying reclined in her bed, playing a video game on a wall-mounted television while munching on another plate of donuts. She'd finally changed into an ill-fitting hospital gown, and her familiar bunny hat hung loosely over the top of her head.

"Hay Cake," she said casually, mouth full. "Shup?"

"Fionna, are you STILL eating? Girl, you're gonna explode your guts if you keep that up!"

She was met with a shrug, followed by a "HA! Foolish frog, you can't hope to defeat me, your whompin-mama! I clobbered your butts to the trash!"

Cake frowned. She's doing it AGAIN! Kickin' back, relaxin' and maxin', all cool like it's no big deal, doesn't even ask me if I'm okay or what happened or nothin'! Just pluggin' her face up with sweets and playin' games!

"I changed into a gown, too," Fionna replied in between bites.

"Oh...was that...did I say all that out loud?"

"Kinda."

"Oh."

For a moment there was a pause, followed by the pause sound from the game.

"...so what DID happen, Cake?"

Cake shook herself to attention, then crawled up beside Fionna to watch her play. "The whole Fire Kingdom is evil," she said, watching Fionna's bulging stomach rise and fall with each breath.

"Yeah, kind of figured it was something like that." She reached for another donut.

"Flame Queen's just tryin' to marry off her kids and make 'em royalty in other kingdoms."

"Mwhoa, rilly? Thash crazhy." She swallowed. "So FP's not even really trying to be all romantic-like with me? He's just sort of...doing his job?"

"Yeah, somethin' like that. Girl, I'm serious, stop crammin' those things in your mouth!"

"Wha'ever mob."

Cake reached up and slapped Fionna across the cheek, knocking the donut from her mouth. Fionna threw down her controller and shoved Cake off the bed. "What the cattle prod, Cake?! You got some kinda beef today?"

Picking herself up angrily, Cake thrust her nose right up against Fionna's and growled at her. "Fionna, I’ve had up to HERE with your cocky attitude and your sassy mouth! It's high time you stopped thinking about yourself for one minute and started treatin' me with some proper respect! I'm your globbin' SISTER, for cryin' out loud!"

"Yeah? Well you've sure been acting a lot less like a sister and more like a MOM ever since this whole Ice Queen biz started!"

"Fionna, what are you even SAYING here with all this ‘MOM’ scrap?! I am NOTHIN' like my mom! How DARE you even say somethin’ like that to me! ME, who’s been raisin’ you and takin’ care of you for most of your flippin’ LIFE! ME, who’s been makin’ sure you grow up STRONG and smart enough to take care of your own self when the day comes that I’m not around to protect you anymore! I’ve been doin’ NOTHIN’ but SACRIFICIN’ my time and energy for your own sake, and now because of that you’re actin’ like a MONKEY’S BUTT and fartin’ all over my face with your words! At LEAST show me a LITTLE respect for all the things I do for you!"

Silence. Thick, tense silence, only disturbed by the sound of Cake’s heavy breathing. The television above quietly went into screensaver mode.

Fionna’s head tilted slowly downward and her shoulders sank. “Cake...have I really been...is that like, how you feel and stuff?”

“I wouldn’t be yellin’ it if it weren’t the truth,” Cake said in a calmer voice. Wow, I really DID sound like a mom back there, she added mentally.

Brushing the hair from her face, Fionna looked down at the bed pensively. “...well...I guess...yeah, maybe I have been really hard on you lately. I keep blaming Ice Queen for it, but I’m obviously the giant fart around here. I’ve just been really caught up in stuff these past few weeks, and my buns are just getting all kinds of jacked up. You know I don’t really mean all this bad junk I say to you. It’s just the hurt talking...”.

Lips quivering, Cake threw herself at Fionna, all but crying hysterically. “Aww, BABY...I don’t WANNA be mad at you! I’m so sorry for yellin’ at you like that when you’re hurtin’ so bad! Now I just wanna give you the biggest, dopiest hug ever!”

Fionna spit out a patch of offending cat hair and hugged Cake tightly. “Whoa, take it easy, girl...I love you too!”

Their joyful reunion was cut short by several curt knocks on the door from Prince Gumball. “Ladies, I’d hate to interrupt a truly touching moment, but as Prince, there are still important matters I must attend to as priority. Cake, were you able to learn anything from your visit to the Fire Kingdom?”

Cake scrambled her way from Fionna’s lap to the edge of the bed and sat up straight. “Not a lot. I learned why the Prince ‘married’ Fionna, but the Queen was totes helpless when I asked where he might be.”

“Hmm,” the prince mused. “I had actually guessed he would have gone home to the Fire Kingdom. Strange. Why did he marry Fionna, though?”

“The Queen’s tryin’ to expand the kingdom by marryin’ off her kids,” Cake said disapprovingly. “She thinks Fionna’s got a kingdom or somethin’ and Flame Prince is gonna inherit it by bein’ her bride. I guess. Doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.”

Gumball turned to the side and stared at the ground, rubbing his chin. “Expansion by familial interjection, hm? Clever idea, really. Very slow, though. The Fire Kingdom must be very patient people.”

“But evil people aren’t usually patient, are they?” Fionna added, trying to be a part of the conversation.

“Oh, quite the contrary,” Gumball countered. “Most evil people are actually very patient. They often dwell on things for far longer than is reasonably necessary or healthy for them, and they’re willing to wait great lengths to get exactly what they want.”

Sounds familiar, Fionna thought bitterly.

“Well, if one Queen has not served us well, then perhaps the only logical remaining option for us is to ask the other one,” Gumball concluded. “Though I know it pains you to even consider--”.

“NO.”

“Fionna, you really need to listen to logic on this,” Gumball implored. “She may be our only hope of tracking Flame Prince.”

“NO.”

“Please, Fionna?”

Cake stretched a hand up and put a finger to his lips. “Shh, Gummybuns. When a girl says no, she means NO.”

Fionna crossed her arms and glared at the bed. “I’m saying no, PG, but I think in my gut you might be right. And that just makes me wanna say ‘NO’ even louder.”

She looked over at Cake. “But...sometimes ya gotta put yourself away and make some sacrifices, ‘cause...it’s not always about you and what you want. Or...don’t want, I guess. Ya gotta do what’s best for everybody, even if the job smells like unwashed butts. It’s just what you have to do.”

She smiled. Cake smiled. Ice Queen smiled.

Wait.

“...ICE QUEEN! When did you get here?!”

She was standing against the wall beside the window, wearing a white tank top and tight, black shorts. Her hair was held up in a messy ponytail. She appeared to have been sweating, or wait, melting recently.

“I’d been waiting outside the window for my cue for about...oh, twenty minutes or so.” She hovered over to Fionna. “Look at you, poor darling...all busted up like a pooped-out piñata. Are you going to be alright?”

Fionna shot a nasty look her way. “I’m fine, shut your--”.

“GOOD.” She slapped Fionna hard across the cheek. OW.

Cake leapt up and tackled the queen to the ground. “What the dump was that for?!”

“Get off me, Hairlicker!” she blasted Cake away with a small ice beam. “I’m not here to fight you!”

“Oh, very convincing Ice Queen,” Fionna snarked, rubbing her cheek tenderly. She jumped to her feet and stepped into a defensive position. OW. She quickly scanned Ice Queen from toe to head for any weapons, or bubbling potions, or HOLY COW was her butt always that big? She must never have noticed it hiding under that poofy bustle dress...

“You deserved it!” the queen hissed. “I told you Flame Prince was bad news. I told you to give up on him, but you didn’t listen to me! Now look what he’s done!”

Fionna’s fist clenched, sending a ripple of pain up her arm. She gritted her teeth and swallowed. “I’ll live.”

“Of course you will,” Ice Queen snapped. “You’ve been hurt before and bounced right back. One little healing spell and you’ll be fine! I’m not worried about you!”

“...what?”

“You said it yourself, Fionna. It’s not always about YOU, now is it?”

Fionna dropped her fighting stance and stood limp for a moment. “...again, what?”

Ice Queen sighed, cracking her knuckles. “I’m here regarding Flame Prince. You said you all have no idea where he is, am I right?”

All three nodded slowly. Cake brushed the ice from her chest.

“Actually,” Gumball interjected, fidgeting with his fingers, “I was just suggesting we...that is, Fionna and Cake...ask you for assistance in locating him.”

Ice Queen nodded. “I didn’t even need to track him. If he hasn’t already left, I can take you to him right now.”

“You know where he is?” Cake asked.

“Yeah,” she replied, hands on her hips. “He’s destroying my kingdom.”

All three were silent for a moment. Fionna watched a single bead of (sweat? ice? liquid skin matter?) roll down the queen’s cheek and fall to her chest. She noticed Ice Queen staring back at her and snapped to attention. “Is that why you’re in that summery get-up?”

Ice Queen remained paused for a moment, struck with a question she hadn’t been expecting. “...yes,” she replied slowly. “...summery. This is totally a summery outfit, yes. Not just underclothes...”.

She shook her head, coming back to focus. “Fionna, I need you.”

“...for what, exactly?”

“Flame Prince,” she said testily, stretching the words for emphasis. “He’s literally destroying my kingdom and I need you to help me stop him. Obviously I can’t fight him on my own.”

Fionna crossed her arms and smirked. “And why should I help you, Ice Queen? What good does it do me if I help you out here?”

“Look, Penny Cottontail, I don’t have time to play mind games with you right now. I’m kind of in a hurry!”

“How do I even know you’re telling the truth here?” Fionna asked, throwing her hands in the air. “For all I know, you ARE playing mind games! You always do anyway, why should this time be any different?”

“Fionna, please!” the queen insisted. “He’s melting me, destroying my beautiful kingdom, terrorizing my penguins, and I can’t get a hit on him before my Flame Shield dries up! I really, REALLY need your help!”

“Wait,” Cake butted in. “You can cast Flame Shield?”

"Well I can't cast it directly on myself, but I made a bunch of tiny crystals and imbued them with the spell, so, in a sense--".

"Great, fine," Cake said, pushing her back toward the window. "Then YOU can just go fight him to your heart's content. Go on, get your fat behind outta here!"

"No, you don't understand!" she replied, digging her heels into the gingerbread and bumping Cake back with her bottom. "The shields only ensure that I won't DIE from the heat! I still need to be able to actually hit him! My ice melts before coming into contact, so I either need someone to take him out for me, or at least distract him while I charge up a real whopper of a spell!"

Fionna stomped her foot. "We can't KILL him, Ice Queen! He may be dangerous, but he's still my friend!"

"Fine then, we imprison him, or drive him away. Just so long as he's not destroying my home!"

"That's fine for you, but what about for me?" Fionna asked, determined not to come out on bottom of this discussion. "How does helping you help me? And don't say I'm doing it out of love, 'cause I hate you."

"I love you too, darling, but that's QUITE beside the point," the queen said, straightening her hair. "Flame Prince represents a bigger problem than just you and I. He threatens to burn down entire kingdoms. THAT will definitely affect you as well, so by putting a stop to him, you’re not at a loss in this bargain. Either you take care of what YOU started - with my help - or you watch the world burn.”

Fionna glared at her for a moment, not yet responding. She studied the queen’s face intently, trying to decide just how far she could be trusted. She kept getting distracted by the long, wispy eyebrows floating out from just above the queen’s pleading eyes. How did they even stay up there like that?

“I'm not even asking you as my girlfriend, Fionna,” Ice Queen continued in a softer voice. “I'm asking you as a hero. I have need of your righteous heart, not your loving heart. Please. Help me."

Fionna remained silent as she lowered her gazed to the floor. She turned around, took a few paces, then leaned forward against the bed, back to the queen. "...fine, I'll do it. Under protest."

"...good enough," Ice Queen said, half-smiling. "Nice buns, by the way."

Fionna quickly turned around, pinching the hospital gown shut behind her. "Ice Queen...!".

The queen shrugged, grinning mischievously.

"Uh, hey, can I interrupt for just a sec here?" Cake stepped forward. "I do believe we've forgotten one important detail. Fionna is still totally jacked up! She can't go out adventurin' like this!"

Ice Queen sighed impatiently. "I already told you, all she needs is a quick fix of white magic. Hey, Gummypuss. You got any white mages around here?"

Gumball, who by this point was trying to forcibly melt himself into the wallpaper, gulped and shook his head. "I...I don't think so?"

There was a cough from the hallway. Everyone craned their neck to look as Peppermint Maid shuffled in the doorway, broom in hand. "Good afternoon, everyone. Someone mentioned white magic. Is there any way I may be of assistance?"

"Oh, except for Peppermint Maid..." Gumball muttered under his breath.

Ice Queen squinted and leaned forward, scrutinizing her. "...yeah, I definitely see some kind of aura coming from you. Probably white. Maybe grey. Hard to pin it down, actually. You know any healing spells?"

"Hold up," Cake again interrupted. "Ice Queen, why you askin' Peps about magic? You're a witch, why don't YOU cast a healin’ spell?"

"Don't know any," she replied dismissively. "I deal primarily in ice magic, with a little bit of dibble-dabble in other genres and colors. Never needed a healing spell though, so I don't know any."

Peppermint stepped forward. "I do know several healing spells, probably strong enough to cure even Fionna's injuries."

"What? Why didn't you just heal her the moment she came in, then?" Gumball demanded.

"My magic capacity is a bit...ehm, trickier than that," she explained. "To cast a spell, I need to offer a blood sacrifice. And particularly for a regenerative spell to work properly, the blood aura must be ‘compatible' with that of the target."

“Hmm,” Gumball pulled out a small notepad from his back pocket and jotted something down. “Similar blood types affect the chemistry of magic, then...fascinating.”

"That must be why I had so much trouble learning them," Ice Queen mused. "No compatible vic--I mean, targets...to practice on."

"So...wait," Fionna said, hands on her head. "what you're saying is you can cast healing, but only on certain people, and you have to give up BLOOD to make it work? That sounds like some freaked up white magic there...".

"It's complicated," Peppermint glossed. "The fact remains, my blood is incompatible with yours, Fionna. But...".

"...butt?" Fionna asked, at least wary now of the draft behind her.

"...it would appear there is an aura similar to yours emanating from her." She pointed to Ice Queen.

"Oh, REALLY now?" The queen raised an eyebrow, then winked at Fionna. She responded with a gagging gesture.

"Alright then," said Ice Queen, stepping up to the tiny-by-comparison Peppermint. "You want me to bend over, or how do we do this blood thingy?"

"Oh, I'll definitely need you bend over," said Peppermint, holding up a pink syringe. "But only so I can reach your shoulder. You’re quite a tall one, you know...".

The queen shrugged and did as instructed, bending at the waist in front of Fionna, who made a face Gumball later remembered describing as "horrified fascination; she seemed to be mostly afraid of the fact that she couldn't look away".

Peppermint drew a few ounces of the queen’s purplish blood, poured it into a saucer produced from her apron, and hastily doodled a chalk circle on the floor. She began the incantation.

The room glowed and pulsed with blue lights, surrounding Fionna's body in tight, concentric circles. She could feel something crawling beneath her skin, extending past her limbs and into her senses, filling them all with a fresh, renewed energy. It pulsed through her once, twice, three times, then left as quickly as it had arrived.

Fionna felt herself slowly float back down to the ground, and the moment she regained full consciousness, she whipped her head around to see if everyone was still present. “I’m back, guys!” she added for good measure.

“Back? Where’d you go?” said Cake, brushing the long tuft of Fionna’s hair into place. “That only took like three seconds, girl.”

“Oh.” Fionna looked down at herself and flexed her arms slowly. No pain.

"How do you feel?" Gumball asked.

Fionna put a hand to her chest and ran it down to her stomach. "Good...really good!" She struck a fighting pose.

"Yes, it seems the spell was a complete success," Peppermint added, packing up her saucer.

"So then, Fionna..." the queen prompted, watching her run the gamut of warm-up stretches. "When should we depart?"

"Whenever, I guess," she answered, stretching her arms back above her head. "The sooner we get this over with, the better."

"Shall I fetch your clothes?" asked Peppermint, chalk circle erased.

“Yes please,” said Fionna with a nod as she bent to touch her toes.

"In that case, so begin the hunt," Ice Queen said coldly. She grinned and added, "And to reiterate, those are VERY nice buns you’ve got there, Fionna."

She received a hearty fist to the stomach for that comment.


	12. Unresolved Tensions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This mission would be, indisputably, the most awesome and ultimate buddy cop movie if it weren't for the overpowering difference of morals, the blind self-righteous heroism, and the bone-chilling sexual tension." -- Prince Gumball, probably

"Now you're sure you're all totally healed, right?" Cake asked in the most sisterly-not-motherly voice she could manufacture. "You don't need another day or two or a week?"

"I feel like a hundred prancey stallions!" Fionna said exuberantly, pumping her fists. "That heal spell was like liquid crystal dynamite for my soul! I'm like a punchy piston now! HYAAH!"

Ice Queen smiled, pulling her bountiful hair back into a neat ponytail, which, Fionna noticed, was no small feat. "Such enthusiasm, Fionna! I never get to see this side of you."

"Huh? What are you talkin' about, Icicle Nose?" she asked, dropping into a set of leg stretches. "I'm always full of pepper and cinnamon when I fight ya. This is like...the ONLY side of me you ever see!"

"Yes," the queen said patiently, "But this is you excited to go out, not you excited to beat my brains in. It's different."

"Your point?"

"...I didn't really have one."

"Then shut up," Fionna said, tugging her clothes back into place before walking over to Cake. Her stomach was still full and bulgy, and now it felt like her shirt didn't fit right anymore. "We got ourselves a Prince to track, not a romance novel to write."

Ice Queen shrugged in response and followed her.

"Good luck, ladies!" Gumball called from behind the haven of the Candy Palace gates. "I'll remain here, in my kingdom, in case he returns to the scene of battle."

"Yes, I'm absolutely certain THAT is the reason you're staying behind," said Ice Queen with a laugh.

"You comin' or what?"

She turned in time to see Fionna hop onto Cake's back as she upscaled herself to traveling size, nearly half the height of the ice cream cone spires of the palace. The queen whisked herself up on a cold breeze and came to rest straddled across Cake's back. She shimmied forward just behind Fionna, body radiating just enough chill to set her tiny arm hairs on end.

"Nuh-uh," Cake said sternly, her back morphing into a slide. "Off ya go!"

"What the--?!" the queen said as she slipped off Cake's back and caught herself in the fluff of a snow cloud before hitting the ground.

"You ain't snugglin’ up all cozy to my sister, ya hag," Cake informed her. "You know good and well how to fly, so that's what you're gonna do. You just keep your grabby little hands away from her!"

Ice Queen snorted and put her hands on her hips. "Oh sure, use up all my magic energy flying to the scene before the big confrontation, that's some very tactically-sound advice. Nice thinking there, Cupcake."

Cake hissed and thrust her face down to the queen's level. "You are NOT allowed to call me that! ...not anymore!"

She responded with a careless shrug, turned and charged up an ice beam, launching herself into the air. "Fine, if all you're going to do is hate at me, then we may as well just do things our own way and meet up back at the Ice Kingdom."

Cake grabbed her ankle as she flew off. "So you can go on ahead and set a trap for us? I don't think so! You’ll fly right beside us where we can keep an eye on you! And no hijinx either, or so help me I will smush your tush SO HARD--"

"FINE," Ice Queen grumbled. "This is utterly terrible judgment on your part though, Cake. We have a mission to adhere to, and the more magic I waste unnecessarily, the greater the risk of catastrophe. Surely even you can understand that."

"Shut up and fly," Cake instructed, backing up, then springing forward toward the distant, glimmering mountains of the Ice Kingdom. Ice Queen followed suit, flying slower than usual to keep in line with the other two girls.

The afternoon sun was glaring down through scattered clouds, but accentuated by a pleasant breeze. This particular blend of summer heat was a welcome change from the burning, searing kind of heat Fionna had been accustomed to over the past few days. She closed her eyes and reclined back on Cake, soaking it all in while she had the chance.

It's been way too long since I relaxed like this, she thought. Too much fiery pain and psycho headaches and artificial hospital air, nowhere near enough unfiltered sunshine wind.

This was the peace she'd been longing for over the past few weeks...a chance to clear her clouded head. Not having to think about Ice Queen was what she really wanted, but that still wasn’t possible at the moment. This serenity wouldn’t last...

She turned her head and opened an eye to see Ice Queen, flying close beside, watching her recline with a hinted smile on her face.

Fionna stuck her tongue out at her. The queen winked. Fionna made a rude finger gesture. The queen mockingly blew a kiss. Fionna mimed plunging a dagger into her heart. The queen made fish lips. Cake cleared her throat loudly. "We're here."

Turning her attention to their destination, Fionna's eyes went wide, then squinted from the gleam of the ice mountains. "Whoa, what in the name of Gob happened here?"

The normally snow-laden peaks were only sparse and spotted now. Enormous chunks of solid ice had been torn and gouged from the sides of the mountains, cast aside and standing on their ends like ancient temple ruins. Small lakes of melted ice had formed between snowbanks. And dotting the kingdom from end to end could be seen very frantic and very confused penguins, polar bears and snow foxes, skittering around and - in the case of the smaller animals - trying not to get eaten in the chaos.

"Believe me now?" Ice Queen asked, touching down on a bank beside a particularly large melt-lake.

Cake's back transformed into a flight of stairs and Fionna slid down the banister, landing next to the queen. "Flame Prince did ALL of this?"

"Well, I certainly didn't do it myself," Ice Queen said dryly. "Though if I wanted to, I could."

Returning to normal size, Cake added, "So this COULD still be a trap?"

The queen sighed heavily. "Kittycat, please. Traps are hardly worth my time, I don't even need to use them. Now come on, let's see if our little firebug is still hanging around...".

She closed her eyes and slowly stretched out a hand, breathing out slowly. She appeared to be listening to something, but with her fingers instead of her ears.

"...so...what are you doing?" Fionna asked after a moment, breath fogging up in the chill air.

"Divining," the queen responded faintly. "Testing for heat."

"Oh...so we just kinda wait here while you do that?"

"Pretty much." She turned a few degrees, fingers twitching.

Fionna smacked her lips and looked around, crossing her arms for warmth. "Ya know...this whole place looks kinda cool right now. I mean, cool like as in awesome.”

“Not cool like me?” Ice Queen responded sarcastically, outstretched hand turning a few more degrees. It reminded Fionna of the minute hand on a clock.

“No, ya butt, cool like...this place looks like some kinda ancient mystic temple place. Made of ice. And like, maybe there were druids or ice golems or hecks, even other ice kings and ice queens for you to play with or give orders to or flirt with or whatevs it is you do in your spare time. Like...this would just make a cool place for you to live, the way it is right now...is all I’m sayin’.”

Ice Queen remained silent for a moment as her minute hand ticked forward a bit further. She finally added, “...you know, I can reshape these mountains any way I want to. I used to create giant sculptures and palaces all around here years ago. You should have seen some of the ones I came up with back then, THOSE were cool.”

Fionna kept turning around, taking in the view from all sides. "So how come I've never seen anything like that? All I ever see is boring snow fields and sometimes some boring ice fields."

The queen exhaled deeply as she turned, leaning this time. "I don't have a reason to anymore. Who's going to see them? Who's going to tell me they're cool? Who would even care to come out of their way to see these masterpieces when they’re all the way out in the treacherous chill of the ice mountains?"

"Well, maybe if you lived somewhere that didn't freeze my knobs off, I'd come and check 'em out sometime," Fionna said, hopping in place to stay warm.

Cake looked over at her disapprovingly, then stretched her tail around Fionna’s neck like a scarf.

The queen blinked and stopped moving her hand. "...you would?"

"Huh? Yeah, why not. If you weren't an ice witch, maybe if you were like a grass witch, or a lemonade witch or something...oh but wait, then it wouldn't be ice sculptures anymore. It'd be like...lemonade fountains and--".

"Oh well, never mind then," the queen interrupted, frowning. "I've found him anyway."

"About frumpin' time," Cake grumbled.

Ice Queen scowled at her and pointed off toward a thick patch of forest that ran flat from the base of the ice mountains, then scaled the side of a lone, stone mountain in the distance. The nearest treetops could be seen blanketed in soot. "There's a distinct trail of evaporation which leads away from here in that direction. It's maybe two hours old. We should get moving."

"You sure?" Fionna asked, squinting back.

“I’m always sure.”

“But how do you KNOW?”

The queen groaned and stretched out her hand again, putting one hand to her ear. "Let’s run a simple robotics analysis and verify the Ice Queen’s statement. Boop boop beep boop, yep, evaporation trail detected, recommended action is to follow. Beep boop."

Fionna turned her head and snorted, muffling a giggle. No, wait, what? Don't giggle! She's the freakin’ Ice Queen, you can’t be seriously giggling at her like that! Yeah, but admit it, that was kinda funny. No, not really! She's probably plotting something, remember! No laughing!

"Yo Ice Kweem, weren’t you sayin’ we ain't got all day to mess around?" Cake snapped impatiently. "Let's go!"

"Yes, fine, come along now," Ice Queen beckoned, taking the lead. "I'll take the lead, Fionna can back me up, and Cake can cover the rear."

"Yeah, leave it to the stretchy one to cover a rear that size," said Cake, begrudgingly taking up her position behind Fionna in the single file march. "Who died and made you our leader anyway?"

The queen, one arm outstretched in divination, the other magicking a pathway through the overflowing slush lake before them, snickered and replied with, "Would you rather I WASN'T the first in a procession heading straight into danger's expectant arms?"

A wicked smile came to Cake's face. "...okay, so I DO like the idea of you bein' first to get smacked if we meet trouble...". The smile became a frown. "Then again, I DON’T like Fionna walkin' so close to you. She might catch your crazy."

"Would you rather she was on the other end, where potential sneak attackers might snitch up behind and jump our unawares?"

"...frankly I'm not sure which one’s worse!"

“Oh please!” The queen huffed.

Both parties fell silent as Fionna spoke up. "If you guys are gonna talk about me, at least don't act like I'm not even here. I'm a big girl, I can make my own decisions! This setup is whatever, I have no issue with it. You just gotta deal with it, mo--I mean sister."

Cake nodded, half-approving.

"Now let's all shush down and get on with our little mission thingy, awright?"

The trio marched on in silence, passing through the Ice Kingdom and down a grassy footpath right into the split-cedar air of the forest. The aroma came with a faint hint of barbecue, like some kind of deep-woods bonfire party that had just died down. Buzzing bees and timid rodents brought about a certain scuffling liveliness to the place.

They were a trio with a mission that carried them directly into the heart of the bonfire itself.

Fionna marched on, matching the queen's pace and keeping her eyes open. The snow-white ponytail in front of her was very distracting though, cheerfully bobbing up and down with each step. She wouldn’t admit to it out loud, but she certainly felt a little jealous of such fine hair. It flowed from her head like a pure sundae swirl of ice cream yet untouched by grubby fingers.

In fact, now she couldn't help but look the queen over from head to toe. This was the first time she'd really gotten a chance to see her outside of her usual, abundantly-oversized bustle dress. There was an actual, normal-sized person under all that fluff and pomp, and now that Fionna had a chance to see that, she decided the queen was actually very pretty.

Her blue skin was not at all wrinkly like she'd imagined, for one thing. Her bare arms were smooth and soft-looking, and in the afternoon sun they glistened, almost glowed, like a freshly frozen river. Her body was lean, but far from bony. Fionna was surpised to see faintly-sculpted muscles along her forearms and back, and made mental note that the queen might be stronger than she looked. Her figured very slightly narrowed at the waist, then bubbled outward over her bottom and down a pair of thick thighs that slowly tapered off into a pair of oversized hiking boots.

Well...she certainly has got looks, I'll give her that, Fionna said to herself, trying unsuccessfully to take her eyes off the queen's tight shorts. I wonder how come none of the princes seem to like her...I mean, duh, obviously she kidnaps them and junk, but shouldn't some of them like, be okay with getting kidnapped by such a beauty? I bet Marshall would be into her if she hadn't gone and pulled that stupid 'masquerade-as-Gumball' scrap with him.

And y'know, if she wasn't avalanche-level crazy and all that cram.

They passed under a tangle of scorched branches, pressing deeper. "Hey, I know where we are now," Fionna said, breaking the silence. "I thought there used to be a bog here, though."

"There was," Ice Queen responded, hand still outstretched. "But it's been partly evaporated. See, look, it's much drier now. The prince must have stopped here for a while. We're getting much closer."

She led on, concentrating less than before. "So Fionna, why don't you tell me a little about the Flame Prince? I'm curious as to how your little love affair played out."

"Affair...wha...NO! That's not what it was at all!" Fionna sputtered, cheeks turning pinker.

"That's right, it was a...wait, what exactly was it anyway, Fi?" Cake asked.

"It was nothing! It was a normal adventure! It was a thing that doesn't need to be talked about like that!"

The queen shrugged. "Just making casual conversation to pass the time here. Just tell me a little about him or something."

Fionna took a breath. "Okay, then...he's kinda hard to describe, though. Like, he's a complicated person and stuff."

"Just try your best."

"Yeah..." Fionna said as she tried to conjure up the right words. "So, he's like...he's different. Innocent. Like he doesn't know what the world is and how it works. He's really curious but kinda stupid. I think his brain was wired to work one way but his body kinda wants him to work another way. He's really complicated, but in such a simple way...I don't...does that even make sense?"

The queen looked back over her shoulder and nodded. "Can you put that into a picture from your mind, though?"

Fionna frowned and stared at the ground as she picked her way past broken tree limbs and piles of pungent pellets. She opened her mouth once or twice before settling on:

"He's like a kid on a beach, looking at the ocean with sparkle eyes and building a castle from the sand before he knows what waves are."

Ice Queen stopped, hand slowly falling to her side. "...that was...that was beautiful, Fionna. I need to write that down or something, I'm thoroughly impressed!"

Fionna shrugged modestly. "That was pretty much the only onion in my noodles. I mean, it wasn't hard to think of, but it sounds right, I think."

"Well believe me, tomboy, I think your noodles are beautiful."

"Watch it Ice Queen," Cake warned. "I told you no funny business."

"Relax," she replied, drawing out the word. "Her metaphor was sound and very inspiring. I want to use it in my poetry."

"Oh yeah, you do write poetry, don'tcha?" Fionna asked, recalling the tomes on the queen's bookshelf. "Not that I read any of it, or would even know if it's like, quality stuff or anything. I don't do fancy words real good...".

"Or so you say, I thought it was fantastic."

"Nah, you're just saying that cause you wanna show me you care so you can flatter-flirt at me and then I'll somehow like you back and whatever. I'm on to your games, you little snow cougar."

Ice Queen huffed and put a hand to her hip. "Oh sure, Fionna, the only thing I'm ever thinking about is you and how to get you in my arms. I have no others thoughts aside from you, none at all. I don't even care about poetry. I don't care about the prick of icy pen against the crystallized fossil sheets of parchment within my sacred drawer. All of my poetry was naught but a precursor to hitting on you. You are the absolute crux of my life, the apex, the zenith. Nothing else will ever compare or matter in my life beyond you. You're the-".

"OKAY, STOP!"

Cake shoved her way in between the two of them, pushing them apart at the foreheads. She turned to Fionna. "Fionna, you don't need to be engagin' the queen like this. She's just gonna mess with your head 'til ya crack, then she'll wear ya down 'til you're not payin' attention and then STRIKE, and she'll have ya all to herself! Just ignore her!"

She turned to Ice Queen. "And YOU need to shut your yammerjam! We're workin' with you on somethin' important, and on a temp basis only! You said we had a mission to stick to, and that you weren't even after Fionna's heart. So you either just straighten the stick up or ship your drips right on back home!"

Silence hovered between all three parties for a moment, frowns adorning each face. Ice Queen broke first with a deep breath. "You're right, Cupcake, we ARE on a mission here. It also seems to me we are having quite some difficulty working together...".

"That's all your fault," Fionna interjected. "I'd be more than happy to just get on with things and capture Flame Prince, but YOU'D clearly rather just flirt like a weirdo."

"Fionna, you are giving yourself ENTIRELY too much credit," Ice Queen growled. "I may have said in no uncertain terms that I am attracted to you, but if we can't set that aside to work together for just one mission--".

"Then set it aside!" Fionna shouted, stomping her foot and centering a finger pointed directly at the queen's nose. "Put your heart away for a second and stop trying to butter up my buns!"

"Listen to yourself, you're completely deluded! You may have nice buns, Fionna, but they're not so nice when you can't pull your own face from between them! I asked you here to help me on the most platonic of terms, yet you STILL insist I'm trying to get in your skirt! Open your crusted eyes already!"

"Look," Fionna said through gritted teeth, "We're obviously not getting anywhere with this. Our ropes don't make a good knot."

"Yes, I agree," Ice Queen said patiently, "The unresolved tension between us makes it really hard to function as a single unit. But the fact remains--".

"Yeah, unresolved tension that you keep trying to convince me is my fault for not smoochin' you back!"

"FIONNA!" Ice Queen snarled, throwing her hands up angrily. "Quit attacking for a moment! Listen to yourself! I've asked you for nothing but your assistance! I don't need your kisses, nor your body, nor even your acceptance right now! All I want from you is a little cooperation! We have a common enemy, and I can't take him down without you!"

"Yeah," Fionna returned, "You need me. But I don't need you. You said we're close to him. I can find him from here, I bet. We can't work together, so we're better off splitting off."

Ice Queen hung limp, expression appalled and berating. She sputtered as she tried to gather her thoughts into a coherent argument. Cake stepped in for a word.

"Hang on, wait. If we're both trackin' down the same person, Ice Queen's gonna be on the same trail no matter what. So even if we try to split, we won’t REALLY be splittin' for long, if ya think about it."

"Exactly!" The queen agreed, straightening up. "Whether or not we want to, we've been fated to work together! I need you to put your ego away and deal with me long enough so that we can snuff the Flame Prince, okay?"

Fionna scowled and crossed her arms, remaining silent on the matter.

The queen let out an aggravated sigh. "Would it make you happy if I prove you right? Want me to try and give you a big old victory smooch the moment we subdue the prince?"

"That's the reason I can't work with you, queenie! You and your redonk mind games! How am I supposed to trust you? You're obviously just gonna double-cross or humiliate me, I know it!"

“Fionna, this is ludicrous! If you hope at all to defeat Flame Prince, you're going to have to work with me. And if you can't work with me, then we need to psych out this distrust with some good and proper mental medicine."

"What are you even trying to say now?"

"Psy-cho-lo-gy," the queen enunciated. "We need to sort this out right now. Let's resolve the unresolved here."

"Oh, so your some kinda psycho doctor now, too?"

She stood in front of Fionna and took a deep breath, chest puffed out. "Now tell me, Fionna. Why can't you trust me?"

Fionna remained silent for a moment, staring blankly.

"Go on, tell me what's wrong with me, so we can resolve this. The sooner you let your repressed feelings out, the sooner we won't be having this flippant awkward conversation. Go on!"

Another brief moment passed before Fionna looked up into the queen's face. Her cold-burning, white eyes glared back, glowering beneath her long, wispy eyebrows. Fionna exhaled slowly.

"Ice Queen...I hate you. I'm talking honest, legit hate here."

A moment. Two moments. "Go on," the queen prompted.

"I really hate being around you. You give me this really weird feeling in my gut. Just thinking about what you said to me makes me screaming red. You're weird. You're a stalker. You're a kidnapper and a manipulator. You swing ice swords at my head, even though you say you love me. You say you're obsessed with me. Knowing that just makes me even redder. You get inside my head and skittle around like a rattlesnake tail. You jank my brain, haunt my dreams and make them nightmares. Sometimes I just wanna take my sword, ram it through your crystal-clear heart, slice your head off and throw it in the ocean, punch your body into the ground, bury it, and pee on your grave."

She paused to take a breath, noting that the queen hadn't budged, but the glow in her eyes had subsided.

"But you know why I don't do all that? Because it wouldn't make me happy. I could beat the teeth out of your skull and flush your bones down a toilet, but it wouldn't fix the damage. I’m always gonna have this scar from you. You're a scar on my life, Ice Queen, and I really hate you."

Time froze. Ice Queen cast her glance to the ground, closed her eyes, took a few breaths. Cake put a hand on Fionna’s shoulder, only to have it shrugged off. The silence was louder than anything in that moment. The animals, the breeze, the occasional snap of a twig, none of it registered. The only sound any of them could hear was the thick anticipation hovering between them.

Finally, Ice Queen breathed. She looked up at Fionna, then cracked her knuckles and stretched her arms high above her head, arching her back. Her tank top inched upward, belly button glimpsing out from beneath the hem. Fionna’s eyes followed it for a second, then quickly darted back up to the queen's face, which now bore the faintest hint of a gin.

"So basically, Fionna," she said, finally breaking the silence, "You're upset and bothered about the things I've done and said to you, but you can't find it in your heart to get rid of me for it. You still want to be the hero. You’re playing the part of the martyr, the victim. I'm the bad guy, you're the good guy. Right?"

"What are you psychoblabbing about?"

"Fionna, this is a classic case of misplaced aggression with a strong hint of kismessitude."

"...wha? Stop using all those made-up words!" Fionna drew her sword. "My point still stands, I hate your guts!"

"Put the sword away," Ice Queen warned, taking a defensive stance.

"SHUT UP!" Fionna commanded. "I knew this wouldn't work. Enemies can never work together. They just can't! Maybe it work in movies and stories, but it doesn't work in regular life! There's just too much hate!"

"Fionna! Look, if you hate me so much, why can't you stop thinking about me? If you REALLY hate me so much, what's stopping you from killing me right here?" Her hand lit up in a blaze of ice magic.

"BECAUSE I'M BETTER THAN THAT!" Fionna shouted, taking a step closer. "I'm better than you! I don’t just kill people when I get mad at ‘em like you do! I can find a better way to prove my hate!"

"You're being ridiculous, Fionna!" Ice Queen screamed back, ice claws subconsciously forming on her fingertips as she spoke. She also moved forward, face inches from Fionna's. "There's another reason for all this hate! You're just too blind with self-righteous justice to see it!"

"Will you please start making some sense?! What are you talking about?!"

"THIS!"

Fionna froze in place as the queen lunged forward. Lips met lips. Ice-cold claws cradled her back and her head. She shivered as the chill of the queen’s body pressed up against hers; her spine went rigid when she felt the queen’s rigid nipple rub against her own.

And for a single moment, it didn't matter.

Nothing mattered. She was still angry, her heart was still pounding, her fingers were still wrapped tightly around the hilt of sword, but none of that seemed wrong about the situation. The entire moment just felt complete.

...until Cake kicked the queen hard across the jaw, sending her to the ground.

Fionna stood stunned for several seconds, her lips tingling with the sensation of tiny freezing needles again. She turned to see Cake staring at her expectantly. Oh, right.

She shook herself free and stood over the queen, sword pointed at her face. Her own face was burning red, even though she was actively trying to hide that fact. Ice Queen smiled beneath the skin at the satisfaction of a seed well planted.

"Ice Queen, what kinda bonehead move was that?" Cake demanded. "You told us no creepy lovegames, and then you go and smuck it up, and right in front of my face too! What's the matter with you, you sicko?!"

She replied with an ice bolt that whizzed just beside Cake's ear. Without thinking, Fionna deftly swung the sword in an upward loop, swiping the tiara from the queen's head and twirling it on the end of the blade.

"Hey! Give it back!" Ice Queen screamed, scrambling to her hands and knees. "I NEED that!"

"No," Fionna replied curtly, still trying to decide on an actual plan of action.

"Fionna, PLEASE!" the queen begged, grabbing Fionna's ankle. "You don't understand, I NEED it!"

"No," she repeated, snatching the tiara and holding it high overhead. What am I even doing with this? she asked herself.

"I...I'll die without it...you don't understand...I...NEED...THAT...TIARA!"

Fionna turned her attention to the headpiece in hand. It didn't seem particularly special. It wasn't even particularly ornate or stunning. Just a simple gold pointed headband with a couple of low-glowing rubies inlaid along the center. Yet the longer Fionna looked at it, the more she could swear that just below its surface, she could feel a ghost of a heartbeat.

"Listen to me, Fionna..." the queen again begged, chest heaving. "Why do think I've lived...for so long? Inside that tiara...is my lifeforce...if I'm separated from that...for too long...I WILL DIE...".

Fionna slowly turned her gaze from the tiara down to the queen. Her eyes were pleading, crying, her fingers reaching up and grabbing at her skirt. Frozen tears began welling up in her eyes. "Please..." she whispered.

"So I hold your life in my hands, Ice Queen," she replied coldly. "Is this how you feel all the time? Like you've got all the power in your fingertips? Like you have total control over your what’s left of your enemies' own lives? To think, I could actually kill you right now...".

"...you...you wouldn't though...would you?" The queen's voice was cracked and weak, tears crystallized in a stream down her cheeks.

Cake stepped up and put a hand on Fionna's arm, looking down uncertainly at the queen. "...you gonna do it, Fi? You gonna kill her?"

Fionna took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, her own breath fogging the air. Whether because the tiara had briefly filled her with ice powers or because of the cold from the kiss, she wasn't sure. She held out her hands and unceremoniously dropped the tiara to the ground, then turned on her heel and silently walked away from the path into the thicker part of the forest.

Ice Queen snatched up the crown and held it closely to her breast, whispering to herself as she slowly regain her breath and stopped sobbing.

Cake looked down on her. "...you're as pathetic as ever, Ice Queen. We don't need you, anyway. This is our breakin' point. We're done here. Hope you're happy with the way things turned out."

She waited a moment, then scampered off on all fours after Fionna, leaving the queen to recover on her own.

Moments later, the queen drew a slow, steady breath and returned the tiara to her head, standing up and brushing herself off. She arched her back, stretching until it cricked, then slouched forward with a sigh.

“Have you forgotten so quickly that I’m going to catch up with you again anyway?” she said aloud. “I still want to see Flame Prince completely subdued, you know...”.

There are a lot of things I want, actually, she thought. I want my home back. I want some company. I want to be loved.

But she decided that right now, more than anything else in the world, she really wanted a glass of root beer.


	13. She Said It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After storming off and leaving the Queen for better or worse, Fionna and Cake find themselves alone together on the side of the mountain. An ideal time for sisters to have a much-needed heart-to-heart about all this crazy junk they've been going through these past few weeks...something still needs to be said though. Someone (not to name names) needs to say it.

Fionna hacked her way through the thick brambles, blazing a path with her sword and muttering curses with each stroke. Sneaky thorns stung and bit her legs as she ran past, leaving gashes and tears in her stockings. She ignored them, recklessly continuing to undo all the work that Peppermint Maid's healing spell had done to repair her. All the work that Ice Queen's blood had done to repair her.

She grimaced at the thought and shook her head, pressing forward even harder.

Cake wasn't far behind. She had wanted to take the lead, use her superior size and strength to barge her way through it all, but Fionna was clearly in a mood to hack and slash some things mercilessly. And in that sort of mood, it was probably best that she not be the one fighting the comb-toothed mushroom beasts that were scampering after them.

"Fionna!" Cake shouted as she tail-whipped the leading mushroom, "Do we even know where we're going here?"

"Anywhere but back there," she replied, biting her lip and slicing through a large fallen tree limb.

Cake flipped herself around, running backwards for a moment to kick a pursuing beast. "You know she's eventually gonna catch up with us...".

"Shut up."

Cake didn't push the issue any farther, focusing instead on keeping behind Fionna and fending off gnashing mushrooms. She sighed and tried to focus on something else. Mushroom beasts were an annoyance, but not a particularly difficult enemy, so in times like these Cake had discovered that the ability to think about her place in the universe and how it came to pass that she'd gotten into the mess she was presently in was a useful one to have mastered.

Fionna had other thoughts, though. Quite a lot of them, in fact. Her brain had never quite recovered from the whirlpool of confusion that had sprung up after Ice Queen's kiss. The cold feeling still haunted her lips, like a sensation she might never forget, even if she wanted to.

...or didn't.

"Butts!" she cursed as she tripped, falling face first into a patch of thistle. She angrily righted herself, chewing up the leaves she'd gathered in her mouth and swallowing them. "I hate this forest! Ugh, remind to puke those leaves back on it later!"

"Sure baby," Cake called, wriggling furiously from under a tangle of snarling mushrooms. "Little busy right now though!"

Fionna growled and looked down to see a parasite of her own gnawing her ankle. She raised her sword and plunged it hard into the creature's skull, then swung it in a hard overhead arc, casting the beast into the distance. She spun around and did the same for the ones pinning Cake down.

"Phew, thanks girl," she said, brushing herself off. "We better get outta these thickets. The shroomies don't like open spaces, so we can probs get em off our tails if we take it out past this foresty part."

Fionna nodded, kicking another crawler away as it scrambled up past her. She placed her sword between her teeth and clambered up the nearest tree. Oof. Glob, I feel so out of shape. Adventure, that's what I've been missing...not sitting around eating pancakes and donuts. Ugh.

With some difficulty, she hoisted herself atop a mossy branch and stood to full height before sliding her way down the length of it, hopping off and grabbing a hanging vine at the end. She swung and weaved her way between the trunks and beneath the branches, carrying herself on the strength of the vines and her own split-second thinking.

I really don't understand what's going on with me right now, she thought. I don't know what emotion I'm supposed to be feeling. Still feels kinda like hate, but also...embarrassment? Humiliation? It feels like I'm surrendering to her. Like I've given up on defending myself. Like I let myself lose a battle...

...but there's something else too! There's a...a rightness to it. It feels...right. Like it was a battle I was supposed to lose? I don't understand! What is there to gain from losing a brain battle with that stupid witch? I HATE being humiliated like that!

Ugh, why did she kiss me again? I can still feel it on my lips...she's a scar. She's like a scar I carry...like a scar I can't stop poking at though...a scar I'm supposed to have? IT JUST DOESN'T ADD UP!

She very abruptly realized she'd just run out of vines as she flailed her way through the air, landing in a tangled heap in the middle of an open grass field. She groaned loudly and sorted herself out.

No broken bones. No missing teeth. A few scrapes and bruises. Cuts on her arms and legs. Nothing missing or seriously damaged, though. Good.

And no little mushroom maniacs trying to gnaw off her toes. Very good.

Cake came tumbling after, tossing away a particularly stubborn foe latched tightly to her tail. She hustled over to help Fionna to her feet.

"Whew, we made it," she said, stretching her limbs overhead. "Fi, you alright?"

Fionna paused before answering. "Huh? Yeah, fine...", she mumbled, pulling twigs from her hair. She took a moment to view their new surroundings.

In the ebbing orange light of a late sunset, sparse trees sprung up here or there, very inconsistent in size. They had reached their distant mountain destination; the ground here was sloped, with thick grass surrounding the bottom, thinning out into rocky crags near the summit.

Cake look out at the sunset and frowned. "Guess we're pullin an all nighter, huh? Maybe we should just start a fire, then. Heh. Kinda ironic. Startin' a fire, searchin' for the prince of fire...ya know...ironic...".

Fionna half-smiled, then dropped it as she rolled two fallen logs from the forest edge into the grassy clearing. She sat with her chin cradled in hand as Cake brought forth an offering of dead branches and a pair of white rocks.

"...boy, she musta shook you up somethin' fierce," said Cake as she clacked the stones together to make sparks. "You alright, Silent Knight?

A sigh. "You were there Cake, you heard everything."

"Yeah...". The spark caught on a patch of dead grass and a tiny cinder took form, slowly growing its way into a tiny flame. "Sounds like we might need to settle our butts in for some sisterly bonding time."

Fionna remained silent and shrugged, not lifting her head from its resting place. The fire rose a little higher, bringing some semblance of life to the otherwise dull-looking scene.

"...and what better way to bond than two girls campin' out under the stars together, tellin' secrets and swappin' stories?" Cake put on a friendly smile and cuddled up beside her sister.

Fionna turned to look. There was something innately calming about Cake's familiar, goofy grin. Something that never failed to cheer her up. She cracked into a full smile and put her free arm around her, bringing that warm, hairy body close. "Been a while since we had one of these, hasn't it?"

"Ha, you're tellin' me!" Cake chuckled. "Last time I remember, it was you tellin' me you'd been bit by a monkey and thought you were gonna turn into one, but turned out it was just 'cause you finally noticed the hair growin' in your pits!"

Fionna giggled, finally pulling herself loose from her chin-rest position. "Is that any worse than the time Monochromicorn went on vacay with the prince and you couldn't sleep cause you missed his hoof-tapping? You made me tap my wooden clogs against the wall saying Grod-knows-what every night for like a week!"

"Oh now, don't bring THAT up," Cake groaned. "I got over that right quick, and you know it! 'Sides, you try havin' a boyfriend disappear for a week with no way to talk to him 'til he gets back! It's hard, Fi! It's hard."

Fionna's smile faded away slowly. "Yeahhh...". The same dejected, tired look returned.

"Ooh, maybe that was the wrong way to take this train of thought," Cake said, taking her hand. "Ice Queen still gettin' to ya?"

"I guess...".

"You guess? You guess what?"

A deep sigh. "I don't know. I really don't know. I've never really had an emotion like this before."

"Like what kind of emotion?" Cake persisted, leaning against her.

"I. DON'T. KNOW."

Cake grabbed Fionna's cheeks and pulled her head down to eye level. "Then let's figure it out, booger-brain! Talk to me."

Looking down in those gleaming blue eyes, Fionna cracked and smiled, running her fingernails along Cake's back. Things were never quite so difficult when she had Cake to talk to.

She took a slow, deep breath, then exhaled slow and loud. "...okay."

"Good," Cake purred, thoroughly enjoying the attention she was getting. "Now let's talk about that Ice Queen."

"Okay."

"Tell me about her, Fi. You hate her, I know, but tell me about what you're thinkin' right now. Tell me how you feel."

The fire snapped and popped as Fionna stared. Somehow the sight and sensation of fire wasn't exactly calming anymore. She could still feel the scars left from her enoucnter with Flame Prince, despite them now being completely healed. They still burned under her skin.

"Are you scared of her, Fionna? Does she freak you out?"

She barely shook her head, unable to look away from the slow burn of the fire.

"Good," Cake replied, putting up her fists. "Cause I was gonna remind you that she's no threat! You just proved all you gotta do is snitch her crown and beat her down, and you could even kill her if ya needed to! You got NO REASON to be afraid!"

"Cake, you know I never I kill people." There was a certain monotony, a certain distraction in her voice.

"So you're gonna let her live, even though she bugs the skunk outta ya? I sure hope ya got a method for that madness...".

For a few seconds her mouth was open, but words remained suppressed. Until "...there has to be one." finally squeaked its way out. "I mean...I wish I knew exactly what it was, but it has to be there."

Arms crossed, Cake frowned and continued. "Well, is there somethin' we're not lookin' at here? Is there somethin' missin'? ...did she do somethin' other than just kiss ya?"

"Ew, no."

"You'd better not be lyin' to me, buttercup."

"Cake. Seriously. All she's done is kiss me. On the lips. Like three or four different times. Maybe one of those was a dream...".

Cake sat up and turned to face her, straddling the log. "You had a makeout dream about her too?!"

"Shut up, that was a bad night."

For a moment Cake looked stern and ready to scold, but she noticeably restrained herself and instead sighed. "Okay, then. Let's just focus on the kisses. The real ones, I mean."

"Cake, I don't wanna talk romance right now. If we do, you'll start talking about kangaroos and unicorns again like you always do...".

A huff in response. "This is different, Fi. For one thing, this is two kangaroos with no unicorns in sight. But more importantly, we gotta talk about what these liplocks are doin' to your mind."

Fionna groaned and put her head in her hands.

"...alright, FINE, no kangaroos, I promise," Cake said, sliding back into her former position, leaning against Fionna. "But we really gotta talk about this romancin' jazz if you wanna get some sense made of the situtation."

"I hate romance," she mumbled.

"Yeah, we already established that."

"Yeah, okay. Right. So...Ice Queen kissed me. Now what?"

"We gotta expand on that. Tell me what it felt like."

"Cold."

Cake thumped Fionna on the back of the head. "Details, ya lump! What'd you feel inside?"

Her face sunk deeper as she curled up tighter. "I don't know. A-a lot of things! But they were all happening at the same time, so it was like all one really big emotion made from a schlop of little ones. I don't know what that's called!"

"You're gonna have to do better than that, lovergirl! Describe it all! Elaborate!"

She moaned and grabbed the ears of her hat, pulling them down to knee level. "Okay, jeez. So...it felt like...I was mad that she kissed me. And I was embarrassed too, 'cause she did it right in front of you! Um, I was shocked, 'cause I wasn't expecting it...but...when I think about it now...it almost feels like I WAS expecting it. Like it was supposed to happen. Does that even make sense?"

Cake licked her lips. "Not one bit."

"That's where I'm at right now, Cake," Fionna said, tossing her hands in the air. "This kiss, the last kiss, the one before that...when I look back on them, they all felt...right. Like that was just what happened next and it was all sort of okie dokie because of it. It's like the universe meant for it to happen, and I knew it, but I was still mad about it...?"

"That's stupid," Cake responded, scratching behind her ear. "But I'm pretty sure I can see what that means...and I don't like it one bit."

"Why, what do you think it means?" Fionna brought herself up to an upright position.

Silence reigned for a moment as Cake stood up and paced her way to other side of the fire. She slowly turned back to Fionna. "Fionna...do you LIKE that feeling you get when Ice Queen kisses you?"

"What? WHAT?? Are you even serious with that? Do I LIKE it?? What kind of...that's completely...so very...uhm...".

A switch clicked in her mind. Rusty gears creaked and groaned to life as dormant, subtle thoughts she hadn't been thinking about thinking suddenly flowed, carrying the subconscious to the conscious. Two and two finally equalled four. She sat dumbfounded for a few moments as the answer slowly seeped in.

"...I...well, I might not be, like...allergic to them...".

Cake looked at her plainly. "...just say it."

Fionna opened her mouth to protest, but thought and logic had taken over her brain now. She revisited that familiar boiling, buzzing sensation she got from each kiss, and involuntarily shivered with a certain excitement. Even now, that same tingling feeling danced over her lips.

Turning her head, her eyes were met with Cake's, inches away. "Say it, Fionna."

She deflated and put her head back in her hands. "...okay. So maybe I like it when she kisses me...".

And that was it. She was still there after she'd said it. The world didn't come to an apocalyptic end. Her head didn't explode. The tingling feeling lingered.

And there was Cake, tail twitching silently. "So you like gettin' kisses, but you still hate her. That about right?"

"...I think so."

A sigh. "But why?"

"I told you, I don't know!" Fionna wailed. "It's like...we get so angry at each other, and every time we get angry, we get emotional. It's almost like a battle of emotions, like which of us can out-feelings the other person! And with each swipe of the sword, I get more and more crazy emotional...I get so riled up and confused! She turns on that mad-embarrassed-crazy feeling every time she eggs me on until it feels like I'm BEGGING for her to just put an end to it! It's a battle, Cake! A battle I keep losing! She gets me so worked up, then moves in for a freakin' smooch and suddenly it's like...the most amazing thing ever! It's like the whole kiss and make up after a you've had a fight thing, only when you kiss and make up, that means the fight is over and you've lost! And that part makes me even MADDER! I seriously don't know how the plop to react to this!"

She buried her face in her lap, wrapping her fingers around her knees. Cake looked into the fire, shaking her head in full disapproval. "Fionna...I don't like admittin' this, but Ice Queen is totally right. What you're feelin' right now isn't even hate at all."

She pulled Fionna's head up, donning a grave expression. "It's so the opposite of hate...isn't it?"

"Oh no, I hate her alright," Fionna argued. "All the nasty things she does are completely not okay by my justice code! She kidnaps innocent sheeple, she stalks me like a maniac, she wants to KILL Flame Prince, she keeps playing the creepy 'I love you' game with me, even after I've made it super clear that I don't feel the same way--".

"But you DO feel the same way, Fionna!" Cake interrupted, hands on Fionna's cheeks. "You so totally do! You're just not admitting it!"

"Bluhhh, no! No, No, NO! I can't be in love with her! It's so wrong! Totally buttcrack wrong!"

"Get a hold of yourself, ya twerp!" Cake shouted, smacking her across the face.

She froze in place, completely stunned. "...I...okay...okay, I'm better now."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure...yeah...no...no, I'm totally not sure. Not at all! It's way super complicated, and I just...you're right, I admit it...I like being kissed. Even by her. Especially by her! It feels amazing, Cake...it explodes my brain, it's so good! It's like...uh, it's like...a steamy sauna in my soul, and lightning in my bones, and delicious freezing ice cream on my lips! I've just never felt that way before, and I...I legit love that feeling...".

Cake hung her head and grunted. "Not good, baby. Not good at all."

"BUT...".

"Butt?"

Fionna took a deep breath and exhaled. "But I can't legit love someone like her. She's completely wrong. She's a self-serving ice witch maniac. Kissin' be pooched, I just can't love her! I won't! She's evil! She's EVIL, and I'm righteous! Seriously, it just can't ever work!"

For a few minutes there was nothing but the crackle and snap of the fire to be heard. The sun had given up the stage and let the moon take center spotlight for the night, with the stars as its backup dancers. Cake slowly sat back down, back to the log. Her face fell into a disappointed frown. She opened her mouth to speak, but changed her mind and crossed her arms instead.

Fionna shifted her gaze from the moon back to the fire. Flame Prince was still out here somewhere, and she still had no idea what to do once she confronted him. She had assumed she could distract him long enough for Ice Queen to launch a surprise attack from behind, maybe knock him out, then carry him back to the Fire Kingdom and...ask the Flame Queen to lock him back up? That didn't seem like a particularly viable option, now that she thought about it. No other plans were springing to mind, though. And there was NO WAY she'd let the other queen kill him. Maybe that was her only option...to just wait for things to play out and make her decision when she came to that branch in the tree...

She sighed, heavy and loud. "Man, I hate romance."

Cake craned her head back and half-smiled. "You always have, Fi. You always have."

Leaning back and looking up into the star-studded stage overhead, Fionna pushed her tangled tuft of hair into place and relaxed, probably for the first time since they'd begun the journey that morning. "I don't even know why it's all of a sudden the most important thing ever."

"Well baby, I don't either. Just know that if it's important to you, it's important to me too, okay?

Fionna closed her eyes and smiled. "Thanks, Mo--thanks, Cake."

She wrapped an arm around Fionna's shoulder. "Sisters for life, girl!"

"Heh, yeah."

The perfect moment of sisterly bonding Cake had been planning took place right then and there. The stars, the fire, the emotions, it all flowed together in perfect, pristine harmony. A moment that would forever remain locked in both hers and Fionna's vault of treasured memories forever.

"I'm kinda hungry though," Fionna added.

"Aww come on, seriously? You just killed the moment, Fionna!"

"Sorry. But I am."

"How can you be though? You ate like five meals in one go today!"

"I dunno, I just get hungry."

"Yeah, well you're GONNA just get fat if you aren't careful!"

"Am not. Anyway, you think there's any good game hunting out here?"

"You serious right now, Fionna?"

"I think I hear something moving in the bushes."

"Are you even listening to me?"

"No, I'm listening to the bushes. Maybe it's one of those giant bunnies."

"My butt it is, it's probably just a mushroom monster."

"No," said the creature, emerging from the bush and standing to full height. "It's just me. Sorry."

Fionna picked up a branch from the fire and held it overhead. The firelight danced and reflected the dozens of glittering sparkles that formed the Ice Queen's hair. She stood among the thick brush with a tired, apprehensive look on her face.

"...how long were you there?" Fionna asked suspiciously.

"Just now making my way past here," the Queen replied. "I'll just go around you guys, I guess...".

She turned to follow the border of the woods up the side of the mountain. Judging from the tatters and tears in her tank top and shorts, Fionna assumed the mushroom beasts had likely gotten to her as well.

Well butts, she thought.

"...Ice Queen, wait."

She paused and turned her head. Cake put her hands on hips and glared at Fionna.

Fionna took a short breath, then scooted to one side of the log and patted the other side with her hand. "Just sit down."

Hesitantly, Ice Queen turned full body, glancing back and forth between her company. Cake retained her frown, while Fionna remained relaxed. She stared expectantly.

"So...Flame Prince..." Fionna prompted, again gesturing to the seat beside her. Ice Queen nodded slowly and took it.

Still suspicious, Cake took a seat next to the fire, the low light passing dramatic shadows across her face.

"Right," Fionna said, trying to remain cool and collected, "Are we close?"

Ice Queen nodded, reaching into her pocket. "Very close. He's probably hiding out right on this mountain."

"What's in the pocket, Queenie?" Cake asked.

Ice Queen ran a hand across her forehead, wiping the sweat-melt away, and produced a pearl-shaped gem no bigger than a marble. "Flame Shield," she said with a grin. "I've got two more, should you both want to use one."

"Ooh, cool." Fionna held out her hand, but Cake pushed it away.

"Nuh-uh. Me first. You know I still got no trust for this old witch."

Ice Queen responded with a shrug and placed the pearl in Cake's hand. "It may be best to save it for when we actually find Flame Prince, though."

Cake sat back down with a grunt. The queen handed Fionna the last pearl, placing her own back in her pocket. She looked upward to the summit of the mountain.

"He's likely up there," she said, pointing. "Up near the mouth of the volcano."

"Huh? This is a volcano?"

"Oh yeah," Cake realized. "This IS a volcano, isn't it? I almost forgot where we were. People even tell stories about this place!"

"Stories?" Fionna asked, a curious grin springing forth.

"Oh sure," Cake said, loosening up. "Legend says this place more than just some dumb mountain. There's some old folk tales floatin' around that say it's actually alive!"

"Naw!"

"Oh, I'm bein' for totes serious, girl! The whole mountain is a giant monster lyin' belly-up, and it spends most of the time sleepin'. But he ate a fire goddess a long long time ago, so there's always a buncha hot nasties bubblin' around in his guts! And when his tummy gets all kinds of upset, he starts pukin' lava all over the place and fartin' out the biggest smoke clouds you ever saw!"

"Ha! That's rad," Fionna said with a clap. "Totally gross, but rad!"

"Kinda spooky, if you ask me," said Ice Queen, flapping the neckline of her tank top and leaning away from the fire.

"Spooky? Really, Ice Queen?" Cake raised an eyebrow in her direction.

"All fire is spooky to an Ice Queen," she replied, panting. "Why do you think I'm in such a mood to get rid of this Flame Prince?"

Fionna looked away, rubbing her arm silently.

"So you're still set on destroyin' him?" Cake asked, running her fingers over the gem she'd received. "As opposed to say, imprisonin' or scarin' him off?"

"Well I WANT to," the queen ventured, "But I have a strong suspicion that Fionna simply won't let me. She must just lov--er, care about him too much."

Fionna flicked a small twig into the bonfire and shook her head. "It's not about me anymore. I know we gotta stop Flame Prince, my feelings about him aside. He's gone from being this cool hot kid in a jar to being a dangerous hothead doin' all kinds of scar damage all over the place. It's not safe no more. He totally ashed up the Tent Kingdom, burned holes in the forest, and he even threatened to melt the whole Candy Kingdom! He's a fire hazard now, and we gotta put him down while we have the chance."

A moment drifted past, followed by a sigh. "...no mention of what he did to me and MY kingdom, I see..." Ice Queen said, again wiping the melt from her forehead and trailing the hand down to her chest. Fionna glanced away, cheeks radiating bright pink.

"Oh, no, I didn't mean...I just figured, uh, y'know...including you cause you're sitting right here and...yeah...".

"It's understandable, I suppose," the queen admitted, bitterly. "Anyway, that just does nothing but help prove my theory about why Flame Prince attacked the Ice Kingdom in the first place."

"What theory?"

Pushing the loose hair from her face and re-pulling it all into a ponytail, Ice Queen took a deep breath and continued flapping her neckline to keep cool. "From what I understand, he's still very innocent, and probably didn't so much attack as just burn like the fiery candle he is. He probably wandered into the Ice Kingdom after you fainted, looking for a place to be alone. And he probably figured that since no one seemed to live there, and no one cared about the place, he might have assumed no one would miss it even if it were gone...".

Fionna bit her lip and stole a quick glance back at the queen. "Ice Queen...don't say that, I don't think that's true...".

"Why shouldn't it be?" she replied, reclining all the way back so that her head touched the ground behind them. "No one's going to care if the Ice Kingdom gets melted, no one ever goes there anyway. No one's going to care that the Ice Queen's stupid penguins are scared, they're just nuisances anyway. No one's going to miss the Ice Queen if she gets melted, she's just a creep, a weirdo, a stalker, a nightmare, and an all around waste of life. Isn't that what you said, Fionna?"

"Well...I...yeah, but...you make me sound like such a bad guy when YOU say it...I agree with that stuff, you're an evil butt bump, but even YOU don't deserve...to die...".

Ice Queen stared blankly at the stars overhead. "...so you wouldn't have killed me back there?"

Her face a red tomato, Fionna paused to think before settling on "...I can't kill people. Not even my mortal enemy."

There was a tsk of disapproval from Cake's general direction.

"Heh, can't live with me, can't live without me, eh?" Ice Queen said, now flapping the hem of her tank top.

"Oh I can live without you," Fionna muttered, unable to resist glancing over at the queen's exposed navel. " I just can't kill you."

"That's right, you can't," she replied with a hinted smirk, then followed with a reluctant "...but Flame Prince can."

Fionna sighed and hung her head. "That's why we're out here, Icy. We're here to put out the fire I never meant to start. I bombed it up, so I gotta clean it up and restore my hero's honor!"

"Way to go, baby!" Cake shouted, clapping. "Rock that responsibility!"

The Queen remained quiet a little longer. She frowned, then finally spoke: "How did it come to this, Fionna? How did that accursed Flame Prince know how to get to my domain?"

"Huh?" Fionna cocked her head and looked down, but turned away when her eyes met Ice Queen's. "Well, I'm pretty sure he would've just flown up there. I mean, he totally flies, right?"

Ice Queen pulled herself back up to a sitting position and stretched forward. "Yes, but who told him which way to go? Couldn't have been Gumball, that babe is a complete wimp and was probably hiding behind his gigantic palace door from the moment he set eyes on him."

"Um, actually--"

"And the only people who have even had contact with him are you, me, Cake, and Gumball, right?"

"...yeah...what exactly are getting at here, Queenie?

She pulled herself completely upright, looming tall beside Fionna. She bent at the waist and asked plaintively, "Fionna, did you send the Flame Prince to destroy me?"

Fionna looked up into a pair of weary, suspicious eyes. "...um...".

"I knew it!" She shouted, her finger aimed squarely at Fionna's nose. "YOU can't kill me, but you're not above sending some other sap to do your dirty work for you!"

Fionna jumped to her feet and stood on top of the log for better height. "Hey, it wasn't my fault! I just wanted to show him around the land ‘cause he asked me if I would! I can’t help that he's made of fire, and everything burns or melts wherever he puts his feet! It’s his problem, not mine!”

"No, I can see it all now!" Ice Queen went on, pacing as she continued her accusation. "You're disgusted with me for my behavior, which I’ll forgive, but you don't want to kill me because you have your pristine code of shining honor you have to follow. So you get around it by making friends with someone you KNOW will prove harmful to me and me SPECIFICALLY. Good, so now I can’t pester you as long as your friend is around and therefore I can’t cheese you off! BUT THAT ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! You want me out of your life for all time, so you never have to worry about me mucking your gunk up again! So you casually tell him about a place he can stay that isn’t your highly-combustible treehouse. A place where no one will care if he’s just being himself, because there’s nothing out there to care about! And that’s how you planned to get rid of me without sullying your good hero's name!"

"That's a lie, Ice Queen!" Fionna rebutted, grabbing the queen by her cold shoulders. "I never meant for it to go this far! So okay, maybe I did want to cause you some damage, get you off my back for a while, but I never wanted to KILL you! I don't WANT you dead!"

"And why not?" Ice Queen growled as she threw Fionna’s hands off of her. "What use do you have for me alive?"

"I...I can't...I want..." Fionna sputtered, struggling with hand motions. That familiar emotion was rising again. "I just...kind of....need you...to be alive...".

The queen blinked, taken aback. "You...need me?"

Fionna cast her gaze around the area, desperately searching for words to follow up with. Her mind was getting cloudy again. All thoughts were leading to another kiss. Her eyes moved from the fire to her feet to a very judgmental Cake and back to the queen. "...I...kind of need you...uh, to stop Flame Prince. Whatever's necessary. I'm helping you, remember? As your hero."

A pause. The queen spoke in a much calmer voice. "...as my hero. Yes. Of course."

The tension in the air dissolved slowly. Cake took a step down from red alert to amber and sat back down. Taking in a deep breath, Fionna stepped down off the log. “So...we’re okay now?”

Ice Queen nodded. “I vote we camp here for the night, try to get back on track in the morning.”

The three of them exchanged nods, a consensus reached. Fionna yawned and stretched her arms. She placed her hands on her lower back and arched her spine, pushing her chest out. Ice Queen fought back a snort, trying hard not to stare at the breasts being pushed toward her face. She masked it with “So...should we be discussing strategies before we sleep?”

“I dunno about you, but I think I’ve had about all the talk I can stand for one night,” Cake replied. “We should just sleep.”

“Fine by me, I suppose,” the queen agreed.

“And don’t you even think about cuddlin’ up all cozy with Fionna.”

“Relax, I know she doesn’t want that. I’m not stupid, Cupcake.”

“You better STOP calling me that, Ice Queen, I swear in the name of the Almighty Everything Burrito!”

Ice Queen shrugged and turned to Fionna. “So where are you sleeping then, tomboy?”

Fionna didn’t respond. She wasn’t even looking her in the eye. She seemed to be staring right through the queen, who was now wondering if the girl was developing x-ray vision and tried subtly to fix her clothes.

"Fionna? You listening to me?"

"Use Flame Shield. NOW." She pointed.

Ice Queen slowly turned to see Flame Prince himself hovering behind her, surrounded by several spinning halos of fire. His hair burned brightly, standing tall as its glow mingled with that of the campfire. His usual naive expression was gone. In it's place was a glaring frown of resentment.

Two large fireballs appeared in his hands.

"...oh."


	14. One Final Fireball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flame Prince is SEARING with anger! Fionna done him dirty, and he's ready for some retribution...or rather, validation? Closure, maybe? What was it he wanted? He seemed so hurt and confused...but he was definitely angry. Very angry. A real hot-head. The hottest head, even. Also, Ice Queen might die. Just wanted to make that abundantly clear here.

"...Flame Prince...", Fionna started, rising to her feet.

He held up a glowing hand to silence her. "I am disappointed it has come all the way to this...".

Her eyes shifted from queen to prince. "...come all the way to...?"

"I've heard everything, Fionna. Don't try to hide it any longer!"

 

She gulped, taking a step forward. "Okay...stay calm now."

"I am DONE staying calm!" he shouted, casting a fireball to the ground with his fist. "You have been plotting to off me this whole time, have you not? That bears no reason for me to stay calm!"

"No, prince, listen," she said, palms out. "I haven't been planning to off you. Really, I haven't. I'm not gonna kill you."

The prince's eyes narrowed and he slowly raised a hand, one flaming finger extended and pointing to the queen. "But she will."

Ice Queen frowned and crossed her arms, hand near her pocket. I knew saving the Flame Shield would be a wise idea, she thought proudly.

 

"No, not gonna happen like that," Fionna assured him in a low, calm voice. "I'm in charge here. I'm calling the shots. Nobody's going to kill you, not on my command."

"Lies," he returned, hand re-igniting in fire. "You were just now speaking about how to stop me, how to silence me."

"How to CONTAIN you," Fionna corrected. "You're a dangerous guy, and we seriously need to keep you under control so our world doesn't burn up. You've gotta understand that!"

He took a step forward, flaming finger raised to her face. "That is not fair! You would have me snuffed out, or at least imprisoned, as even my own mother had done to me! You are not being fair to me, Fionna!"

"I'm afraid that's life for you, Prince," Ice Queen spoke up, fondling the jewel in her pocket. "All royalty is destined to make sacrifices for the greater life."

"What life?!" he demanded. "A life of naught but solitude and forced duty? Hardly a life worth calling mine!"

"What duty, if I may ask?"

"My mandated, fruitless task," he said bitterly. "To light the kingdom in days and nights of darkness. To shine forth as a lamp's beacon, the lighthouse among molten seas!"

"Lighthouse?" Cake asked, scratching her head.

The prince closed his eyes. "Why else should I find myself imprisoned in that despicable lamp? Too hot-headed and unstable for this world, my duty as the prince was to shine forth as a beacon to the lost fire people, that they might find their way home. Pah! As if there might be any wayward fire-souls living outside the kingdom. And then when my mother reintroduced our brilliant 'Tu felix Regnus Ignim nube' campaign, my duty as a lamp evolved from that into attracting a potential mate, like a moth to an open flame. All and only for the good of our kingdom."

Ice Queen cocked a wispy eyebrow. "Well you're right about one thing, that does sound like a pretty terrible life."

"Yes, duh," Flame Prince responded before regaining his regal composure. "So you can therefore plainly see that I am well aware of life's relative unfairness...that is, until I was set free. None of you can fathom the importance I place on this newfound freedom."

Fionna looked down at her shoes. Guilt was stacking around her heart like a fort of broken bricks. She opened her mouth, but Ice Queen cut in before she could get a word out.

"I don't blame you for enjoying your sudden freedom." She pulled her hand from her pocket and held it behind her back. "But the fact remains, you are simply too dangerous to be kept roaming about in the open like you do. You'll melt all the things I hold dear in my life at the rate you're going!"

"Too dangerous to keep alive is still what I'm hearing," he responded through clenched teeth. "I can't help being what I am! And what I am is a living candle. Did I not tell you just that, Fionna? I can't stop being a candle!"

"Bad analogy," the queen argued, again cutting off Fionna’s attempted response. "A candle is confined to a lump of wax. You're a forest fire gone out of control."

"Not out of control," he said, rearing back. "FREE!"

He leaped up and crashed down fist-first into the ground where Ice Queen had been standing about a half-second ago. She rolled herself away and clambered to her feet. "Flame Shield!" she shouted, throwing the jewel to the ground. It exploded in a streaming blue light that encircled and enveloped her, invoking the spell's familiar barrier.

The prince rose to his feet and cut loose with a series of fiery jabs and kicks, fire bursting and blasting from his limbs with each thrust. The queen held her ground, blocking and dodging and occasionally firing back a bolt of ice. Fionna and Cake quickly followed suit, activating their Flame Shields to join the fray.

"So what exactly is our plan here?" Cake shouted as she shoved the prince to the ground from behind.

"Don't know, don't care!" Ice Queen replied, firing an ice arrow from between her fingers. It melted before even making contact. “Just get him!”

Rolling to his feet, the prince brought his fist around in a wide arc, which Fionna blocked with the broad side of her sword. She countered by planting her foot against his chest and shoving him off. Hesitantly, she took a defensive stance and waited for the prince to get back on his feet.

"Fionna!" Ice Queen growled, "If you plan on winning this fight, you're going to have to ATTACK him, not wuss around!" She produced her familiar ice blades in either hand and charged forward.

"But...!"

"No butts unless you're kicking his!"

"Unlikely!" The prince taunted as he stopped an oncoming ice blade between his palms, evaporating it almost instantly. He took a knee to the ribs and a kick to face for it.

"Come on, Fionna!" Cake joined in. "We could really use some help here!"

"...right!" Her voice was full of apprehension. She knew fighting was the best course of action at the moment, but something inside was holding her back. Regret? Self-doubt? The fact that she was siding with Ice Queen, which meant sympathizing with evil and therefore betraying her own alignment? Whatever it was, she only knew for certain that she needed to get over it, now.

For the good of all, right?

She ground her teeth together and dashed forward, sword at the ready. Flame Prince dropped low to avoid Cake's war club fist, just in time to sweep kick Fionna's ankles and send her tumbling face-first into the dirt. She quickly righted herself and took a wide swing at the prince, missing completely.

"I am hurt that even my so-called wife has turned on me," he said, hands ablaze and trailing fire wherever he waved them.

"Of course I did! You can't just go around attacking and mucking crud up with your hot bod, dude!" Fionna tried to argue, making another wild swipe. "I know you can't help it, but we gotta keep you under control!"

"I'm not attacking anyone, Fionna! I'm only being what I am!" He lashed out, sending a cascade of fireballs her way. "I never attacked your girlfriend, only came to her kingdom and by course of nature began melting everything around me. Her world simply was not ready for me."

"That's why you learn to adapt, dude! Control yourself to suit the world!"

"Why should I adapt to this world? This world should adapt to ME!"

She danced and twisted her way around the prince's onslaught, slowly advancing her way toward him. "Dude, you gotta give us time! We don't know HOW to deal with you yet! Your whole everything is like totally brand new to us!"

"You have had a hundred years now! Surely SOMEONE out there has been developing a stronger Flame Shield, or learning how to, as you so eloquently say, 'control' us!" He spun around in time to shut down the approaching Ice Queen with a fiery uppercut.

"Prince, you’re not being fair!"

He glared at her. "LIFE isn't fair...".

Fionna paused, teeth grinding, then charged forward, ducking under one final fireball before tackling and pinning him beneath the broad face of her sword. She straddled across his stomach, bearing down hard. "Is that your excuse for all the damage you've caused?” She growled. “Are you not even sorry?"

His body temperature was climbing with each moment. She could feel the fire inside, stoked by his own raging emotions, as it slowly ate away at her Shield. A familiar stinging sensation flashed across the parts of her body he’d burned last time.

"I am not sorry, Fionna," he said in a low voice. "You knew the risks, yet you touched my flame anyway. You disregarded the warnings of your cat and your womanfriend. YOU are just as much to blame as I am for your own pain!"

She pressed down on him harder, the crystal sword slowly melting against his body. Her teeth were clenched so hard they ached, and she was visibly fighting back tears. He was right. She had been the one who started it all. All the fires, all the scars, all the drama brought into Ice Queen’s life had grown out of decisions she’d made.

“...Flame Prince...I’m--”

CRACK!

She instinctively rolled backwards off the prince just in time to see a huge shaft of ice come crashing down atop his chest. The sharp tip had melted in the intense body heat before it made contact, though; the resulting blow felt more like being hit with a hammer than being impaled. Struggling to catch his breath, he scrambled to his knees and crawled out of the way before Ice Queen landed, ice blade sticking into the earth. As a parting move, he somersaulted to his feet and hurled a fireball in her direction. Missed.

"You let him escape, Fionna!" the queen hissed, picking herself up. "What the flake were you thinking?!"

"What was I thinking? What were YOU thinking?!" She held out her sword, disapprovingly scowling at the melty warped section left by the prince. "You could taken my head off!"

Ice Queen spit to one side. "I was aiming for his."

"Same," the prince coughed, striking a defensive pose.

"Go! Hit him! Now!"

"What? I can't! Not now! I mean, look at this sword!"

"If you can't hit him then you're of no use to me!" she screamed. "You may as well run on back home, you little COWARD!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!" Fionna stormed her way up the queen.

The moment she got there, both were thrust to the ground by a fire burst, landing together in a tangled heap. Fionna spit out a mouthful of white hair. The queen pulled herself up, her hand accidentally cupping a breast not her own. Their eyes made glaring contact for a half a moment, only to shift focus over to the prince again as he approached them.

"You both shall fail to incapacitate me" he said, blazing hands at the ready. "I thought perhaps a chance for the acceptance of my people might yet exist, but I have been proven wrong. So be it. But let me say this. Though you may never treat us as equals, I will be the better and accept your intolerance. You will continue not tolerating me as long as I live. And continue to live I shall...at the expense of your own safety."

"What are you prattling about?" Ice Queen demanded.

"No longer shall I stay contained!" he shouted, putting fist to palm. "I have been liberated, and like a wild blaze I shall remain so! I refuse to again be imprisoned by my own personage, even at the price of this world's well-being! My life is mine to live, and I need not look out for the safety of those who will not give the same unto meeyeEEKH!--"

"Quick, somebody do somethin'!" Cake shouted, holding the prince upside-down by the ankle with her tail. "While I still got Flame Shield!"

Checking her own fading shield, Fionna stepped up. "FP, I got no issue with you being free, really. I'm not trying to take away your identity or any junk like that." The sword raised to point at his chest. "But if you're gonna do it by screwing up and down all of OUR stuff, then we got issues. I can't allow that biz, hero's honor."

She spun on her heel and hit him hard in the stomach with the broad side of the blade. Between the intense heat and the force of the swing, physics kicked into play and the crystal blade sheared off in two. The prince doubled at the waist in pain, then very suddenly changed form. His entire body become a raging fireball, and he slipped right out of Cake's grip, spreading himself out into a roaring mass.

"IS THIS THE GAME YOU WANTED TO PLAY, FIONNA?!" He shouted in a crackling, burning voice. "IF YOU ARE SO KEEN ON PROTECTING YOUR WORLD, THEN SHALL WE SEE IF YOU CAN STOP IT FROM BURNING TO ASH?"

She made a move to dash forward, then stopped, staring in shock at her stump of a sword. Nearly all of the blue glow from the Flame Shield had worn off, and the familiar sensation of being enveloped in heat washed over her once again. She stepped back and stared helplessly at the fire, completely at a loss for plan of action.

Ice Queen picked up the slack and dashed forward, blistering flurries of powder snow bursting from her hands. "Fionna! Get your head out of the sand and let's MOVE!"

"But...but I don't have anything else I can use! I can't punch fire!"

"This is real bad, ladies!" Cake shouted, pulling Fionna back from the imminent flames. "He's gonna ignite the whole globbin' forest!"

"HELP ME THEN!" Ice Queen screamed, leaping back beside them and away from the firewall. "I can't fight him alone!"

"Ice Queen, this ain't workin'! We need a plan! We shoulda had one before we even got into this clusterbomb!"

"Clusterbomb nothing, this is a straight-up firefight now!"

Fionna’s swimming head suddenly began to calm as an idea revealed itself. She shook her head and cast her broken sword aside as she landed back in reality. "There's no time to plan, Cake. We can't always have a plan...sometimes we just gotta roll with it!"

With that, she grabbed Cake's arm and started running uphill. "Fionna, what the hayloft?! Don't you remember how we got in this mess in the first place? We are NOT takin' on another one of your totally dingus ideas!"

"No time to argue!" she insisted, tugging Cake along. "Ice Queen, get ready to try something really, REALLY big, okay?"

The queen frowned, then dutifully nodded and dashed back into the forest.

"What the what?? Did she just ABANDON us?" Cake flailed in disorientation. "WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S GOIN' ON?!"

"Cake," Fionna said in the most serious tone she could manage while huffing her way uphill, "Do you trust me?"

"Not one flippin' blip, no!"

"Well too bad! I'm gonna make this work! I just hope you still got enough Flame Shield for it...".

By this time, the blazing wall that was Flame Prince had taken notice of his adversaries' departure and started a swift pursuit after them, razing the greenery beneath him while lighting up the night.

"So you givin’ out any clues on what this incredible plan of yours is?" Her claws involuntarily extended, digging into Fionna's arm. "It better not involve usin' me as your personal shield, neither!"

"Nope," Fionna said with a slight wince as they neared the peak. "We're fighting fire with fire!"

"Not with ice?"

Before a response could be uttered, they found themselves completely encircled by crackling flames. Fionna scooped Cake up in her arms, much to her protest, and backed up closer to the summit. Closer to the open rim of the volcano.

"Flame Prince, wait!" she said, holding out her free hand.

"No."

In one big rush, the flames gathered together, coalescing into one full-sized conglomerate blaze, which then shrunk and condensed itself back into the shape of Flame Prince. He lunged forward and grabbed Fionna by the shoulders, his hands burning right through her shirt and charring the bare skin beneath. Ow. Ow.

"Tell me Fionna," he said scathingly, "why I should not simply push you and your cat right into this volcano's bubbling blood. You have both proven that naught but my destruction will satisfy either of you. For what reason am I to allow you to live on?"

"No, Prince, listen!" Fionna begged, biting back tears from the singeing pain in her shoulders. "I admit it, I was gonna try to destroy you. I thought I could use you to get back at my enemy, that was the only reason I came to see you that first time. I only wanted you for your hot bod...and that was wrong."

A small tongue of fire licked over the prince's lips as he brought his hands away from her shoulders, down her arms to elbow level. He still held them tightly, skin still burning against hers. Ow. "So...you never intended to marry me. Not once did you truly want to be my wife. This a very bitter notion and it is not improving your case for salvation, Fionna."

"I know, I know!" she said, eyes moistening over. "That was wrong of me! I shouldn't have tried to use you like that. I get that now! That's why I wanna make peace with you and basically plead for our lives!"

Cake looked up at her questioningly, fighting back the urge to take action against the prince herself. No, she told herself, you'll mess up Fionna's plan and she'll never forgive you. Gotta let her play this out her own way.

"You say you're willing to recompense," he continued, leaning forward and holding her out over the rim. "But I have yet to hear a sound reason for me to keep you alive!"

"Prince, no! Don't!" she cried, quite literally. "You gotta understand! I'm willing to change! I legit wanna be your friend here! I wanna get to know you more, try to understand your people so I can accept you into this world! I'm not gonna try to kill you anymore, I'm not gonna try to put you down! I can't even do that, you're too powerful for me! I realize all that now, and I just want to put all this behind us so we can go back to the way it could have been when I first met you!"

Flame Prince watched as she struggled in his hands, tears flowing in tiny streams down her cheeks. He could almost hear the flesh burning as he moved his hands further up her forearms, fabric turning to ash beneath them. Conflicting feelings of anger, vengeance and sorrow swirled around in the pit of his stomach, rising up into his heart. He needed to make a decision. Now.

He released her arms. In the fraction of a second she began to fall backward, barely a breath of time, Cake fell out of her arms and the prince snatched her by the neckline of her shirt, pulling her back to safety at the cost of burning a straight chasm down the middle of it. The shirt was now a tattered vest. She clutched her heaving chest as she landed on her knees, tears still falling from the pain of seared skin.

The prince looked down on her. "For being such a champion, you have undeniably proven weak against fire."

She turned her head up, looking first at Cake, then at Flame Prince, then at the volcano. "...that's because I can't fight fire...WITH ANYTHING BUT FIRE!”

Cake knew a cue when she saw one. She swept her tail at the prince's ankles, throwing his balance, then jumped into an overhead kick, connecting with his jaw and sending him tumbling right up and over the rim.

And that was, in fact, a second cue. A glowing silhouette to the girls’ right flew high into the air, shining vibrantly against the moonlit column of smoke pouring from the mountain’s mouth. Lava's glow revealed a familiar face as the silhouette's brilliant form took perch on the rim and released an enormous surge of blinding arctic energy.

Fionna and Cake both scrambled to the rim to get a better view. Against the glare of the ice magic, Fionna barely caught sight of the prince as he surfaced from within the magma, body radiating brighter than ever. All around him the lava began to supercool from the sheer force of the queen's magic, solidifying into solid rock.

He raised his hands in defiance, casting fireballs to the surface. Fortunately for the queen, Flame Shield had not yet given up and absorbed some of the blows. The rest she took head-on, leaving sharp cracks on her skin. The prince flailed for a moment in desperation, watching the lava slowly solidify all around him. He took a deep breath.

Focusing all the energy left inside him, he arched back and screamed, bringing the whole mountain to rumble from it's very core. The remaining lava shifted and swirled. "Get down, it's gonna blow!" Cake screamed, tackling Fionna and rolling with her down the mountainside.

"Not yet!" said the queen, continuing her assault. "I've almost got him!"

"No, NOW!" Cake shouted back.

The ground heaved as a burst of noxious gases spewed forth from the volcano’s maw with a deep, gut-wrenching belch. The impact sent the queen flying into the distance. Fionna strained her eyes against the night sky to follow the body. THERE. She had been thrown back into the forest.

The smoke billowed and bellowed out of the top of the mountain, but the rumbling slowly began to subside. A few loose rocks skittered down the slopes, and the air was choked with an acid stench.

"Is...that it?" Cake asked hesitantly. "No lavabombs or nothin' like that?"

The mountain resembled nothing more than a giant, stinking chimney now.

"I'm a little more worried about the prince than the lava," Fionna said. "Should we go up and scope what happened to him?"

Cake brushed herself off. "I ain't goin' back up there, not without another Flame Shield."

Looking down to examine the battle damage she'd taken, Fionna responded with "So I guess we'll just trust that Old Snowballs did her job right and he's basically a goner. Speaking of which, we’d better go find her right quick."

Cake cocked an eyebrow. "Right now? Why? She can take care of herself."

"You don't know that," Fionna said, jogging back down to the campfire, which, amazingly enough, was still slow-burning. She snatched up a mid-sized branch from the firewood pile, ignited the end, then held it overhead like a torch. "Besides, it's a hero's duty to ensure that the citizen asking her for assistance comes out okay in the end. So I gotta go make sure her end is okay."

A sigh. "Fi...".

"Look, you can come with me or you can stick around to see if Flame Prince is still alive and still wants to kill us. Your choice."

Cake shook her head disdainfully, but followed her nevertheless back into the forest.

"You're insane," she said, stepping over a fallen log. "Just hopin' you were aware of that little tidbit."

"Don't give me those cramps, Cake. I had to do something crazy. Something he wouldn't expect. How else could I get him to hold still long enough for you to jank him down?"

“You lied, too.”

“What, about wanting to be his friend? I had to lie, Cake. I had to get him to let his guard down.”

“And here I thought I raised you better...”.

“Oh hush. We made it out alive. And we did it because I’m an awesome on-my-toes thinker!”

"Yeah, one that doesn’t even let her teammate know what’s up first...I was flippin' SCARED, girl!"

"Eh, I knew you'd pick up on it," Fionna glazed, "You and me, we got this psychic link thingy where we know what the other person's thinking like, usually all the time!"

"No we don't."

"Whatevs."

"You see?" Cake said, pointing, "You see that right there? That shrug-off thing you do, that's what bugs me! That's disrespectful and a good example of bad communicatin'! No wonder I can't trust you on barely nothin'!"

"You still gotta learn to flex more," Fionna responded as she tried unsuccessfully to pull the edges of her burnt shirt together. "I told you, I make stuff up as I go!"

"Well butts to you then! I got no time for your unpredictable brain games, you hear me? You wanna play the wildcard, you do it with Ice Queen. And KINDLY leave me out of it."

Whether against the chill of the night or the very personal thoughts that had gone through her head just now, Fionna shivered and took stock of her situation. She was certainly cold, probably due to the sudden extreme change in temperature. Her sustained burns didn't seem to be causing her much pain at the moment, though that may have just been shock. Or maybe numbness from the air temperature? Maybe not. It was cold out here, but mostly just in that familiar way that makes your hair and sometimes nipples stand on end. She stopped to adjust her bra with her free hand and noticed something familiar lying on the ground at her feet.

"Hey, I found her tiara!"

She picked it up, brushing away the tangled moss and wet leaves it had accumulated on impact. The queen was nowhere in sight. Must have fallen when she got blasted...

As it rested heavily in her hands, she swore she could hear the faintest wind-whisper on the edge of hearing that bore the words "Take me back...".

Okay, that part HAD to have been her mind.

"We should probably find the queen and get this back to her," Fionna said, squinting into her dark surroundings. "She might die without her crown."

Cake rolled her eyes. "Ooh, and we just can’t have that, can we, lover girl?"

"Shush. I told you, I can't let her die. I'm on a hero's mission quest thingy, I got a responsibility to make sure I fulfill it."

Cake replied by sticking out her tongue.

Fionna turned her attention back to the search. The more she tried to focus, the more she realized it might be impossible to locate the queen, bright skin and all, in the darkness of night. She might have to wait until morning at this rate.

The faint whisper returned, whispering another word. She had to really concentrate to hear it this time. "Divination..." it sounded like.

Divination? That weird outstretched hand thing Ice Queen used to find the prince in the first place? What about it? Use it to find the queen too? Wait, how did I come to THAT conclusion? 

And why am I listening to something I’m probably probably imagining?

Some deep, hidden brain process began spinning. She really didn’t have any other bright options, did she? Something tugged at her brain and compelled her to give it a shot. She passed the torch to Cake, who gave her a weird look.

Holding the tiara at her hip, she outstretched her other hand and closed her eyes. She pictured the forest as she was just able to see it, and cleared her mind. The whole world fell away from her mind’s eye bit by bit. She was falling into a sea of imagination. It swirled around her to form a thin vapor fog, replacing everything with a wispy mist of transparent smoke.

And there she could see herself in the middle of it all, balanced precariously atop what looked like a high flagpole. She was watching from some other perspective, like an out-of-body trip. This other Fionna had one hand probing outward, seeking something. From her point of view down on the ground, she tried to reach out to the image of herself. The image mirrored her, reaching out in the same direction, further away from her. It seemed that although she was seeing herself from beyond her body, her motions still controlled it.

Curious, she tried turning away from the image of herself and reaching out in the opposite direction. She felt a tug on her wrist. It pulled her forward, down off the flagpole. She walked forward. She couldn't see herself coming, but felt she was getting closer. Something called her name in the distance, but the voice was warped and muted. She knelt down and brought her hand down slowly, cupping a shoulder.

A very cold shoulder.

In an instant, she fell back into full consciousness and quickly darted her eyes around the scene. Trees. Fallen logs. Moss. Cold. Long white hair, draped haphazardly over a tangled net of underbrush.

She realized where she was. She had found the queen, lying unmoving on the ground, and was kneeling beside her. Cake stood just behind, arms crossed and frowning. "Are you even listenin' to me?"

"Huh?" She set the tiara next to the queen's head and looked back up to her sister. "Was that you calling my name?"

"Who else would it be, doofus? What the hex happened to you, anyway?"

Fionna blinked. "...I think I might have just used the tiara. It told me to divine my way to Ice Queen."

"You did what?!" exclaimed Cake, nose to nose and pinching her cheeks. "Girl, that ain’t safe! You have any idea how much trouble that coulda got you in just now?"

"Yeah, yeah," Fionna said dismissively, pushing her away. "Point is I found her and here she is."

"That’s all you’re worried about right now? Really? She looks already dead, anyway."

Fionna rolled the queen on her back and looked her over. The blast had not been kind at all. Her face was smoke-charred and cracked, with purple blood smeared and dripping in many places. Her hair was a tangled, frizzy mess, but interestingly enough hadn’t lost its familiar sheen. Her clothes were in complete shreds. A long purple gash tore all the way up her thigh.

After a moment, Fionna smacked her cheek. "Queenie? Ice Queen, you dead?" No response.

"Well is she breathin'?"

She put an ear up to the queen's mouth to see if she could hear anything.

"Put your head on her chest, you dope."

Fionna licked her lips and felt the familiar pink rushing to her face. She had been hoping to avoid this part. Cautiously, she stretched herself out across the queen's body and laid her head down against her chest, cheek nestled safely among her exposed breasts. She noted that they were predictably cold, but also quite soft. Less like ice and more like snow. "Yeah, she's breathing."

"Good," Cake said firmly. "Then let's get outta here, find us some real shelter or somethin'."

Fionna picked herself up, sitting on her knees. "Cake, we can't leave her by herself. She's unconcho, what if something happens to her?"

"Not our problem, girl. Now let's go."

There was a hesitant pause. "...no."

"Fionna..." she warned.

"No, Cake. I gotta stay with her, at least until she can get up."

Cake threw her hands in the air and groaned. "Why? Can't stand to be separated from your girlfriend?"

"Cake, you stuff that mouth right now. She's just...she's all kinds of jacked up right now. I am too. We should stick close by, stay together. In case something else happens."

"Like what? And even if somethin’ WERE to jump us, we’d be one girl down. No, I don't like it. Not a good plan at all."

"Well what if I DO like it?" Fionna asked, again trying to adjust her ripped shirt. "You're not the only boss, you know."

"Fionna, it is MY TURN to make a call here. All your decisions do nothin' but get us deeper and deeper into a nasty pool of poo water! It's not fair to me at all!"

"So now you're abandoning your hero's honor just because you think all the shots I call are bad? What's up with that? I thought you were gonna trust me more!"

"Yeah, trust ya to make the right decisions, not just try to save your enemy cause you're dyin' for more ice cream smooches!"

"Cake, knock it off! You're being a major wad!"

Disgusted, Cake turned away shaking her head. On some inner level she must have suspected that there was some truth to the statement, but she actively refused to show it on the outside. She opened her mouth to speak, but Fionna cut her off.

"...so I think I have an actual, legit plan this time."

Cake turned back to face her and waited to hear it.

"...if we take her back to her Ice Palace, she'll be safe, and we'll be safe too. We can spend the night there, even. Nobody will try to come attacking."

There was a moment's consideration. "...you sure you wanna go back to that creeper's cove?"

Fionna shrugged. "Beats taking her back to OUR cove."

Considering it a moment, Cake nodded in assent. "Yeah, the only threat we’d get up there would be if Flame Prince survived and sniffed us out. That doesn’t seem too likely, though. And I guess if you're so bent on keepin' this old hag safe, the least we can do is try to keep us safe too.”

She looked down at the ground and quietly added, “...that's actually some pretty good thinkin' there, lugnut. Maybe you do call some good shots after all...sometimes."

"...thanks Cake," Fionna said with a smile. She rose up to a squat and lifted Ice Queen's head. "If I carry her, will you carry me until we get to her cave?"

Again Cake nodded. She helped Fionna gather up the queen, firmly affixed the tiara atop her head, then slung her over Fionna's shoulder. She was heavier than Fionna had expected. Upon realizing that there was no better handhold for her to use than the queen's plush rump, her face went tomato red. Never had she been more thankful for a night sky to hide behind.

Alright Ice Queen, you'd better appreciate this when you get up, she thought to herself. I took care of the problem I started, made sure you didn't die, and now I'm even driving you home. So don't you even try dying on me, got it? I'm putting out too much to have your purpley blood on my hands...

Just stay alive, you witch. Fight for your life. Even someone as weird and creepy and annoying as you deserves to live. Just please...don't die on me.

And again, just on the edge of hearing, she was sure she heard a whisper that sounded like "Long live the queen..."


	15. I'm Supposed To Hate You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the Queen rescued by the ever-righteous Fionna, Cake helps drag the whole party back to Ice Queen's cave, where Fionna vows to...take care of her? As part of standard hero service? Because she feels like she owes it to the creeper who's been plaguing her thoughts for weeks now? Or because she's just a curious young newcomer to the all-consuming throes of physical desire? Maybe she just wanted to confirm whether or not the Queen's eyebrows were actually real.

There wasn't much Fionna could do about the shivering while up in the biting cold of the Ice Mountains without a sweater or heavy snowpants, much less a shirt with a gigantic slash down the center. She kept cuddled to herself, fingers tightly gripping patches of Cake's hair as Ice Queen lay propped up against her bare shins. Not that the touch of the queen's super-chilled skin was helping any. Her hair seemed to make a decent windbreaker, though. She had discreetly draped it around her legs for whatever extra bit of warmth she could scrape together.

"Fi, if you're cold, lemme just be the first to inform you that I TOLD you we shoulda gone back to the treehouse first!"

"Hush," said Fionna. "It'll be much warmer...er, I mean less colder once we get inside the cave."

Cake shook her head but didn't respond. She just kept high-stepping her way upward, through the bottomless blankets of snow, ears flat against her skull and eyes squinted. It was only a light dusting of flakes drifting down, but the quick, freezing breezes brought them in clustered clouds that built up quickly if left unchecked.

As the mouth of the queen's crystal cavern drew closer, Fionna felt her eyes slowly closing. She recalled the last time she had been here, how the treacherous mountains had defeated her with such ease. Even this time, though much calmer, they were indeed formidable. Of course, it didn't help that she was in no shape to be trekking up them in the first place.

Soon...we'll be there soon, she told herself. A nagging voice in the back of her head demanded to know how a cave made of ice could be so much of an improvement over a mountain made of snow. A louder voice told that one to suck a goat.

Hunching forward, Fionna again put her ear against the queen's chest. Still breathing, good girl. You're almost home. You're almost outta my hair. For now. Wait, what's gonna happen after you wake up? You're just gonna come after me again somehow, aren't you? This whole Flame Prince debacle was just a simple distraction, and now you're gonna get right back on track with your weird romancey jive...glob it. I'm gonna have to conjure up a new plan...

...or maybe not? My last "plan" didn't exactly work, did it? I almost wrecked a whole bunch of kingdoms, almost died like three or four times, and it only got me closer to the queen instead of farther away. Man, I'm such a dope. Ugh.

...maybe I should just do what I'm best at and think on my feet. No plans. No backfires. No sass from Cake. I'm sure I can figure this mess out. I'm sure I can...

She remained silent the rest of the way up, unable to sleep despite the overwhelming fatigue her body kept insisting she attend to. Cake would have used the opportunity to deliver an important speech, but of two things she was certain: one, Fionna wouldn't listen or heed her words right now, and two, opening her mouth would inevitably fill it with falling snow, which didn't sound all that pleasant. She kept it shut instead, humming a tuneless song.

When at last they reached the summit, Cake quickly downsized as Fionna hoisted the queen back up over her shoulder and stepped down onto the sheer ice floor. She was grateful that the ice in here wasn't at all slippery, though she did wonder why that was so. How was this ice any different from regular ice? Was it even ice at all? Was it just some weird magical concoction that Ice Queen had cooked up? 

"Well, we're here," said Cake, derailing that train of thought. She gestured around the entrance hall. "Wanna just dump her against that statue or somethin'? We can keep watch right here on the front lines 'til she wakes up, then scoot right outta here and get back to our lives."

"Come on Cake, does she look like she's ready for front line duty?"

"She ALWAYS looks like duty to me."

Fionna frowned, then yawned. "Come on, let's get her to her bed. Beds are a righteous place to wake up."

"You look like you could use a bed yourself, ya little trouper," Cake said, leading the way. "Don't tell me you're bunkin' with old bubblebooty here."

"Noooo," she rolled the word as she adjusted her grip on the bubblebooty in question. "I don't even wanna think about what's in that bed of hers. I didn't even use it when I camped out here last time."

"No? Where'd you sleep then?"

"Oh, uh...the floor."

"What? Why would go and do that?"

"Well, y'know...I kinda got my butt served to me that night. Like, served on a golden plate with special sauce. This place marshed my mallows pretty hard. I was gonna stay up all night keepin' watch, then I kinda fell down from tiredness and got covered in penguins and...yeah. Penguins make nice blankets."

"Hmm, can't argue with that logic. Penguin blankets sound pretty sweet...penguets. Blanguins. Bedguins."

Fionna couldn't hold back a giggle. "Basically, yeah."

"Okay, so we bunk on the floor, that's doable. Wouldn't be the first time, right? What about food?"

Fionna's eyes widened. Food. She hadn't eaten in what felt to her like days now. The ever-insatiable beast gurgled to life in the empty pit of her belly. She put her free hand over it to quiet it down as she rounded the corner into the queen's bedroom.

"Well, y'see...basically, when I woke up, SOMEONE had already made breakfast and left it there, all warm and delicious, right? So I just kinda...helped myself."

Cake frowned as she kicked away crumpled scraps of paper and cleared off the surface of the bed. "Ice Queen made you breakfast? Already? Dang, she is movin' quick. She must really wanna get with you...how much exactly did you eat?"

"Uhhh...".

"Stupid question, I know," she grumbled, gesturing for Fionna to lay the queen down. "You and food, Fionna. If Ice Queen doesn't end up bein' your girlfriend, food will. I know you too well. Still pretty unsettlin' that you ate her cookin' though. Now I'm REALLY worried."

"You mean you weren't already?" she replied dryly as she gently laid Ice Queen on the bed, taking special care to sort out her massive fields of hair so that she wouldn't get tangled up in her sleep. "Besides, her cooking is amazing, and you're a donkus if you try to tell me different."

"I ain't arguin', Fionna!" Cake said, suddenly defensive. "I KNOW what her cookin's like! I LIVED with her, ya dope! She used to cook for me all the globbin' time and I KNOW how amazing it was...".

"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting about that."

"What I'm gettin' at though," she said, making a conscious effort to cool herself down, "Is that her cookin' has a way of gettin' from your mouth right into your brain."

"Huh?"

"If SHE doesn't seduce you first, her food will. Her cookin's somethin' I've missed since the moment I left her...".

Cake turned and took a few steps toward the bedroom door, her face distant, lost in thought and memory. Fionna stared at her for a few moments, mentally sifting through a variety of potential sentences she could use here. She wanted to say something, but whatever emotion Cake was feeling at that moment, she was unable to pinpoint it exactly...was she sad about leaving the queen's side? Bitter because they could never get along? Angry? If I knew a little more about this whole thing, I might know what to say...

Without realizing, the words that came out aloud were: "How come you never talk about her, Cake? How come we never jive about what happened between you and her?"

Shaking her head and snapping back into the waking world, Cake turned back to face her and said quite plainly "'Cause. It's upsettin'. I don't wanna go down that lane in memory world."

"But why not?"

"Don't we have more important things to worry about right now anyway? Like eatin' and gettin' our strength back up? Didn't you just say you really wanted some food?"

Ah, the magic word. "Glob, yes. Food. We need food. I'm freakin' starving."

"'Course you are," Cake said, side-eyeing Fionna's belly. "Gotta find SOME way to shut that thing up. I'mma go raid the kitchen, see if I can't rustle up somethin' to eat, okay? You stay here and keep an eyeball on old thunder thighs."

"You sure you don't need any help?"

"You don't even know how to cook, Fi."

"You should teach me, then!"

"Please," Cake rolled her eyes. "Fionna, if you learned how to cook for yourself, you'd never STOP!"

She stuck out her tongue. "Whatever, miss rude boots. I could stop if I wanted to."

"Right," Cake responded with a flick of her tail. "So yeah, you chill here while I whip up some midnight snacks."

With that, she left the room for the kitchen, leaving Fionna alone with her nemesis, stalker and would-be girlfriend. Ugh, don't think of it like that, she told herself. She is so NOT my girlfriend. So I admitted the thing about the kiss, big deal. Kisses are just plain nice! Everybody likes a little smooch once in awhile, right? Totally not a big deal! That doesn't make her my girlfriend!

And anyway, why would I wanna get with Ice Queen anyway? That'd be like giving up the eternal battle of good against evil, giving in to what SHE wants. I've never surrendered to her before! I've never surrendered to anyone, and I sure as heck ain't startin' now! I'm gonna be her enemy forever!

She glanced over at the queen again. Eyes closed and breathing softly, she looked deceptively peaceful. Fionna had never seen her this relaxed, this serene. Lying there completely surrendered to slumber, she had never looked more unequivocally normal. Blood and bruises aside, of course.

Part of her was waiting on edge for the queen to suddenly snap back to consciousness, lick clean her wounds, then pounce like a cougar. She could see the whole scene in her head, and it only led to an ending involving a lot of up-close and physical contact. Ugh, no. Brain, why would you think that?

With a loud sigh, she threw herself shoulder to the wall and surveyed the room. There's gotta be something I can do while I wait for her to wake up...or for the food to be ready. Urgh, I shouldn't even be this hungry, I ate like a freakin' maniac just this morning...then again, I was out adventuring all day after that...bluh, I'm just doomed to get fat and die from donut overdose, aren't I?

No, she decided firmly. Gotta do something else. Don't focus on food. Something to occupy my mind. Anything.

Her eyes landed on a nearby scrap of paper on the floor. Unwrinkling it, she read aloud:

In time alone, where love shall rest  
I'll keep your face between my breasts  
Your picture within my locket  
Hold me closely, gentle and still  
Sliding your fingers down farther until  
The slip inside my pocket

She paused, unsure whether she should continue reading. Her stomach growled loudly. She discarded that page and traded it for another rumpled scrap that read:

Powder blanket, fluffy pillow  
Heavy pants, zipper fickle  
Frosted face, ice reflects  
Tongue is trapped, stiff icicle

She stared for a minute, the words blurring together as she tried to stitch together what, if anything, such nonsense could possibly mean. She wondered if that sort of writing came from the queen's own mind, or if her tiara had some influence on it.

She retrained her focus to said tiara, resting gently atop Ice Queen's thick mat of hair. What's that thing making you think of, queenie? Does the tiara give you all these bonko ideas about me? Or do you just really like messin' with sweet little girls' heads?

Not that I'm a sweet little girl, she snorted. I'm a raving, roving, revved-up racer!

She clutched her stomach. One that's really outta fuel right now...no, can't think about food! Something else! Something else!

She wondered if Ice Queen had a secret diary somewhere. Something small and discreet baring her every insecurity, her every weakness. Something jotted down in private, revealing in flowery, cursive letters all of her most sacred thoughts.

She stared blankly at the queen's face. The sudden desire to know everything about her clicked inside her brain.

What do I even know about her? she asked herself. I know her as the Ice Queen, but she's old. Really old! Who was she before she was a queen? Was she a princess? Was there ever an Ice King? Well, outside of her creepy fan fictions, anyway? How did she even get so fox-tail crazy?

She slowly resurfaced from her thoughts, eyes trailing along the battle damage running up and down the queen's body. Purple blood had dried and formed painted patterns along the curve of her cheek and down the front of her chest. Her arms were laced with long cuts and scratches, probably from the impact against the trees after she was thrown from the volcano. A deep blue bruise had taken root on the inside of one thigh.

Maybe I should get these wounds cleaned up, Fionna mused. I mean...do I really have anything better to do while I wait for that food? It'd probably be the good, heroic thing to do. Ew, but that means I'll see all of her kibbles and bits. I don't need none of that jazz!

She smacked her lips.

...guess I've seen worse, being an adventurer and all. If I can handle going headfirst down a giant cockroach's gullet, I can sure as donk handle Ice Queen's bubble bags.

After another moment or two spent wrestling against her internal apprehension, she went and grabbed a towel from the bathroom across the hall, moistened it with unsurprisingly cold water from the tap, then returned to the bedroom.

She put the towel to the queen's face, gently rubbing away the caked blood from beneath her eyes. It felt a little surreal to be the one cleaning up this sort of mess when she was usually the one to cause it.

She frowned as she slicked both of the queen's long, silken eyebrows. Why am I even helping her out at all? she asked herself. I shouldn't be helpful here, I should be hating her for all the nasty, creepy things she's done to me!

She automatically moved to wiping down the neck and chest. No, I'm doing what I should be doing. I'm being a good hero. I'm helping her get back on her feet so she doesn't die. At least until I've fulfilled her request for my hand in heroics. She asked for it, and I'm honor-bound to see this through to the last little bit!

She followed a long gash down the queen's neck until disappeared beneath her tank top. Fionna took note that pulling it off over her head would get caught and tangled in her boundless hair, so she grabbed it on either side of the seam beneath the arm and pulled apart hard, tearing a full line from top to bottom. Snapping the straps over her shoulders, Fionna proceeded to remove Ice Queen's top entirely. She followed suit with the fancy, lace-trimmed bra beneath, casting both to the floor.

See, this is no big deal, she told herself as she laid the queen back down on her back and resumed cleaning the purple gash. Nothing you haven't seen or even dealt with before. I don't even know why you even thought to make a big deal out of it in the first place. They're just lady lumps. Heh. They're even kind of cute; little icy blue nubs poking up out of a pair of snowballs. It's like her body was making tiny snowmen on her chest, and used icicles for noses.

Now she was stifling a giggle. With Ice Queen out cold and half-naked, she found herself much more comfortable. Perhaps it was just because she was exhausted and tired, and lady lumps were just the sort of arbitrary thing that made her light-headed head all kinds of giddy. Or maybe it was because now she could see that underneath all the pomp and deception and seduction, the queen was really no more than just another girl, same as Fionna.

Well, older, but still generally the same.

And for the first time possibly ever, Fionna smiled in the presence of the queen. A true, sincere smile; no malice or false pretenses to be found. She felt calm and in control, and such serenity gave her the peace of mind to smile. Granted, there was a part of her brain still screaming that there was something wrong with this scenario. But for right now, she felt as though she didn't even need to listen to it anymore. She felt relaxed. Completely at ease.

I really have nothing to worry about here, do I? she thought. For once, I have my enemy in total submission, just me and her and no one else. I could literally do anything to her I wanted to, and she's got no power to stop me. She can't grab me, she can't zap me, can't even get all weird and into it like she sometimes does! I could smack her around, or draw on her face, or heck, I could even...

She paused, then looked back over her shoulder. Cake was still in the kitchen. She focused again on the queen's gently snoozing face. There was such a peaceful, serene aura about her that Fionna couldn't stop wondering about. To think that someone who could be so vicious and downright crazy would actually sleep like a normal, genuine person...in that moment, anyone could have believed that she WAS, in fact, a normal person.

Shivering for a moment, Fionna sat up on the edge of the bed. It couldn't hurt, right? Just one, while she was asleep. The opportunity was too good to pass up.

I'm supposed to hate you, she thought, pulling herself all the way onto the bed and sitting perpendicular against the queen's leg, hugging her knees. You're supposed to be my enemy, but there's one thing that I know I like about you. And I can't believe it's come to this, that the only way I can admit I like it is by sneaking up on you when you're asleep. I can only show you when you aren't looking. That's probably not a good sign.

I know I shouldn't do this. This has to be wrong. Why else would that little voice be telling me to back it off now? Why else would CAKE be telling me to back it off now? It can't lead to anything good! I really shouldn't!

...but for whatever reason, I know this is what I want. I want this, and right now might be my best and only chance to get it. It doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing, right? It's just one. And she'll never even know I did it. Just think of it like payback for all the times she jumped me when I didn't want any. It's an eye for an eye...only, y'know...less painful.

And it has to be now. There's no better time.

I'm gonna do it.

She reached over and grabbed the queen's shoulder for balance, straddling her belly and shifting herself up face to face. The queen was breathing so slowly, especially compared to her own quickened breath. Her heart sped up to match rhythm. She licked her lips. Closed her eyes. Slowly pressed forward. Lips touched colder lips.

CLACK CLACK CRUSH CRUNCH CRACK!

Something was scrambling around on the other side of the wall, in the living room. Something big. Cake shouted something from the kitchen, which was followed by the clatter of silverware.

In an instant, Fionna had barrel-rolled off of the bed and dashed out into the hall, frustrated and red-faced. She rounded the corner to the living room in time to see a polar bear lumbering past her, heading straight into the kitchen.

It groaned and stumbled as it crashed into a counter full of dishes. Cake caught a mixing bowl in mid-air and tossed it aside as the bear stumbled its way around the area, grunting in a panicked and disorienting way.

"How'd this bum even get in here?" Cake growled, suppressing the bear with her hand as it thrashed around, claws scraping against the glass-ice floors. "I thought you were keepin' your eyes open, girl!"

"I...I turned my back for like two seconds, okay!" Fionna shouted, reaching for sword. Her eyes went wide when she realized that it was gone. Thinking quickly, she leapt onto the bear's back end as it wriggled its way out of Cake's hand and swerved back out into the living room area.

"Don't let go!" Cake shouted, dashing after them.

The bear pummeled its way back out and down the hall, scattering penguins left and right. Many of them took refuge in the bathtub, watching over the rim as the monster staggered further on. It slammed its body full-weight against the walls in an attempt to knock Fionna off. The walls cracked and tiny showers of powder snow fluttered down from the ceiling, but Fionna was not swayed.

Cake rushed up from behind and threw her arm out to lasso the beast. Missed. The end of the hall was approaching fast, and the bear showed no signs of slowing down. Fionna pulled back on its head, trying to steer away from the gleaming wall of ice at the end. The bear shook its head, moaning and holding course.

Fionna shut her eyes tight, fingers spider-gripped the bear's neck. She grit her teeth. Her muscles tensed. She held her breath. She was thoroughly braced for the impending impact.

...an impact which never happened. There was no crash. No WHUMP sound. In fact, the only sound was the crisp whistle of cold air as it whisked over her ears. She opened her eyes.

The bear was still stumbling, shocked at the lack of bone-crunching impact, and crashed shoulder-first into a tall bookshelf. Fionna finally lost her grip and dropped to the floor, rolling out and away from the crushing bear feet and the rain of books. She took a moment - and only a moment - to take in her surroundings.

There were books. A LOT of them. On shelves. A LOT of them. The entire room was essentially one big wraparound bookshelf. Many other books lay scattered across the floor, sometimes in stacks, sometimes in piles, sometimes open, sometimes bookmarked, sometimes carelessly lying open and face-down. Only one small slab of wall was shelfless and bare, and it was directly behind her.

Fionna scrambled to her feet and took up a fighting stance, foot bumping into a pile of books. The bear groaned and heaved in place for a moment, then seemed to calm down slowly. It sniffed the pages of the nearest book. Fionna eyed it suspiciously.

The bear reached down and picked up the book between its teeth, then dashed back toward the blank patch of ice between the shelves. Fionna watched it run straight into the wall, disappearing completely. She blinked, then reached her hand out to touch the wall herself. Her fingers never made contact.

"An illusion wall, huh?" she said aloud. "Sneaky...very sneaky."

"Why's that psycho need an illusion wall in an ice cave?" Cake asked loudly, slipping through the wall herself. "You okay, Fi?"

She brushed the powder snow from her shoulders and adjusted her vest-like shirt for the umpteenth time that night. "I'm fine. Did you get the book?"

"What book?"

"The bear! He took a book like a crooked hook!"

"Okay," Cake replied dryly as she looked around the room. "So who exactly is going to miss one little book in a room like this?"

"Cake, what if that book was important! It could have been like, Ice Queen's diary or something!"

"How's that important? What, were you lookin' to dig up the dirt on her exes or somethin'?"

"What? No, I mean what if there was like...something important? Something she needed! A spell book or something! Something that gives her power!"

"That's stupid, Fi," Cake replied, kicking a loose book across the floor. "It was probably just another volume of crazy fan fiction, or like...a recipe book or some'n."

"Dude," Fionna said levelly as her adrenaline level began noticeably dropping, "If video games and folklore have taught me anything, that was actually some kinda mondopowerful book with power to destroy worlds or turn babies into gold or something, and that little dip is just stealing it to take back to some supreme higher power, and we're gonna be bumpershanked if we don't get it back, like, double-pronto!"

Cake walked and stretched herself up to eye level. "Fionna...look at my face. You see it? You gettin' a good, long eyefulla this? Can you tell, then, from lookin' upon this furry, fugly mug of mine, what my opinion of your crack theory is? Does THIS look like a face that wants to go trackin' down some polar bear in the livin' dead of night all just to see if the book in his mouth is some old hag's diary?!"

For a moment, Fionna had a strong urge to say something. She had a feeling in her gut that she was right, and that Cake was just letting her fatigue do the thinking for her. Then the gut feeling turned into a gut growl, and her own fatigue started doing some thinking for her.

"...yeah....yeah, okay. No chasing tonight. Gotta get some food and some sleep."

"That's RIGHT," Cake said as she put her paws on Fionna's shoulders, scooting her back through the illusion wall. "Now you go make sure Ice Queen's still a-okay, and I'll finish crackin' those midnight eggs. We'll do some investigatin' on THIS place after a good night's rest, yeah?"

"Mmm, eggs...yeah, okay. That ranks a Totes Okay on the Fionna scale."

"GOOD," Cake said firmly. "Now don't you do anything dumb with the queen, got it? Don't do anything she might do to YOU while YOU'RE asleep."

"Gurl, please," Fionna said, blood rushing to her cheeks. "I know better than that. I've at least got SOME self-control...glob."


	16. Cold-Turkey Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A secret library? With piles and stacks and WALLS full of spell books and scrolls and stuff? So cool! ...for a weird old ice witch, that is. Fionna and Cake try casting a few spells on sleeping beauty, but they really don't know the first thing about magic, do they? Hmm...

It started as a dream about insects. Big ones. Huge, even. And some smaller ones too, but mostly the huge ones. They were swarming across the land, eating leafy pink shoots out of the ground. Except they weren't shoots, they were tiny Prince Gumballs. And they weren't insects, they were Ice Queens. Well okay, they still had spidery bodies and a set of six wings, but that was definitely Ice Queen's hair. And her face. And they weren't eating the shoots anymore, they were just kind of pulling them up with their lips and tossing them into a pile. I was under that pile. At the bottom. And I couldn't breathe because I was actually underwater. I was thrashing my legs around, trying to get to the surface. But when I got there, I was naked. And my head was on fire. And then Ice Queen came over and started licking my cheek to put it out. After that, things got...um...

Fionna's eyes flickered open. She licked the drool dripping from around her lips and pushed herself up on one arm. A penguin beneath her grunted and flipped itself over, settling back to sleep. She blinked a few times and rubbed the grainy, crusty things from her eyes.

Her head felt stuffy and hot, like she was being smothered with a pillow. Her eyes wanted to close again. She opened her mouth to let out a horrible dragon-breath yawn, stretching her jaw and her arms. She really wanted to go back to sleep. She wanted to sleep forever. Then she remembered where she had been sleeping.

A thick sea of penguins had formed around her and Cake some time in the night, basking them in a blanket of body heat and fish smell. So many squishy little faces, all of them asleep and all of them nearly identical, right down to their universal name, "Gertrude". The whole scene was heartwarmingly comfortable and slightly disgusting all at the same time.

Fionna rolled her head around, cracking her neck and scratching her chest. She looked down, noticing she'd cast away her torn shirt sometime in the night. A quick scan of the penguin sea did not reveal its present location. She yawned again and crossed her arms for extra warmth.

Oh yeah, she thought, head slowly clearing in the crisp air. I've got stuff to do today. Better check on the queen...

She snatched her hat from the ice sofa and instinctively reached for the sword on her belt as she tiptoed down the hallway. Her hand fumbled around her waist for a few moments before she remembered that the sword wasn't and couldn't be there anymore. She sighed and gritted her teeth, then cautiously peered around the corner into the queen's bedroom.

There she was, exactly where Fionna had left her the previous night. Motionless save for the gentle rise and fall of her bare chest with each cold breath. A rogue Gertrude had tucked itself up against her side, resting in the nook of her shoulder, snoozing softly.

A thin half-smile formed on Fionna's face. Enemy or not, there was nothing about this sight that wasn't adorable. Maybe even especially because it was her enemy she was looking at. A rare moment of vulnerability, purity and innocence all wrapped up like a deceptive birthday present with shiny purple bows on the outside and spring-loaded rubber snakes on the inside.

The half-smile turned into a half-frown. It wasn't fair of someone so twisted to appear so enticingly innocent like that. Especially when Fionna knew what this horrible person was capable of. How dare she toy with her emotions again! How dare she appear so harmless after all the heartstring puppetry she'd put her through already!

Clenching a fist, Fionna walked up to the bed, fully envisioning socking her hard on the jaw. She even got as far as pulling it back and taking aim before a sudden chill made her shiver noticeably. She quickly wrapped herself in her arms and stepped away. A bra and skirt was not a suitable outfit for an ice cavern.

She swept the room quickly for something whole to wear, settling on a fur-muffed bathrobe. At this point she didn't even care if the queen had worn it, as long as it warmed her up and wasn't underwear. It fit quite nicely, hanging all the way down to her ankles and warming her right up from the moment she'd slipped it on.

The silence of the place was soon broken by the sound of her stomach growling. She hadn't gotten nearly enough to eat last night, though Cake might have argued otherwise. She trudged her way into the kitchen, still rubbing her eyes and occasionally shaking her head to wake up.

Milk, eggs, butter, she noted, browsing through the refrigerator. Wait, this thing isn't even a refrigerator, is it? It's just a bookshelf with a door and a little light. It doesn't even need one of those chill thingies, the chill is just all-natural around here. Hmm, don't know why I didn't think of that...

She picked up an egg and held it to her face. "How do these things even work?" she muttered to no one in particular. Closing her hand around it, she smashed it against the countertop, yolk splattering out all over the robe and squishing in her palm. Yuck. She released the shell, letting it fall to the floor as she put her hand to her mouth and prodded it gently with her tongue. "Aw, gross, what is this? Bird snot? Where's the omelette?"

She flung the slimy egg white from her hand onto the floor and wiped her hand on the smooth, velvety surface of the robe. "Stupid eggs...I didn't want your delicious goopy centers anydangway!"

Spurred by hunger, Fionna began rummaging through a trunk on the floor, shoving aside slabs and stacks of frozen meat, ice cube trays, popsicle sticks. Surely there was SOMETHING in this kitchen she could eat without the arcane knowledges of preparation and cooking. She and her stomach both growled a little louder.

At last she found what appeared to be a box of fish-shaped crackers or cookies high up in a cabinet above the egg-slimed counter. Digging her greedy fingers into the box, she devoured them madly, glancing around protectively as she crunched each one loudly.

What are these things, anyway? she wondered, poking her tongue around inside her mouth in an effort not to waste a single crumb. They taste like little mouthfuls of dry cereal...oh poopsticks, are these like penguin munchies or something?

She looked at the box, which bore the label "Gerdie Trudies". She paused in mid-chew for all of one second before resuming, too insistently hungry to question or regret anything at this point.

The hungry beast sated at least as long as she held that box of crackers, Fionna's feet insisted they wander. Her mind followed suit, broken away from her feet and wandering on freely.

Things are still super messed up. Think about it, Fionna. You just had a sleepover in your enemies lair, you're wearing her clothes, getting cozy with her pets, and now you're doing the awkward thing where you wait for her to wake up because you're a dork and don't wanna wake her up yourself! What are you, her girlfriend or something?!

And that's not even all! You were on her bed, trying to sneak a kiss last night! Who the glob DOES that, anyway?! You know who? Girlfriends do that! You really gotta stop this, right here and now, before it turns into something really nasty. Cake's right, this is no good for you. You need serenity and stability in your life right now more than anything else!

At the very least, you at least need to figure out what she wants. Try to understand what her motives are, so you can shut 'em down. Yeah, that sounds right. Maybe I DO need a plan this time...maybe.

She kicked the floor as she ambled down the hallway, cursing herself for her attempted actions last night. In retrospect, she wondered what she had even hoped to accomplish with that kiss. Had she really thought it would make her feel better about the whole debacle? It certainly didn't feel that way now. Now she was just wondering about the benefits of punching herself hard in the stomach.

Before she realized it, she'd wandered right through the illusion wall at the end of the hallway and into the queen's secret library. She stopped in the center of the room, munching loudly on penguin snacks as she surveyed the room around her.

So many books in here, she thought. What kind of books does an evil ice hag even read? And why does she have so smacking many of them?

She arbitrarily pulled one from the nearest shelf and flipped through it. Predictably, there were no pictures, just intimidating walls of text. She tried to read a few snippets as she skimmed through the thin, brittle pages, piecing together a vague idea of its plot.

Okay, so there's these two wizards, and they're best bros...they're fighting a sorceress, and she's too powerful...but they have to kill her because blah blah...dude's afraid he won't live, so his bro kisses him and tell him it'll be alright...aww, that's cute...wait...what...NO, dude, what the glob? Seriously? You just kissed him to drain his power so you'd have enough to kill the sorceress? Well great job, ya snood! Now your bro-love is DEAD! Okay, then you kill the sorceress and take her place...and that's it? You're evil now? What kinda crampy book is this anyway! I shoulda known, freakin' Ice Queen...

She tossed the book in the corner, the loud thump echoing loudly within the restricted chamber. "That was a little louder than necessary," said a sleepy voice behind her.

"Oh, Cake," Fionna said, turning to the illusion wall, "When did you get up?"

"Just a minute ago," she replied, sipping something hot from the crystalline mug in her hand. "Figured you might try and start without me, ya little cockroach."

Fionna grunted and strode back across the room to a stack of books. "Just trying to see what's what around here, that's all."

"Nice robe," Cake added with a hint of distaste. "You ladies sharin' a wardrobe now?"

"Shush, you. I was cold and I didn't have a shirt."

"Mmhmm," Cake hummed, rolling her eyes. "So what kinda books are these, anyway?"

Fionna shrugged. "They're just dumb stories, lots of really big fancy words. I thought it was a gooshy love story at first, but it had a sad ending, so blah."

After another sip, Cake reached over to a nearby stack and plucked a book at random, flipping through the pages. "This one looks like a lot of math. There's all these numbers and question marks and--oh, hello naked people...yuck. Wait, hang on now, these are...are these plans for one of them people-suits she has? Like the Gumball suit?"

The bunny ears on Fionna's hat perked up. "What, really? Lemme see."

"Nope," said Cake, raising the book overhead and out of reach. "It's got naked people in it, you don't need to see THAT."

"Ugh, whatever,"she groaned. "Not like I've never seen a naked person before, mom."

Cake glared at her, placing the book on a much higher shelf. She opened her mouth to say something, then decided against it, taking a drink instead.

Fionna picked up another book and skimmed through it. "Aw what, it's another boring wordfest. How come you get the ones with pictures? Ugh. Anyway, let's see here...a couple gets lost in the mountains, surrounded by wing-wolves...one of them breaks his leg, tells the girl to go on without him, she refuses, blah blah, then they kiss and get...what the hey-hey, they both get eaten?! Ice Queen, what the plop kind of books are these anyway? They all have tragic endings!"

Cake snorted. "Says somethin' about her, don'tcha think? Hey, here's a spellbook!"

"Man, how come you find all the cool books!" Fionna whined.

"Hmm, some pretty basic stuff in here," she continued dismissively. "Hypnosis, barriers, fog covers...heh, there's even a whole section on trickster spells!"

"This one's another love diary," Fionna grumbled, "About a vampire and a princess...man, I can't read this, I don't even wanna know what horrible fate plagues them!"

Cake watched her throw the book to the floor and drained the remains of her mug. "Come on girl, lighten up. Hey, let's go try out some of these spells on old frostbutt. Maybe we'll turn her face into a frog or something cool like that!"

Fionna shrugged, then sighed. "Sure, why not. Beats digging through more sad romance books...".

Why are they all sad ones anyway? she thought as she shuffled her way through the illusion wall. I mean, I get the romance part, that part's totally Ice Queen, but why do they all end so badly? She can't WANT all that tragedy. No one wants to be alone and miserable, right? Isn't that why she thiefs away with dudes? ...or Fionnas? Blah. It just doesn't make any proper sense.

She tried to shake away her nagging thought cloud as she and Cake approached the sleeping beauty on the bed. "Holy macaroons, when did she start strippin'?" Cake asked in disgust, shielding her eyes. "Fionna, can you cover them blubber bumps up? Ugh. And do it with your eyes closed, for Glob's sake!"

Fionna snorted and dutifully scooped up a bra from the wreckage of clothes scattered carelessly on the floor. Taking care to avoid direct contact, she shivered as she came up close and personal with the queen's cold body. Deftly, she re-equipped her with said bra, though she didn't close her eyes as Cake instructed. She wouldn't admit it to anyone but herself, but there was something oddly tantalizing about the situation. About breaking a taboo like this, touching someone else's stuff. Or almost touching it, anyway.

"Alright miss squick, she's covered now," Fionna said, her eyes taking an extra moment to leave the queen's body. "What spell are we gonna cast on her?"

Cake leafed through a few pages before stopping to hover on one near the back of the book. "Hmm, I was gonna say let's do the one that makes her skin all flaky and itchy, but I'm pretty sure she's already got that covered, eh?"

Nope, completely wrong, Fionna's brain hummed. Wait, no. Shush, I don't know that. Not at all. Bad brain!

"So I think we should go with this one instead," Cake continued, her voice growing more serious. "It's a truth spell. We can ask her anything we want to, and she's gotta answer with some cold-turkey truth."

"That's all?"

"Well think about it, knuckle-noggin. What do you think we could use a spell like that for?"

She brushed the hair from her face and shrugged.

"It means we can ask her what her all these stupid love shenanigans are really about! We can get the answers you need, make a proper plan of action and then get the hexagon outta here!"

Fionna lit up with understanding and popped another penguin snack into her mouth. "Sweet teats, let's do it!"

"Alright then," Cake said as she studied the book closely, "Looks like this is an easy one to cast, too."

She kicked away the loose paper and clothes around her and stretched her arm out along the floor, twisting and curving it into a complex circle of runes and symbols. Standing in the center, she began the simple chant.

Fionna watched on in fascination, mouth busily munching. A vague, purple aura formed around the queen's body, conforming to her natural contours. It seemed brighter around her head than anywhere else.

"Okay, let's see if it works," she said, not moving from her place. "Ice Queen, can you hear me?"

The queen's head slowly rolled to one side, and her lips gently parted. "Ever shall the truth leave us unsnared," she mumbled, eyes still closed.

Cake beamed with satisfaction at a spell well-cast. "Okay, what should we--"

"Ice Queen, do you like me?" Fionna interrupted, stepping forward.

"Fionna..." the queen hummed, "...stop shutting me down already...I wasn't gonna hurt him, I just kidnapped him...why are you always such a hero?...stop peeing on my snowmen, you little troll...".

Fionna glanced over at Cake, who raised an eyebrow back. "...what the spanks is this all about? Is she like...dreaming or something?"

"Must be 'cause she's still asleep," Cake suggested. "Only way she can answer us is by sleep-talkin'. Well this oughtta be interesting...".

"That's dumb," Fionna huffed.

"...you hit me in the bubble bags! I kind of wish you wouldn't do that...not like YOU care about gaining the affections of the prince...no wait, don't leave...".

Fionna gave an exasperated groan. "Ugh, she's not even answering my question! You sure that's a real truth spell?"

"That's what it said!" Cake replied defensively. "Here, lemme try somethin' more straightforward then."

She leaned closer. "Ice Queen, are you plannin' to kidnap Prince Gumball again in the near future?"

The queen's head rolled slightly to one side. "Mmm, look at you, my precious little stick of gum...unh, I just wanna unwrap you, pop you in my mouth and blow you like a bubble...mmf, yeah...".

Cake pulled away from her in disgust as the babbling continued. "That's right, boy...take it off...wha--Fionna! What're you doing, get away! This is MY private show...you're just mad 'cause you aren't getting any, aren't you? No no, not the face! Fine, is that the way you wanna play this? Bring it on then...oww...my stomach...okay, enough! Kick me again and I'll puke on you, I swear it!"

"Well, this was a total waste of air," Fionna said, throwing her hands up. "I'm going back into that library. Bad romance books are better than listening to this scrap."

"What, you're just givin' up?"

"It's not worth it! There's no reason to keep trying something that's just plain broken!"

"Oh, and you think you're gonna find somethin' better in there, Fi? You honestly think there's some other book in that library that's gonna give us the results we're after?"

"...sure gave ME results..." the queen mumbled in the background.

Fionna crossed her arms and looked away, glaring a hole into the wall. "...no."

"Exactly," Cake continued, unwrapping her hand from the floor and stepping out of the spot where her circle had been. "You saw those books, they're nothin' but bad romances. Tragedies."

"Yeah, well those books suck."

"...in some they do..." the queen carried on.

"I know, I know," Cake continued with a sigh. "I don't know why anyone would ever wanna read that trash anyway. They're so upsettin', honestly. Only a wack hack like her would fill up a library with books where the hero falls in love with the wrong person, then gets...shanked...or killed...or left behind...".

Fionna glanced over to see her staring blankly at the floor, her brow furrowed. She seemed to be wrestling her thoughts.

"Cake, you okay?

There was a moment's delay before she looked up at Fionna. "...Fionna, what if you're one of the characters in those books?"

She took a step back, side-eyeing Cake. "...what, you think she wrote a tragedy about me in one of her bizarro boy/girl switcharoo stories?"

"No, no, not that. I mean like, doesn't it feel like you might be in a similar spot with Ice Queen? It's a bad romance story, unfoldin' right before our eyes."

The queen smacked her lips. "Wouldn't be the first...".

"Cake, what the trump?" Fionna groaned. "How is that even like anything going on right now? I'm not livin' a tragedy book with...HER! Why would you even think that?"

"Don't lie to yourself, Fi," Cake sighed. "We both know you got this...this attraction to the queen. You said it yourself."

"I did not!" Fionna protested. "All I said was that I like gettin' ice kisses! I told you, I'm not in love with this chunk of skunk! I'm not in love with anyone or anything! I got all of zero romantic aspirations right now!"

"Then why don't you wanna leave? Why are we still here at all?"

"Is it 'cause I'm such a pretty laaaaady?" mumbled the voice no one was listening to.

"Cake, you shut your scrub-talkin' mouth," Fionna growled, finger pointed at the cat's little nose. "I told you, and I told you hardcore. I'm not lovey-dovey with Ice Queen, and she's not lovey-dovey with me either! It's just all one big stupid brain trick she's pulling on me!"

"How do you KNOW that, Fi?" Cake continued, swatting her finger away.

"Because! She's a cold-hearted calculator that only knows how to do all the hard math! She can't understand having her emotions manipulated, she just sees them as another number in her stupid equation! If she really had feelings, she'd at least understand that being played with like this is absolute BUTTS! She'd understand that it's all so WRONG!"

"Oh, she HAS feelings, Fi. Believe me, I know it. She has 'em. You're both just not seein' 'em 'cause you're blinded by the hate!"

"Of course there's hate! That's all that's left when there's no good feelings!"

"Mm, but THAT's a good feeling...oh, Marshall...".

"Then why haven't we left yet?" Cake demanded, tossing the book aside. "If you hate her so much, why don't we just leave her to fend for herself? Tell me why you're avoidin' that question!"

Fionna bit down on her lip, resisting the urge to explode into a million tiny pieces. A vein in her forehead throbbed as she tried to bring order to the buzz of thoughts queueing up to leave her mouth. With a readily apparent strain, she finally answered, "I think...she might still be up to something. And I want to find out what it is."

Cake sniffed. "She's not just gonna up and tell you what her plan is."

"I know," Fionna responded, trying very hard to maintain her cool. "I want to stick around and try to learn more about her. Like, what's her deal, what's she been plotting, who even is she. Maybe she's pulled this kind of stunt in the past, I dunno. She's old, older than old, old as superballs. Who knows what kind of past she's had...".

"I might know..." the queen murmured, licking her lips.

The familiar frown of worry returned to Cake's face. "I still don't like it, Fi. Don't you already have enough of her in your brain? Isn't lyin' to you, disguisin' as your bud and gettin' all creepy-romantic with you, smoochin' you, killin' your fire buddy and sayin' she loves you already bad enough? You still wanna learn MORE? Look, I wanted to help you on this, but it's clear to me that you're settin' yourself up to get in some serious hurt if you keep this up!"

"Cake, stop it! Just stop it. I know what I'm getting into here, okay? I'm trying to be tactical about this, just like you taught me. I'm gathering secret intel and stuff!"

Cake shook her head. "It ain't that simple, baby. Ice Queen's gettin' all under your skin here. It's more than just a reagular tactical thing. This needs special undercover operations stuff. But right now, you gotta get the plop away from her before she does any more brain damage to your pretty little head!"

"But we already tried that!" Fionna wailed, stamping her foot. "We already tried ignoring her, and it didn't work! She just played my brain like your dulcimer and--"

"And YOU went after HER!" Cake interrupted. "She's TOYIN' with you, Fionna! She's gettin' inside your booger brain and MAKIN' you do whatever it is she wants!"

"Cake, will you stop roadblockin' me here?! I'm out of options! We tried everything else, the only thing we HAVEN'T done is find out more about her, play along, see where this REALLY goes!"

"Fionna, I KNOW more about her than I ever could want to," Cake retorted in low, seething tones. "And I for one do NOT need to know any more than I already do."

"Okay, fine, YOU know about her, but what about ME? I don't know hardly nothin' that doesn't come outta your mouth first, and hardly ANYTHING comes outta your mouth about her anyway! I still know almost NOTHING!"

"Oh come now, Fionna, you at least know what a good pancake-maker I am...".

"I'm doin' that for a reason, Fi! I'm makin' sure you don't get zapped in the butt any time you bend over!"

Fionna turned away and kicked the wall hard, steam all but puffing out of her nostrils. "But you aren't telling me everything," she growled. "You say you're protecting me, but you won't tell me what from. You just expect me to listen and do as I'm told! You're doing the same thing you say Ice Queen's doing to me...".

A protective scowl crossed Cake's face as she slowly stepped closer. "You think this is easy for me, Fionna? You think I'm just protectin' you for kicks and snickers? You gotta remember what I've been tellin' you all this time. Ice Queen was like a mother to me back then. I KNOW what I'm talkin' about when I tell you not to get involved. She's crazy and it ain't gonna end well!"

"So why don't you ever tell me more about that, Cake?" Fionna asked in a slightly softer voice. "Why won't you tell me what happened to make YOU hate her so much? I mean, if she was like a mom to you--".

"No, I ain't sayin' nothin' more about it," she grunted. "I told you what she did. I told you what I did. That's all you need to know about that."

"Oh come ON!" Fionna said, anger returning. "If you loved the queen, or if she loved you, there might be something we could learn from that! We might have an edge if we know what her deal is! Spill the soup, girl!"

"I ain't spillin' nothin'!" she hissed. "That's all in the past! Ice Queen was different back then, and nothin' she or I said to each other is gonna change a frumpin' thing! Come on Fionna, we're gettin' outta here, right now!"

"That's right, go on and leave me, Cupcake..." the queen muttered. "...again."

"Cake, you're being a wad again!" Fionna shouted. "I need your help! I want you to talk to me about what happened between you two! This is kind of important!"

"I said no!" Cake shouted back, even louder. "Why can't you listen to me anymore, Fionna? Why are you so intent on figurin' the queen out? Oh wait, that's right. It's cause YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER!"

"CAKE! I swear to Grod, if you say that one more time...!"

"You'll what?" Cake growled, thrusting herself inches from Fionna's face, teeth bared. "Hit me? GO AHEAD and we'll SEE what happens then!"

Glaring back into her eyes, Fionna puffed herself up and pushed Cake back. "Back off, sister. I think I just figured out what the problem is. You're afraid."

"Of you?" she snorted. "Girl, you got some grand delusions if you think that's the case...".

Fionna rolled her eyes. "You're afraid of your feelings. You don't wanna talk about what happened with her because you're afraid of whatever happened."

"Shut up."

"There IS more to the story, isn't there! More you aren't telling me 'cause YOU don't wanna think about it!"

"Fionna, I'm gonna slap your buns into next Tuesday if you don't shut it off RIGHT NOW!"

"Don't leave me out of this, I wanna slap Fionna's buns too...".

"Ooh, look at me, I'm Cake, and I don't wanna talk about the Ice Queen cause I'm a BIG STUPID DORK!" Fionna chanted, dancing and twirling the sash of the queen's robe.

"FIONNA!" A crack emerged in the wall under the thunder of Cake's voice.

"Ooh, now look, I'm Fionna and I'm gonna go live with the queen forever now, oooh!" she continued taunting. "Watch this, I'm gonna go punch Ice Queen in the mouth...with MY mouth!"

"Oh, don't mind if you do," the queen crooned, puckering her lips.

"Will you shut up already, Queenie?" Cake bellowed.

"No," the queen sassed, a smile forming on her lips.

"Ugh, how do you shut that idiot spell off, anyway?" Cake snatched the book back up and started flipping through the pages rapidly.

"You can't," the queen continued.

"What? Why not?" Fionna asked, staring at her sleeping face suspiciously.

The smile widened even further. "A spell must be properly CAST before you can break it...".

Expressions of surprise, suspicion, alarm and anger slowly flowed across Fionna and Cake's faces as they realized the purple aura that had been shining from the queen's face was no longer present.

"...has she been awake this whole time?"

Propping herself up on one elbow, Ice Queen shook out her hair and adjusted the tiara, her grin sparkling like diamonds. "Oh yes, very much so...".


	17. I Knew Something Was Up With That Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long, long, LOOONG chat with the Queen about motives and heroism and spatial distortion light magic, Ice Queen expresses concern over that random polar bear what made off with her spell books last night. Apparently his larcenous deeds have unlocked a dungeon quest all but tailor-made for Fionna! Get your weapons ready!

"Go back to sleep!" Cake snarled, her voice echoing loudly down the empty ice hall outside.

The queen yawned and cracked her neck. "No, I don't think I will...I was rather interested in where your little conversation was headed just now."

"Exactly HOW MUCH did you hear?" Fionna demanded, pushing herself up on the edge of the snow-soft bed.

"I hardly think that matters now," the queen said dismissively. "I heard enough to know why you're still here, so I think I'll get an early start on silently planning my next crazy headgame for you."

"Oh is that so?" Fionna pressed, moving closer. "What are you thinking of right now then, huh?"

"Breakfast," came the flat reply.

"You liar," she muttered, crossing her arms. "What are you really thinking about? Like...making a ghost copy of yourself to fool me into thinking I've got you trapped in your bed while the real you runs off behind my back to steal some private junk from my underwear drawer or something?"

"...wow, I'm surprised I haven't done that already. How brilliant you are, O Mastermind Deductress of The Gold-Wheat Hair."

"Then what ARE you thinking in your frozen tundra desert brain? Tell me what your next plot is!"

The queen rubbed her eye lazily, slouching forward. "Once again Fionna, you expect everything to be spelled out in big shiny letters for you. Why don't you just wait and see what happens, for a change? You're pretty good at jumping into things without planning, after all. Nice robe, by the way."

"No, I'm not gonna wait no more!" Fionna insisted, subconsciously pulling the robe closed. "You're gonna tell me exactly what kind of sapsucker thoughts are swimmin' around in your head, or I'll hammer-smack you in the guts!"

Ice Queen blew a stray hair from her face. "Knowing you, you'll hammer-smack me no matter what I do."

"Start talkin', meatcheeks!"

"No," the queen replied, throwing herself back down on the pillow. "I want some food first."

"Glob it, Ice Queen!" Fionna shouted, raising her fist.

"What?" she smirked in response, eyes still closed. "Gonna deck a hospitalized innocent? I'm not even fighting back. I CAN'T even fight back! Come on, let's at least play fair here."

"Oh, look who's talking about playin' fair!" Fionna sat up on her knees and put up her dukes. "For all the psychoknots you've wrapped my brain into by now, I think my justice-heart will forgive one good bop to the noggin!"

"And anyway," Ice Queen continued, "What if punching me just knocks me out cold again? You want me awake, don't you? You need me to talk, that's what you were just saying before."

Fionna could already feel the acid inside her beginning to churn, mounting aggravation setting it to boil in the pit of her growling stomach. She tightened her fists and swallowed it back, growling, "Fine. What's it gonna take to MAKE you talk?"

"Everything," the queen yawned, gesturing fancifully with her wrist. "Bring me the world on a glittering glass platter, grant me but a splendid sample of all that lies beneath the moonlit winter skies, and never shall I forget to impart to thee everything within that sets my soul to swelling."

Fionna raised an eyebow in slightly awed confusion, an emotion she wasn't used to feeling, despite her regular encounters with all manner of things slightly awesome and definitely confusing. She had forgotten about the queen's apparent poetry skills and for at least a fleeting moment was genuinely impressed.

That moment quickly faded though when Cake stepped in and grabbed Fionna by the cheeks, pulling her face to face. "Fi, what are we still doin' here? She obviously ain't gonna talk, so we should just make like eggs and scramble."

"Why are YOU in such a hurry, kitty-kitty?" the queen asked, still lying on her back. "Don't you wanna hear what I might possibly have to say?"

"Plunk off, hag."

"Doesn't anybody want to hear what I have to say? What if it's important?"

"It IS important, that's why we're here, you donkus!" Fionna shouted, finger pointed at the queen's nose.

Cake grabbed her by the wrist and tugged insistently. "No, come on Fi-Fi. This is a total waste of our time. All she's gonna do is talkblock you, and frankly, I got better things to do than listen to that mess. Let's get outta here."

"Cake, no," Fionna resisted, struggling against the restrictive heaviness of the fur robe. "We can't leave yet! The mission isn't finished! Leggo!"

"We can so leave, girl! You're done with your little mission, let's just scoot!"

"Funny," the queen mumbled, pushing herself up on her elbows again with some effort. "I thought the whole reason you flakes were still hanging around was specifically   
so that Fionna could talk to lonely old me. Perhaps you should be letting HER call the shots here, Cupcake."

"Yeah, perhaps you should!" Fionna said, at last working her arm loose and frowning scornfully at Cake before realizing it was still Ice Queen she should be frowning at.

The invisible daggers in Cake's reciprocated glare could have pinned her to the wall, especially if she'd gone and studied the art of psychomancy and learned to convert thought waves into physical matter back when she'd had the chance. Like Fionna, she too was boiling with rage, but for now she seemed to be keeping a tight lid on it. She hissed like a kettle of boiling water, then swiveled her head queenward.

You're the reason she's like this, you devil woman, she thought. Fionna wouldn't be snippin' at me like this if it weren't for you and your big fat mouth fillin' her head with your baloney ideas.

"...well then?" the queen prompted, nudging Fionna with her foot.

She licked her lips. "No tricks, Snotcicle."

The queen shrugged, inasmuch as that was possible in her current position.

Fionna closed her eyes and took a deliberate, deep breath, puffing her chest out. Don't screw this up, she told herself. Say it in a way she can't twist your words around.

She crawled forward, planting herself in an uncomfortable straddle over the queen's legs, sitting up on her knees. Placing a hand firmly on either of the queen's freezing shoulders, she slowly pushed her face forward, stopping mere inches from bumping noses.

Ice Queen stared back at her, calm eyes fading into the snowblind color of the blizzard outside. That blank, white serenity was only a facade, though; underneath it all, she was actually doing everything in her power to keep secret her double-beating heart. The rush of blood sent an excited and anticipatory tingle throughout her entire body.

This was a new kind of excitement. The tables had been turned; she was the prey this time, vulnerable and cornered. So used to always having the upper hand, she found herself all but shivering - SHIVERING! The very Queen of the Ice and Snow, shivering! - This was all unsettlingly exciting, perhaps most of all because she wasn't sure if she wanted the sensation to stop or not.

A rasp of breath passed from Fionna's mouth. "I want..." she said, hands firmly gripping the queen's cracked and still-healing skin, "...to know EXACTLY, in NORMAL WORDS...why is being lovey-dovey with me so important to you?"

...that was it?

Deflated, the queen frowned and blew a ring of cold-steamed air in Fionna's face. "That's all you want?"

With a grunt, Fionna slapped the queen's cheek and sank back down, still straddled, still sitting on her knees. "Tell me. What's your angle?"

"I already told you days ago," she replied bitterly, the thrill dissipating. "I'm old and never get to have fun anymore, and you are, or at least you're SUPPOSED to be, the thrill I've been seeking."

A retching sound came from beside the bed. Cake scowled up at the queen, miming sticking her fingers down her throat. "Ugh, always makin' me gag with junk like that! Why don'tcha tell us the REAL truth for a change?"

"Yeah," Fionna added, "What exactly does all of that mean, really? You're old and princeless and got nothing better to do than make my life a living poo 'cause your bored? Is that really all there is to this whole mess?"

"Hardly," the queen snorted. "I could write a whole library full of reasons this is so worthwhile! Though I must say, right now you're not MAKING it very worthwhile...".

"Good! ...I think?"

"This would be so much easier to explain if you'd just bring me some food," she added, rubbing her stomach and wincing when her fingers brushed a sensitive new scar.

"You're not in any position to make the demands here, snowball-butt." Fionna balled her hand into a fist and thrust it forward, stopping just before making contact.

"Well no kidding, speed bumps," Ice Queen said, gently leaning forward to kiss the fist, which then opened to deliver yet another slap across her cheek.

"Fine," the queen grumbled, gingerly rubbing the tender flesh. "You need a black-and-white, word-for-word explanation for everything, don't you?"

"Tell me in baby talk if you have to. Talk to me like I'm one of your stupid penguins."

"Oh yes, speaking of them, did you two check to make sure they didn't penguin-bomb the kitchen while I was out? They've been getting really testy about that behind my back lately and I'd just really appreciate--".

"Ice Queen, we ain't cookin' you any food," Cake cut her off. "Just drop it already!" 

"But why not? Aren't you hungry too?"

"Auunghh," Fionna groaned. "Cake, why don't we just make her some gombombin' food. She's not gonna cooperate otherwise."

"You serious, girl?" Cake put her hands to her hips as her tail started twitching behind her. "What makes you think she'll even play along just 'cause we give in to her demands? All that'll do is give her a reason to ask for somethin' else while we're at it! Make her breakfast now and she'll ask for a back massage after, just you watch!"

"We're not backing down now!" Fionna huffed. "We're here, we've got Ice Queen under our fists, the least we can do is just put up with her butt-headedness for just a little bit longer."

"It ain't gonna work, Fionna!"

"Come on Cake, just make us some food? I'm hungry too!"

"You know what, FINE," Cake replied, throwing her paws in the air. "Let's just let some creepazoid cougar call all the moves around here! She can just be the new boss of our lives! We'll just give her the keys to our house, make her a royal omelette, then bend over to kiss her big bulgin' buttocks every time she graces us with her presence! Why don't we just move in and live here with our wonderful new mistress while we're at it? Maybe then you can finally fall in love for realsies and you'll live happily ever after together! Wouldn't THAT be nice?!"

She huffed in silence for a moment, cold-steam pouring from her mouth. Fionna looked away and grabbed her own arm, expression shifting back and forth between concern and stubborn self-righteousness. The queen raised a wispy eyebrow and puckered her lips in anticipation. She almost made a pithy comment on the scene, but held it back.

Another moment of chill silence passed before Cake sighed and stamped out of the bedroom, muttering to herself, "Yeah, fine. One freakin' breakfast comin' right up. Swear to justice you're gonna learn how to cook for yourself one of these days, Fionna, I SWEAR...".

As soon as she'd left, Ice Queen did speak. "She seems to have gotten worse lately."

"Worse how?" Fionna asked, crawling back to the far end of the bed and sitting cross-legged.

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed how quick to anger she's gotten lately," said the queen, digging a finger into her nose. "I mean, I always knew she'd grow up to be a little fireball, but her temper never had THAT short a fuse."

Fionna grabbed her ankles and sat hunched forward a bit. "...she's just...she's been going through a lot lately. It's kinda mostly probably my fault."

"You think so?"

"Well, it's your fault too," Fionna said pointedly, "but I'm the one who keeps insisting she come along and help me out. It's YOUR fault for making MY life hard, cause MY life affects HER life too...uh, I think."

"Don't hurt yourself now," the queen said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, I only mention it because, by contrast, you seem a lot calmer about being around me than she does. It's like you've gotten used to me, but she still gets violently angry."

"Well, why wouldn't she? You kinda whacked her parents!"

"Oh, so she has told you about that," she said, straining to arch herself up into a sitting position. "Why she's still frothing mad about it, I'll never understand. That was ancient history as far as I'm concerned."

"But you KILLED her mommy and daddy!" Fionna shouted back, clamoring up to all fours. "Of course she's still mad! She probably wants like...revenge or judgement on you for taking 'em away from her! How can you pretend like you didn't realize that?"

"I didn't know they were her parents back then," the queen added, leaning more toward defensive than apathetic now. "Not that knowing would have necessarily changed my decision, mind you."

"Sick," Fionna said with a sneer. "You really are heartless!"

"Heartless?" the queen scoffed. "More like cautious. Tell me, what would you have done in the same position? If you saw Cake talking with two zombies, unaware of the obvious danger she was in, how would you have reacted?"

"I dunno, geez!" Fionna replied, craning forward. "Ask her if she needed help? I definitely wouldn't have just ZAPPED them though, that's just dumb! Like. What if they were just lost or wanted to know if we had any food or something?"

"Are you even listening to yourself, Fionna? Food? What do zombies eat, hmm?"

"Oh shush," she snapped back. "It was still a nasty no-hearted thing to do."

"You call me heartless, like I'm completely incapable of feelings, Fionna," the queen said, throwing the blanket aside. "If you think I'm heartless, then you must be brainless. Figures, though. You do seem to prefer doing your critical thinking with your fists."

"Hey!" Fionna raised her voice, getting up on all fours to get back in the queen's face. "Give me some credit, Ice Queen! I have a brain and it works like beeswax! I've done nothing but wonder why the everloving fluffernuts you've been chasing me around, asking myself about why I get so mad about it, why I REALLY hate you, what I'm gonna do about all this...it's liberally all I've been thinking about since the day you barged in on me in my bathroom! My brain is probably gonna EXPLODE into mushy pink slime all dripping out of my ears from all this thinking overdose! I am so nowhere NEAR as brainless as you are heartless!"

The queen opened her mouth to speak, but Fionna quickly clamped a hand over it. "Why do even think I'm here right now, queenie? Why am I still hangin' around here? Just to knock you up? I could do that any globbin' day of the week! Why would I go to all the trouble of dragging your helpless kiester out of the forest, keeping you alive all the way up the mountains, and then sleepin' in your house, waitin' for you to wake up? It ain't cause I'm brainless, now, is it?!"

At this point, she was mentally shooting fire from her glaring eyes, but the blank, snow-fog color reflecting back from the queen's seemed to smother the flames. To compensate, Fionna brought her face closer, the heat of her anger mingling with the chill of the queen's unblinking complexion, the familiar steam of hate brewing between them.

Beneath her lifeless expression, Ice Queen was again brimming with excitement and a touch of fear. Her mind spun around in screaming circles, thoughts flying in twenty-seven directions at once. Should she fight back? Play along? Or was it time to be genuine and intimate? She had absolutely no idea what to expect from Fionna, and every conscious thought about it only set her blood pumping faster.

"...so, you're really here to satisfy your brain, then," she at last spoke, pulling Fionna's hand from her mouth. "Out of...shall we say, curiosity?"

"I'm here because I need to know what you want from me!"

The queen's heart began drumming faster. "...but you're only here to find out, yes? You didn't necessarily say you were planning to put a stop to it?"

Fionna hesitated and licked her lips, resisting the urge to back away, and resisting even harder the urge to lean closer. "...I'm here to...to find out what your game is."

"And what if it's not a game? ...what if this is the real thing?"

Fionna shivered involuntarily, oblivious to the how loose the drawstring on the robe had become. "...if this IS the real thing...why are you hesitating? Why not just pounce on me like the snow leopard you are?"

"Hmm, well maybe I'm waiting for you to make the first move this time," Ice Queen smirked back. She relaxed back into predator mode. She'd never lost the upper hand after all.

"And what if I don't make a move?" Fionna asked, trying hard to stop her teeth from chattering. "What if I follow my original plan and beat the words out of you anyway?"

"...then it'll be your loss, won't it?"

Fionna narrowed her eyes even further. She unclenched her fist and slowly brought the hand to the queen's neck, not breaking eye contact for a second. What to do, what to do, her mind screamed. Do I steal a kiss now? Do I wait? She probably already knows I'm into it...if I kiss her now, it means I'm giving up the fight! But if I don't, I'll miss this perfect opportunity while Cake's not looking...oh plop, now she's waiting for me to make a move. What do I do?!

Wait a minute. There, just on the fringe of hearing. A pattering sound approaching. Well Fionna, it's now or--

Before she'd even finished her thought, her lips froze over with that familiar stinging sensation. Her skin went tight, her spine rigid. The queen had beaten her to the punch. She drew in a sharp breath of mint-cold air that traveled up through her senses, into every extremity in her body. She wanted to close her eyes, stretch the moment out, but the sound of feet was drawing closer...

She pulled back and exhaled, breath clouding the air. Ice Queen turned toward the door to see the squishy face of a penguin peering around the corner of the door at her.

"Gertrude! Were you peeping on mommy's special guest time again?" Fionna raised an eyebrow at that remark, angrily shuffling back to the other end of the bed. She couldn't believe she'd lost the so-called battle yet again. And yet - she put a finger to her lips and felt the chill spread through every tiny hair on her arm - she rather ironically also felt as though she'd won.

Gertrude waddled a bit farther into the frame of the doorway, then found herself propelled forward at high velocity by an unexpected punt kick from behind. "Honestly, queenie, the way you run this place nowadays is just disgustin'," Cake announced as she stepped into view, holding a tray over her head. "Penguins climbin' all over your table and poppin' outta cabinets like little ghost devils and such."

Fionna leaned against the wall nonchalantly, cycling through flexing each of pectoral muscles in search of the one that controlled the speed-drumming of her heart. Yikes, that was really freakin' close, she thought. Cake almost saw...well okay, so it wouldn't have been the first time she has...and I guess it's not like Cake doesn't already know about it all...but it's still really embarrassing!

"Alright, now that I've gone and made you dummies the food you just had to have right this moment, let's get the heck down to business already!"

"Pancakes, eh?" the queen said, grabbing a plate from the tray. "How fitting. I'm also sort of impressed that you remember how to use my ice stove."

"Oh, I remember alright," Cake responded, rolling her eyes as Fionna greedily snatched a plate of her own and began loading up. "I still dunno how you managed to funk up the basic laws of physics, though. Heatin' up food with ice? Crazy biz...".

"Oh, that's easy," she responded politely between mouthfuls. "You know about freezerburn, right? Same concept. Get something cold enough and you'll actually be burning it. Fire and ice move in opposite directions temperature-wise, but still give the same end result!"

Cake shushed her and took the remaining two pancakes for herself, frowning at the full stacks she'd doled out for the others. "I didn't pay attention to Prince Gumball's science-magic schpiel, so you can bet a hundred lollipops I ain't payin' doodly to yours neither."

"You could probably stand to learn a few things once in a while, Cupcake," the queen replied testily. "Magic is a deep and ultimately rewarding subject with a lot of value and--"

"Gobbledeguck," Cake interrupted.

The queen frowned back. "It is not! It's practical, it's powerful, it's--".

"A loaf of baloney!"

"...forget it."

"Regret it!"

"Bhahah, your om fhire tohay Cafe!" Fionna giggled through a mouth crammed with chewed-up pancakes.

"Good glob Fionna, slow it down," Ice Queen said, cutting her own breakfast into smaller bites. "You're going to get a stomach--".

She was cut off by a loud burp, followed by Fionna licking her fingers excitedly. "Wow, those were awesome, Cake. You, uh...you make any more?"

"No."

"...WILL you make more?"

"No."

"Please? I've been so starving all morning."

"No."

"Why not? I'm sure snowbuns over here has plenty of food in her kitchen."

"Fionna, you've got enough food in your own kitchen! I don't wanna see you plump out like a balloon just cause ya can't control your need to feed, ya big fat weed!"

Fionna stuck out her tongue, then turned to face the queen. "You gonna finish those?"

"Yes I am," she responded, cutting another piece. Fionna watched her place each bite into her mouth slowly, but deliberately, with a defined purpose. She ate the way Prince Gumball ate, as though each piece had a distinct function, and was being decidedly sent on its way to form energy or to help a certain body part grow. Everything had a strict order. In fact, the queen did everything this way, as though anything she touched was nothing more than a game piece on the sprawling checkerboard of life. It was all a big game, and she could plan out her victory by treating everything with a dedicated purpose.

When realized she'd come to this deep and speculative conclusion solely by watching the queen eat pancakes, Fionna shook her head and dropped back into the moment.

"Okay, alright, let's get a move on here, you two," Cake ordered, tossing the empty tray on the floor. "Don't we have things to discuss or somethin'?"

"We do," Ice Queen announced, setting aside her empty plate. "Starting with what you two were doing in my private library."

Cake exchanged glances with her partner-in-crime. "...no, that's...that's absolutely not what we're talkin' about. Not at all. What're you, cracked in the head or something?"

"Yes, actually," came the response, a lone finger trailing down the still-damaged skin on her face. "Regardless, I'm fairly certain that's what we should be discussing. Now would be good."

Fionna cocked an eyebrow. "Who's running this show here, Ice Queen? Did you forget who has you pinned to your bed?"

"Fionna, this is important," the queen continued gravely. "I need to know what you know. Did you remove any books from my library?"

"What? Why? How is that even relevant?"

"It's extremely important," she continued, raising her voice a bit. "Remember how there were consequences you didn't think about when you set the Flame Prince loose? Remember that, Pudgy? This is the same deal."

Fionna glared at the Pudgy remark, but let it slide this time. "What consequences?"

"Well, that's really going to depend on what you two did in there," the queen pressed.

"Ugh, fine, whatever!" Fionna said, exasperated as she fell on her back. "We read through some of your crummy sad-romance books and Cake found a spell book with pictures of naked people in it. It's right there on the floor even!"

"...and that's all?"

Fionna threw her hands in the air. "Pretty much, yeah! Oh yeah, and I guess some random polar bear came in here and snatched off...uh, some other book, I didn't see what the title was."

At the mention of the bear, Ice Queen groaned and put a hand to her forehead. "Augh, you lead him right to the secret library? That's just fantastic, now he knows where it is! Ugh, stupid, stupid girl...".

"I KNEW IT," Fionna shouted, pounding her fists on the bed. "I KNEW something would be up with that bear! I so totally called that, didn't I Cake?!"

"Yeah, so what," Cake grunted and crossed her arms, still staring expectantly at the queen.

"...so wait, what exactly did I call?"

The queen sighed loudly. "That bear...I've been butting heads with that scavenger for many, many years now. Such a troublemaking little tramp...".

With some effort, she pushed herself up further and crossed her legs. "He's been poking around my caves, looking for...shall we say, rare items. He's like a truffle hunter, but with treasure."

"A what hunter? What's a truffle, like some kind of anteater or something?"

"No, its...puh, nevermind. He's looking for anything valuable he can get his nasty little paws on."

"Oh...so that book was probably something important?"

"Maybe," Ice Queen said, throwing her blanket aside. "Probably not. But it's the principal and subsequent consequences of the thing that really worries me. Help me up."

Fionna obediently hopped down off the bed and offered her arm. The queen was lighter now than she remembered, though her skin was no less cold. Her fingers were brittle and felt like they might snap off given too much force.

Yet for all the damage she'd endured in the past few days, she still tried to make herself appear as regal as possible about it. It was as though she refused to ever show weakness, that she could beat the odds through sheer obstinate willpower alone. Even Fionna had to respect that level of drive.

The queen steadied herself and released Fionna's hand, putting her feet apart and stretching her arms out. "Oooh, that's better...wait, ow."

"Eugh, would you at least put some clothes on?" Cake said, making a face and turning away as the queen bent at the waist to stretch her limbs. Fionna pretended to look away, not very convincingly.

"We don't really have time for that," the queen replied with a sniff. "Unless Fionna's willing to surrender that robe...".

"Fi, give it to her," Cake ordered without a moment's hesitation.

Fionna frowned back at her. "...but I'm practically nakers under here!"

"I'd rather Ice Queen be the one peepin' at you than you peepin' at her," Cake grumbled, keeping her head turned away from the queen at all times. "That's totalmente inapropro for someone with hearts in their eyes, and I don't want want any of her creeper habits rubbin' off on ya."

"Uh, yeah, no," came the response. "It's really flippin' cold in here, and I'm gonna need this robe for staying warm. And Queenie here doesn't need to stay warm. Isn't she supposed to be all about being cold anyway?"

"Truth," the queen affirmed, running her finger along the edge of another scar across her belly. "The last thing I need is my glory-bound and able-bodied hero catching hypothermia and flaking out before her impending fight."

"Yeah, well she probably wouldn't be so freezin' cold if you'd just keep your lips offa hers," Cake muttered. "...wait, what fight?"

"I'm fighting someone now?" Fionna followed.

The queen limped out of the bedroom and down the hallway toward the illusion wall. "The bear. You're going to track him down and retrieve my book, whichever one it was that he stole."

"You're really worried about this book, ain'tcha?"

"This is extremely important, Fionna, I told you already," Ice Queen said, her voice flat and stony. "I need you to take this mission with your utmost seriousness. Are you gonna be utmost with me?"

"What if I'm not?" Fionna dared to sass.

"Then you won't be getting anymore ice cream smooches," she replied with a grin, but one that quickly faded back into a grave non-smile. "Because you'll be dead."

Fionna stopped in her tracks, staring blankly into space for a moment. "Dead? Like, something's gonna murder me if I don't bomp this bear? That kind of dead?"

"That kind of dead, yes," the queen said, voice growing impatient. "Big important dead. The kind of dead where I hold your limp and lifeless shell of a body at the top of a sunset-sparkling mountain and cry out your name in bleeding anguish to the heavens because you'll never wake up again."

"Stall it," Fionna replied with a muted blow to the queen's shoulder. "Tell me what's gonna happen with this bear and book biz. And don't you skimp on the details. I gotta have details before I embark on a mission, even you should know that by now."

"Right, just like all the details you thought about before freeing the Flame Prince."

"Shut up," she muttered. "Just give me a good reason why I shouldn't just take the Cake's advice and leave you for stranded instead."

"Fine then. One long, boring explanation coming up. Make comfy your butts, if comfy upon books you can."

Sidling her way through the illusion wall, the queen coughed and ushered her guests inside, taking a seat on an uneven stack of mismatched books. Fionna allowed herself to relax a little, slightly loosening the drawstring on the robe so that it didn't dig into her stomach. She caught herself staring as the queen teased her hair back into its typical flowing, sparkling fluffiness and adjusted the straps of her bra for umpteenth time. She later remembered thinking something along the lines of "If it's bothering you that much, why don't you just take the dang thing off?" with a certain uncomfortable shudder.

Crossing her legs politely, Ice Queen inhaled deeply and looked over to her guests. "Ready? Anybody have to pee first?"

Fionna puckered her lips, then frowned. "...I'll just hold it."

"Suit yourself," the queen said dismissively. She closed her eyes, unclenched her hands, and began. "This place is old, Fionna. Very, very old. It's been around for nearly a thousand years, just like me."

"Baloney," Fionna interrupted. "You're not old. If you're so old, where's your pinchy wrinkles and your liver spots and your achin' hip, grandma?"

"Ha, those are mortal things," she replied, brushing it off her arm. "Life keeps trying to give me all of those things as birthday presents every year, but I keep throwing them in the trash without opening them. Then I shove Life face-first into the punch bowl and hold it down until it drowns. I don't take kindly to being given gifts I can't use. That's why I've stuck with this Tiara for so long...it has yet to give me a bum present for my birthday."

Fionna leaned forward a bit to listen. "What does that thing do, exactly, anyway? Like, I know ice bolts and stuff, but it feels kind of...alive, in it's own way. Is it cursed?"

Ice Queen quickly shifted her eyes back up to Fionna's. "How do you know about the alive part?" she asked sharply.

"Oh, uh...well," Fionna mumbled, threading the robe's drawstring between her fingers. "I sorta had to put it on to...well, to find you after Flame Prince did his...that explodey thing where you basically almost died."

"...so you found the Tiara before you found me?"

"Basically."

Ice Queen glanced away toward the ceiling for a moment, licked the end of her finger and slicked an eyebrow into place. Then she shrugged and carried on with her story.

"Snow is very mysterious stuff, Fionna. It's made of intricately-linked frozen water crystals. It's more complex than it looks to the naked eye. I'll bet you didn't know that there's a whole tiny world built on each and every snowflake that falls from the clouds, did you? A whole new world of dazzling wonderments like you'd never believe. Even I would never have known about them if I hadn't listened to the voice of the Tiara. Can you imagine that, tomboy? Imagine there's a whole tiny Ice Kingdom built on every single falling fleck of snow...".

Fionna shifted in her seat and coughed. "I guess that's kinda cool, but what's it have to do with the polar bear I'm supposed to go hunt down and all that?"

"This whole kingdom," the queen continued, waving her hand in a swirling motion around her, "is just that. My kingdom is a snowflake world built in our world. For all we know, our universe is just another snowflake, and every flake in this kingdom contains another kingdom with another Fionna and another Cake and another Ice Queen...".

"Or what if one of them was an Ice King?" Fionna suggested. "That could happen, right?"

"Don't be stupid," the queen scoffed. "My point is that you, Fionna, really have no idea how deep and wide my Ice Kingdom is, do you?"

"Um...I guess not?" she replied, absent-mindedly digging bits of pancake from teeth her tongue. "I mean, the only time I'm ever out here is when I'm dealing with you, so I guess I've mostly only been up this one mountain. I know there's more of 'em, but I guess I never had a reason to check 'em out?"

"Probably 'cause she doesn't want to run into YOU if she can avoid it," Cake pointed out rather spitefully.

"Exactly," came the unfazed response. "You don't even know what else is out there. Heck, I probably don't even know everything that's out there. I've gotten lost in my own kingdom before, no shame in admitting that. This place has always been a wicked winter labyrinth. But what I do know is that there are likely still dozens of treasures and relics scattered throughout it."

"Relics? Treasures?" Fionna said, face lighting up.

"Tons of them," Ice Queen nodded with the slightest crook of a smile forming at the corner of her mouth. "All kinds, scattered throughout the secret badlands of this place. You know, I always figured you two would have long since come out here treasure-hunting by now...I suppose Cake is probably right, though...nobody comes out to play while the ice witch is still kickin' around."

Fionna cast her eyes to the floor and smacked her lips. "...yeah, pretty much. I mean, why come in looking for you when we're pretty much always looking OUT for you?"

"Hmm," the queen agreed with a hinted sigh. "Still. What I'm getting at with all of this is that no matter how old this land of frost gets or how much fire damage it sustains, the labyrinths will still be there. There will always be gauntlets to travel, with treasure brimming inside each one."

Fionna pulled her knees to her chin. "Dude...even I gotta admit, that's pretty rad. I never woulda thought about raiding this place for loot at all before you just said that."

"Hold on now," Cake intervened. "That's all well and cool, but what in the name of Grod's almighty thumbs does that have to do with what you said before, about Fionna bein' dead? I thought this was s'posed to be somethin' serious!"

"It is," Ice Queen continued coldly. "The reason all these treasures exist is because that of that bear. He's a dirty thief. Steals treasures from nearby kingdoms and stuffs them in the labyrinths. I don't even know where he came from, he just keeps stealing things like he's the master of this whole domain. Never says a word, just steals things. And I definitely don't know what he plans to do with them all, since nobody ever comes around to challenge him. Something tells me it's something much more complicated than that, but I haven't been able to corner him and find out."

"Okay, so if I understand this right," Fionna said, staring intently at the floor in concentration, "There's some wack-nut bear who took your book like a crooked schmook and now it's sitting as the center prize in some super impossible ice dungeon maze."

"And that's all?" Cake piped up. "When you sum it all up like that, it doesn't make a very compellin' case, does it, Madame LeFrosty? This just sounds like a side quest dungeon crawl, not a save the world mission from Grod."

"Think for a moment, Cupcake. What other sorts of things do you find at the center of labyrinths?"

"Ooh!" Fionna chimed in. "Cool swords! Spirit animals! Master keys! Dimensional portals!"

"All correct," the queen said with a grin of approval. "Rare items of great power. But! What could be more dangerous than such a rare item if it were combined with an equally-rare book of esoteric secrets, possibly including the deepest, most complex ice magic knowledge written in the entire land?"

"A missile squid!" Fionna responded, getting into the spirit.

"...well, no, that's not what I was--".

"A living iron maiden!"

"Fionna, you're missing the--".

"A mimic shaped like a food cooler!"

"FIONNA!"

"...sorry."

The queen exhaled and pushed her hair back into place. "Now then, if Mister Bear has taken the book - let's say it's a terrifyingly powerful book of spells - and he casts a spell on an already-supercharged rare item, he might create some kind of a superweapon...or maybe a door to another universe, or Gob knows what else. And I think we can both agree, that would be a kind of maybe a bad thing, right? Hmm? For a stupid bear to wield supreme power like that?"

"Yeah...yeah, that'd probably suck pretty hardcore," Fionna admitted.

"And under normal circumstances, I'd just up and take care of it myself," Ice Queen continued, head bowed slightly forward. "But I'm rather incapacitated at the moment. I really can't do much of anything. And you're still supposedly under my hero contract anyway, aren't you?"

"Contract?" Cake asked suspiciously. "What contract? Baby, you didn't sign nothin', did you? You don't owe this hag a thing!"

Fionna cast her gaze somewhat guiltily to the floor. On one hand, she'd have liked to just say no, walk out the door back to the treehouse, play video games and eat junk food and never have to worry about the queen again. On the other hand though, she couldn't just utterly forsake her own personal oath of heroic servitude. Even deeper under the surface, whether she'd admit it to herself or not, was the part of her that still wanted to stick around anyway. The selfish, hormonal part that the queen had more or less awoken from the abyss of dormant emotions.

She pursed her lips together and breathed her troubles out slowly. The air that escaped was cold, like the hinted frost still perched on her lips.

"No contracts," she finally said. "But I'm doing this anyway, pro bones."

Cake raised an eyebrow. "Pro bones?"

Fionna put her hands on her knees and stood up. "I'm all pro for breaking some bear bones!"

The queen slipped a tiny sigh of relief and nodded. "...thank you, Fionna."

"Only one problem though," Fionna added. "How the living hecks am I supposed to go crusading through a snow maze to whomp a polar bear in nothin' but a robe and skirt without no swords or maces or even a cheap plastic wand?"

Ice Queen frowned and rose to her feet. "Hmm...I suppose you've got a point. I can't really expect you to go off dispensing justice under-dressed and out-gunned...hmm indeed."

"Don't tell me you don't have any extra clothes lyin' around for my girl here," Cake said sternly, tapping her fingers against her crossed arms.

"Yeah," Fionna joined, "What about the fresh change of clothes you brought me last time I camped out here?"

Ice Queen shook her head and began absent-mindedly nibbling on a fingernail. "Nuh-uh, I stole those from your closet while I was sleeping over at your place."  
"Oh yeah...hey, why DID you do that anyway?"

The queen buzzed her off and continued thinking, pushing herself to her feet. She strode over to a shelf of books along the far wall, straining under her breath to mask the pain. Setting her index finger to the spines, she began skimming through titles, half-whispering each one and shaking her head disdainfully all the while.

"Not talkin'?" Fionna ventured, adjusting the drawstring of the robe yet again. "What a butt."

"Yes, yes, I know," the queen replied, giving a little hip shake as she bent over to read the next shelf.

"Bleh, no, I wasn't...I didn't mean...glob, stop that!"

Cake let out a tiny giggle. "Oh stop pretendin' Fionna, we all know you got a thing for the queen's booty."

"Shut up, I do not!" She pulled at the edges of her hat in an attempt to hide the blush creeping across her face.

"Big juicy stinky dirty bubble bopper buttootie," Cake teased, smacking at Fionna's shoulder with her paw. "You're so gross, Fionna!"

Fionna moaned and crouched into a ball, pressing her face into the robe. She hadn't realized before how soft and warm the fur felt against her otherwise bare skin. Not that her face needed any help staying warm at this point.

Wait a second, isn't the queen supposed to be all about like keeping cold? Why does she have a wardrobe full of flouncy dresses and kitten sweaters and big fat fur rubes that make her all hot then? Does she sometimes get TOO cold? Like the whole so cold it burns thing she was talking about before? Well, add another thing to the List of Stuff About Ice Queen That Doesn't Make Sense...

She cautiously peered out of her hiding place. Cake grinned and pointed to the queen's rear, then stood up and bent at waist, expanding her lower body to match her figure. Fionna tried hard to stifle her laughter when Cake continued to expand, making her rump bigger and bigger. She quickly shrunk back to normal size when the queen whipped around and exclaimed, "Ugh, tell me that little wad didn't steal the one thing I'm trying to find!"

"Wuh? I don't...know?" Fionna half-asked, landing back in reality. "Whatcha lookin' for?"

"I had just been stricken by a fabulous and brilliantly resourceful idea for an outfit you could wear," she replied, giving up and leaning against the shelf. "It just needed a few enhancements...and now I can't find the book I need for that."

"Fabulous and resourceful? A few enhancements?" Fionna crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "What were you gonna do, dress me up in a chain mail bikini, but put like, an ice shield on it so my nippers wouldn't get all pokey?"

The queen grinned and snorted. "Stop giving me ideas, Fionna...no, it would've been the same shirt-n-skirt combo you always wear, just custom-modded for winter."  
"...oh. Why do you need a book for that though? Did you forget how to sew?"

"What are you talking about? I don't know how to sew..." the queen grumbled. "I mean sure, I can bend projections of light with spatial distortions, provided I have the right book, but that's a lot different than holding a tiny, wretched needle between your fingernails and trying to impale it's eye socket with a sliver of floppy thread...blegh."

Cake looked questioningly at Fionna, then back to the queen. "Projections of...what are you talkin' about, bumblebutt?"

"The suit, hairball."

Fionna scratched her head. "...a suit made of light and special doorstops?"

"Spatial distortions," she corrected her. "Did you think that was real fabric? It's fake. It's not even technically physical matter, it's just a really convincing lie! If you knew the right spell, you could probably see right through it...".

"...so, whatever!" Cake shouted, throwing her paws in the air. "What's this got to do with anything?"

"I think she's talking about the suits," Fionna said, warily. "Like the Gumball one, right?"

"And the one that looks like you as well," the queen nodded.

"Hey, wait a minute now..." Cake said, trying to shrug off the thought of the queen wearing Fionna's skin. "People suits...didn't we see a book with those in it, Fi-Fi?"

"Yeah, we did! You took it away from me 'cause of naked people pictures."

Cake nodded. "Dang right I did. You don't need to see none of that stuff. 'specially not if it's from this jerk's library."

Oh please, Fionna thought. Like I haven't already seen much worse than some stupid drawings of lumpy body parts. Try fighting a blob monster that pukes up acid milk, THEN tell me how nasty a few naked people are. They're nothing! I mean gob, I've even seen Ice Creep nakers, and that was nowhere near as bad as the monster!

"Anyway, didn't I leave it on the top shelf or something? Somewhere outta reach?"

Ice Queen shot an expectant glance toward her. "Go check. Again, I'd do it myself but...hah, no."

Cake frowned and stretched herself up to the peak of the shelf. "Yup, it's still here, he didn't get it."

"Thank Gob," the queen said, relieved. "The last thing I need is some snotsicle polar bear with the ability to distort space. Can you imagine the potential havoc of that? What if he'd just start...I dunno, hiding treasures inside of other treasures or something. Horrible disaster potential. Anyway, yes, bring the book back to my room."

Using the wall for balance, the queen staggered back to the bedroom. Fionna took note of the way she still tried to be regal and dignified as she walked, despite there being an obvious limit to how regal someone wearing naught but undergarments and open wounds could look. Fionna shook her head and trailed close behind. Was appearance really that important to the queen? Why? It hadn't occurred as a particularly useful part of her arsenal, at least not counting her own experience points.

"There it is," Ice Queen said, pointing to a passage in the book and hobbling her way over to the closet. After another moment of rummaging, she produced a very familiar-looking suit.

"...wait a minute, you mean...you want me to...oh NO. No no no no No NO!"

"What?" she asked, holding up the familiar blue outfit and fluffing it out. The yellow tuft of hair flopped and dangled around like a deflated balloon. "Just think of it like a glamour charm, or a transformation spell. Nobody would even notice if they saw you. It's literally just a fake you on top of the real you."

"That's...that's just really creepy though," Fionna said with a shudder. "Too many levels of personal space invasion."

"Well, have you thought of a more practical solution?"

"Practical? You call zipping me up in a second skin that looks exactly like my first skin practical?"

"Yes, I do!" the queen shouted indignantly. "Think about the benefits for a moment! You won't be able to freeze to death, you won't lose any of your vital strength or   
agility, you won't lose recognition or honor as a hero...maybe it's just my twisted sense of mental capacity here, but I think that sounds pretty practical!"

Fionna almost responded, then shut her mouth. Arguing with the queen was probably a lost cause at this point. Such battles were typically unwinnable anyway, but this time she actually seemed to have a legitimate point. There wasn't really anything more suitable for Fionna to wear into an ice labyrinth hanging around this place - fur robes were probably too bulky, dresses were poofy and restrictive, anything less and she would indeed freeze to death. She sighed loudly and hung her head.

"Just...ugh, fine, let's just go."

"Good girl," the queen said and handed her the bodysuit.

Inhaling sharply, Fionna turned around and untied the robe at the waist, trying not to imagine the queen's perverted grin behind her as it fell off her shoulders and onto the floor. She held the lifeless bodysuit in her hands apprehensively, her brain still insisting that going through with this would be an ultimate act of sacrilege and defilement to her entire sense of self as the last human being on the planet. Another voice in her head told that one to clam up and deal.

You've done weirder things before, Fionna. This is nothing. This is like taking a lightning gauntlet to a sea witch. This should be a potluck for you. Oh man, a potluck...what I wouldn't give for a good potluck right now! No, what are you doing! Food later, mission now! Focus!

She blinked and shook herself back into control. Her stomach let out a suppressed growl and vowed that vengeance would come later.

And with no further distractions, she stepped into the open back of the bodysuit, pulling the legs and arms and head into place. The back sealed up by itself, but Fionna could feel the seam like a belt stretched around her waist.

She turned around and presented herself to her adoring crowd with a shrug. "...eh, feels more or less normal, I guess."

"That's how it looks too," Cake confirmed with a small nod. "You'd look even normaller though if I hadn't seen what I'd just seen. Might have to scrub my eye bulbs clean now!"

"You might want to wait until we're actually done first," Ice Queen said, striding up to Fionna and taking her by the shoulders.

Fionna yelped in anticipation and dropped back for a well-timed reversal kick. She got as far as raising her leg back before a red flag registered in her brain. Her shoulders were still warm.

Still warm. The expected cold touch wasn't there. She knew she'd felt the queen's hand connect, but there was no stinging afterchill. Her shoulders were still warm.

"...Ice Queen, uh...why's your hand all totally NOT cold?"

"Relax," she purred. "You're still feeling with your first skin, you won't feel the things that grace against your second skin."

"Huh? Is that poetry? Are you poetrying me?"

"No, I'm trying to explain the answer to your question. My hands aren't not cold, it's just that your second skin is on top of your first one."

"My...so I can't feel anything while I'm in this suit thingy? Wait, then how come I still felt your grab just now?"

"No, it's not...it's like this," she responded, cocking her head to one side as she recited, "The inside of the suit is charged with spatial magic that dynamically expands its negative portalspace based on the amount of physical space displaced by any physical object within the outermost periphery of the suit proper. But any externally-applied force would push the peripheral ends of the suit together and force the negative space to displace appropriately, so--".

"Jibber jabber science sentence," Cake glossed with a wave of her paw. "What's that actually mean?"

The queen snapped to attention and shook her head. "It means you won't feel things like cold or heat or moisture, but if something squishes or cuts you, you'll still die."

"Oh."

"It means no matter how cold it gets, you won't feel a thing," she continued, running her hands down Fionna's willing arms. "Let's imagine, for example, that I encube you in ice. You'd be frozen in place, but your body wouldn't feel the freeze. If I stroked your cheek, you wouldn't feel the ice crystals forming. If I kissed you and got creative with my tongue, you'd hardly notice...".

"But I'd notice," Cake interjected. "And I'd crush your arms to jelly and spread it on my pumpernickel!"

Ice Queen craned her head around to glare at Cake for a moment, then retrained on Fionna. "Now then. Hold still a moment, Fionna."

She closed her eyes and parted her lips just enough for the sounds of nameless whispers to escape. Her hands slowly trailed over Fionna's body from the top down, patterns of reflective light flaring out from around her fingertips. Fionna gulped and stood perfectly still, curiously watching to see what became of her second skin.  
The sleeves of her plain blue shirt puffed up and stretched down the length of her arms, wrapping around her back until the whole thing evolved into a thick blue overcoat. The queen knelt down and brought her fingers down the length of her legs, passing between them at the knees, words barely rasping all the way down to her ankles. The skirt began to bend and skew in due course, winding itself down farther around her legs, conforming to the contour of her crotch. Shoes crept their way upward, swallowing the fresh-born pants and sprouting white fur around the mouth to become snow boots. The hair on the back of her hands jungled up and spread like fire, each fiber twisting into another to form a pair of fuzzy mittens the same goldenrod hue of her hair.

And with a flourish, the queen released Fionna and fell back against her bed, completely drained and panting hard. Fionna immediately turned toward the full-body mirror and struck a pose. "...okay, I gotta admit, that was kinda cool."

"Kinda cool?" Cake snorted. "More like completely unnecessary."

"Huh?"

"She just said you can't feel the cold on your second skin, ya dope! If that's true, what was the point of dressin' you up for winter, other than a cheap excuse to feel you all up without any consequences!"

Fionna turned to the queen and frowned.

"Really, Cupcake?" the queen responded with a tired sigh. "Okay now, use your noodle here with me. If the second skin were to freeze, then it's going to be awfully hard to maneuver in, first of all. And what good is armor you can't move around in?"

"Point for Ice Queen, Cake," Fionna said, holding up her index finger. "I gotta be able to move. That's essential!"

Cake folded her arms and grumbled in response, tail twitching furiously back and forth.

"So, anyway...yeah..." Fionna said, flexing her new upgrades again in the mirror. "I got freezer protection now, that's great, but I still got no actual weapon. Am I just supposed to fistfight my way to this bear guy?"

"I had figured you could just pick up a weapon along the way," Ice Queen suggested. "It's a labyrinth, Fionna, there's bound to be some bonus weapons hidden in the chests, right?"

"But I'm going in barehanded! Barehanded bear fights don't end well. I should know, I've tried...the bear's hands always bust my bare hands."

"Oh, for the love of Gertrude," she grumbled, pushing herself up against the bed with a pained grunt. "Fine, you know what? I'll MAKE a sword for you. An ice blade."

"Ooh, that's more like it!" Cake said with a nod of approval.

"But be warned," the queen continued, a glowing icicle forming between her hands. "It's only an ice sword. It's not exactly what you'd call durable. Try to use it only if you REALLY need it, cause I'm not gonna be there to sharpen or reforge it when it some rogue snow golem or icepede smashes it to tiny little bits. And really LOOK for a substitute weapon while you're out, I don't wanna hear that you smashed this thing in the first hallway and had to fight barehanded the rest of the way cause you were in a hurry or something stupid like that."

Fionna took a deep breath and let it out slowly, jamming her hands into her pockets. "So I'm really gonna go do this for you, then. This is really a thing that I'm totally going along with because you said so. All because of a stupid book that MIGHT just sort of mean the end of the world."

"That, and I asked for your help, hero girl," the queen reminded her, running a finger along the edge of the blade to finish its edge. "Don't just casually forsake that oath you keep throwing around."

"Yeah, yeah," Fionna muttered. "Fine, whatever. I still think this is probably a trap. In fact, I'm EXPECTING one when I return."

"Whoa, whoa, hang on now," Cake said, stepping forward. "What's up with all this 'I', 'me', 'my' stuff. You're talkin' like you're goin' in solo on this!"

There was a brief pause before Fionna turned away and closed her eyes. "...I am. I want you to stay here, Cake."

"Like flop I am, girl," she snorted in response. "I ain't stickin' around here with HER while you're off gallivantin' through some awesome maze, havin' all the fun by yourself!"

"That's exactly why I want you to stay here, Cake," Fionna responded, bringing her face in close. "You and Ice Queen...you guys really gotta patch up those old wounds so they don't get all infected and--".

"NO."

"But I bet if you guys would just TALK--".

"NO."

"Cake, come on, get your sass together!"

Without warning, Cake pounced on Fionna and pinned her by all four limbs, ears flat against her head, growling from the depths of her throat. "You ain't the boss of ME, Fionna, and I am NOT gonna stick around to make up with that WITCH!"

"Not like you're any bowl of rainbow ice cream yourself," Ice Queen muttered, crossing her arms and looking away sourly.

Cake hissed over her shoulder in response while Fionna struggled to free herself. "Cake come on, this could be your chance to finally set things right with her!"

"What if I don't WANNA set things right, Fionna?!"

"Bull turds! You DO want this, I know you do!"

"You even hearin' the junk you're spoutin' right now? When have I EVER said that that's a thing I want?"

Fionna finally wriggled herself loose from beneath Cake's girth and punched her shoulder hard. "You told me she used to be like a mom to you! You even said it sometimes still hurts when you bop her! If she's still a mom, how come you don't ever talk to her? All you do is tell me she's no good and offer to kick her butt so hard it flies up between her ears! Why haven't you guys ever tried to make peace?!"

A tense silence hovered throughout the room. Cake was livid, glaring at Fionna from the moment she'd spilled the beans. Her paws were cycling through several shape changes on their own, each one angrier than the last; they went from giant fists to battle axes to menacing gnarled claws in a matter of seconds.

Fionna grabbed the hem of her sleeve and glanced back and forth between the others, trying to gauge their reactions as she shifted her weight. She felt nervous she'd said too much and really wanted to just duck out of the situation without another word. But it had also felt like the righteous thing to do, and the white fire of justice burned brightly in her soul because of it.

The queen's expression was more difficult to read than Cake's. Her face seemed more or less slate-blank, but with a hint of distance, as though she were also lost in a conflicted thought. She scratched her breast and retrained her attention on Fionna expectantly.

Since no one seemed capable of effectively breaking the silence, Fionna took it upon herself. She cleared her throat. "So...I'm gonna go and do that thing now. You two are gonna find stuff to talk about while I'm gone. And I'll be back probably by the end of the day or whatever."

She turned to the queen. "Sword?"

Without a word, Ice Queen handed her the blade and pointed eastward. Fionna nodded in response and strolled her way over to the bedroom door.

"Kiss and make up now," she instructed.

"I ain't kissin' that slush-brain," Cake grumbled. "Thought that was your job, anyway...".

Fionna rolled her eyes and spun around on her heel, the clacking of her boots on the glass-ice reverberating through the ice palace. As they gradually faded away and the awkward silence once again began filling the room, Ice Queen turned to face the little kitten that had departed her company so, so many years ago, alone together for possibly the first time since that very incident. Despite the plethora of opening lines and prescribed phrases swirling around in her head, Ice Queen chose to remain silent, waiting for Cake to take the initiative.

Another moment of tense silence passed before Cake opened with "You even think about kissin' me and I'll rip out your ice cube heart with my own freakin' claws."

"Don't worry," she responded with a ghost of a smile. "I'm sure I can restrain my insatiable lust for smooches until Fionna returns."


	18. This Is My Element

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fionna tackles her first dungeon in what feels like months! Have her skills gotten rusty since then? Can she just not stop focusing on her super-sexy nemesis long enough to make her way through this biz to defeat the polar bear boss? Will the Queen's awful ice puns ever stop being so funny?

Around the slick, shimmering slopes of the gleaming ice mountains, a sharp breeze freckled with tiny granules of ice swirled through the air in small gusts and billows. Deep gullies were spilling over with pockets of accumulated powder snow that subtly crunched beneath each trudging footstep. The thick and brittle frozen blade was pressed tightly within her gloved fingers. By all means, she should have been blue in the face and blacked out on the ground.

Dang, this second skin is really pulling its weight, Fionna noted. I'm not even shivering!

Plodding slowly through the mountains en route to a mysterious labyrinth, she took the time to drink in her surroundings. After all, she hadn't seen all that much of the ice mountains up this close before, only during the occasional skirmish with her so-called nemesis. For all the babbling the Queen had done about how beautiful the mountains were, Fionna was decidedly unimpressed.

There were tall, bright blue peaks jutting out of the ground, a blue very unlike all the ice she'd seen anywhere else in the world. The peaks shimmered in the sunlight, making them hard to look at head-on. There was snow, definitely a lot of snow, stretching out in every direction. Unremarkable, white powdery fluff that would have felt pretty significantly cold and wet if not for the second skin she was wearing.

Just up ahead though, in the vague direction the Queen had given her, she could see twin ice pillars wrapped up in intricate patterns from top to bottom, split by a narrow mouth into darkness. A classic labyrinth entrance if ever she'd seen one! Her eyes lit up a bit as she homed in on the spot, purpose filling her stride.

This is more like it, she thought, kicking up snow with each step. THIS is my element! This is where I really belong, out here challenging down puzzles and facing up monsters! Not tucked away in some danky cave, getting all makey-outey with weird old ladies...this is my time to finally shine like the diamond I know I am! I'm gonna make this dungeon skittle and shake!

Boldly stepping between the looming ice pillars, she took a moment to breathe deep the sharp, cold air smell. It was weird to think she could still smell through the second skin without feeling the familiar nip of winter air on her nose. She wasn't even sure how the magic worked. But second skin or not, the scent of adventure hadn't changed; it was as fresh and enticing as ever.

And with that in mind, Fionna stepped into the first chamber of the labyrinth.

Eyes adjusting to the low light, the first thing she noticed was the icy walls in front of her. They glowed with the same soft light as Ice Queen's cave, a pleasant, low aquamarine color. The walls were very smooth and refined, and they curved inward around her, forming a simple bubble of a room with four exits.

She puffed up her chest and adjusted her grip on the ice sword and shouted "Vaya, exploradora!", marching down the hallway to the left.

This is gonna be easy as pancakes, she thought. I'm great at mazes!

The corridor made a slow curve around and eventually spiraled back in on itself. Fionna halted the moment she saw the walls come together to form a dead end in front of her. "Aw, whatever!" she snorted, and pivoted back to the way she'd come in.

Figures, I take the wrong path first, she thought, rolling her eyes. I must be out of practice or something...

Back at the first chamber, she turned to the corner of the ice wall beside the hallway and kicked it with the side of her boot a few times, until a small notch was formed.

"Rule number one", she said aloud. "Leave your mark on society so you know where you've been!"

She strolled down the corridor on the right this time, running her free hand along the wall and humming a song she'd picked up from one of Beemo's games. Much like the first corridor, it was starting to curve back inward on itself.

What a basic dungeon, she thought, once again unimpressed by the Ice Kingdom's supposed splendor. This is like greasy kids' stuff, just plain vanilla dead ends. I'm already losing hype, this is getting boring fast!

Is this what Ice Queen kept talking about? She was always prattling on about how she wants a thrill from life. If I lived in this snoozefest, I'd get bored too...

Her train of thought was cut short when the hallway again reached a dead end.

"Wow, two wrong moves in a row," she grumbled out loud, blowing a raspberry. She flipped herself around to retreat again to the first chamber. "I used to be better at this choice-making biz, I swear to glob. How could I forget that it's ALWAYS the middle? Guess I've been distracted or something…".

Yeah, distracted by old Powder-Snow-Puff and her weird thrill fetishes. And her mission that I kind of accepted. And I guess I was thinking about her mind-blowing ice kiss powers...that crazy soft hair, her snow-sparkle eyes, and those fierce thighs that could probably crush a--

NO.

"No impure thoughts during my dungeon crawl!" she shouted, kicking a notch in the wall to mark the corridor before marching off down the center corridor in a huff. "I am a driven snow white maiden of purity, possessed by the demon-spirit of ADVENTURE!"

This is my element and my special private time, she continued mentally, the loud scuffle of her boots against the icy ground echoing throughout the domed ceiling overhead. I'm gonna savor this ALONE, and it's gonna be awesome. This is my chance to do something entirely for myself, without her involved, for the first time in what, months now? So yeah, I'm here for ME right now!

...okay, so maybe I'm technically doing this because she asked me to, and it's kinda my fault I have to do it anyway, but...but...aww spam, who am I kidding? I'm not even doing this for myself at all, it's still all for her sake!

Her...AGAIN!

She grit her teeth and growled audibly, looking up ahead of her in time to see, yet again, the walls meeting together and forming another dead end.

"What the barf?! What kind of stupid maze are you, anyway?!"

She stamped her foot, sending a ripple of vibrating pain up through her body. "Garbage!" she yelled as she slumped back against the wall behind her, sliding down to sit and hold her leg for a moment.

...what was that for, Fionna? she asked herself. Why are you getting all angry again? Didn't you already go through your frowny phase? I thought you had this part kinda figured out now, and that you're done acting like such a dang bratwurst! What's the matter with you?

She inhaled again. One deep breath, then another. Push out the spice, breathe in the sweetness. Remember the smell of adventure? The scent of excitement? Yeah...there it is. Keep that smell.

A bit calmer now, she slowly rose to her feet again, shaking out her sore leg and putting her free hand against the wall. "Alright, I'm sorry for that little outburst just now, ice maze. I'll be a better sport now and treat you with the respect you deserve. You're just doing your silly maze trickery, right? Like any good maze is s'posed to! I just let my anger get the better of me...again. I'm sorry, bro. Forgive?"

"Yeah Fionna, we cool," she said in a low, gravelly voice.

"Awesome," she replied, giving the wall a light bump with her fist.

And with that, she stepped forward again, following the hallway all the way to its end.

"Oookay then," she began, taking stock of her situation. "I'm at the end of the corridor. There's walls in all three directions that I can see. I can't climb the walls because they're slippery and sheer, and I have cute fuzzy mittens that aren't built for that sort of jazz. The ceiling is really high and kinda shimmery. I guess it's supposed to be pretty cold in here. Also I kinda have to pee but I'm not sure where exactly it's gonna go if I let it out in this suit, so I'm gonna do my best to keep holding it. Now, most importantly...if I were a polar bear, and I was building a maze to protect my junk, what the heck would I put here at the end of this hallway?"

She stood still for a moment, allowed her adventurer's mind to shift gears. She suddenly dropped to all fours and growled. Not an angry growl like before, just a casual, gutteral sound not unlike the kind made by furry, arctic-dwelling beasts with white fur and a penchant for eating penguins. She shuffled her weight from side to side and crawled forward, toward the dead end wall, letting her natural adventure spirit take control.

Without "human" thoughts to complicate things, everything seemed to settle into a strangely familiar scene. From back behind her eyeballs she could see it in her mind, like a sudden deja vu relapse. Shuffling forward down a hallway made of ice. Heavy breathing noises. Bear growls. A feeling of fur against her hands.

Her face lit up in excitement. "ILLUSION WALL!" she accused, pointing a finger at the end of the corridor.

She hauled herself up and brazenly charged forward, shoulder-first. She shut her eyes and slammed into the wall, falling backward on her bottom.

...it wasn't an illusion wall?

She shook her head and glanced around. The wall was still there, but from this angle she could see that yes indeed, there had been an illusion after all. To the left of the dead end wall, a very narrow stairway was cut into the floor where the gleaming ice corners met, veering off from the rest of the corridor. It was definitely not noticeable from any other angle.

"Ha! Level one, gone and done!" Fionna said triumphantly as she hopped to her feet and put a fist in the air. She cocked her head at the stairway, trying to gauge just how narrow of a fit it would be. "...well, probably."

She flipped herself sideways and tried to force her way through the opening, but her coat bunched up against the walls and refused to budge. Her brow furrowed and she rubbed her nose idly. She placed the sides of her hands against the corners of the opening and held them up to her body for measurement.

Hmm...but what if...

Toying with the idea for a moment, she shrugged and leaned her sword against the wall. She fumbled around with her hands behind her back until she found the seam of the second skin and gently pulled it open to step outside of it.

She regretted it immediately. Cold air shifted and whisked over each and every individual exposed hair on her body. Biting her lip and moving quickly, she grabbed the ice blade in one bare hand, and the suit in the other, turned sideways, and tried forcing her way down the stairs again. To call it a tight fit would have been a gross understatement.

She yelped as the icy wall made contact with her bare belly. With a deep breath, she sucked it in and pushed back, bristling as her shoulder blades and spine pressed hard against the wall behind her. It took several awkward contortions to accommodate for her breasts, squashed uncomfortably against the burning cold wall. She had to tilt forward and put her forehead and the tip of her nose against the ice. It felt like there wasn't a single part of her body that wasn't inconvenienced in some way. Turning her feet sideways and keeping her eyes on the steps below, she slowly shimmied her way downward, one painstakingly freezing step at a time.

Guess now I know how an ice cream sandwich feels, she thought bitterly above the chattering of her teeth. Being smushed between cold things isn't exactly the high, glamorous life they make it sound like...well, I guess I'm not really one to talk, am I? At least Ice Queen isn't solid like a freaking cave wall. She wouldn't squash my chub-chubs like this...heh heh...

"Bleh, I thought I said no impure thoughts!" she shouted, sidestepping faster and nearing the foot of the stairs. "Even if my almost-nudey body being jammed up by super-chilled rock hard ice is a very apt metaphor for my current predicament in life!"

When at last her foot reached the open space of the small dome chamber below, Fionna cartwheeled her way out of the claustrophobic embrace of the ice walls and hastily hopped back into the suit, feeling it seal up on its own again. She hunched over and shivered in place for a few moments, allowing the suit to help her warm up again before pressing onward.

"Level two, I whupped you!" she half-chanted, half-shivered, pumping her fist. "I warned ya, I'm a verified ACE at this stuff!"

She paused to kick the frame of the brightly lit doorway to the next chamber a few times, leaving a notch to mark her path as she'd done before. Spirits properly lifted, she charged forward, only to stop moments upon entering the much larger cavernous chamber. Everything had gone completely sparkle white, and she couldn't see a thing anymore. Narrowing her eyes into tiny slits, she allowed shapes to slowly take their own comprehensible forms again.

Arching high above her head was a dome covered in a sprawling complex of triangular, glittering ice crystals. The floor formed a path in front of her, on either side of it a long, long drop into a sea of shining snow. There was a small circular bit at the center of the bridge, in the dead center of the room, like a checkpoint. Every last thing in this room sparkled and refracted hundreds of tiny rainbows and light flares. It was like stepping headfirst into a kaleidoscope.

Very cautiously, she took a step forward onto the bridge, trying to make out whether or not there actually was a doorway at the other end. The height of the bridge, coupled with the hinted sound of rushing air somewhere around her, made her stomach queasy. What kind of challenge was this?

She tried to focus on the bridge at her feet, baby steps bringing her closer and closer to the centerpiece. The harsh glare didn't get any better as she drew nearer to the centerpoint, and before long she had to shut her eyes alogether. The moment she did though, she locked up and dropped to her knees, trying to grip the bridge with her furry mittens. The windy sound wasn't comforting in the least and made her limbs feel like jelly. She forced her eyes back open, trading an upset stomach for a dizzying headache.

This must be an endurance room or something, Fionna grimaced, using the ice sword as a cane to pull herself back up. Ain't nothing to do but keep walking and fight through the beating, right? Bring it on then, beat me all you think you can!

Steady again, she resumed baby-stepping, trying to pick a point in the room that didn't hurt quite as much to look at. The approaching centerpiece seemed like as good a focus points as any other. She homed in on it and forced herself forward.

The moment she stepped into the circle, the room started spinning rapidly. Shapes melded into each other and all the colors merged into one painful, shining train wreck. She screamed and fell forward, expecting a distant, plunging fall into eternity.

Her hands abruptly hit solid ice, pain shooting up through the second skin all the way up the length of her arms. She swallowed back the urge to vomit. It took several moments of heavy breathing to steady herself. What just happened?

She dared to turn back and look behind her. Everything was exactly the same as she'd left it. She was still on the bridge, headed toward the door at the end of the path in front of her. The door behind her still looked exactly like the one ahead. She frowned and pushed herself on to her feet, brushing the ice particles from her mittens and checking to make sure her sword hadn't chipped or split along the blade.

…okay then, I'm still alive. How, I don't know, but I ain't gonna question the miracle of life! Better push forward and try to leave behind the crazy in this room for good.

Inhaling deeply, Fionna trained her focus solely on the darkness of the doorway at the end of the bridge, merging everything else into a blurry white blob, like an unfinished painter's canvas. Deliberately and rhythmically placing one foot in front of the other, she drowned out the discomforting gleam of the room and crossed the threshold through the open doorway in forcible peace.

A sigh of relief escaped as her eyes readjusted to the low light, her mind dropping back into normal operations. She arched her back and stretched her arms, trying to think up a good victory line as she sized up the room for the next challenge. She once again stopped short after only a few moments.

"What the frickle frack…".

A certain familiar claustrophobic staircase loomed before her.

"No way," she snarled, fingers balling around the ice sword. "Not a rotten chance in a million years! You're a lump of man baloney if you think I'm doing THAT again!"

She glared back down at the base of the doorway entrance, eyes landing on the chip in the frame she'd left with her boot. Had she gone backwards somehow?

"Is that one of those crazy spinny floors?" she asked, all but demanding the labyrinth itself answer her. "Cause that would means it wasn't just a random upset stomach spell going off in there. Did you just legit loop-de-loop me around like a weenie?"

She growled and stormed her way back down the bridge, allowing her anger to color the whiteness with a bit of red around the corners. This proved much more effective, as it was something very easy to focus on. The airy sound returned as she again approached the centerpiece.

She clenched her teeth tighter and braced herself as she stepped back into the circle, determined to overcome the sensation. Again, the moment her foot touched down, the room spun in a maddening circle of glittering lights. She tried to forcibly put one foot forward against the intense, swirling counter-pressure, and ended up once again pitching face-forward onto the bridge. She collapsed on all fours, heaving and fighting back the urge to scream at the jolt of pain in her arms and knees.

She looked up and squinted hard at the door frame ahead. The chipped frame stood out, breaking the symmetry of the scene. She beat her fist against the bridge, thoughts buzzing audibly in her skull as she coughed and sputtered her way back to stability.

"What kind of sick freak would build a spinning floor of queasy death like this?" she asked, pulling herself to her feet. "A person's stomach is sacred ground, man! You don't cast barf magic on somebody, that's the lowest curse imaginable! Who would do such a horrible thing? I bet a dang polar bear wouldn't even be that sadistic!"

Glaring over at the entrance door again, the chip in the doorway stared back at her mockingly.

"Shut up, or I'll puke on you," she muttered.

She felt her blame radar homing in on Ice Queen yet again, and retrained her attention back on the intersection. Calm thoughts, old girl. Don't let her get in your pants again. Yet…

Okay, so I'm obviously not supposed to force it. Cake's always been telling me that just cause I'm good at rushing things doesn't always mean doing it will win the battle. I gotta learn to be sneaky and brain-first, not brutal and head-first. That's like rule numero uno of dungeons, right? You can totally beat problems with your brains! I even did it to Flame Prince that way. I beat him with a volcano instead of a sword!

She smacked her lips a few times, looking around to size up the bridge room once more. There really wasn't much to work with, least of all a volcano. The ceiling was too high to reach and was physically painful to look at. The bridge itself was flat and narrow, no slopes to bounce off of. The floor was much too far away, and there was no telling how deep the snow covering it was. The underside of the bridge was an enormous tangle of icicle daggers.

I...don't really have any other options here, do I? she thought glumly. Cake says I have to learn to be more tactical, that I can't just headbutt things until I win...but what happens when I can't be tactical? I HAVE to headbutt things! And that's a thing I'm really good at, too!

Man, I never realized how much dungeons are like real life, she continued as she lined up with the doorway. It's good to know how to do a little of everything, and even better to push yourself, but sometimes when you're stuck, you can only do what you already know you do best.

I HAVE to force it, she began repeating in her head. Rush in head first, booty last.

She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Then another deep breath.

"Faith leap!" she shouted as she shut her eyes and dashed down the bridge headlong, picking up speed as she went. She listened for the rushing air sound, waiting for it to make her dizzy. The muscles in her legs tightened in anticipation. The moment the whoosh peaked in her ears, she leapt forward, thrusting as hard as humanly possible.

Clunk.

She held still a few moments, waiting to see if she'd only imagined landing her jump and whether or not she was still about to faceplant into the distant snow below. The dreaded whooshing sound was decidedly coming from behind her now. She slowly opened one eye.

The cavern twinkled back at her, it's whiteness blinding as ever. Turning her head slightly, could see no chip in the door frame ahead. Her stomach was not undergoing olympic gymnastic training anymore either. She slowly rose to her feet, snickering to herself, then laughing out loud.

"Level three, no match for me!" Fionna bellowed in a deep, heroic voice as she flexed her arms. "Feel that raw muscle, huargh! Who's next, huh? Who wants to trangle with this?!"

Riding on the wake of victory, she strode proudly through the doorway into a much dimmer hallway, glad for the ability to see without squinting again.

Okay, so it's definitely a challenge, she mused, but I am making hecka progress through this thingy. I may be a hundred levels of out of practice thanks to all the butt-sitting and drama bombs I've been dealing with, but I still got it. I'm thrashing this place! No matter what it throws at me, I'm gonna find that stupid book and bust up that bear's face, I swear it!

Wow, I guess I forgot what a rush this stuff gives you, she continued, swinging her arms a little more in stride. Every room I conquer just gets me more pumped for the next one! The thrill of victory is sweet like chocolatey cake!

Heh, the thrill...that's what Ice Queen kept mentioning. Said I give her thrills, even though she gives me chills. I wonder if this what she meant? Like I'm some kind of labyrinth chamber to her, and each time she screws with my head it's like getting closer to the prize at the center?

She sighed heavily, shaking her head. "But why are you talking about her again, you silly girl? You're deep in a dungeon crawl, you gotta focus!"

And then she fell.

The ground opened up beneath her feet and she plummeted headfirst, air rushing past her second skin and swirling around in her second ears. She flailed her limbs helplessly, grasping at thin air for something to stop the descent. She shut her eyes and screamed, bracing for impact with the ground.

Great, and to top it all off, I had Ice Queen on the brain when I fell off the world. My last waking thought was about her. That's gonna be the final words at the end of my great legacy? Frack!

The air was still rushing past in loud waves, and she hadn't made contact with anything yet, despite plunging rapidly and flailing every available limb.

How deep is this pit, man? she wondered, frowning. Not that she was welcoming the idea of ending the fall and meeting a gruesome, splattery sensation anytime soon, but she didn't expect it would take quite this long. Could this be a true-blue, actual bottomless pit?

And if so, who could have dug one? she continued. Did Ice Queen make this too? Did she really make this whole labyrinth? What was she saying before when I wasn't really paying attention? She said this whole domain is like a snowflake or something. Well yeah, duh, it's a LOT of snowflakes. What an idiot.

She has to make everything sound so grand and mysterious, even though it's really not. This whole place is literally just snow and ice. Frozen water! For gob's sake, I learned all I need to know about ice on like my first day as an adventurer! It's just hard slippery water that you don't wanna step on if you value the softness of your booty!

She thrust a hand out to the left and found herself self surprised when it hit a solid wall. She pressed her hand flat against it as she and her reflection continued to fall. Though a bit hard to make out in the dim light, she looked her reflection over, admiring what she could see of the queen's handiwork on the second skin. She had to admit that the suit definitely bore a striking resemblance to her, and that she didn't look half-bad, for a hero rapidly plummeting to the bottom of a pit likely lined with icicle spikes in a dark-ish cavern.

"But," she said out loud, perhaps hoping in the back of her mind that she wasn't completely alone, "That's not exactly me, is it? That's not Fionna."

The second skin was a fake, a magic trick, and she knew it. It wasn't the real thing, just a very accurate replica. Actually, it looked like a more pampered, well-groomed Fionna. It didn't have the real Fionna's tangled hair, or her fat rolls, or her dirty underwear, or the heavy burn scars you couldn't see but still felt buried deep. No, this Fionna was a doppelganger. A real glamour girl.

Ice Queen's glamour girl.

She sighed audibly. There's just no escaping that woman. Not even in my home turf or my private thoughts. I should be able to forget about her, lock her away in my brain vault and swallow the key like it was made of chocolate. Or at the very least, I should be able to whop her with my sword a few dozen times until she begs for mercy and I say no and kick her crown off and then sit on her and threaten to fart real loud until she promises to back off but then comes back a few weeks later anyway to do it all over again...poop.

She rolled over on her back in mid-air, putting her arms behind her head and crossing one leg as she continued to plummet in the almost-darkness. Waiting helplessly for your own bones to shatter on impact was actually quite a calming place to be, she found. A place really designed to shut out the world and allow complicated, messy thoughts to sort themselves out. Over the constant drone of updraft wind, anyway.

"I can't get rid of her," Fionna said out loud, amused to listen to her voice bounce off the hollow ice walls all around. "Everything I try doesn't work. It's like a show for her. Some kind of big goofy game, and I'm just a piece on the board. All she wants to do is play me like one of those decapitated horse-head guys that move funny. I ain't no hunk of plastic! I'm a person! I don't fit on the game board, cause my butt's too big for the squares! I'm not a game piece! I'm a game PLAYER!"

She smacked her lips. "...so if that's true, then why doesn't Ice Queen play WITH me, instead of play with me? Not Fionna the glamoured-up game piece. Fionna the opponent! Fionna the Player Two! She should play her little games because she wants to play with me, not because I'm the thing that wins the game!"

There was a loud cracking sound somewhere above her. She decided shouting probably wasn't the best course of action in a cave made of ice.

"Anyway, I've seen that look in her eyes before," she continued, lowering her voice as she replayed their last kiss in her head. "It was buried down deep in there, but I dang well know it when I see it. She was excited. She was nervous. Maybe even afraid of me! I had her in the palm of my nubby little hand. I totally could've done anything to her right then, and she wouldn't have been strong enough to do anything about it. She knew her life was kind of on the line, but she kept pushing it anyway. She was pushing it even though she was nervous, because she wanted to see if she could still win anyway."

The air felt a little lighter.

"So maybe she IS playing the game with me? Is THAT what she's been talking about? She likes the thrill she gets when she knows she might lose?"

She licked her lips. Boy do I know THAT feeling…

"Okay," she continued, brain working faster. "So she gets excited because I probably could kill her, right? That makes sense, I get excited when I could kill her too. It's adrenalistic! She knows I probably won't kill her, because of stuff, but she loves the idea that I COULD do it. So, this thrill thingy she keeps harping about is just a hunger for danger! How can I blame her for that? She's just hungry for two scoops of that sweet, sweet adventure rush! And we all know I'm the adventure-mongerin' QUEEN, so maybe...maybe THAT'S why she's naturally attracted to ME!"

Choirs of tiny cherubs assembled inside Fionna's mind and sang out in a harmony most glorious, "Finally, she understaaaaaands!~"

Making a fist around her ice sword, she thrust herself forward, swimming through the air. Staying in one place was getting boring anyway…

"I just unlocked the secrets of the whole bleeping universe!" she shouted triumphantly.

Quite unexpectedly, she tumbled uncontrollably and landed on all fours in a bank of soft snow. She paused, readjusting to the feel of solid ground beneath her as she could still hear the roar of the updraft bouncing off the walls, and confirming that this wasn't some kind of near-death hallucination. She turned around to look behind her.

A huge metal cylinder sat on the floor, thrumming loudly and vibrating to the touch. Inside, huge metal blades whirred around in a furious frenzy.

"This is a giant wind tunnel machine!" she yelled into it, listening to the blades chop up her voice. "You blew me so hard that I just kind of got suspended in the air for a long time! You're a FAKE bottomless pit! Holy cheese, what a rip off!"

She hopped to her feet and gave the machine a light kick, adding "Level four ain't no more!"

After a quick shake of her arms and legs to bring the feeling back, she promptly marched onward into the rounded tunnel ahead. The low aquamarine glow had returned, illuminating the walls enough to reveal an opening in the wall at the end. A row of icicles hung menacingly from the top of the doorway, and there were two small holes punched above and to either side of it. Fionna stopped in her tracks for a moment. From this exact spot, the windows and door resembled a glaring skull.

"Aww yiss, boss room!" she shouted, pumping her fist into the air. "Finally! That's gotta be where the bear is!"

With a skip in her step, she readied her sword and strode forward through the mouth of the ice skull, ready to greet the climactic conclusion of this long, frozen dungeon crawl.

I'm ready for you, scaredy bear, she psyched herself up. Heck, I'm ready for ANYTHING. Nothing in this place is like it seems, so I'm gonna be ready for any trickety trick you can toss at me. I'm expecting the unexpected! Bring it right on, tufty!

She slowly moved toward the center of the room, noting that the skull door was its only visible exit. Disorderly piles of assorted treasures and goods were scattered around the place, veritably dripping with coins, chalices, pendants, flags, books, clothes, and so many other non-lethal treasured items. Oddly, there wasn't a weapon to be found here, Fionna noted with some level of disappointment. There certainly was a lot of junk here though.

...and there was a polar bear lying on its side, propped up against a stack of books.

"Aha!" Fionna shouted, approaching it. "Surrender the book you stole, whitey!"

The bear grunted and slowly rose to all fours, one such book in its mouth. It appeared to have been snoozing only moments earlier.

"That's not how ya do brain food, y'know," she said, wagging her finger. "You're supposed to READ books, gather intel and acquire power through knowledge! Or y'know...at least look at the pictures and make your best guess!"

The bear snorted and shuffled toward her slowly, steamy clouds puffing from its nostrils in the chill air.

"Oh, lemme guess, you already memorized the book, didn't ya? And now you're gonna use your knowledge to unleash horrible shadow magic on my face, right? You gonna give me a face full of oozy pimples filled with hot lava, so every time I try to pop one it burns a hole in my skin? That's gross, man! You're gross!"

She only received a low, throaty groan in response.

"Okay so come on, then! What are you waiting for, teddy? Smack me with your best shot!"

Huge paws thumped patiently on the ice floor.

"Yeah boi!"

With one exaggerated motion, the bear reared up on its hind legs, arching its spine slightly and drawing back its right claw. With an equally exaggerated motion, Fionna puffed herself up, arched her spine and drew back her ice blade. In unison they both bellowed out a deafening, echoing roar that rattled the very walls of the cavern as they thrust forward.

She felt the hulking beast's weight bearing down on her as it struggled, its jaw resting on her shoulder. Sticky saliva spilled out the side of its mouth as its breath rasped and coughed in her ear. She pushed even harder in an effort to shake herself loose, forgetting for a moment that her sword was only made of ice.

That is, until the hilt of the blade snapped off in her palm.

She gasped and rolled out from under the bear's girth, crashing into a stack of silver coins. She immediately hopped back to her feet, tossing the broken hunk of ice aside and striking a defensive pose. The bear lay flat on its chest on the ice floor.

She hopped spritely from foot to foot, waiting for the counterattack. The only sound to be heard was her own breath, trapped inside the doppelganger suit. That same sound didn't seem to be emanating from the bear's mouth. She watched as it slowly began to develop a red undertone to its pristine white fur.

"You're already dead?" she asked, dropping her arms back to her sides. Logically, the bear didn't respond.

Stepping over cautiously, she prodded the bear's snout with her foot. "Yo, wakey wakey."

She stooped down and pulled the book it had dropped from beneath its muscular frame, noting the fresh blood slathered across the cover. "No wakey wakey?"

Hesitating only for a moment before remembering that the blood was only staining the hands of the Fionna Suit, she opened the book and sifted through the pages. "...this IS the right book, right? You didn't like, hide it or any--oh, nope, this is definitely the right book, cause I spy pictures of nudey nudists right here. This is most definitely the right book!"

Aside from the fresh blood on the cover and a few toothy depressions from where the bear had held it, the book looked no different than when she and Cake had found it the other day. No missing pages, no latent incantation smell, no residual floating sparkles.

Glancing around the so-called treasure room, Fionna noticed that there really wasn't anything particularly special about any of the treasure. It was utterly disorganized, the objects were shiny but mostly mundane, there was no real sense of mysticism like the kind ice queen had made it seem would be going on here. The bear didn't even look the part of a mastermind villain beast. It looked like a standard-issue, albeit currently lifeless, polar bear.

"Ice Queen, are you off your crocker?" she asked aloud. "There ain't no mystical mumbo jambalaya going on here, it's just a dumb bear with a bad case of kleptomania!"

...that I killed, she added guiltily.

Still curious, she laid the book aside and, with some effort, flipped the bear over on its back to see the ice blade lodged deep into its chest, already melting in the warm pool of fresh blood. She hadn't even technically made the kill, she told herself. The bear had more or less fallen forward on the blade and gravity had done the real work. She just put the blade where it needed to be, the bear had signed its own death warrant. The blood wasn't even technically on her hands. Technically.

She glanced back down at the tainted book and turned one hand over. Nope, still technically not on HER hands…

That made it easier to accept.

"Welp, I guess that about solves it, right?" she said to the room at large. "Time to scoot on back to bubblebutt's lair and claim my reward!"

What reward...? The voice in her head asked faintly before disappearing.

She took a deep breath, kicked a pile of silver coins, then half-shouted "I'm outta here, polar bub! Uh...enjoy the dead world, I guess. Send me a postcard sometime, sorry you had to leave us so early, yadda yadda, all that funeral stuff. I'm just gonna let myself out of the convenient boss chamber exit to the surface now, 'kay?"

With a flourish, she rapped her knuckles against the wall behind the bear, a self-satisfied smile emerging on her face as the ice shifted to one side, revealing a glassy staircase leading straight upward. There was always a shortcut back to the surface. No maze master would dream of running their own gauntlet every time they left the place.

Relieved to have walking space this time, Fionna strode casually up each step, summarizing the events of this chapter in her epic Ice Queen Saga.

Why did she make me kill a mostly-innocent bear like that? was the most glaring thought on her mind. She seemed to know a lot about this guy, said he was a dangerous creeper and that the freakin' world was in danger, but really he was just a little rapscalliwag. He wasn't really hurting anybody, was he? Why did she need me to knock him off? Not that I'm sorry or anything...

Click. Clack. Her synthetic shoes made impressively believable tapping sounds against the ice stairs as she climbed.

Surely she sent me out here for a good reason, but...what the heck was it? Was it to teach me something? Or to send me out in the cold in my skivvies and snicker at all the donk-ups I made? Nah, it had to be to teach me a lesson or something. Did I learn anything though?

Click. Clack. Pant. Pant.

Let's see...I missed the first secret passage because I was distracted and kinda overconfident in myself. I had to just keep moving to get through that tight squeeze. The spinny-floor was super confusing, but I just had to let go and trust thrust my way through that. The thing that looked like a bottomless pit was really only a bucket drop once I stopped worrying and tried to figure it out. And the final boss was a cake walk, because...because I was expecting it to be a some high-octane battle, right? But it wasn't what I thought it would be. This whole quest wasn't what I thought it would be. That's because this wasn't a legendary quest...it was more like an elementary test!

The footsteps stopped, as she leaned against the wall to catch her breath.

"Well glob slaggit, it WAS all a test!" she said, putting her free hand to her chest.

She never even cared about the bear at all! This whole thing was a setup to help me learn! She knew I needed an adventure to help me clear my thoughts, and she mind gamed me right into helping myself understand what this whole thing was all about! I freakin' get it now!

Reinvigorated, she finished her climb in deep thought, arriving at a small platform with a door carved into the snow, lit by the vague bioluminescence of the ice mountains themselves. She put a hand on the door, shook her head, then reared back and kicked it right off its nonexistent snow hinges, natural light flooding in from the other side and blinding her eyes.

Taking a moment for her senses to adjust, she stepped out onto a tiny unmarked snow bank off to the side of the two pillars at the entrance of the labyrinth.

"I knew it!" she shouted gleefully before clapping her hand over her mouth. The last thing she needed now was an avalanche.

Giggling to herself, she slid down the mountainside and hopped her way back through the deep snow, trying to land in the footprints she'd made on the trip in.

...okay, even if I hate to say it - and I DO - that was actually kind of fun, she admitted to herself. In a funky, rage-inducing puzzler kind of way. There's nothing that hits the spot better than nailing the coffin on a nasty puzzle!

She immediately clamped a hand to her stomach to suppress the familiar growl of the beast within. Okay, so maybe food might still be better. But only by a little bit!

Off on the distant horizon, the sun was on its way back down again, slinking away and taking all the blue of the sky with it, leaving behind yellow and orange and purple to keep the ice mountains company. Fionna stopped to stare in amazement for a moment. The Ice Kingdom finally felt alive to her, she could really see the same splendor the Queen could in that moment.

I wonder if Queeny and Cake finally made up, she thought, carrying on back toward the Queen's cave.

I wonder if they made brunch. I'm starving.


	19. I Guess We'll Always Be Enemies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Fionna's out scrambling through ice dungeons and stabbing polar bears, what's left for Ice Queen and Cake to do but talk? Cake seems pretty tight-lipped and foldy-faced though, so the Queen takes center stage to tell a few short tales, drop some history lessons, and yammer about ice magic and weird science gunk that nobody but her could possibly ever understand.

"Soooo," her voice crooned, rolling the words around in her mouth like a noble taste-testing a very expensive wine, "Who's going first?"

"'scuse me?" Cake replied. "First at what?"

"Oh you know," the queen continued with a flick of her wrist. "Telling sob stories, apologizing profusely, deep-hugging our troubles out, promising for a better tomorrow through tears of reconciliation, all that faux-romantic fakey drama they do in movies and such."

"I ain't apologizin' to you," Cake said with a nasty sneer. "And you can bet your triple-X undies my stories don't have a single sob in them!"

"Oh come on, don't be like that. Fionna wants us to make up, and we should respect and honor her wishes."

"Don't think I can't hear your sass, Your Travesty," she said, crossing her arms. "I know you don't really give a hoot about makin' up, and neither do I. We ain't got jack-daniel to talk about!"

Ice Queen huffed and rolled her eyes. "How typically feline. You're in denial, there's plenty to discuss."

"Then discuss it with my butt," Cake grumbled, turning away.

The queen stared silently at the invisible wall erected between them for a moment. She had, of course, expected this. She had counted on Cake clamming up and shutting her out. Yet even for completely expecting it, she now found herself unsure of how to respond.

"Okay Cake's butt," she said, doing her best to roll with the situation. "Ask Cake a thing for me."

She only received a curt 'poot' sound in response.

"Ask her how she wants to spend the time we have until Fionna gets back. Ask her if she's going to just stare angrily at that wall until she develops heat vision and burns a hole right through it."

"Beats talkin' to an ice witch like you," came the mumbled reply.

Ice Queen snorted and felt her hands ball up. "Frankly Cupcake, you're no bowl of rainbow ice cream yourself."

"I told you to stop calling me Cupcake," the cupless Cake growled, glaring back over her cold shoulder. "That ain't my name."

"Fine, fine," the queen said, putting up her hands. "So we're just...not talking to each other at all?"

"You can shut up or I'll shut you down."

Ice Queen pursed her lips and exhaled. Her mind was already buzzing like a beehive with prepared snappy retorts and snarky quips, all lining up in the back of her throat, waiting to fly free from her lips. Her mouth opened and closed once or twice, but something was holding them back. She instead swallowed the words and slowly sank against the wall into a sitting position.

Well, this is bizarre, she thought, eyes on the ceiling. I'm never at a loss for words. Words are one of the most powerful weapons in my arsenal. Sarcasm and wit have always been at my forefront in conversational warfare, and yet I can't seem to use them today. They'll just bounce right off that wall of hers and have no effect. If I'm going to talk to her at all, I'll need a different approach…

"...I'm going to make waffles," she said at last, pulling herself back up and wincing as the scars on her calves burned.

"Waffles?"

"I'm still hungry," she continued, cracking her neck and biting back another twinge of pain. "And it beats trying to make chit-chat with your stinkier side."

There was a faint snort from Cake. And then, after a short pause, "...make some for me too, then."

"Mhm."

She tossed back her hair and strode into the kitchen with her head high. It was a habit she'd never given up, even if it hurt now. As a queen, she felt obligated to show regality whenever possible, for to show any less than complete autonomy of herself would be to show weakness.

Her body grumbled that it would be fine with showing weakness in exchange for more rest.

Honestly, why do I care whether or not Cake will talk to me? she pondered as she rummaged in the cupboards for a mixing bowl. That ungrateful little beast doesn't care about me. She hasn't cared about me in years. I don't even know if she ever cared about me at all. So am I trying to make up with her just because Fionna wants me to? Since when is the bunny rabbit in charge of me?

Cold air puffed and steamed out from her nostrils as she tightened her grip on the spoon, mixing furiously. Who is she to give orders, anyway? This is MY domain. I am the queen of the ice and snow, I should be calling the shots here!

...so why does talking to Cake feel like the right course of action?

She filled a waffle mold made of thick permafrost with batter and flicked the knob on her science-defying stovetop, watching as the temperature dropped further and further below the degrees measurable by most scientific instruments, until the blue flame froze so hard that it began to burn and bake.

Maybe Fionna was right...maybe there are things we need to talk about. But Cake is as stubborn as a bear in hibernation, there's no way she'll wake up and talk to me. Not willingly. I'll need to pry around. There has to be a cracked link in her chainmail somewhere…

"It's really too bad we can't talk, Cake," she said aloud, icing the last word a little thicker than the rest. "Fionna will probably be quite upset with us when she returns, only to see that we haven't done any making up at all."

"So what then, let her be upset," Cake replied from the other room. "She's always upset about somethin' or other these days. Girl's got a whole math test full of problems in her head already, somethin' insignificant as this ain't gonna kill her."

"...wow, that's harsh."

"What do you know, anyway?"

"Well I know that sounds pretty selfish," the queen said, peering out from the kitchen doorway.

"Selfish nothin', Fionna's a fighter!" Cake said, raising her voice as she glared back over her shoulder. "Give her some problems and she'll tear 'em apart! She lives for that sorta thing! No, you wanna talk selfish, let's start with YOU!"

"...who, me?" the queen asked, pulling a finger out of her nose and wiping it on the wall.

"You're the biggest glompin' problem to come along in her whole entire life!"

She waited a moment to respond, and it was the usual sarcasm that finally came out. "...so should I take that as an achievement, or an insult?"

She was met with a sudden, stinging slap across the cheek. Cake slowly reeled her arm back in, hissing, "Who do you think you are, hag?! Look what you're doin' with your life! Torturin' this poor girl's mind with your sick romance and your manipulation and your...nasty eyebrows! What are you tryin' to accomplish? You know, you're gonna get yourself KILLED if you keep pushin' her buttons like this!"

"Nice to know you care," Ice Queen replied sorely, rubbing her cheek. "I've got nothing to worry about though, Fionna won't kill me."

"You sound pretty sure about that."

"What, I've got reason to suspect she would? Or even could?" the queen replied from within the kitchen, pouring batter for another waffle.

"I'm just sayin', watch who you cheese off, Ice Queen," Cake said with a wave of her hand. "You talk big, but you got a giant bullseye painted right on your weak spot. And my baby's a champion bullseye-crusher!"

"What weak spot?"

"That stupid tiara of yours!"

Immediately, her hand reached up to touch it out of sheer instinctive habit. It was indeed still securely affixed to her head. Its cold frame resonated with familiar and reassuring echoes through her fingertips, whispering tender words of crystalline fortitude into her brain.

"Not like it's a big secret or nothin', Queenie," Cake continued flatly. "We've known since like forever that you get your powers from that thing, and all we gotta do is ploop it off your head like a ketchup bottle to turn you into nothin' more than a weak, sick puppy."

"IF you can even get close enough to my head in the first place," the queen added with a huff. "As you said, it's also the source of my powers. Which, need I remind you, are nothing to scoff at!"

"Puh-lease," Cake groaned. "We scoff at 'em all the time! Did you forget that my baby's had you totally floored and beggin' for your life before? More than once, even! You were at her flippin' mercy, and she was red-hot mad! And you still think she couldn't kill you if you go and push one too many buttons?"

"Just because she is capable of killing doesn't mean she'll actually do it," the queen said, brushing the hair from her face as she filled the waffle mold again. "She's far too much of a goody-goody to kill someone. Anyone."

"Didn't stop her from helpin' you snub the Flame Prince…".

"That was different."

"How though?!" Cake yelled, throwing her hands in the air. "How was that any different, and how does that prove me wrong? Fionna's got the skills, she's definitely got the motive, and she's already proven she can kill! What makes you think she won't do it to you? What makes you so invincible? Geez, it's like you don't even care about the danger you're puttin' yourself in!"

"I do care about the danger!" Ice Queen shouted back, pounding a fist on the counter. "That's the point, you lunkhead!"

For a moment Cake remained silent, her face slowly scrunching in and out of several different emotional configurations. Finally, she responded with: "...you sayin' you got a deathwish or somethin'?"

There was a muffled, disapproving snort from the queen, followed by a hesitant but forceful: "Life isn't that much without one...".

Slowly padding her way into the kitchen, Cake stared the queen down and asked in a slightly more somber, but every bit as serious, voice: "...you WANT to die?"

Her lips tightening and her eyebrow twitching, the queen said, with some forced patience, "I just...I want to live my life like I MIGHT die at any minute. Understand?"

The words hung in the air for a few moments, possibly stilled by the cool air, or maybe by the inescapable chill of her tone. Muted, shuffling penguin noises emanated from behind them. The smell of burning pastry finally cracked the moment.

"No, I'm confused," Cake started again. "What's your angle here? You think you're gonna die soon or something?"

Taking a deep breath, the queen stood up tall and tugged her robe back into place, tossing a burnt waffle into the trashcan under the sink. "I'm not going to die. I'm just old."

"Yeah, no poop. What are you, three hundred and eighty-seven?"

"Don't mock me," the queen growled. "Three hundred and eighty seven years would fly right past you too if you were the one wearing this tiara. After so many years, numbers just stop meaning anything."

Cake smacked her lips. Then her eyes narrowed in thought. "So what then, you're even older than three hundred eighty seven? Like four-hundred and fifty six? Is that even a real thing? How can anyone live that long?"

"Ice."

"Pardon?"

The queen pointed to the tiara, sitting ever neatly at the crown of her head, and enunciated slowly, "Ahhhh-eeeeee-ssssss".

"I heard you before! Make sense this time!"

The queen sighed dramatically and motioned toward her face. "Look at my face. This face looks like an old face, right? We can probably agree on that, I look old. But I don't look like an ancient mummy from a sarcophagus, do I?"

"Myeeeeehhhh," Cake meowed, turning her hand back and forth.

"Oh shut up," she griped, turning the waffle over. "If I'm really as old as I know I am, then my body should have withered up and crumbled away a long, long time ago, and I shouldn't even be able to remember a thing. I should be nothing more than a sack of husky wrinkles, muttering shakily about breakfast to the voices in my walls."

Cake's mouth opened, ready to automatically spill a cocky response, but stopped short when it was immediately blockaded by a barrier of freezing fingers.

"I said shut up!"

She slapped the cold hand away and spit on the floor, rubbing her lips with her arm. "Don't touch me."

"I'm as old as the mountains," Ice Queen continued. "But my body is still rocking the cougar look. Why do you think that is? Let me answer that for you: it's ice."

Eyes pulling back into deeper thoughts, she gestured to the burning ice stove beside her. "Ice is a very mystical thing, Cake. It's a complex web of interconnected water crystals that bond together due to a lack of interference from heat or air. It's what happens when each drop of water cloisters up and melds into one hard, thick piece."

Cake yawned in response, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Ice traps things inside itself. It forms a crystal cocoon around the natural processes of life and keeps them in an eternal state of detachment from the rest of the world, or even reality, while still allowing them to function on the inside. Ice shuts down the flow of external time within its walls. So even though my body is still living in the real time stream, the ice is all but halting the flow of that same stream behind its barriers altogether."

"And where does this ice come from, Cake?" the queen asked, turning to face her as she added the final waffle to the breakfast plate. "It all comes from this very tia--HEY! You're not even paying attention!"

"Of course I'm not," came the groaning reply from the floor. "Geez, you're as borin' as Prince Gummyballs with your science talk. I can't stand listenin' to all that jumbo!"

"I just gave you a free demo on Ice Theory 101, and you act like all I've been doing is flapping my cheeks!"

"It's ICE, you dumbnik!" Cake shouted. "Cold water that got real hard and cold cause nature told it to! I don't give a tail's swish about how it all works, I ain't no scientologist! I just asked how come you're so old, and why you're talkin' about dyin' and stuff! If I wanted a science lesson, I'd just invite the pink prince over for tea with my boyfriend!"

The queen crossed her arms and frowned. She had been looking for a good opportunity to teach Ice Theory for years now (quite a lot of years, if her alleged age was any indication), but just as she'd always suspected, nobody cared. The sheer scientific and magical scope of her entire preserved existence, the boundless pool of intriguing discoveries she'd amassed through hundreds of years of practice and perfection...nobody ever cared about the things she thought were cool, even in the literal sense of the word.

"You wouldn't understand anyway…" she finally grumbled, half-heartedly.

"I wouldn't CARE anyway," Cake corrected her, crossing her own arms.

"Of course you wouldn't," the queen sighed. She carried the plate back into the main room and set it out on the table. "You're such a selfish little kitten."

"Selfish, huh? YOU wanna lecture ME on bein' selfish?! Ho ho, that's a laugh and a half!"

Raising herself up on stilted legs, Cake brought their faces level with each other. Her hot breath washed over the queen's nose when she spoke. "You think I'M selfish, let's talk about you and my girl!"

"YOUR girl?" the queen asked, pushing a grabby penguin flipper away from the plate.

"My rebel teeny little sister!" Cake continued, shoving the queen down on the couch. "Let's talk about how all this nonsense got started! Let's talk about Square One and the night you busted in on Fionna in the flesh!"

Ice Queen wiggled around in place until she found herself comfortable, then put her chin in her hand, looking to the floor for a moment. "...refresh my memory."

Cake grabbed her by the cheeks and shouted. "The night you snuck into our dang bathroom!"

"...oh yeah, the night she broke my nose with a faucet, right? How could I forget?"

"So why'd you do it? Why'd you go and muck up Fionna's innocence with your selfish, sleazy sauce?"

The queen pulled away from her grip and tossed her hair back. "I can explain that one, actually."

Cake cocked an eyebrow expectantly.

Ice Queen took a mouthful of waffle, swallowed, then nonchalantly cracked her wrist. "That was mostly the root beer's fault. Not the first time I'd knocked a few too many back and gone a little overboard, mind you."

"...root beer?" Cake asked, unimpressed.

"It really was my birthday, that day," she said with a nod. "I came home to find a fresh mess in the kitchen. Gertrude had ruined the beautiful cake I slaved over all day for my party. Naturally, I got a little hot-headed angry and I chased her down all over the house. A few scampering escapades later, everything's dealt with and I decide I need some time to relax. So, I break out the root beer. It's pretty potent stuff, great for taking the edge off a bad day, but it really screwdrives your judgment if you overdo it."

Cake smacked her lips. "So what, that's all? You're just gonna blame your whole catalogue of creeper sins you've committed on some bad dessert? That's pretty stupid."

She took another bite before responding. "No, I guess not EVERYTHING is the root beer's fault. But it certainly gave me the bad judgment to act on my silly whims like that. Root beer and I have had a complicated relationship over the years…did I ever tell you about what happened between me and Prince Gumball?"

"No, and I don't wanna hear it," Cake replied automatically, sitting down to grab a waffle for herself. "Every story about you and Gumball's exactly the same, anyway. You wanted to get in his pants, Fionna showed up to save the day, she bopped your noggin with her sword a few times, you flew your sorry booty back here to your lonely little cave to scheme up another lamebrain pain train scheme. End of story, I win."

"Oh hush. You're wrong anyway, this story was way before Fionna's time," the queen said, taking a breath to begin.

"Wait wait, back up," Cake interrupted. "Before Fionna's time? So this happened back when Gumball was just a kid?! That's sick, Ice Queen!"

"What? No, not THAT long ago. Why would you think that?"

"Simple math, dummy," Cake explained, pointing to a strip of waffle she'd just cut, as though each square represented a year. "Okay, so here's Gumball's lifeline, right? You said it was before Fionna, so we'll just take this knife and minus that many years from Gumball, that's almost 20 of his years right there. And that only leaves like--".

"Gumball isn't 20-something," the queen pointed out, stabbing another waffle with her fork.

"Huh? What is he then, 30-something? He doesn't even look that old."

"You're still a few hundred years off."

For several moments, Cake didn't say anything, just stared blankly back at the queen.

"The story I'm thinking of happened, oh...three, maybe four hundred years ago? I can't remember, it's a little hard to pin down the exact number of years, if you recall what I was saying before."

Cake remained silent another moment, then frowned and put her leg up on the table. "Ice Queen, hold this for a second."

Raising an eyebrow, the queen slowly placed her hand around Cake's ankle. She thoughtfully chewed her mouthful and watched as Cake stood up and slowly walked all the way across the room, stretching her leg to accomodate. Once at the wall, she turned around and looked dead center at the queen again.

"...you're pullin' my leg, ain'tcha?"

With an exasperated sigh, the queen shoved Cake's leg off the table and rolled her eyes. "I'm not kidding, this must have happened ages ago! Gumball isn't exactly a fresh-off-the-block kid, you know. He's ancient."

"Baloney! If he's so old, how come he looks so svelte and suave? And don't tell me it's cause of your stupid ice magic!"

"I don't know, why don't you ask him sometime?" The queen reclined a bit further in the ice couch, stretching her legs under the table. "I'd ask him myself, but you know he won't tell me anything. Not these days, anyway. He's changed a lot since back when this story took place."

"Changed?" Cake asked suspiciously as she brought herself back to the table, reloading on breakfast.

The queen set aside her fork and closed her eyes. "We used to be pretty good friends, actually. We'd stay up half the night, talking about our latest discoveries and how to run our kingdoms and such."

"But if you were all buddy-buddy with each other, how come he's scared of you now?"

"Well..." she said with a dismissive shrug, "the MORAL of the story is that root beer really puts a squeeze on your good judgment. I had too many one night, and I basically did exactly what you were worried about. I tried to get in his pants. Literally, I think. And ever since that night, I think he's completely convinced that's the only thing I want from him at all."

Cake didn't say anything, but her face folded into a completely unconvinced, disbelieving smirk that all but forced the queen into saying the rest of it.

"Okay fine, and maybe he's at least partially justified for thinking that!" She folded her arms and blew the hair from her face. "The REAL moral of the story is that you didn't know that about me and Gumball. And that you didn't know about the inhibitive effects of root beer. And that root beer is a completely valid excuse for barging in on Fionna oh-so-many nights ago."

"Valid excuse my butt," came the retort. "Ice Queen, you can't just blame all your bad habits on somethin' else when it's convenient! You gotta take responsibility for what you do!"

"Fine, then I DO take responsibility for all the feel-good, ice-crystal lipstick I've swapped with her."

"Ice Queen!"

"Why do I feel like I'm being lectured right now, Cake? Why are you treating me like I'm Fionna?"

And moreover, why am I allowing it to happen? she added to herself bitterly.

"What are you talkin' about, you nugget?" Cake asked, hands on her hips.

"She kept calling you 'mom'," the queen answered, still half in thought. "Now I think I see what she meant. You can be so overbearing and wet blanket-y."

"Hey, it ain't like that anymore! Me and Fionna understand each other better now, we had a nice long girl moment about it while you were conkered out!"

"Then why are you still acting this way? Why do you always insist on being absolutely right about everything?"

"Because that's my job!" Cake growled. "Even if I'm givin' her more free reign, lettin' her make her own decisions, she's still gonna be a little clumsy! Someone's gotta be there to help mop up, to give her guidance when she's got none!"

"And that's YOUR job, and your job alone?" the queen pressed, adding some grit of her own. "You're the only source of guidance Fionna gets? What if you say something wrong?"

"What's your point?!"

"So who cleans up after YOU if you screw up? Who's the mom figure in YOUR life now, Cake?"

Before she'd even finished the sentence, a fist struck her hard across the jaw. Before she could even put a hand to her face, she was yanked forward by the collar of her robe. Before her stood Cake, white fur bristling and blue eyes livid.

"Don't you EVEN bring my mother into this!" she snarled viciously.

"Why not?" the queen spit back. "Why don't we talk about your mother, Cake?"

"Because she's DEAD," Cake hissed through her teeth. "She's dead and she ain't comin' back! She's dead because you cold murdered her!"

"I had to do it, Cake! I had to make that call!"

"Liar!" she screamed, slamming Ice Queen against the hard floor. "You didn't have to kill her! You didn't have to kill my family!"

"Stop!" she cried as the pain of the impact shot through her spine. "I was...I was only doing what mothers do, Cake…".

"Mothers LOVE and PROTECT!" Cake shouted, slamming her against the floor again and again. "They don't MURDER! They don't!"

"I had...to make that call...Cake," the queen said between shortened breaths. "Someone...had to look out...for you…".

Cake stopped her assault, fingers still gripped tightly around the edges of the queen's robe. Her heavy breathing slowly began to stabilize, though she still feel the bubbling, boiling heat behind her eyes.

"I was...just doing...what mothers do…" Ice Queen repeated firmly, catching her breath as well. "Looking after you...".

Cake didn't say anything. Her nostrils flared once or twice. Her eyes became more distant, and her fingers slowly loosened as she picked herself up off of the queen and sat against the edge of the ice couch.

"...can I tell you another story, Cake?" the queen said, much softer, as she pushed herself up into a sitting position, despite the burn notice in her arms and back. "From one mom to another?"

Cake's eyes dilated again to their normal size and darted toward the queen. They reflected a complex mixture of emotions, from smoldering rage to hidden curiosity with a dash of hurtful memory. A perfect recipe for story time. She nodded and kept her eyes pointed at the queen.

And with a deep, cleansing breath, the queen began:

"So many years ago, back in a time long before all of this...before the Flame Prince, before all this trickery and deception, before Fionna even existed...this mountain was a disaster area. Eternal black storm clouds swirled overhead. The fierce, chilling winds would blow you right off the mountain and shatter every bone in your skeleton. And I was the one who made it that way."

The queen looked toward the ceiling and closed her eyes, digging through a locked chest full of darkened memories. "No one dared to come and visit my ice worlds. No one even wanted to. They were beautiful, Cake. Truly astonishing marvels full of tall, glistening towers and frozen waterfalls and upside-down pyramids with enormous ice dragons carved around each pillar. But nobody could brave the cold, nobody wanted to get too close to me. They feared me and my wicked ice magic, and they stayed tucked away in their own kingdoms."

She sighed and opened her eyes again. "To be fair, I didn't have a great reputation, anyway. Did some bad things, started some wars, the same dumb things that any queen eventually has to go through at some time. But the point is that I was alone and nobody cared about me, as long as I wasn't terrorizing anyone. Nobody hated me enough to attack, and nobody cared about me enough to check up once in a while."

She slowly turned to face Cake, who stared back silently and just a bit sourly. "And you know, no feeling in the world is worse than when you're alone with no one to keep you in check. You start getting ideas. You start wondering about things that you know are bad for you. You start to wonder if you can kill the loneliness by talking to yourself. Playing with yourself. Daring yourself to try scary new things. Talk yourself into playing with dares, in search of a new thrill, to remind yourself that you're still alive and what it means to feel that way."

Cake gave an angry sigh and folded her arms. "You got enough backstory context there? Sure you don't need to scoop on any more before tellin' me the REAL story?"

Ice Queen glared back at her and ground her teeth together. Even when she spoke directly from the sacred corners of her brain and her heart, she was still being pushed aside and ignored. She was being treated just like the villain she knew she'd been acting like for so long. She took another deep, calming breath and released it slowly and purposefully. Then, she continued.

"On that particular night, when I was experimenting with extreme blizzards and lightning, I felt something. You know when you're by yourself but it feels like someone's watching you? That's what I felt. No one had come to visit me in so many years, I'd almost forgotten what that even felt like. I knew something was happening."

"That feeling led me to the edge of a near cliff," the queen said, engaging with hand motions as she spoke. "And when I looked down, I saw a tiny creature in the snow. Not a penguin. Not a bear, nor a fox. It was a kitten."

Cake straightened up. "Yeah, I remember that night. The night I was runnin' from the wolves, got lost and ended up in a blizzard. Thought I was a goner."

"You almost were," the queen continued. "You must have been surviving on sheer willpower at that point, because there isn't much that can withstand a blizzard that strong. I don't know what compelled me, whether it was compassion or curiosity, but I hustled down to your body and carried you back to my house. This house."

On cue, Cake cast her gaze around the room, re-familiarizing herself with the ice-block furniture, the statues in the hall and the occasional distant scuttling of penguin feet. She wasn't sure, but she may have just felt a buried feeling of memory or attachment peeking out from deep inside the recesses of her mind. She shook it off and looked back at the queen again. "Go on."

"I don't know what it was about you," she continued, trailing a hand off to one side, "but something about you being so tiny and helpless and miraculously ALIVE snapped my brain back into focus. You survived the blizzard, Cake. That was a storm of impending death, and you LIVED. I know better now, but in that moment, you and I were pretty similar. We were the survivors of the storm."

"Anyway, I helped bring you back to full health. I kept you safe and sheltered from the cold winds. You used to sleep in a tiny basket in the corner over there, I don't know what happened with it, though. I remember you very fond of the cupcakes I used to bake back then, so that's what I started calling you. Cupcake."

Cake's ears flattened at the word. The queen held up a hand of acknowledgement. "I know, I know, not anymore."

She straightened up again. "There was something else about you too. You were much smarter than any of my penguins. You were curious and clever. You would sneak into my cupboards and snitch away the sweet things before I noticed. You were smart."

"And then one day…" she said with a toothy grin, "...you talked."

Cake blinked. "I wasn't talkin' before?"

"You mewed and yowled and purred, but you never made a noise I could understand before that day."

Cake blinked a second time. "...huh. So I learned to talk from watchin' you, is what you're sayin'."

"Mostly, yes," she said, drifting back into foggy memories. "We talked about things. We talked about all kinds of things. We talked into the late hours of the morning...and now that I remember that, I think those might be some of my favorite memories, Cake..."

"Blech, you're gettin' way too mushy on me," Cake said, making a face at her.

"Let me finish," the queen grumbled. "Now that I had someone to talk to, I didn't need to keep doing those horrible, dangerous things to myself. I had a good reason to stay alive. I had a person who I cared about, and who cared about me. You were the reason I brightened the ice kingdom back up again. You were the reason I could finally act like a normal and proper queen again, and not just a pestilent, thrill-seeking jerk."

She looked Cake in the eye again. "...until the day your parents came back."

Silent intensity began burning slowly between them again. The pleasant, nostalgic aura of the scene ebbed back into a dark, brooding one.

"I did what I did on that day, I made that choice. And I paid for it, too...you left me afterward."

Cake still did not speak. Her nose wrinkled and she brushed it with her paw, squinting at her former mother.

"You ran away and left me here," Ice Queen continued, still drifting in a haze. "I chased after you, but you were such a tiny speed demon. I couldn't catch you. That would be the last I'd see of you for oh-so-many years...until you showed up alongside Fionna during our first encounter together…".

The pause lingered after that, unspoken years worth of dialogue hovering around the room haphazardly. But the scene wasn't complete. Something still felt disconnected. Eventually, Cake managed to brush it all aside and land back in the present, to piece the rest of the puzzle together. She snapped herself together and spoke:

"So, I guess that makes me the reason you fell back into your usual nasty ways, eh? And I guess I'm just supposed to sit here and tear up now, then run over to your open arms in slow-motion and apologize for misbehavin' and runnin' off all those long, lonely years ago, and pledge forever to be your loyal daughter again? Is that what comes next in your sick little play?"

The queen sighed and hung her head as she too landed back in reality. "...I can't say that's what I expected."

"Well good," Cake replied, pulling herself up and brushing off her knees. "Cause I'm not gonna do it."

She quietly stacked the plates and silverware and dutifully carried the dishes back into the kitchen. The queen brought herself back up to a proper posture and stretched her arms. When Cake returned, she once again stood over the queen, staring down at her complacently with one hand on her hip.

"Y'know, I guess maybe I'm a little sorry for desertin' you when you had nobody left," she said, cocking her head slightly. "But I'm not sorry I never came back."

Ice Queen slowly turned her head away, lost in wishful thinking. Cake grabbed her chin and forced her to again look her in the eye.

"You took my family away from me," she enunciated in distinct, precise tones. "Oh sure, you saved my life and helped raise me. You took care of me when I was down. But I already had a life and a family before all that...and you murdered 'em all. The mama Ice Queen I knew back then was dead to me after that. And no amount of love and nurture's ever gonna fix what you did."

She brought her face in close and personal, whiskers brushing against the queen's cheek. "You don't get a free pass for bein' nice."

Holding her gaze for another few seconds, Cake finally stepped back and sat back down on the couch, turning her head away and muttering again, "I don't regret not coming back."

Ice Queen stared at her for another minute. It could have been several minutes, or even an entire day. But at last, she sighed and lowered herself back down to the floor, arms apart and face pointed up at the ceiling. The reflected daylight bouncing around in the crystalline ceiling hurt to look at. She closed her eyes again.

"I guess we'll always be enemies then, won't we, Cake?"

She heard only a spitting sound in response.

"If there's nothing I can do to patch things up between us, then maybe this whole entire conversation has been nothing more than a waste of breath for the both of us."

"I told you," Cake returned coldly. "You were dead to me. Maybe you're still dead to me."

"What does that mean?" the queen asked. "You going to kill me while I'm weak, finally extract the vengeance you've desired for so long?"

"I ain't gonna kill you. That won't do nothin' 'cept make Fionna mad."

Her eyes opened again. "Fionna?"

Cake sighed and slouched back further, putting her feet on the table. "...she likes you, Ice Queen. I don't know what in the name of Grod almighty she sees in you, but she likes you."

A hint of a smile returned to the queen's face. Not her usual, manipulative smile of pure, driven evil, but a humble, honest smile. A heartfelt ray of sunshine through her ice-crystal-prism of a heart sort of smile.

"And that's somethin' I'm just gonna have to learn to deal with," Cake continued, resigning the last shard of her anger and intensity. "I'm gonna drop my feelin's about you altogether, 'cause I love Fionna. And for her sake, I'm gonna have to learn to live with you."

The smile widened. "I guess that's really all I can ask for, isn't it?"

"Don't you get happy with me," Cake countered. "You're still dead."

There was another pause that lingered in the crisp atmosphere between them. The faint smell of waffles still clung to the air in each breath, and the pitter-patter of penguins in the bathtub reminded them that time had not fallen prey to the frozen wall constructs of this icy domain.

"...I just gotta learn to tolerate havin' an ancient sarcophagus mummy around, that's all."


	20. Just Stop Being Evil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is nagging at Fionna, insisting that she stall some more, make up more excuses to continue her sleepover at Ice Queen's palace...without even thinking, she blurts out some kind of baloney about crystal swords and the next thing you know, there's a banquet laid out on the table? What's going on here...where's Cake...why is everything suddenly hilarious, HA HA HA?

Clock. Clock. Clock.

The echo of heavy winter boots against the solid ice floor became louder and louder, banging out a precise rhythm not at all unlike the rhythm of the very thing they sounded like. And after so many passing seconds, the clocking stopped and was replaced by an exhausted but triumphant "I'm back, you guys!"

Cake's head rose up and over the back of a tall chair and oozed down until her face aligned with the owner of the voice's. "'bout time, Fifi. What took ya so long?"

"Meh," Fionna said with a shrug. "It's been a little while since my last real dungeon crawl, I guess. I was fat and out of practice."

"Did you at least get it?" the queen asked from the ice couch, legs crossed and an open book lying page-down on the table in front of her.

Fionna held up her own book. "Pretty sure this is the right one. I think it's got bite marks on the cover, though."

With some noticeable wincing, the queen stood up and walked over to her. "Not a particularly big problem, I suppose. Polar bears can be so uncouth about these things."

She brought herself up close to take the book and looked Fionna squarely in the eye, speaking low. "...did you have to do the deed?"

Her brow furrowed and she crossed her arms in response. "I was gonna ask you about that...you made it sound like he was gonna be some kinda ultra demon oracle monster, but he was literally a pop-top pushover! Why did you act like I absolutely HAD to kill him?"

"So you DID do it, then…?" the queen asked, a bit suspiciously.

Fionna grabbed the ears of her hat and pulled them below her chin. "Bluh, don't say it like that...you told me he swiped your big important book, so I was gonna steal it back, right? And I was all ready to tussle for it if I had to, cause I know how bears can get so tussle-happy, but then he's just this little wussy white guy here and he just...I didn't actually, really, technically…he shoulda just...he did it all himself, you know what I mean?"

She jammed her hands into the pockets of her second-skin coat and stared awkwardly at the floor. "I didn't do nothin' I haven't done before…".

An oddly thoughtful look crossed the queen's face as she flipped the book open and skimmed through its pages. Fionna drummed her fingers on her arm, glancing around room and pretending she wasn't still feeling uneasy about the whole thing. She felt sweaty and uncomfortable, though that may have been due to the way the second skin threw off her senses.

Something still felt wrong, anyway. She'd completed her quest, but something inside her head told her it wasn't over yet. That anticlimactic boss battle couldn't have been the end of it.

"Soooo," she said, wondering also if it wasn't just the bear incident she was feeling apprehensive about, "...did you guys find some things to talk about while I was gone?"

"Mhm," the queen nodded.

"Nope," Cake replied flatly.

"Oh good," Fionna said, a bit louder than she meant to. "I deffo sure wasn't hoping for a crystal clear answer on that or anything. Thanks for gettin' me all back up to speed on you two's misadventures. Oh, and thanks for the hero's welcome, too! Really great to see you guys again after my crazy ice cave labyrinth ordeal! You're welcome for the book, queenie-pants! I worked really hard to get it back just for you!"

"Exactly," said Cake, sidling up beside her and grabbing her hand. "So okay then, that's enough of that, right? Come on Fionna, let's get the heck outta this frozen hole. For good...".

"Wait...hang on, Cake," Fionna replied, tugging back. Gears in her brain were still turning. "We haven't been officially dismissed."

"Who the bunk cares? I want out of here. My tail's all snowbound and stiff, and this floor is hard murder on my little toesies. Let's get back out into the real world."

"Not yet!" Fionna resisted, twisting her hand free. "Ice Queen, uh, are we good here? I got the right book, there's nothin' wrong with it? Is my mission completed?"

The queen closed the book and nodded. "I was just checking for missing pages or scribbles in the page margins. Vandalism is even worse a crime than theft, never you forget it."

"Good advice," Cake said with an eye roll. "Alright, no more manners. We're leavin'. NOW."

Fionna again had to wrestle her hand free from Cake's grip, this time putting her foot into it. "Let GO, Cake! We still can't leave yet!"

"The plop we can't!" Cake shouted back. "We're LEAVING, Fionna! It's time to say goodbye! Play time is OVER!"

"LET! GO!" Fionna yelled, yanking her arm free and tumbling back onto the floor. The queen knelt down to help her up.

"Alright girl, what's the matter with you?" Cake demanded. "I thought you said as soon as we help old Bluebeard, we get the heck back home. Why you makin' me wait?"

Fionna pushed the queen's hand away and picked herself up. Her brain was shouting at her now, she couldn't leave yet. Something was still missing. She tried to think up an excuse to stall.

"Because…" she started, brushing off her magic-fabricated snow pants. "...b-because I'm still wearing the Fionna suit!"

"Oh, right," the queen said, stroking her chin. "Yes, I'll definitely be wanting that back."

"Oh no you don't," Cake interjected, stepping in between them. "Fi, you give her that thing back and she'll just use it to slip us up again, gettin' all freaky disguise-y when we ain't lookin'! Fool me once, queenie, fool me once!"

"Well I definitely don't wanna keep it on, Cake…" Fionna said, rolling her eyes. Gotta stall...can't leave yet...

"Well tough bismarcks baby, 'cause you're gonna need something to wear on our trip back home," Cake said, adding a certain pointed weight to the last word. "Which is where we're goin', pronto. You can't climb down an ice mountain in your skivvies, or did you forget that's all you had on under all that?"

"Then let her wear my robe," the queen said, pulling the string around her waist. "I was getting a little warm, anyway."

"Hup hup hup! You keep that thing ON!" Cake insisted, pinching the robe shut.

"Cake, what's the matter with YOU?" Fionna asked, crossing her arms and looking for an excuse to accuse someone else of acting weirder than she was. "Why are you acting so donk all of a sudden?"

She received a sharp glare in response, complete with pouty lower lip and sharp tooth sticking out. But the glare eventually softened and Cake released the robe, slinking back over to the chair and slumping down angrily. Fionna shook her head and turned again to the queen.

"Yeah, I'll take that robe," she said with a nod. Can't leave yet...keep thinking...

"Shall I do a little dance for you while I take it off?" the queen replied mockingly, her familiar, snarky grin finally reappearing.

"Whatever tickles your pickles," Fionna responded with a dismissive hand wave. "And don't get any ideas about peepin' my bits while I change."

So tell me, oh mighty brain of mine, she said to herself as she turned away from the queen and reached behind, fumbling for the seam in the suit. If this is the end of my mission, and my hero's oath has been totally fulfilled, why CAN'T I go home? What's stopping me? After all I've been through, I should be so lucky to finally get back to the easy-breezy life, right?

Cold air whisked inside as she opened the seam, a shiver running up her spine and down her legs. She hastily stepped out of the suit, tossing it behind and groping around for the queen's traded robe at her feet.

But then again, if I go home, what's to stop that crystal-witch behind me from following me back and mucking up my head some more? I never did make an actual plan to deal with her. I've spent all this time taking care of her, doing favors and all that, but I still don't even know how I'm gonna "take care" of her. I still don't have a plan of action...I just need more time to think of one! I gotta hang around a little longer...

She cleared her throat as she tied up the robe at the waist and turned around to face the queen again. She forced her eyes not to wander over all the visible blue skin, focusing on eye contact.

"NOW can we go, miss ambassador?" Cake asked impatiently, sitting up.

Fionna opened her mouth, then stopped. Her eyes flashed as the lightbulb in her brain flickered on. "...no! No, we still can't leave yet!"

"What, why not?!"

"Because I never got a replacement sword!"

Cake's eyes narrowed and her fingers slowly converged into thick, spiky fists. "...a sword? Are you for flippin' serious right now? A SWORD? Fionna, you probably got thirteen swords back at the treehouse! What the beeswax makes you think you need another one?!"

"Ice Queen said I'd find myself a replacement sword in the labyrinth," Fionna said, matter-of-factly. "And I never found one. I got ripped off!"

"And," she said, putting a finger over Cake's open mouth, "I want a GOOD sword to replace the crystal one I lost to Flame Prince! Not one of those low-level vending machine swords we get from monsters all the time. I want one of those super rad legendary treasure kinda swords!"

"You'll get one later!" Cake growled, smacking Fionna's arm away. "Fi, I wanna go home. My butt's gettin' numb from all this sittin' around. Don't you wanna go home too?"

"Nope, I want a sword first!"

"FIONNA!"

"Don't yell at me, Cake! I want a gob-flippin' sword!"

"Oh, I'll GIVE you a sword!" Cake threatened, her arm morphing into the appropriate shape.

"You'll GIVE me a break!" Fionna shouted back, dropping into her defense stance.

"Hey!" The queen stepped in, pulling the two of them apart. "No bloodshed in my living room! Fionna, on the couch! Cake, get in the chair!"

"Shut up and don't touch me again," Cake hissed, slinking back into the chair with the ugliest sneer she could muster.

The queen tossed her hair back, pinched the bridge of her nose and took a breath. "Now then. Let's try solving this with a little Ice Queendom Diplomacy. Fionna, you said you want to stay here so you can get yourself a new sword. But as you can see, I don't have any swords here."

"Bull poopies!" Fionna retorted. "You gave me a crystal sword before! You gotta have other ones lying around here somewheres!"

"As you can see though," she gestured to the room, "I don't stockpile. Swords clutter up the place if you don't have the right kind of space to store them. That crystal sword was a one-of-a-kind handmade gift."

"Handmade? Really?"

"Yes." The queen turned to Cake. "And now Cake, you said you want to go back to the--"

"You can make swords?" Fionna interrupted, mind buzzing. "Like, not just ice blades?"

The queen sighed. "Yes. Yes I can. Ice or otherwise, crystals are crystals, and when you know crystals like I do, everything just clicks into place. It's not exactly magic science. Now, again, Cake said she wants--"

"Then why don't you just make me another one?"

"Fionna," Ice Queen huffed. "It is completely impolite to interrupt me when I'm playing mediator, don't you think?"

"Who made you my defense attorney, anyway?" Cake grumbled. "And since when are you any kind of meditator? You seem more like the executioner type, if you ask me...".

"Mediator," the queen corrected. "I'm a queen, I play diplomat here in the kingdom on a daily basis!"

"Yeah, to buncha stinky penguins," Cake muttered.

"Ice Queen?" Fionna said patiently, raising her hand.

"Yes, Fionna?" came the testy reply.

"If you won't make me a sword, then will you teach me how to make one myself?"

Ice Queen stared back at her silently for a moment. Fionna kept eye contact, daring her to make a move while simultaneously wondering how her long eyebrows arched the way they did.

At last, the queen responded with a simple "Why?"

"Because!" Fionna said with an exasperated sigh. "I just gotta have a sword! If I'm gonna be the proper hero I know I am, I need one! It's a necessary part of my ensemble! It's like I'm not even a hero without one!"

"Fi…" Cake started.

"I'mma just be flat honest here," Fionna continued, standing up and pacing around. "Swords are super important to me. I don't just like 'em 'cause they're neat, or because they help me bash the bottoms of bumbling baddies...they're legit a part of who I am! I've always had a sword. And I kinda feel nakers without one."

She locked eyes with Ice Queen again. "Queenie, that crystal sword you gave me - well, I guess that you MADE for me - it was just ACE. That was the coolest, smoothest sword I've ever had the pleasure of swinging. It was everything I've ever loved about swords, all in one...and now it's gone, and I feel like dookie without it."

She sat back down on her hands, looking at the floor. Whether it had been an excuse to stick around or a heartfelt confession of character, she really did feel incomplete at the moment. And she really couldn't think of any better excuses to hang around the queen's cave any longer.

"It's really that important to you, baby?" Cake finally asked. "Important enough that you gotta postpone my reunion with the soft grass between my toes and marshmallow pillows under my tired head? Fionna, I didn't wanna hang around here any longer than we needed to, and guess what? We don't NEED to be here another two seconds!"

"Then go on home without me!" Fionna blurted out. "Er, I mean...you don't HAVE to stick around, ya know. This really is really important to me, really, and I'm just...I'm gonna stay here."

Cake inhaled slow and deep, then sighed, slower and deeper. "If you PROMISE me you'll be done after you make your sword, I'll stay. I won't make you walk home alone."

"Cake, you don't have to…"

"BUT, only if you're sure we can go the heck home once you're done!"

"Totally," Fionna glossed, relieved to have found a way to prolong her stay without any trouble. "We won't take hardly any time at all...uh, will we, queenie?"

"Not too long, I suppose," the queen said, rubbing her nose. "Making a sword is honestly an entire art form in itself, one that can take years to get any good at, but anyone can just straight-up make one if they have even a little patience."

"Good, perfect," Fionna said, grabbing the queen's wrist and giving her a rather not-patient push from behind. "Let's go do it then, right now. The quicker the better, for the sake of our Cake."

"Yeah, you go on and make your stupid sword," Cake said, waving them off. "I'm just gonna sit here on the couch and count every hair on my foot 'til you get back."

"You don't wanna come watch?"

"No thank you," she replied, a bit coldly. "I don't wanna be around HER any more than I have to. Bein' alone just sounds hecka better right now. Don't worry, just come scoop me up when you care...to get outta here, I mean."

Fionna's expression fell for a moment. She hadn't accounted for Cake feeling left out. She didn't want to wrestle with it, though. Maybe it didn't quite sit well with her, but she still felt justified in sticking around anyway. She took a deep breath and straightened back up.

"We'll be back, then." She again turned to the queen. "Come on Eyebrows, let's do this thingy. Where we goin'?"

Pulling her arm free, Eyebrows straightened her hair and cleared her throat. "I have a special chamber down below for this sort of thing."

"Great then, giddyap!" Fionna said, smacking the queen's rump. There was a very faint snickering sound from the couch that neither of them noticed.

The queen frowned in response, but it soon melted into her usual mischievous grin. She took the lead into the kitchen, adding a bit of completely unnecessary extra swivel to her hips. Fionna followed closely behind, eyes closely following the queen's behind. On the far side of the kitchen, past the ice stove and blocky refrigerator was a door cut into the wall she somehow hadn't noticed before. Beyond it, the floor gave way to carved steps leading down into a darker corridor.

"Man, why you got so many secret passages in here, queenie?" Fionna asked, keeping one hand to the wall for balance. "You must've really been into mazes when you built this place."

"I'd hardly call this a secret," the queen said, also putting a hand to the wall. "I just very rarely come down to my basement like this."

"Basement? Is that all it is?"

"More or less," she replied. "Watch yourself, the steps are slippery down here."

Squish. Squish.

"Eww, what the heck is this stuff? Penguin poop?"

Ice Queen sighed. "No, I just told you, the steps are slippery. It's slush."

"Slush? I thought your whole palace was made of hard icy stuff that doesn't get slippery. Like glass ice or something."

"Well, in case you didn't notice, things are a little warmer down here."

Fionna stopped and smelled the air. She was right, even though the air was still cool, it felt much thicker down here. There was a certain moisture and weight to it now.

"So what IS down here in your basement, exactly?"

"I installed a furnace down here quite some time ago," the queen explained, wiping sweat from her forehead and slowing her descent a bit. The bruises on her body were already beginning to sting as the air continued to warm up.

"Like a REAL furnace? A fire furnace?"

"Yes…" she coughed.

Fionna stepped forward past her. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," she answered automatically, pushing past. "It's just really hot down here, that's all. Hot like your bod."

Fionna chose to ignore that remark. "You sure you're okay? You're getting all sweaty. Lemme help you or something."

"Don't bother, we're already here," the queen said, brushing Fionna away.

At the bottom of the steps, the room opened up into a small domed chamber, lit dimly by a slow, pulsing blue light from the walls. An old furnace made of cracked and degrading stone took up about half of the floor space, heat pouring out of it in thick, ugly waves. It smelled harshly of coal and probably sulfur, which Fionna so eloquently described as "egg farts". Along the opposite side of the room was a mold block and a makeshift stone anvil, and a number of shelves clung to the wall, each filled with colorful fragments of assorted crystals and blocky ingots of various minerals and ores.

"Oh, so this is like a blacksmith's shop, isn't it?" Fionna asked, running her hands over the shelves.

"That is generally how swords are made, yes," the queen said, panting a bit. "Let's get this over with, it's disgustingly hot down here. First you'll need to select a good crystal from the shelf."

"This one," Fionna said, picking up a long purple spike without any hesitation.

"Not just the first one you get your grubby fingers on," the queen said sharply, snatching it out of her hand. "You've got to choose more carefully. Pick the one that feels the most right in your hands. This is absolutely integral for crafting the perfect--"

"Okay, this one then," Fionna said, picking up a heavy block of turquoise.

"Fionna, I feel like you're not taking this seriously..."

"I am taking it seriously, queenie," Fionna lied. "I just...never have to think too hard about these things. I know what feels right the minute I get my mitts on it. This is totally the one. For realsies."

The queen glared back, trying to gauge whether or not she believed her. "...fine, then. Go grab the bucket and the fork next to the furnace, and I'll explain what we're going to do."

Fionna obediently fetched the tools and laid everything out on the floor before the queen.

"First, you're going to superheat the crystals," the queen instructed. "So place them gently in the bucket, open the furnace door, and use the fork to stick the bucket right in the furnace's nasty mouth."

Fionna did just that, the thick hot air of the oven blasting out and choking the room. The queen hid her face behind a bush of her hair. Even Fionna was sweating by this point, the heavy robe certainly not helping matters.

"So we just burn the crystals?" she asked, drawing her hand back quickly after closing the hot stone door of the furnace. "How does that make a sword?"

"Come now Fionna, you can't be this stupid," the queen said, slinking back against the stairs and fanning herself with one hand. "You're going to superheat them until they melt into an ugly, goopy liquid form."

"Oh, so we're melting it just like ice?"

"A very apt analogy, yes. Now go over to the bellows pump on the side."

"This?" she asked, grabbing the iron handle jutting out of the side of the furnace.

"Yes, that," the queen said, lounging further back to keep as far away from the heat as she could. "Pump that up and down. And be careful, it's heavy."

Gripping the handle tightly, Fionna pushed up without much strain at all. She raised an eyebrow and brought it smoothly back down, all the way down past her knees. She looked back over at the queen questioningly. "...am I...doing it right?"

The queen nodded, tilting her head to the side. "Don't break your arms or anything, you just need to pump it a few times."

Fionna shrugged and pushed up again. The lever moved quite easily for such an old device. Pulling down seemed to be a bit harder than going up, but it still didn't take as much effort as the queen made it sound like. She was definitely working up a smelly sweat now, but she attributed that mostly to the thick heat hovering in the air.

"Clearly you have no idea what you're talkin' about," Fionna said, squatting and jerking the lever upward. "This isn't heavy at all!"

The queen snorted, putting one leg up. "Not all of us are quite as strong as you are, I suppose…".

"Aww, whatsa matter, freeziepop? Someone got a little muscle envy goin' on?"

"Hardly," the queen said, closing her eyes and uncomfortably wiping moisture from beneath the strap of her bra. "But as you may very well remember, I don't exactly fare well when faced against things of a more hot and fiery nature, such as furnaces and princes made of fire."

"Ha ha, wimpy baby can't stand gettin' sweaty," Fionna teased, bouncing up and down with the bellows.

"Unsightly sweating aside," the queen said, collapsing against the stairs and splaying her limbs out, "Too much heat is quite dangerous for ice witches. I nearly passed out from heat exhaustion while making your old sword, I'll have you know…".

Fionna slowed down, then came full stop for a moment. "You did?"

"There's a reason I don't come down here very often to make weapons…" she continued in a low voice, eyes closed. "Why kill myself making a crystal sword when an ice blade will do just fine?"

Fionna's eyes retreated into a blank stare for a few moments as she imagined the queen working herself to near-death. Putting herself in the thick of danger to make a perfect crystal sword, all for Fionna's own sake.

Or maybe she just did it for the thrill, like she keeps saying, Fionna thought glumly.

"Of course, I couldn't just give YOU an ice blade though, could I?" the queen continued, lounging even further back, still fanning away. "You'd have seen right through my Gumball disguise if I'd done that. If I wanted my little ruse to work, I knew I'd have to go all-out for you. It sure is a thrill, daring to make something for your favorite enemy, almost killing yourself in the process, just to see that look of pure excitement in her eyes, and to know that you've won…".

The furnace make a loud crackling sound that popped Fionna back into the moment. "Oh hush up, you! And close your legs up or something, geez, nobody wants to see that…".

With an effort and a loud groan, the queen pulled herself back up into a sitting position, elbows on her wide-apart knees. "That's probably enough bellowsing, let's check and see what our beautiful crystals look like now."

Fionna wiped the sweat from her brow on the big fluffy muff of the queen's robe. The heat was bound to cook her alive like a burrito if the sword took much longer to craft.

No! she shouted mentally. No food metaphors or your belly beast's gonna wake up crazy starving!

She quickly opened the furnace door and stabbed at the stone bucket with the fork, catching it under the handles and pulling it back out slowly. It felt a lot heavier now, and thick steam billowed out from the top, making her cough and sputter.

"Set it on the molding table," the queen said, pointing with one hand and shielding her face with the other. She was not only holding back the steam, but hiding the grimace of pain on her face. She knew she shouldn't agitate her scars like this, but some inexplicable feeling was compelling her to stick around and teach Fionna to make herself a sword.

Why am I helping her at all? she wondered. What is there to be gained out of this? Fionna's trust? I'll never fully have that, there's no way I'll ever truly gain Fionna's trust. So what's keeping me from walking away and leaving all of this alone? And maybe more importantly, why is Fionna so insistent on sticking around?

"It definitely looks like goop soup," Fionna announced, peering into the bubbling bucket. "It's a weird, slimy blue sludge-shake."

"Good, that's precisely what we want. Now, very carefully, pour that into the mold so that it takes the shape of a sword."

Fionna did as instructed and watched the liquid crystal settle into place.

"Now, as soon as it settles, take the hammer and start banging out any lumps you see. Make the blade as smooth as you can get it."

She took up the hammer and began pounding on it.

"Not so hard, and slow down a bit," the queen advised, making a move to stand up and help, then collapsing again due to the heat. "You can't rush this part."

"Ugh, it's so hot in here though," Fionna said, again wiping her brow on the sleeve of the robe. "Can't we do this somewhere that isn't a freakin' oven?"

"No, if you cool the sword before it's ready, you might ruin the shape and you won't be able to fix it!"

Fionna continued pounding, getting more and more noticeably agitated. "So what if it's a little lumpy! Is it really worth being totally unable to breathe down here?"

"Welcome to my world, bunny girl!" the queen snapped back. "And yes, the shape is critical, if you want the sword to function properly!"

"Guh, if I keep this up, then I'M gonna pass out from heat exhaustion…".

The burning didn't let up. The engulfing heat was starting to feel a little too familiar. Her skin began to tighten up with phantom memories of searing fire pain.

"YRRAAAHH!" she yelled as she yanked the robe off and cast it to floor, grateful skin immediately feeling relieved. Even if the air was still hot and clammy, as long as it moved and breathed across the bare patches of her skin, she felt much more at ease. Her breathing slowly settled to normal.

"...well that was a little dramatic," the queen said, rolling her eyes.

"Shut up," she said over her shoulder. "And don't make it weird."

She only received a shrug in response. "We're on equal ground here, anyway...".

Wow, she actually DIDN'T make it weird, Fionna thought, letting her arm and hammer go into autopilot mode. That was unexpected. I really hope she's not just playing me again right now...man, how would I even know if she was? She really seems exhausted. I wonder if she's still sleepy, or if she's just hiding and biding her time to be a subtle plotty-pants again? Heh, pants...she's not even wearing any...

She found herself glancing back out of the corner of her eye, running slowly up the queen's legs, over her belly, straight up the middle of her chest and right over her neck up into her overcast, snowy eyes. The queen was watching back idly, still attempting to fan herself. She caught Fionna's eye and managed a grin.

"See something you like?" she asked, splaying a little wider.

"I should ask you the same thing," Fionna grumbled, turning away and banging on the sword once more.

"Well, if you are asking, I am a bit impressed with your mighty gun show," she said. "And I like how you've really been working those lumps."

"Huh?" she asked, pausing to look up and down the blade. "Which lumps?"

The queen rolled her wrist and pointed to Fionna's chest with a flourish.

"Har har," she said with a toss of her head. "Are we done here, or do I need to pummel you with this hammer?"

"Fine, fine, you want to rush job this and end up with an imperfect sword, be my guest."

FIonna frowned. "Why didn't you tell me making a sword was all this hammer-hard work?"

"You wanted to learn this, Fionna," the queen said flatly. "You said swords were so critically important to you. So unless you were lying before and you've secretly got other ideas about why we're really down here, you'd better be ready to put in exactly this much hard work."

Other ideas? FIonna thought. Yeah, I've got some other ideas...I'm still trying to figure you out. I'm giving you a swig of your own cough syrup. I wanna be the one to play YOU this time. I wanna get inside your brain guts and fix you for good. Beat you at your own stupid game, that's what's up! I just need more time...

CLANG!

"Oh for Gertrude's sake, what did you do now?"

Fionna dropped the hammer and held up the sword. She'd missed with a swing and left a big gaping dent in the side of the blade. "Aww, what the cheese?"

"You broke it, you little monkey!" the queen scolded, pushing herself to her feet with some noticeable effort.

"Cram, I didn't mean to…" Fionna said, reaching out to feel the indentation, then pulling her fingers away when she realized how hot and sharp the blade would be. "Uh, how do we fix it?"

"Not much we CAN do about it," the queen answered, with a no small hint of scorn. "We have to super-cool it right now, or it'll start to bend and become even more useless."

"Oh...well okay, how do I do that?"

The queen snatched the blade from her hands. "I'LL do it. I'm better equipped for this sort of thing, anyway."

Fionna huffed and watched her inhale deeply, her chest puffing out as the hot air filled her lungs. But what flowed out when she blew the air back out was a welcome, chilling breeze that swept cleanly across the blade's surface. The cold breeze rushed around Fionna as well, tickling her sweaty thighs and tingling against her flushed cheeks. The queen turned the sword over and repeated the process for the other side, becoming noticeably exhausted as she blew. She teetered back on forth on her feet, breath growing softer.

"Whoa there, careful," Fionna said, reaching out to steady her.

"I'm fine," the queen lied, handing her the sword and nearly collapsing against the wall. She wheezed and dragged herself back up a few stairs, toward the more tolerable air. "Well, there you have it, Fionna...your very own sword, forged by your own clumsy, meaty hands. What do you think?"

Fionna gripped the hilt with both hands and hefted it up. It was definitely heavier than her previous sword, and seemed to catch the low-light of the room in funny ways that distracted her eyes. She shook her head and took a fighting stance. She swung the sword in several small arcs above her head, struggling at first to manage the extra weight.

"It's...alright, I guess," she surmised, shouldering it. "Definitely fatter than the old one. It feels kinda clunky, like maybe it took a nosedive into a spike pit. It's rough and tumbleweed...but it's not exactly awful, I guess."

"That's because it's your first," the queen said dismissively. "You're bound to be at least slightly dissatisfied with your first go. But the real question is...are you happy with it?"

Fionna ran a finger down the blade's now-cooled edge. It was still rough and bumpy, not even hardly the slick marvel that her old sword was. The queen was right, she should have spent more time making it. She frowned.

"...not really, no. I mean, I could totally use this for a sword, that's not even a thing in question. But I'm not HAPPY with it. It looks like something a blind orc woulda made. Not that I don't know cool blind orcs or anything, but it's definitely not a replacement for the other one."

"Well what did you expect, honestly?" the queen asked with a certain exasperation in her voice. "I told you, anyone can MAKE a sword, but it takes years of practice to make one you can be proud of."

"Ugh, whatever then," Fionna said, sticking out her tongue. "I want a do-over."

"No."

"What? Why no?"

"Well, for one thing," the queen explained, shoulder against the wall, "You used up all of your soulmate variety of turquoise crystals, so you're out of raw material to work with. For another, you aren't going to learn anything until you toy around with THAT sword and understand how what you did affects the finished product. Understand?"

"Not really," Fionna replied lazily, rolling her wrist and watching the sword go round. "So what then, we're basically just out of crystals? You don't have any extras just laying around anywhere?"

"You're not listening, chubbers!" the queen shouted.

"Don't get name-cally with me!" Fionna growled back, marching over toward the stairs. "I heard what you said! But if you're out of your precious little crystals, then why don't I just go hunting for some more? I can take this piece of junk with me, practice using it while I look for them! Two birdies with one stone!"

Ice Queen gave her a skeptical squint. Something had subtly changed about Fionna since she'd come back from the labyrinth. She wasn't just being contrary and aggressive like before. What perplexed the queen now was trying to deduce exactly what her endgame might be. What was she playing at? What did she really want? Where was the demanding, angry Fionna from before? Was she playing the same game, only using a different game piece?

"Are you telling me you want to go on another quest?" she finally asked. "So soon?"

"Yeah, what's the big deal?" Fionna said, flicking loose fragments off the blade of her sword. "I LIVE for quests, ya butt! Did you already forget that or something?"

The queen looked away for a moment in further thought, blowing a rogue lock of hair from her forehead.

"Just point me to 'em, queenie," Fionna said, leaning on the sword. "I'll handle the rest."

She shook her head and landed back into coherency. "Fine, then. It's not like you won't just keep pestering me until I surrender anyway."

Fionna suppressed a smile of victory.

"But at least give me one more night to recover," the queen added, pulling herself a bit shakily to her feet. "I may be a verified risk-taker, but even I'm not invincible. And I'd rather not spend the whole trip limping."

"Hey now, nobody says you even have to come with me," Fionna said, instinctively reaching out again to steady her.

"Yes I do."

"No you don't."

"Yes, I actually do," the queen asserted, pulling away and hoisting herself up the slippery bottom steps. "If you want to successfully locate and extract more crystals, you'll absolutely REQUIRE my assistance."

"Okay, fiiiiiiine," she whined, trailing behind. "You're lucky I want this glob-dang sword so bad…".

"Yes, I'm so very lucky that I get to set out gallivanting across the mountains in search of rare crystals while my body remains covered toe to head in bruises."

"Well, when ya put it like THAT…".

"Is there any other way I should be putting it?"

"Yeah," Fionna said, passing the queen and walking up the stairs backwards. "You could put it like 'helping Fionna get herself a rad new sword in repayment for all the gracious stuff she's been doin' for me'!"

"All the gracious stuff you've done, eh?" The queen was getting stronger with each step as the air continued to chill more and more. "Last time I checked, you were doing all these cool things to help UNDO the damage you'd done before."

"Well...well yeah, okay," Fionna conceded, shoulders drooping a bit. "But still, it's not like you aren't grateful for my help, right? And I mean, it wouldn't kill you to up and do something nice for someone else, would it? You DO know how to be nice, don'tcha?"

Ice Queen rolled her eyes.

Fionna stopped a few steps in front of her and put her face up close and personal, a threatening frown confronting the queen's own tired visage. She halted and blinked.

"You're not coming along just so you can unload any of your funky business on me while we're out tomorrow, are ya?" she asked, in an appropriately cold voice. "You're not gonna like, take me out to an avalanche zone and bury me in sharp stickly cicles, right?"

The queen's eyebrows furrowed. "What has gotten into you, Fionna? You're acting very unusual, even for a bunny-hatted little weirdo, and that's making it quite difficult for me to predict your next move the way I usually do."

"Well then stop tryin' to predict me," Fionna replied, inching her face even closer. "Do like I do and just roll with it! Don't worry about figuring every little honking thing out! Now tell me, and tell me for REAL. You're not gonna suddenly go gonzo on me, right?"

She was close enough that she could feel the queen's cold breath brushing over her face, tickling against her upper lip. Her blood began pumping faster. Her whole body was already tensing up, anticipating a familiar, icy tingling sensation.

"I don't have the energy to do anything like that," the queen said patiently. Her eyes were starting to haze over and become unreadable, Fionna couldn't tell for sure anymore if she was thinking what she was. But she had a hunch.

"...promise me, then."

The queen blinked.

"Fine, I promise. If my promise even means anything to you, at this point…".

She licked her lips.

"...it will, if you seal it."

There was a pause. From somewhere deep within that haze, Fionna swore she saw the tiniest spark flash for an instant. Without any further warning, Ice Queen leaned forward and delivered a small peck on Fionna's lips.

"There. Happy?"

Fighting back a blush, Fionna loomed for a moment, then backed down. "Good…".

Not good enough though, she thought. I wanted more…

Brain still buzzing, for other reasons now than before, she reached the top of the stairs and shivered. It was much colder up here than she remembered, and she hadn't even noticed until this point that she'd forgotten the queen's robe on the floor of the furnace room. She crossed her arms and sulked. No way she was going back down there to pick it up now.

"You patoots finally done?" Cake asked in a decidedly languid tone. "Can we go home now?"

Fionna swallowed and stepped through the kitchen threshold into the living room. She'd all but forgotten until now that she'd have to face this moment. "Umm...well, not exactly."

Cake's head poked up from behind the arm of the couch, a scowl of disbelief plastered on her face.

"I...uh, kinda blotched this sword up, and I wanted a do-over, but we're out of crystals, sooo….".

After a moment's glare, Cake grumbled and sunk back down on the couch. "Why am I not surprised, Fi? Why am I not surprised?"

Fionna grabbed one arm and shifted her weight. "...kitty cat's intuition?"

Cake rolled over on her side and groaned. "When you gonna be done here, baby? I wanna go home...I'm tired of this place, I'm tired of HER, and I'm tired of all these delays!"

"C'mon Cake, don't be like that…" she said, somewhat hurt.

"What am I even doin' here anyway?" Cake asked, idly running her finger over the edge of the table. "I'm bored outta my skull."

"Yeah, sorry...I know I haven't been paying much attention to you, Cake, but--"

"Paying attention?" Her brow creased. "I'm not your dang pet, Fionna, I'm your sister! And I feel like you don't care about me and my needs over here!"

"I know, I know…" Fionna sighed. "I just...I gotta have this, Cake. Let me have this. This whole sword fiasco is important to me."

"And goin' home is important to ME," Cake whined. "I can't wait around for you forever, baby. You keep this up and you're gonna end up walkin' home alone in nothin' but your undies, and I ain't gonna be takin' the blame for it!"

"Well...then tough toenails for me, I guess!"

Cake didn't answer right away. She stared for a moment, desperately racking her brain to discern or divine what else could possibly be compelling Fionna to stick around the queen's castle. She had, of couse, known for a long time what it really was, but she hadn't been able to come to terms with it. Now it seemed she didn't have much of a choice. She sighed heavily and looked down at the floor.

"...alright then, Fi," she finally said, calmly. "I guess this is how it's happenin' then. I'm goin' home...with or without you."

"Cake, you really don't--"

"I've made up my mind, baby," she said, putting a finger to Fionna's lips. "I'm not bein' any use to you by stayin' here, and I sure as heck ain't gettin' anything for myself out of it neither. Honestly, goin' home's gotta be the best thing for me right now."

She trained her gaze on the queen, who was still leaning against the wall, trying to stay distant from the situation. "Can't say I like the thought of you two bein' alone together. You know for stone-cold sure I don't trust this crone one teensy bit…".

She looked back up at her sister. "...but I DO trust you, Fi. You're a big girl now, I trust you know what's best for yourself. And I guess I can maybe rest a little easier knowin' that if she gives you any lip, you can always knock her teeth right out and drop-kick her 'tween the legs like a football...heh."

She sidled up and wrapped her arms around Fionna's neck. Fionna responded in kind by scooping her up into a hug.

"Spend some time gettin' to know your new girlfriend, baby," she whispered into Fionna's ear. "I'mma go home and spend some long-overdue quality time with MY snugglebutt."

Bristling a bit at the mention of 'girlfriend', Fionna managed to crack a smile and kissed her on the head. "Thanks, Cake. Really."

"Awright, awright, too mushy," Cake said, squirming loose. "But just you remember. Should you need me, for anything at all, you just scream at the tip-top of your windbags, okay? You KNOW I'll hear it, and you KNOW I'll come runnin' to help, fists akimbo! That's a promise."

Fionna nodded and flashed a thumbs-up. With one final sigh of relief and a curt nod to the queen, Cake turned and walked out of the cavern into the midday Ice Mountain sun, her milky hair blending into the bright white glare until she disappeared from sight.

A certain somber serenity cloaked the room for a few moments, filling Fionna with a brief sense of peace she'd been missing for the past few days. She felt as though she'd finally earned Cake's hard-won approval.

...which meant that now she had the queen all to herself. She turned to face her.

"Okay then, so what comes next, O Mistress Mine?"

The queen peeled herself away from the wall and brushed the hair off her shoulders. "I was thinking of spending the day cleaning up, honestly. I still feel like I'm kind of a mess."

"Well, you ARE kind of a mess," Fionna confirmed, taking the opportunity to look her body up and down again. "But what do you mean 'the rest of the day'? Does it seriously take you a whole day to take a shower?"

"We can't all be as quick and dirty as you are, Fionna," the queen retorted, tracing the gash along her chest with one finger. "Some of us like to take these things slowly and deeply, cleansing all the little places along the way."

Fionna crossed her arms and frowned. "Well...okay then, fine. But what am I supposed to do until you get done?"

"I don't know," the queen said dismissively, walking toward the hallway. "Play with Gertrude or something."

"How the heck do you play with a penguin? Do I just start a game of fetch, maybe with a fish or something? Is that a thing penguins even do?"

"Of course not," she scoffed, her voice echoing from the bathroom. "You don't HAVE to play with her, I was just making a suggestion."

"Well it's a stupid suggestion."

There was a loud sigh, and the queen poked her head out from the door. "Fine, then. What do YOU want to do, your majesty?"

"Shup and don't call me that," Fionna grumbled. "I dunno, I'm just bored."

"So what?"

"So play with me or something!" she whined.

"Play with you, you say?" the queen purred in response. She held out a hand, her bra dangling from her fingers by one strap.

"...th-that's not what I meant," she sputtered, turning away. "Just...what the heck am I supposed to do for the rest of the afternoon?"

"For Gertrude's sake, Fionna, I don't know! What do you USUALLY do when you're bored?"

Right on cue, a familiar growl filled the room, bouncing off the walls down the hall.

"...what was that?" the queen asked, again peering out from the doorway.

"...um...my stomach…" Fionna replied, clutching it with one hand and blushing.

"Your STOMACH did that?" she asked, unbelievably.

"There's an unquenchable demon in my guts that demands food-istic sacrifice, okay?!" Fionna shouted, more defensively than she meant to. "I gets the munchies real bad when I'm bored!"

The queen frowned and looked at the floor for a moment. A small aftershock grumble filled the silence, much to Fionna's chagrin.

"...you wanna eat something, then?" she eventually prompted.

Fionna shifted her weight and held the sword behind her, pressing it gently against the back of her legs. "...yeah, not gonna lie, that labyrinth made me pretty hungies."

The queen pinched the bridge of her nose, mouthed something to herself, then tossed her hair back. "Then I guess I'd better start cooking, if I want any mothering peace around here."

"Well I mean you don't HAVE to--".

She stopped short and watched the queen step out of the bathroom still topless, striding with her usual pomp and pride right into the kitchen. She flashed a sparkling diamond smile as she walked past.

"You coulda warned me or something…" Fionna mumbled, turning and covering her eyes. "So, uh...should I give you a hand?"

"No," the queen said flatly.

"Really? Why not?"

"Because you're a walking kitchen disaster."

"I am not!"

"Yes, you are."

"...okay, yeah, probably."

She took a seat on the coffee table, straightening her spine as the cold tingle of the ice spread across her bottom.

So this is it, huh? she mused. I'm in my worst enemy's house, learning how to make swords, we're going on an adventure together, and she's cooking me a meal, and we're just chilling here in the almost-buff. This is exactly how I DIDN'T picture this plan working out. Nothing made sense back when this all started, back at square one...now that I'm here and I know more about her little game, I feel like I got all kinds of powered up with mega-knowledge and stuff!

...but it still doesn't actually make a whole lot of sense! It's the same as it was back then, just in a couple of different ways now...I still don't have a plan. I still don't know what I should be doing...so maybe I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm good at. I'm just gonna keep rolling with this!

Once again, her stomach protested loudly, interrupting her thoughts and demanding immediate attention.

"I heard you the first time, Fionna," the queen said testily.

"I can't help it, Ice Queen!" she moaned. "I'm starving!"

"Food doesn't just cook itself, Fionna," she grumbled back. "Give me some time. Take a nap or something."

"A nap?" she repeated. Hmm…not the worst idea I've ever heard, I guess...

She leaned back and stretched herself out over the remainder of the coffee table, letting her limbs fall to the sides helplessly. The shock of the ice against her skin came and went quickly, and after a moment she hardly even noticed it anymore. The vague blue lights of the ice ceiling overhead pulsed gently, eventually falling back to match her own heartbeat. She watched her own eyelids close, slowly, peacefully.

"Hey," a voice said.

She snapped them back open. Blizzard-white eyes greeted her.

"What now?" Fionna said, in a voice hazier than she expected.

"It's time for dinner," the queen said, standing up. She'd changed into a more regal, midnight blue robe that caught the dim light of the cavern in ways that seemed to accentuate her wide curves.

"...already?" Fionna asked, sitting up with some effort. She glanced down to see that she'd been covered with a similar-looking robe. "That was fast…".

The queen shook her head. "You've been asleep for over two hours."

"Say what?"

"You're a terrible snorer, and your stomach never shuts up."

"Oh," she replied sheepishly. "Sorry."

The queen waved it away and gestured to the dining table. As Fionna trained her eyes on it, they grew double in size and the ears on her hat perked straight up. She stood up automatically and lurched toward the circular table, mouth slightly agape.

Hot platters of ham and omelettes and buttered biscuits steamed gently, their scent mingling with the juicy undertone of assorted fruit. A stack of pancakes drenched in syrup sat next to a tall cup decorated richly in an ornate, carved pattern. And a flickering candelabra lit by flitting blue flames in the center seemed to hold the entire spectacle together.

"Ice Queen…" she said, faintly. "...it's beautiful."

The queen half-smiled and pulled up two chairs, side by side. "Thank you, Fionna. Now please, PLEASE, do something about that stomach."

Fionna grinned and brought herself closer to the table. She ritualistically took a knife in one hand and a fork in the other, then proceeded to attack the pancakes. For the first few minutes, neither said a word, and the only sound in the entire cave seemed to be the clinking of Fionna's silverware and her occasional loud gulp. The queen had barely taken two bites and already Fionna was halfway through the entire stack of pancakes on her plate.

"...how do you do that, Fionna?" she asked, watching in morbid fascination.

Fionna swallowed a mouthful. "I'm am avemchurrer, queemie. I gotch lotch of emergy to replashe." 

The queen snorted. "Must take a lot of energy keeping up with me, hm?"

Fionna nodded, taking a long, loud quaff from her cup. She brought it down heavily and belched. "Wow, what the heck is this stuff?"

"You like it?" the queen asked, taking another small bite. "It's an old drink, one of my favorites."

"It's really gassy," she replied, another burp following.

"I can get you the recipe if you like," the queen continued. "Not that you're much good with recipes, I know."

"Bwahaha, you're tellin' me!" Fionna chuckled. "There was this one time I tried to make a cake, but I realized we didn't have eggs, and the only thing in the house I could find was these weird dragon egg things. Long and weird story short, I basically almost got the kitchen burned down, but that SO wasn't my fault!"

"Fionna, that doesn't even make sense, dragon eggs don't just spontaneously combust--"

"I SHAID IT WASHN' MY FAULP!" she half-shouted, mouth full of pancake. She took a deep swallow and held up her cup. "Can I get more burp juice?"

The queen stifled a laugh and filled her cup from a large jug. "Want me to tell you a secret?"

Fionna nodded intently, taking a much smaller sip this time.

"This so-called burp juice…" she said, bringing her face closer. "...is actually root beer. You know, the stuff Cake probably doesn't let you drink."

"Pfft, Cake-schmake, I can drink anything I want to," Fionna boasted, loading her plate with ham. "I'm a big girl!"

The queen nodded and raised her own cup. Before she could even prompt a toast though, Fionna clinked her cup and took another deep drink. The queen frowned, then shrugged and joined her.

Fionna could feel her worries from earlier disappearing back into the far void of her mind. She found it much easier to forget about the stresses of the situation and simply succumb to the taste of the delicious meal at hand. Sure, it had always been that way, but now it rang true moreso than ever. She settled into a warm, pleasant peace.

"Mmm, I really gotta hand it to ya, queenie," Fionna said, gesturing to her plate. "You really cook amazing dinners...just gotta say that out loud."

"Mmh, well thank you Fionna," the queen said, with a genuine, though secretive, smile. "I really did put a lot of work into this meal."

"And I also gotta say," Fionna continued, loosening the drawstring on her robe to give her belly some breathing room, "...this is really not what I expected at all."

"Mm?"

"Like, I honestly feel real good right now," she said, in between bites of omelette. "I ain't been this relaxed in weeks. I'm sittin' here with my mortal enemy, stuffin' my gobs with delicious food, and we're goin' on a field trip together in the mornin'…just, wow."

She loaded another omelette and paused just long enough to say, "I never woulda thought this is how it would turn out."

The blue firelight flickered a moment, revealing a strange look of contentedness in the queen's face. It didn't bear the familiar, cold-steel monarch expression it usually did. There was something more soft and honest about it now. Something Fionna decided was quite pretty.

"If I'm going to be honest, Fionna," the queen said, playing with her fork, "I'm surprised you've stuck with me for so long. I can't even remember the last time I've entertained a guest for dinner whom I didn't kidnap."

"Well," Fionna said, with a dramaticized hand motion. "I was kind of under oath to stick with you."

"Oh, don't give me that oath schtick again," the queen said, rolling her eyes. "Nobody's making you stay with me. You've always been as free to leave as Cake did earlier."

"Don't you oath schmoath me, you old butt! I takes my oaths for serious! I made a promise to myself that I'd always be the hero of super justice!"

The queen took another sip of root beer and continued. "So what does that mean, you just always help people, no matter what? That's your whole oath? What about you, yourself? Don't you help yourself sometimes?"

Fionna reached over and stabbed her fork into the queen's pancakes. "Sometimes I help myself to all your food, hahaha!"

She pushed Fionna's hand away. "I mean, what do you do when you need a hero? Do you just do all your heroing yourself? Or what if someone wants you to give up your own dreams just to be the hero who saves theirs? What's your oath say about that?"

"What's yer point?"

"Your dream is to serve everyone one else, and let people walk all over you? That's not healthy at all, Fionna!"

"Nobody's walkin' on me, queenie," Fionna assured her, holding out her cup again to be refilled. "I'm a hero, and everybody loves me! You're actin' like that's a bad thing or something…my dream has always been to be the hero who does all the cool things other people can't do!"

"Like what?"

"Like I don't know what!" Fionna half-shouted. "Like explorin' the desert to find an oasis for thirsty people! Like liberating captive princes from their clingy moms! Like punching evil kidnapper witches in the boob!"

She took the cup and began chugging it down in a righteous fury.

"But you say that like you have no desires or wants of your own, Fionna," the queen continued, looking down at her plate blankly. "It's like your only wish is to help others achieve their own dreams, no matter how hard it is. No matter how beaten up you get in the process."

Glug. Glug. Glug.

"...how can anyone be that selfless?"

"AHHHH!" Fionna said, the cup falling out of her hand and rolling across the table.

"...maybe I've just forgotten what it means to care so much about others," she mused out loud.

"Well, 'least you never forgot how to care 'bout yerself," Fionna said, slouching forward a bit.

"Heh, that's immortality for you," the queen sighed. "The only person you ever truly grow attached to is your own self…wow, I don't think I've said something THAT pretentious in years!"

Fionna nodded weakly, not responding.

"Amazing that YOU, of all people, just got me to open up like that," she added, with a smirk. "I'm impressed!"

Fionna leaned forward, her face souring up a bit. The queen looked over at her and cocked her head to one side. "Fionna? Are you alr--"

With a violent jerk, she hiccuped and unleashed another massive belch, throwing her chair backwards to the floor. She lay there for a moment, looking straight up at the deep blue ceiling, then slowly cracked into a hearty belly laugh.

The queen stared at her for a moment, unsure of whether to help or not, then snorted and dissolved into laughter as well.

"You want some help up, Fionna?" she said, between chuckles.

"Naaaaaaah, I'm good," Fionna said, playfully rolling off the chair and kicking it to one side. "I think I'm just gonna lie down here on the floor for the rest of the night."

"You sure? What about the rest of this food?"

"Leave some fer the penguins," Fionna mumbled into the floor.

Ice Queen watched her for a moment, absent-mindedly chewing on a pear. Then she simply shrugged and crawled onto the floor beside Fionna.

She picked her head up and looked over at the queen. Her white eyes were relaxed again, like a silent powder snow, and her face looked even more soft and inviting than ever.

"Why can't it always just be like this, Icy?" she asked, pushing the tuft of hair from her face. "Why're we always playing thrills and chills and stupid mind games?"

The queen sighed. "It wasn't always like this, you know...I used to throw dinner parties more often, I really did. But it's not much fun when nobody shows up, though...".

"Yeahhhh, that sounds bunk," Fionna agreed, using her arm as a pillow. "Bein' alone prob'ly sucks worse than a lollipop. How much fun can you even have just playin' with yourself?"

"Ignoring that," the queen said, fiddling with the drawstring of her robe. "I guess I got into mind games because...well, I wanted something more substantial in life. Something more exciting than dinner parties with squishy tuxedo birds."

"Whaddya mean more exciting? What's more fun than a table fulla food?"

"Well, for one, penguins are horrible house guests," the queen explained with a flick of her wrist. "All they do is hop up on the table and eat the dessert tray and making disgusting bodily noises."

Fionna burped in response, pulling open her robe to rub her ballooning belly.

"At least YOU make it somewhat funny," the queen added, half-smiling. "The other downside is when you kidnap someone and they won't even eat your food. How rude is that! Nope, mind games were definitely the next logical step to making my dinner parties suck less. That, or death-defying adventures. Or maybe both, am I right?"

"Hey, while we're talking about that," Fionna interjected, "Why'd you even have to start creep-romancin' on me at all? You coulda just asked me out on a dangerous adventure with you! Ya gotta know by now how much I freakin' LOVE adventures...and you don't even got no idea how stoked I am for tomorrow…".

"Well, honestly, I stopped going on adventures, Fionna," she sighed, putting a hand to her forehead. "What's the point of the thrill if I couldn't share it with anyone?"

"Well there's yer answer, dum-dum!" Fionna said, bopping the queen on the wrist. "You shoulda asked ME! You didn't have to go futzin' around with my headspace, or tryin' to nab my attentions by swipin' a prince! What the heyo were you even thinkin'?"

"How was I to know that would work, Fionna?" the queen groaned. "Nobody, and I mean NOBODY ever comes to visit me! People don't even LIKE me. They don't like how cold my domain is. They don't like my frosty ice palace. My entire world, my entire body of work, everything that's ever been important to me...nobody ever cares about that!"

Fionna reflected on that for a moment, looking up into the low-glowing ceiling. "Well, I think that's dumb. People should learn to care more about you and think your stuff is cool. 'Cause it is."

"Good luck convincing the entire world of that, Fionna."

"...okay, yeah, so maybe people have the wrong idea about you, and y'know, maybe you even deserve that for all the messed-up stuff you done to 'em." She turned again toward the queen, her face having reverting back to its usual brittle cold bitterness. "You did bad things, queenie. Ya done goofed hard. Nobody trusts you. Nobody wants to even go near you. Everybody fears you and your scary winter wrath…".

The queen turned her face away, discreetly rubbing her eye.

"...so why don't you just change?"

She didn't say anything for a moment, she just lay there, idly grinding her teeth. Fionna pulled her arms free of her sleeves and rolled onto her side. She heard the queen take a deep breath. "...what do you mean, change?"

Fionna propped her head up. "Just...you know, change. Stop being evil."

"What good would that do if everyone already hates me?"

"Ice Queen, for glop's sake…you're not even tryin' here. If you just, like, stopped bein' evil altogether, you could SHOW people how cool you are. You could make them see that with their eyeballs."

"I'm not cool, Fionna," Ice Queen mumbled. "You've said so a hundred times, right to my face…".

"Yeah, well…" she replied, waving her hand back and forth. "...I kinda know you a little better now. I know more about you. I've spent time in your head. You're not just an evil crazy penguin lady with ice bolt powers."

The queen finally turned over and looked back at her expectantly.

Fionna took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly. "You're really smart. You know a lot of magic and stuff I don't even understand. You even write your own books. You know how to make cool castles and swords and even tiny little trinkets out of ice, with nothin' but your bare hands...you know how to cook really amazing food, and you know how to be a very hot-spittle-bull--hospital hostess…".

Her stammering trailed off into silence as she looked back upon the queen's face. The soft, inviting look was slowly emerging again, and Fionna felt her own lips spreading thinner into a smile. The queen slowly followed suit.

"You make it sound like it's so simple," she said softly. "But surely even you know things are never just black and white like that…".

The smile devolved into a contrived pout.

"Well why not?" Fionna asked, curling her bottom lip.

"What do you mean, why not?"

She sighed and wormed her way over toward the queen, stopping face to face with her. She once again looked closely into the queen's eyes, her heart beating so loudly she was sure it would pop out of her chest. She was so close that the queen could all but feel it pulsing against her own skin.

"...why do we even have to be enemies, anyway?"

The queen stared helplessly into Fionna's eyes, many years of hardened, icy defenses crumbling away silently around her. Her breathing quickened, she felt her hands open and close by themselves. Her lips parted in preparation to release a sly response.

The words never came out.

Fionna kissed her soft and tender, the intense, cold feeling spreading through her cheeks and veins, all the way down to the ends of each nerve in her body. And before she could pull away, she felt a cold hand on her shoulder, bringing her in closer. Fionna let the queen's arms envelop her, and put her own hand to the queen's breast as the kiss lingered on. She felt herself floating, surrendered entirely to the feeling.

The blue light of the candles on the table burned softly throughout the night as the two pounding heartbeats merged their rhythms into one. After that, Fionna wasn't sure where the kiss ended and where the dream began.


	21. Cryology and Ice Theory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Out on a hunt for more special crystals with which to make a new sword, Ice Queen won't shut up about how amazing ice is. She just might be an even bigger nerd about it that Prince Gumball himself! Also, she mentions something about how wearing the tiara might help Fionna understand how crystals work...hmm...

Everything was still dark, but not exactly nighttime dark. It felt more like the darkness of a blanket draped over her face. She grumbled and tried to shake off that oncoming feeling of lucidity, of being aware that the darkness before her was merely that of her own inner eyelids. She hugged the body pillow tighter. There seemed to be a sharp, freezing smell invading her nostrils, not unlike peppermint or maybe extremely cold ice cream. She want to shut it out and sleep a little longer...

Eventually though, natural curiosity took its course. She stuck her tongue out slowly, probing for any potential cold and sugary sweets. What she found was definitely cold, definitely soft, and just a little bit wet. It was everything ice cream should be, but it had no particular taste. She only stopped sliding her tongue around after suddenly running over something hard. A chocolate chip, maybe?

She begrudgingly opened her eyes to confirm, then opened them much wider. She quickly withdrew her tongue and pulled her face from the queen's chest, immediately ready to pretend it never happened at all.

Fionna rolled over on her back, untangling her arms and legs from the person-shaped pillow she'd been clutching throughout the night and glanced around the room hazily. She was lying nude on the queen's living room floor, and had apparently slept using the queen's robe as a blanket. Early morning light was beginning to edge its way in through the drawing room entrance, casting errant glimmers off the ears of the polar bear statues. Beside her, the queen remained asleep, breathing lightly. She too had cast away her garments in the middle of the night, and a cumulative pile of clothes had formed off beside the couch.

For having slept in the freezing cold of an ice cave next to a frozen queen in the absolute naught, she took note that she really wasn't feeling all that chilly. She yawned and scratched under her arm, wondering if she should bother putting any clothes back on. A full bladder demanded her immediate attention, and she decided foregoing clothes would probably be more convenient.

With some considerable groaning effort, Fionna hauled herself up to her knees, then pitched forward and started crawling her way down the hall. When at last she reached the bathroom, she picked herself up to her feet using the sink for balance. Then, with a certain stylistic stumbling movement, managed to spin 180 degrees and crash-land on her bottom with a THUD on the sparkling ice seat of the toilet, amazingly facing the correct direction.

Wow, she thought, putting a hand to her chin. Why does my head feel like Cake's back in summer? What in the holiest of hecks happened last night, anyway? Let's see...I remember food. Lots of glorious food...I remember falling on the ground and gettin' a smooch or two. What did we talk about?

She frowned. Last night sure sounded wonderful. The morning after just felt fuzzy, like a bad connection on a radio station. And something still seemed entirely off-putting and wrong about it all. Ice Queen, the known criminal, the long-standing enemy of justice, and Fionna, the flawless champion and defender of said justice, having dinner together, making out and falling asleep in each other's arms.

That's forked up, Fionna old girl, she told herself, twiddling her toes. You're not carrying the good banner of justice anymore. You're dating your own mortal enemy! How the butt do you explain yourself for that one?

She sighed and hung her head. I used to think it was because she was just straight-dope evil, but yesterday she was...well, honestly, she was softer and nicer and squishier than I ever thought she could be. Why, though? Is this all part of some new psycho warfare campaign? Is she just being nice so I'll let my guard down? Nah, couldn't be that...my guard couldn't have been MORE down last night. If she was gonna icicle my throat or poison lipstick me or carry me like a baby and then toss me off a cliff, she'd have already done it by now...so what's the fuzz?

Maybe she's being nice because I'M being nice, she weighed on one hand as a rubbery bird face peered up at her over the edge of the bathtub. I really have cut back on biting her in the butt the past couple of days, and look what it's gotten me. Sword-making lessons, free home-cooked meals, mind-blowing makeouts...it's almost like she just needed someone to be nice to her in the first place.

She shook her head, feeling her signature tuft of hair bounce against her forehead. But on the other hand, she doesn't really deserve me being nice to her, does she? She doesn't DESERVE anything! She's been a horrible old slag-hag all her life, kidnapping unwitting princes, jackin' up my stuff and my head, gettin' all kissy-kissy on me outta nowhere...what's she done to merit all my kindness, anyway?

A loud sigh filled the room. But when I really think about it...if she's nice when I'm nice...then why not just be nice? I can keep an eye on her, keep her happy, and that's gonna mean no more kidnapping, no more PG havin' night terrors, no more sneaky ice bolts...AND it means I get all the sexy smooches and free food I could ever want! What's so wrong about that, just because she doesn't deserve it? Who the heck cares, as long as I'm still technically saving the day and stuff, right? Right?

"Yeah, that IS right!" she exclaimed triumphantly, pumping a fist into the air as she hopped off the seat. "Thanks, Thinking Toilet!"

She quickly shot a glance over at the penguin in the bathtub. "And YOU! You didn't see nothin'," she warned, waving her hand and mock-casting a spell. Gertrude fell backwards into the tub, grunting and flailing awkwardly.

She strutted back down the hall toward the dining room, even if calling it strutting was a stretch. Wondering if she should wake the queen yet, Fionna took a seat on the cold floor beside her. She idly ran one hand through the fluffy, snow-soft hair, the hair that never seemed to tangle up like normal hair did. She continued along, down the queen's back, her fingertips tingling with that familiar, cold sensation as she made the stroke up and over the hump of the queen's bottom and right down her thigh before falling out of reach.

Why is she so soft? Fionna wondered, making a second pass. Where's all her wrinkles and pinches? Why did I spend so long thinking she was this husky old sack of skin-bags? She's freakin' powder snow smooth! These are the softest legs I've ever felt...no wonder I was all wrapped up around her, she's a perfect pillow.

The queen smacked her lips and continued snoozing.

I wonder what even happened last night? she continued. I mean, sure, this isn't the first time I've woken up in the starks in someone else's house before, but it IS the first time I've woken up in the starks and accidentally gotten a tongue full of nip-nop...hmm…

She closed her eyes and tried to conjure up the events of the previous night after the first kiss. All at once, her lips recalled the taste of the queen's, the feeling exploding like a star throughout the rest of her body. Each and every part could once again feel that icy touch, reliving memories they had made, but that her brain couldn't seem to access. Everything was puzzle pieces with no reference picture. She sat paralyzed for a moment with her hand gently cupped around the queen's thigh.

A week ago I woulda punched somebody for even suggesting it, she thought, eyes slowly coming back into focus. But wowzers, I think I'm developing a for-real addiction to kissing! Maybe this romantic gunk ain't such a bad thing after all...

She automatically licked her lips expectantly. Another quickie couldn't hurt…

Stretching out and lying on her side, she sidled up beside the queen, pushed the hair away from her face, and pulled in for a tender kiss. She watched the queen's eyes flicker open slowly and light up, like a machine powering on.

The queen blinked in confusion, then cracked a sly smile. She snaked her cold tongue into Fionna's mouth and probed around. Taken off guard, Fionna pulled back and took a deep breath.

"Whoa there girl," she said, putting a hand to her chest. "Warn me next time!"

"And a good morning to you too," the queen answered with a yawn. "Seems we got pretty comfy last night…".

"Yeah, I guess," Fionna said, scratching the back of her head. "Wait, you mean you don't remember it either?"

Ice Queen shrugged and rolled onto her back, arms at her sides. "I remember you falling on the floor. It all got a little runny after that."

"Aww, nuts...I kinda wanted to know what happened."

"I can make a pretty decent guess," the queen almost said, then decided to leave it to Fionna's innocent imagination. "Maybe you were…generating too much body heat and got too warm or something. You ARE a chubby little heat machine, after all."

Fionna frowned and opened her mouth to protest, then stopped and looked down. "...okay, fair point."

"Not that it's a big deal or anything," the queen continued with a hand wave. "Baby flab is cute."

"Okay, enough, shush," Fionna said, crossing her arms and trying to hide her blushing cheeks. "No more cutesy-talk. We've got an adventure to get movin' on!"

Ice Queen groaned and turned away on her other side. "I'd rather sleep for another week."

"Hey, you promised!"

"I un-promise."

"Nope, come on now, get up!" Fionna said, tapping the queen's bottom with her foot.

"Nnnnnhh…".

"No butt-sass!" she said, slapping it this time.

"Alright, alright, fine…is it any wonder I never wanted children?"

Hopping to her feet, Fionna scrambled around the other side to help the queen up. She had to grab the wall to maintain balance. Both of them may have been awake in the brain, but their bodies insisted they were still asleep. The queen shook her head and wondered why she had ever thought root beer was a great idea.

"Okay," Fionna announced when she was sure the queen could support herself, "First thing's first, we gotta do something about our public indecency."

"...I'm shocked, Fionna," the queen said, digging the crust from her eyes. "I expected your first proclamation to be something about breakfast."

"Hush," she replied, patting her belly. "I put plenty of gas in the tank last night."

The queen made a face, wrinkling her nose.

"Oh, cram it!" Fionna shouted, punching her arm.

"Fine, just get on with your announcement."

Fionna cleared her throat. "Okay. The announcement is that I need a new outfit! Ever since the Flame Princident - yeah, I'm calling it that forever now - I ain't got no clothes of my own!"

"First you want a sword, then you want a meal, now you want an outfit," the queen mumbled. "Who's paying for all this, hmm?"

"Use a credit card or somethin'. You're a monarch, so act like one!"

"Why do you need an outfit, anyway?" the queen said, gesturing to Fionna's body. "You seem to be doing just fine in this chill without one."

Fionna again glanced down at her barren body, frowning. "Yeah, I dunno what's up with that. The hairs on my arm aren't even standing up. What the heck."

The queen cocked her head, accidentally staring. "Maybe you're just better at adapting to climate change than I had thought."

"Dern right," Fionna smirked, puffing out her chest. "But enough admiring my awesome defense power, let's talk the straight poop on this sitch."

"We're going out on an adventure," she continued, applying bold hand motions to each sentence. "We got a few key factors that will present a problem should I remain nakers. One, we're surrounded by super deep snow and wind, and while I seem to be doing okay inside these ice walls, I'm pretty sure stepping outside in that mess is gonna do more than just give me nipsicles. Two, if we run into monsters or mages or malicious menaces, the traditional Birthday Suit gives me, like, complete zero protection. And three, say we don't run into any monsters but instead find peaceful village folk who are maybe honest-to-glob offended by all this bare skin. I once met this butterfly elf whose village was being ravaged by a chainsawnoceros and while I was beating the stuffing out of him, my clothes got all ripped up, and when that poor elf saw my butt hangin' out, he just kinda fainted, so I--"

"ALRIGHT, good, I get it, Fionna."

"Right, sorry. Anyway, I'm gonna need some clothes, and you are too."

"That could be a problem," the queen said, brushing the hair from her shoulders. "I highly doubt I have any clothes for you to wear."

"Wuh? You serious?"

"We talked about this before," the queen said, rubbing her forehead. "Remember? I made you wear the Fionna suit for a reason."

"Eugh," she cringed. "Don't make me wear that thing again, it squeegees me out. What else ya got?"

The queen sighed. "Nothing, I just told you! You can either wear a robe that'll keep popping open, or try your luck at fighting in a poofy bustle dress. Does that sound like something Fionna can do?"

"Course not," Fionna said, grabbing the queen by the hand and tugging her down the hall. "Come on, you gotta have some other outfits in that big old wardrobe of yours. What about your exercise clothes from when I was in the Candy Kingdom hospital?"

"Fionna, be honest with yourself, do you really think clothes in my size are going to fit you?"

Fionna took yet another opportunity to trace the queen's curves with her eye, comparing them to her own. "...nah, I guess not. Your hips are like five times wider than mine, and these hips ain't small. Also you got a pretty tiny luggage rack, and I don't."

"Not to mention your gut," the queen added.

"Yeah, yeah," Fionna brushed her off, rummaging through drawers. "Why is everything in here so fancy-pants? Seems awful dainty for the thrill-seekin' adventurer you told me you were…".

"I'm still a queen," came the taut reply. "And I happen to like frilly, dainty things. Lace patterns remind me of ice crystals and snowflakes."

"You and your ice obsession," she said, holding up a pair of dark blue bloomers. "Why'd you pick ice, anyway? How come you're not the queen of like, lightning, or thorny flowers, or cheeseburgers?"

Ice Queen stood up to face her and pointed to the tiara.

"Eh, guess that makes sense…but it's not JUST ice powers, right? I've seen you do other magic, you got lots of spell books around here. Why did you go with ice in particular?"

"It's...complicated," the queen said, juggling with her hands a bit. "This tiara is pretty special. It's not just a piece of enchanted headwear, it's more like...a spiritual connection to the journey of light as it passes through the liquid crystal structure of cold water."

Fionna dropped a small blouse on the floor and stared blankly at the queen for a moment. "...you just said a bunch of words I know, but they all got lost and died on their way to my brain."

Ice Queen shrugged. "I did say it was complicated."

"Okay, whatever then."

The queen watched in silence for a moment as Fionna held up several garments to her body, sigh dramatically each time, then toss them aside. No one had really asked her about the tiara before. No one ever asked, though everyone was rightfully afraid of it. Some obscure thread of thought in the back of her mind twanged quietly.

"Augh, this is hopeless, queenie!" Fionna moaned, casting aside a pair of pants. "You're all lower body, I'm all upper! There's literally nothing I can even come close to wearing in here!"

The queen shrugged and pulled a familiar blue bustle from deep inside the closet. "I'm not afraid to say I told ya so."

"See, look at that dress," Fionna continued, holding her fingers up like a filmmaker. "It's all backwards. Maybe if you turned that upside-down, it would…".

Her eyes lit up as she trailed off. She snatched the dress from the queen's fingertips and stormed back down the hall into the living room.

"Get back here, Fionna!" The queen put a hand to her forehead. Shouting still hurt her ears.

Moments later, Fionna did return. She was clutching the dress in one hand, and in the other hand, her new sword. She was still dressed in nothing but a scowl of determination, and all the queen could do was tilt her head and stare back, eyebrows raised expectantly.

Without breaking eye contact, Fionna held her arms apart, keeping both the dress and the sword at arms' length. The queen glanced back and forth between them, putting two and two together. She opened her mouth to protest just in time for Fionna to swing the sword, cleaving the dress in two from the waist down.

"What was that for, you little twerp?!"

Leaning the sword against the wall, Fionna flipped the half-dress upside down and stepped into it, pulling the sleeves up her legs. The fit was very tight around the waist, but dangled loosely around the ankles, like bell-bottomed pants. Fionna put her hands on her hips and pouted, modeling her new pants for the queen.

She received a harsh glare in response, which she noticed, coming from the stark-naked queen, didn't seem to hold as much malice as it used to. The queen must have also realized this, because the scowl faded gradually into a muffled snort, and reached full evolution as a giggle.

"Fionna, you look simply IDIOTIC," the queen cackled.

"Well at least I don't look simply NAKED," she countered, sticking her tongue out.

"I beg to differ," the queen said, grinning wryly and pointing to the open collar of the garment, currently occupying the space between Fionna's thighs.

Fionna glanced down, growled, then scooped up the remaining bodice of the dress and tossed it into the air. With a few precision lunges and slices, she sheared the fabric from the old bustle frame and gathered up the pieces.

"No need for showy theatrics, Fionna," the queen grumbled, arms crossed. "Just tell me what else you plan to do here, other than carving up my favorite dresses."

"Chill, ya butt," she replied, draping the long strips over various exposed areas.. "Why don'tcha make yourself useful and sew me up?"

"I've told you before, Fionna, I don't sew, except with light-beam magic."

"Then get some tape or something!"

"Tape?"

"Or a stapler would work, too."

The queen halted, mouth open and finger raised. She may not have been a psychic at any time in her life, but even she could predict there was no way that prolonging this argument could ever possibly result in victory for her. Not this time. Certainly not with this constantly throbbing in her temples. She exhaled and hung limp for a moment, then immediately straightened up again, resuming her typical, haughty disposition. "Yeah, I've got a stapler. Keep your new pants on."

What am I doing? she asked herself, fixing her hair as she walked down the hallway. When did Fionna become the one giving orders? More importantly, why am I, the QUEEN, playing along? Is it because I don't have the strength to deal with her antics right now? Shouldn't have had that root beer last night...

She tiptoed her way through the mess of penguins still lounging haphazardly in the living room, over to the writing desk, where she rummaged through the drawers.  
Last night… she pondered. What did Fionna say to me? Whatever initiated that intimacy...I can't remember the last time I felt anything that strong. It was a lightning strike to my heart. To touch me that deeply...perhaps that's why I'm keeping her around.

"And here is your precious stapler," she announced, stepping back into the room gracefully.

"Perfect, gimme," Fionna said, swiping it right out of her hand. "Okay, check this out!"

With a few loud clicks and at least one "OUCH, GLOBBIN FLIB FLOBBIT!", she stapled the various fragments of the garment together, forming a shoddy, harlequin-patch outfit with flared limbs. After spinning around once or twice to make sure there were no trapdoors in the clothing, she pulled her signature bunny hat into place and once again struck a pose, making imitation fireworks with her hands. Ice Queen took a moment to size her up, rolled her eyes and tossed her hands in the air.

"You're impossible, Fionna, I swear. You've absolutely decimated a perfectly good dress, but somehow turned it into a junky, baggy outfit that actually fits you. It's so absurd that I'm actually kind of impressed."

"I'm gonna take that as a compliment," Fionna said with a confident grin. "And besides, now I look even classier than you, Dame Barelegs!"

"That you do," she replied, digging through her closet again. "I suppose it's time I switched up my usual fashion anyway."

"Yeah no kidding," Fionna said, sniffing the fabric. "You've been wearing this same, boring poof dress since the first time I ever saw you!"

"Same to you and that drab old shirt of yours, bun-bun."

The queen settled on a much slimmer, midnight blue evening dress, stripped of all the pomp and formal frills she had formerly styled herself with. She hadn't worn it in decades, perhaps since a long-forgotten failed dinner date. She tossed her hair and presented herself to Fionna.

"Ya look fab," Fionna said with a thumbs-up. "Much better than the old poofy one, anyway. It's so weird though, seeing your actual body shape instead of having to imagine it under all that pompy fluff."

"Thanks for your unfailingly insightful commentary."

"No probs!"

"Alright then, let's get on with this," the queen said, pushing her tiara back into place. "Are you ready to go? Did you use the toilet yet?"

"My pee tank is empty, captain!"

"Then, off we--".

"Oh wait, one sec!" Fionna shouted, dashing off down the hall.

"Let's not drag this out longer than we need to, Fionna!"

She returned with a familiar-looking box under her arm. Ice Queen craned her neck to get a better view of it, recognizing the color and the picture on the front.

"Why do you have a box of penguin snacks?"

"We're gonna be out all day," Fionna explained. "And you expect me not to bring any snacks?"

Ice Queen shook her head. "I'm not even going to ask why you have a taste for penguin munchies."

"What, they're tasty!" she replied with her mouth full before realizing it. She sheepishly closed the box again and tucked it into her backpack.

"Moving on," the queen said, taking the lead out to the mouth of the cave. "First I'll need to figure out which way we'll be headed today."

"Whatsa matter, forget where the goods are?"

"A queen never forgets," she said, making a move to roll up her sleeve before realizing her new dress didn't have any. "But just so there are no misunderstandings or wrong left turns, I'm going to call upon the aid of my friend here."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, casting an arm out in front. Shutting out the bright morning world, she attuned herself to the tiny sounds of microscopic snow crystals dancing on the breeze, and listened intently. A whisper emerged in the back of her brain, jolting her arm a tic to the right.

"That way," she said nonchalantly, marching off into the deeper snow.

Fionna hesitated, watching the queen's hair bob gently ahead of her. A final squeal of resistance inside of her demanded she take one last moment to reconsider venturing off into the unknown with her new girlfrenemy, and second-guess whether or not this idea was morally sound. She did take a moment, then shook her head and threw that caution to the icy wind. It was adventure time now, and may seven vengeful spirits of justice condemn her to an afterlife of torture if she wasn't going to take the plunge now.

She boldly took a step off the ice landing and into the deep snow, immediately slipping and skidding down the slope, further and further past the queen until she landed shoulder-first against a boulder with a heavy thud.

"Ow…".

"Watch your step," the queen warned.

"Shaddup."

They walked on mostly in silence for the first few minutes, giving their heads a chance to clear. Ice Queen occasionally paused to confirm they were headed in the correct direction. Fionna had spent most of the time wondering what kinds of things ice might say to crazy old person wearing a magic tiara.

"Lots of things, actually," Ice Queen responded, shifting her weight as she delicately moved her hand again to pick up the divining signal.

"What?"

"Ice is a very complex thing, not a lot of people understand that," she continued. "Sure, they know it by definition, what it does and how to make it, but they don't seem to grasp the deeper concepts it represents."

"...was I talking out loud before?"

"Yes."

"Oh...er, sorry," Fionna said, looking at the ground and idly kicking up a mound of snow.

"Don't be," the queen said, opening her eyes and pointing. "As I'm sure you're completely aware by now, I'm used to people calling me crazy, and I do happen to find ice super cool."

"Har har," Fionna said, taking the lead. "And of course you do, you're the dang queen of it."

"It's more than just that, Fionna," she replied patiently. "After I found this tiara, I started learning so much about ice, winter, crystals, all that. I became much more interested in the scientific concepts of it all than, say, how to use ice magic to make snow cobras and giant swinging ice pendulums."

"Whoa, you can make those?" Fionna asked, walking backwards with her arms out for balance.

"And more," the queen said with a grin. "But as I said, those aren't as important to me as understanding how each ice crystal works in tandem with the others, and how to unlock the maximum potential energy of each individual particle as I fuse them together with...are you yawning?"

"Noooo," Fionna yawned, covering her mouth. "I'm just...doing breathing exercises...as part of my cold weather survival regiment."

"I don't understand you, Fionna," she sighed, clearly disappointed. "You sound like you might just be interested in how ice magic works, but then when I actually talk about it you brush it off like it bores you to death."

"Well, it SOUNDS all nice and cool," she replied, weighing with her hands. "But then you just kinda stop talking about the rad stuff and focus on the blah blah dictionary part of it. It DOES bore me to death. You're a fun-sucker, just like Prince Gummyballs."

"Well, that's just the way it is!" the queen said, frowning. "You can't truly appreciate how a magnificent ice castle is constructed if you don't even understand how the crystals bond to form those sexy glass walls, now can you?"

"Okay, but that still sounds so globbin' boring! Yeesh, I just don't get how you have the patience for this junk...".

"Patience is learned through practice, bunny," the queen said as they approached a rather imposing and spiny cliff with a snarling cave mouth at its base. "It's not something you're just born with. Your mind has ways of inventing patience if you truly focus hard enough on what you're trying to learn."

"You're doing that thing again where I know the words but they don't make sense...".

"They'd make sense if you just focused!" Ice Queen snapped.

"Oh, who cares anyway?" Fionna shouted, folding her arms. "It's just dumb ice magic! So I'll never learn exactly how you can make big old lightning bolts out of frozen water, big deal! Let's just go get the stupid crystals so I can make my sword…".

The queen glared back, her mind racing to find an opening. Something was compelling her to keep going. To not lose this argument. That deep-rooted urge pushed a new idea into her head.

"Okay, how about this, then," she said, voice low and steady. "Learning about the fine points of Cryology and Ice Theory could help you make a better sword."  
Fionna paused, and her expression thawed a bit. "...go on."

"You want to really learn why your sword came out clunky and heavy and imperfect?" the queen said, basting her words with the charm of talking in circles around an ancient secret. "Ice Theory is all about understanding exactly that. How crystals can be lighter than water but harder than boulders. If you understand that, you'll understand crystal swords."

There was a certain gleam in Fionna's eyes that the queen recognized immediately as the spark of interest. She had done it. Raw curiosity had been kindled. Time to fan the flames.

"And I should mention, there IS an easy way you could learn all of this..." she said, carefully choosing baited words and bringing her face closer. "I learned it all through hands-on trial and error, risky adventures...and I know how important both of those are to you. You can't learn lessons without them. So, perhaps you're right. Maybe the easiest way for you to learn is not through me reciting the facts to you like Prince Gumball would…".

She leaned forward and looked Fionna dead in the eye. "Perhaps you just need to wear the tiara yourself, and see it all firsthand."

For a moment, Fionna didn't say anything, just stared back in startled confusion. Her eyes slowly traveled up to the tiara, perched calmly atop the queen's head. The faint whisper of memory materialized behind her, an ethereal, distant voice she hadn't heard since she'd found the queen lying unconscious in the woods several nights ago.

She shook her head. "You want me to wear the tiara? Like, for serious?"

"A better question, Fionna, is are you WILLING to wear the tiara?" Ice Queen said, standing full height again. "Are you up to the challenge?"

Fionna raised an eyebrow in suspicion, hands on her hips. "Challenge? What challenge? You put it on your head and then suddenly you got magic dust under your fingernails. What's to know?"

"If only it were that easy," the queen responded, turning to walk into the mouth of the cavern before them. She held up a hand to provide some light. "The tiara isn't just a cursed helmet, you know...it's alive."

Fionna trotted along beside her, glancing around the cavern and taking stock of the gnarled stalagmites jutting out from the floor. A floor, she noted, that was made of stone rather than ice.

"Alive? But you just said it wasn't cursed...".

The queen nodded, still chuffed at securing Fionna's interest. "Well...not cursed like the usual sort of curse. It has a mind of its own. And it can be very fussy if you try to argue with it."

"That's baloney," Fionna said, grabbing on to stalagmites as they walked past. The floor was started to grade downward, and the queen's light spell wasn't illuminating much. "How can a tiara be fussy?"

"Want the official Gumball explanation, or the bite-sized Fionna version?"

"Go halfsies."

The queen frowned, struggling to compromise. "It's like...the tiara shows you where the magic is in the air and unlocks the flow of energy in your muscles needed to manipulate it. The tiara feeds off those magical discharges, and it compels you to use that magic every time you see it. Always. If you aren't completely focusing all of the time, it can squeeze in between the cracks in your brain and all but take over your brain completely, causing you to go nuts and throw magic everywhere."

"Oh, but lemme guess, you somehow got around all that cause you're Miss Superperfect and mastered the power anyway?" Fionna said, skeptical. She was walking more cautiously now, as the floor slanted steeper and curved to the right.

"Fionna, I've been an ice queen for probably a thousand years," the queen replied, speaking in an uncharacteristically serious tone. "And I'm STILL learning things about this tiara! There are no shortcuts here. It took cold, hard dedication to get to where I am, and nothing less."

"Okay then," Fionna conceded, turning her attention for a moment to the wall on her right. It had opened wide and the floor now formed a wide spiralling arc around a rather expansive pit. "So when you gonna let me wear it?"

"The time will come," the queen said. "Considering you have the attention span of a rabbit in spring right now, I don't think it would be wise yet. Soon, though."

"Aww, what? You just offered it to me like two seconds ago, you big booger…".

"Think for just a moment, Fifi. What happens to me when I'm not wearing the tiara?"

Fionna took a moment to flash back to her standing over the queen, threatening to kill."Oh yeah...you kinda start shrivelling up and getting all desperate, huh…".

"Precisely," the queen responded with a certain displeasure. "I'd need you to be paying full attention while using it, or else you'd surely get suckered into the tiara's trap, and I might die in the process. You don't want me to die, do you?"

Fionna stopped, a dull, familiar bell sound ringing in her head. "...no. No, I really don't."

She shook herself back into consciousness, trotting just behind the queen with her sword in hand. There seemed to be a strange presence in the air now. The air was still cold, but smelled musty and dank as well. She could almost feel that strange, invisible weight of someone watching the back of her neck.

"Yo queenie, are we alone down here?"

"Why, you getting ideas in your innocent little head again?"

"Shh," she said, tugging on the queen's dress as the slope of the ground ended and brought them to an open circular area at the bottom of the cave. "I'm pretty sure there's a dungeon boss in here."

"Great, then he can help us gather up these crystals." The queen pointed her light off to the far wall. Tiny beams bounced off the sharp crystal tips and scattered rainbows back at them.

"Oh cool, we found 'em after all," Fionna said, relaxing a bit. "How much we need?"

"As much as you can carry, miss Gun-Show."

"Heh heh, watch and be amazed then, miss Brainfreeze!"

She sauntered across the open cave floor, her boots making muffled thump noises with each step. It was hard to see in the low-light, but it felt like the floor was covered in a blanket of something very soft. Probably powder snow, she told herself.

She hadn't completely shaken the idea that someone was watching her, though. Some unseen presence that was lingering just out of range of all five of her senses. She could almost smell it, if not for the unsettling burnt dust smell hovering in the air.

"So what, they just pop right out? Do I have to be gentle or anything?"

"Frankly darling, if we needed a gentle touch, I wouldn't be entrusting this task to you," came the sarcastic reply.

"Oh go suck a hamburger," Fionna grumbled, grabbing hold and yanking on the nearest exposed crystal shard in the vein. "You're just makin' me do all the heavy lifting 'cause you're still a weak little baaaaAAAAYYO, what the scrap is that?!"

From across the room, a huge shadow scuttled forward, barreling past her and bringing a wake of dust and debris. She clutched her stomach and coughed, blinking the dirt away to try and get a look at the monster. It looked like a giant bug at least three times her size, but its body was draped in heavy tufts of some kind. The dim light from the queen's magic wasn't enough to see much else. She pushed to her feet and brandished her sword, waiting for it to make another pass.

"Get the crystals, Fionna!" Ice Queen said, charging up an ice spell.

"Ice Queen, don't! You're too weak for this right now!" Fionna said, watching the beast skitter around on nearly silent feet, spinning around and charging toward her again. "I gotcha, girl!"

Timing its charge, Fionna leapt up and thrust down with her sword. She felt it make contact just as an oncoming cloud of dust hit her square in the face and knocked her away. She sputtered and coughed again, spitting out chunks of lint. The monster seemed unfazed, and turned around again, making a slurping, hissing sound.

"I think it's...like a dust spider...or something…" Fionna managed to choke out, wearily pulling herself back upright.

"Try closing your mouth, then!" Ice Queen shouted, firing a small ice bolt in the spider's direction. A miss. "And grab the crystals like I told you to!"

"Kinda busy at the moment!"

She put a hand over her mouth and nose, took a deep breath, then held it in her cheeks as she took another swipe at the oncoming rush of giant legs. Again, the sword made contact, but did nothing more than release a burst of dust into her face.

"Ugh" she grumbled into her arm. "I can't do anything against him with this bum sword!"

"Then just grab the crystals and we'll fly out of here," the queen demanded, edging her way along the wall and casting small bolts down at the spider. "It's not complicated, Fionna!"

"But this bozo will just chase us, and he's freakin' FAST!" she replied, dodging another rush. "And stop usin' magic, you're gonna burn yourself out!"

"Well, one of us has to do something useful around here!"

"RRRRGH!" she growled, hopping up on the spider's back. She hacked and chopped, stabbed and thrust, getting only a mouthful of dust bunnies in the process. The spider finally threw her off and backed up, preparing for a charge up the slope, to tackle them both.

"You're right, queenie," she said, wiping the dust from her eyes. "I can't hit him...and those dinky little snowflakes of yours aren't doing diddly neither!"

"Got any better ideas, then?"

Fionna stared back at her for a moment. Their eyes made contact.

"The tiara!" they said in unison.

The queen put a hand over her nose and inhaled deeply, puffing herself up. She slowly pulled the tiara from her head and reluctantly handed it to Fionna. Behind them, the spider hissed again.

The moment her fingertips touched the tiara, time itself seemed to slow down as a cold sensation shot through her veins, pumped out to every corner of her body. She felt a tiny throb of life inside her, like one single, powerful beat of her own heart. She shivered as she placed it gently atop her own head, just under the lip of her trademark bunny hat.

And then she opened her eyes.

Shimmering, shining lights flashed and flickered all around her. Beams of blue and waves of white pulsed in harmonic rhythm, a symphony of sparkles coming from all directions. She spread her arms apart, feeling the smooth chill of winter winds lift her up off the ground. She watched her own hands phasing into blue as they super-cooled and developed tiny rainbow halos around each fingertip. The dangling tuft of hair in front of her face grew longer and thicker, shifting in hue from goldenrod to snow white.

From her suspended perch in the air, she looked down at the dust spider on the cave floor. He seemed much smaller now, and moved much slower. A twinge in her arm jolted it forward, and her hand automatically balled up around a nearby pocket of light energy. As she stared at it, she swore she could see right through her own hand, her veins pumping slowly with a distinct and familiar purple blood.

The energy wound itself up inside her arm, snaking and squeezing its way up through her very muscles. The energy was enormous, and made an audible buzzing sound in her ear. Her eyes widened. Her lips tingled. She pulled her hand back, and watched it shoot forward, a massive spear of solid ice firing down below, straight into the spider's body. It stopped dead in its tracks, its legs flailing around aimlessly for a moment before dropping.

It turned its head upward, locking eyes with Fionna's, and in a stilted, shuddering voice, said, "Tegenaria atrica…do not forget me, mother...".

Fionna stared down at the dead monster, the familiar sensation of victory flooding into her senses. She breathed deep the sharp, cold air, and let out a maddening cackle. Her voice bounced and echoed off the cavern walls, a laughter she'd never heard herself utter before this day.

She let the winds blow her around the cavern in circles as she laughed, wondering where she'd heard this sound before. Something stepped out from the corner of her brain. She stopped flying. Stopped cackling. She listened.

She focused.

A voice was shouting something at her from down below. She quickly glared back down at the spider, fingers tingling with anticipation. The spider was still dead. She turned her head and saw Ice Queen, standing beside the vein of crystals they'd come for in the first place. Her hand was outstretched. She sounded angry.

She focused.

She slowly descended on the breeze, snow appearing where her feet met the cave floor. The queen was reaching out for her. She slowly reached up and wrapped her fingers around the tiara, eyes locked on the queen's. The tiara seemed to have grown heavier, and felt like it was pressing into her skull, growing its roots into her brain. Distant, unintelligible shouting sounds filled her ears.

She focused.

With a great effort, she removed the crown from her head and helped Ice Queen place it back on hers. The strange lights and whispered breezes slowly faded away, to be replaced by her usual five senses. The first normal thing she felt again was breathing the cold, musty air of the cavern.

"...I did it," she coughed.

"You certainly did, yes," the queen said, breathing heavily herself.

"I had no idea...what that thing was like…" she said, leaning against the wall. "I saw…things. Colors…".

"You saw what I like to call the Song of Solstice," the queen replied, straightening up like any normal queen should. "Everything you saw was crystals and light-refraction. Or, as others like to call it, magic!"

Fionna turned her head to look at the still-glittering crystal vein jutting from the cave wall. "Crystals…". The glinting lines formed by the edges of the crystals she'd seen moments ago were still burned into her vision. They formed complex shapes and patterns that she didn't understand until she stopped thinking about them.

She then glanced down at her sword. The same patterns were there too, though much duller and harder to understand.

"Ice Queen…" she said, eyes firmly fixated on the crystal blade. "I just saw a bunch of squiggly lines and shapes, and tiny shapes inside of those shapes, and somehow they made sense. They meant things. Was that...that world-in-a-snowflake thing you talked about before?"

The queen smiled. "So you understand now? Amazing, isn't it."

She tore her eyes away from the sword to look up. "It really WAS amazing...I think I get it now. How the crystals link together and stuff. All this time I kinda thought all that ice crystalballogy stuff was just you tryin' to start some crazy ice cult or something. I didn't realize it was literally what you saw all the time with that tiara on your noggin."

"What's this I'm hearing now?" the queen said, with a hinted gloat. "Is this an admission of my actual coolness?"

Fionna sighed, then chuckled. "Yeah, I guess that was pretty cool!"

"I knew you were interested, I just knew it!" the queen said triumphantly. "I saw the spark in your eyes. It really was only a matter of time before I turned you on to crystology and showed you just how cool ice theory can be!"

"Ha, you little sneak...you totally just psychologied me again, didn't you?"

"You already wanted it, Fionna," the queen said, pulling out shards of crystal from the wall and handing them to her. "Remember? You wanted to learn how to make a sword. It just so happened that ice theory and crystal swords have a few things in common."

"Huh, so they do…" Fionna pondered, stuffing the crystals into the backpack. "Maybe learning all this ice and crystal junk before learning sword-making won't be so boring after all...".

The queen paused for a moment, a distant smile approaching.

"I mean, if you'll keep me around for longer, that is," Fionna said, shifting her weight. "Whaddya say, queenie? Teach your new girlfriend to use your tiara?"

Ice Queen didn't respond at first, just slowly continued plucking crystals, lost in some dreamy afterthought. She realized she hadn't been paying attention and quickly turned to face her new girlfriend.

"Oh, and feed me, too," Fionna added, pulling the penguin snacks from her backpack. "Gotta have my munchies. And, uh...maybe smooch me some more, while we're at it?"

"You're actually serious about this," the queen finally said. "You really want me to teach you ice magic. I finally found a willing student who wants to learn MY particular brand of magic, without any coercion at all. You want me to TEACH you...".

"And feed me," Fionna reminded her. "Very important."

"I still don't understand why, though. Why do you suddenly want to learn?"

"I already told you," Fionna replied, shouldering her sword. "I gotta learn how to make babies like this one. The sword you made for me was perfect in probably every way, and I can't believe I lost it in the Flame Princident...that old sword is gone now. But, even if it was perfect, it was an Ice Queen sword. The sword I WANT needs to be a Fionna sword."

She took a step forward, putting a hand on the queen's shoulder. "And you're the only one who can teach me how to make one of those."

Ice Queen stared at her for a moment, then at the floor. This was the opportunity of her lifetime, to finally teach a willing student everything she had taught herself over the years. Her mind screamed that it was a trick, a counterattack meant to disarm her, a dirty trick being used to win the eternal game of life. And yet, she also knew Fionna simply wasn't capable of a trick like that. Her inclination for learning was absolutely genuine, and the queen wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that.

"Remember when you asked me about doing something for myself the other night?" Fionna said, amazed she'd remembered any of last night's conversation at all. "Well this is what I want, queenie."

"You wanna hang out with a crazy old slag-hag like me?"

"Yeah...I wanna spend time with my girlfriend," Fionna said with a smile. She took the queen's hand in hers and began leading her back out of the cave. "Now come on, let's get out of this nasty cave."  
They stepped in rhythm together up and out into the open winter air, Fionna beaming with pride at her secret plan to keep the queen happy in action. The queen stayed quiet most of the way, a faint smile and a hint of blush on her face all the while. That is, until she had to stop Fionna from choking on a mouthful of penguin snacks.


	22. The Next Ice Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fionna doesn't have the patience for all this classroom-boring crystalballogy stuff, and wants to spend more time under direct control of the Queen's tiara. Problem is, the Queen kind of needs that thingy to live...conundrums ahoy! All this talk of mortality and "when you're gone"...man, what happened to the carefree days of youth, anyway?

"Wait wait wait wait," Fionna said, her white-blond bush of hair bouncing back and forth as she shook her head. "Start over and explain it again, 'cause I'm pretty sure my brain just flushed whatever you were talkin' about right down the toilet."

Ice Queen sighed dramatically. "Again? Fionna, we're never going to make ANY progress at this rate."

"Aww, gimme a break, it's really distracting out here," she whined, sitting up cross-legged. The grass below tickled her bare feet, and the setting sun was casting glaring orange light into her eyes.

"No excuses bunny-buns, YOU'RE the one who suggested this spot," the queen reminded her as she cupped her hand around a nearby pool of magic and watched the energy waves saunter between her fingers.

"Yeah, and you very specifically told me, YOU SAID, to pick a place with absolutely no snow on the ground," Fionna retorted, plucking a handful of grass and tossing it. "I don't see no stinkin' snow here, d'you? At least gimme some points for my primo location-pickin' skills!"

"I suppose you were just following my orders after all," the queen conceded, stretching out on her side. "I don't think I've ever even seen this little oasis, anyway."

"It's a secret picnic spot of mine!" Fionna said with a toothy smile. "Sure, it may only be just a tiny pocket on the side of a tangly old mountain, and the only way to get here is by crawlin' on your belly and squishin' your bags through that bottlenecky tunnel part...but you'll never find grass more pillow soft, a lake more mirror calm, or a moonrise viewpoint more epic than right here, out over that ledge."

"Ooh, romantic to a fault," the queen crooned.

"Yeah, well...y'know, whatever puffs your floaties," Fionna said, turning away to force back the oncoming rush of blood to her cheeks. "Now shush up and go back to what you were saying."

"What WAS I saying?"

"You don't remember?"

"No, I remember. Did YOU forget?"

"Noooooo…".

"Fionna…".

"...yesssss."

With a loud sigh, the queen sat up again, pushed the hair from her face and held up her pointer. "Eyes on the finger."

Said finger rolled around, then plunged down slowly into the pool. Fionna batted the long tuft of hair away from her face again, genuinely trying to pay attention. Ever since she'd taken the tiara off, her hair had tried to revert back toward its original yellow hue, but got stuck halfway, and now remained significantly longer and paler than before, and this required some getting used to.

The queen glanced back up her expectantly. Fionna pursed her lips.

"...what are you gonna do with that finger, give me a wet willy?"

"Look at what I'm doing with the water," the queen said, a bit impatiently. "Or rather, look at what's NOT happening to the water when I touch it using magic from the tiara."

Fionna tilted her head. "...it's...not freezing?"

"Bingo. Why do you suppose it's not freezing?"

Her nose twitched slightly as she flipped through a few possible responses in her head. "...because it's too hot out here?"

"Because I'm FOCUSING my energy and I'm holding the crystallization process back," the queen said, taking notice of the sweat beads forming on Fionna's forehead. "I'm forcing the crystals to NOT form in their own natural pattern. This will be a very good focus exercise for you to start with."

"Pff...learning to make ice by NOT making ice?" Fionna said, with a roll of the eyes and another handful of grass.

"Learning how to control where the ice gets made and where it doesn't," the queen replied, struggling to dumb down her explanation. "I'm trying to explain how your crystal sword came out shoddy and misshapen. It's because while the crystals were still hot, they were still moving around and fell out of shape before I could cool them down and freeze them correctly."

Fionna considered this for a moment. "...oh, so maybe like when an ice cream cone starts melting and you have to do some careful tongue-fu action to keep it in shape so it doesn't dribble down onto your fingers?"

Ice Queen watched intently as a single bead of sweat rolled off the end of Fionna's nose and dripped onto her thigh. "...yes, actually. That's quite an astute comparison."

"Yiss!" Fionna cheered, clapping her hands together. "I think I'm finally getting the hang of your hybergobble science language...can I try it with the tiara now?"

"If you think you're ready to put it on again…".

Fionna inhaled slowly and glanced up at the tiara. She could already hear the raspy whispering calling out to her, begging even, for her to snatch it off the queen's head and crown herself with it again. Her body instantly recalled the sensations of its magic, from the tips of her toes to the brain in her head. Cavorting lights, the sharp smell of winter, the electric hum of the energies in the air. The feelings were all still fresh and frightening, but at the same time, they excited and enticed her. That excitement was not entirely unlike the first time Ice Queen had kissed her...

And she exhaled, opening her eyes slowly. "Yeah, I'm ready."

The queen pulled the tiara from her head with a deliberate, heavy motion and passed it to her. Its smooth frame was still cold to the touch. Fionna placed it gently atop her head, tucking the ends under the lip of her hat.

And all at once, the entire world lit up in sparks and bright flashes once again. Arcs of raw magical energy pulsed in her palms, leaving a frantic, prickling sensation, eager to be put to use. Her fingers started wrapping around the ball of light...

Wait, no! she told herself. I'm here to focus…

With a firm, concentrated effort, she raised a hand outward, extended one finger and plunged it hard into the pool. Immediately, the surface of the water began freezing, ice crystals spreading out in dedicated, concentric circles. She flexed her finger a bit, watching as the ice slowed down, eventually coming to a stop.

"Good," the queen said, watching intently. "Now you need to focus on the ice crystals themselves, and break them apart with your brain."

Fionna bit her lip and kept her finger taut while glaring hard at the ice. Sparkling pinpoints of light glittered back at her, piercing her eyeballs. She tried to shake it away and brought her face in closer.

"You have to focus hard, Fionna," the queen urged, sitting forward and clutching patches of grass between her fingers. "Keep your eyes on the edges of each crystal. Don't lose sight of them behind the lights!"

"I'm trying!" Fionna replied, a sleek new harmonic circling around her voice. The magic was bubbling deep inside her body, making more and more changes the longer she wore the tiara. She wasn't even aware that her hair had grown thicker and whiter than ever, her skin was glowing a pale blue like it had back in the dust cavern, and now even her voice was transforming.

Thoughts and memories of snow and flurries and blizzards passed by in a blinking instant as she grit her teeth and channeled all of her attention back into the ice in front of her. A white roar of rushing wind had formed inside her ears as she tried again to pull the ice crystals back into themselves.

"Concentrate, Fionna!" the queen shouted, louder than she had meant to. Fionna could hardly hear her anyway.

"I'm trying, shut up!" The crystals weren't trying along with her.

"Focus on the cleavage, Fionna!" Ice Queen shouted, lunging forward and pointing to a sheared rift in a single crystal of the ice. "That's the weak spot, start right there!"

She watched with even heavier breathing as Fionna's fingertip moved slowly into the correct place, and bit into her lip with a burning impatience. Easy now, Ice Queen, she told herself. Fionna's still completely new to this sort of thing. She hasn't mastered the element like you have. No one ever has. She's still new. She's still learning. She's...she's taking too long. I have to show her how to do it.

"Here, let me just show you…".

"No, hang on, I got this," Fionna replied in a voice that sounded like a wet finger on the rim of a wineglass.

"Let me do it, Fionna!" the queen shouted, pushing her way over, reaching out for the tiara. "You need to let me show you!"

"SHUT UP, JUST GIVE ME A FREAKIN' SECOND!" she screamed, dodging and casting a pair of ice shackles around the queen's wrists.

"FIONNA!"

"LET ME BE, YOU CRUSTY HAG!"

Enraged, Ice Queen pushed herself up on her shackled hands and swung her legs around in a wide kick, catching Fionna's midsection and throwing her to the ground. With another forward thrust, she broke free of the cuffs and threw herself on top of Fionna, snarling and shouting as she reached frantically for the tiara. But Fionna struggled beneath her, blasting out a cold wind into the queen's face and trying unsuccessfully to kick her off. She stopped when the magic lights all froze abruptly and fell to the ground as she felt the sharp sting on her cheek from where the queen slapped her. The roaring wind disappeared and the world returned to its normal hue.

With another swipe, the queen reclaimed her tiara and quickly settled it back on her head. Her breathing steadied, her heart calmed, her fingers relaxed their grip around Fionna's wrists. The feeling of lights dancing inside of Fionna's body faded away and winter's fury was replaced with the serenity of the springtime sunset. Her own chest stopped heaving. The stinging feeling on her cheek was the only sensation remaining.

And an awkward silence filled the air.

Ice Queen finally broke the eye contact, glancing down. "...good thing we're alone out here. People might see this and get some very strange ideas about our relationship."

Fionna groaned and rolled her eyes. "That's all you can say? Ugh, get your giganto butt offa me...".

"Sorry, it's an automatic response," she said, not sorry at all. She took a minute to sort out all the legs and slid off of Fionna's body to one side. "I probably shouldn't have gotten physical...but I got impatient."

"Ya think?" Fionna grumbled, pushing herself up into a sitting position. "And I woulda figured it out too, if you'd just given me like another meddlin' minute."

"Another minute and I might have passed out, Fionna…" the queen said pointedly. "You're forgetting that my life is directly tied to this tiara."

Fionna sighed. "Yeah, guess that's true...man, but I was so INTO it! I'm finally starting to see all those weird, super complicatey things you've been jabbering about, and I think it's kinda making sense now? I never even thought ice was anything more than hard water before I heard you talk about it. And now that I know you're not full of poop, I gotta say...you were right. Ice magic is pretty top-shelf!"

The queen couldn't hold back a smile as she looked away. How long now had she never even dared to hope that she'd find someone who would even acknowledge her passions, to care about and validate her life's achievements. She felt as though Destiny had finally given her a position to pass down her research and wisdom to a new generation, to be the respected teacher instead of the feared witch. To give instead of take. The feeling was almost completely alien...

"Now if only you could keep your focus long enough for me to teach you more," she said, pulling herself back into the moment.

"I knowwwww," Fionna replied, stretching out the word as she stretched her limbs. "It's just really hard to focus on what I'm doing when the crystals are so freakin' pretty though...not even to mention all these really distracting distractions out here, what with the heat and the grass and the...okay, I guess it's just all nature. I think I love nature too much."

The queen tossed her hair back and wiped her brow. "Are you really hot today?"

"Well, YOU seem to think so," Fionna replied with a sly smile.

"I MEANT why are you sweating so much?...though both are correct."

"I dunno, why are YOU sweating so much? Is it because YOU'RE super hot too?"

"You're on fire today, Fionna…" the queen said, rather impressed. "Wish you could've been that on fire with your training."

"Now that you mention it, I AM sweating an awful lot today," Fionna said, flapping the hem of the crazy makeshift outfit she still hadn't given a name to. "Gross. What's up with that?"

"Hmm...it's probably got something to do with you wearing the tiara," Ice Queen mused. "One side effect of wearing it is that your body becomes super-cooled, instead of the usual warmth you're used to. You should actually see your skin right now, it's a lovely pale blue."

"Heh, so now we're wearing matching outfits AND matching skin?" Fionna again pushed the oversized tuft of hair from her face and wiped the sweat from her forehead. "How do you even manage the heat, queenie?"

"I don't manage," she said flatly. "I surround myself with ice and snow, freeze my bumps off so I never have to deal with it. A queen who sweats in front of her subjects? Please."

"So what then, I gotta go live with you in the Ice Palace forever, versus sweatin' my face off out here and melting into a puddle of goop?"

The queen paused in thought for a moment, absent-mindedly picking up a clump of grass and tossing it aside. New thoughts had been unleashed and started running around inside her head. Thoughts that, in hindsight, she should really have prepared for. The look on her face slowly morphed from "mild confusion" into "oncoming train".

"...Fionna, this may be more complicated than I anticipated," she said hesitantly.

"Whatsa matter, you gettin' cold feet now?" Fionna asked, playfully jabbing at her arm.

"No, I really should have thought this through," she continued, brushing Fionna away and putting a hand to her forehead. "What are we going to do now that I've skipped ahead and gotten you started on the tiara?"

"Incomplete sentences, Miss Powder Puff. Lighten up and spell it out for me."

The queen shot her a glance, locking eyes. "Fionna...you're becoming an ice queen, just like me."

A silent moment passed before Fionna followed up. "Yeah, and? We talked about that already. You teach me wizardy ice magic biz and I keep you outta trouble and go on adventures and tell you how pretty your hair is and stuff."

"You're missing my point, Fionna, as usual" the queen continued, sharpening her tone. "The more I teach you, the more you're going to need to wear the tiara. Like I do."

"Like...to level up my skills?"

"Like to live."

Fionna stared back at her with a familiar skeptical eyebrow raised. "...you mean like when you did that freakout desperation thingy on me every time I snitched the thing off your head?"

"Yes, that. Did you think that was just me being a big old drama queen all this time?"

"Mmmm, kinda…".

"I explained this to you earlier, Fionna," the queen said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "The reason I've lived so long is because of this tiara. My permafrost bones still work only because this tiara keeps them alive under its ice magic. And how that I've gone and let you wear this tiara, your body's going to start needing it just as much as mine does...do you understand the situation now?"

Fionna frowned and carried on fanning herself. "Huh. Well I wish I'd known putting it on would mean I'd start sweatin' like a summer-lovin' piglet all the time. Ugh, you must be melting too, in this heat...wanna get out of here and find us some place to chill out?"

The queen cocked her head and raised one pointy eyebrow. "You're being uncharacteristically calm about this."

Fionna shrugged. "Yeah well, kickin' and screamin' isn't gonna help much is it? Just cause I'm sweating my lumps off doesn't mean I gotta make a big old scene out of it, like SOME people I know…".

"Fionna, I don't think you--"

"Hey, let's at least go find a shower or something," she interrupted, rising to her feet. "We're not far from Marshall's house out here. Let's go wake him up and see if he'll let me borrow his for a sec, so I can wash the stink out of my pretty new dress."

"Fionna…".

"Come on bubblebutt, up ya go!" She offered a hand.

The queen frowned and stared up at her for a moment, processing a dozen or even a hundred thoughts, and especially wondering if Fionna was just completely oblivious - or maybe deliberately oblivious - to the bad news she was trying to deliver. She decided to instead process the changes Fionna had already sustained from tiara exposure.

Her skin had certainly shifted much paler, and the usual cuts and scrapes seemed to have disappeared under a fresh layer of frost. Her trademark bunny hat had now merged right into her new hair color, and only framed her face along with the great, milky waves of bushy, soft hair pouring out from beneath it. But for all this, she still had Fionna's tough-talking baby face, eyes full of righteousness and curiosity, and that silly bucktoothed smile...for all the ways she had now started resembling the Ice Queen, she was definitely still Fionna first, and that seemed to bring a small measure of comfort now.

"Do I have penguin munchies on my face or somethin'?"

Ice Queen clicked back into the moment. "Sorry. I'm just...thinking about stuff."

"You're always thinking about stuff," Fionna replied, pulling the queen to her feet. "You should try emptying that busy brain once in a while. It's super liberating!"

"I can only imagine what it must be like to be you," she said sarcastically, brushing the loose grass from her dress. "And if you all you want is a shower, why don't you just jump in the lake right here?"

"Don't tell me to go jump in a lake!" Fionna huffed, punching her in the arm. "I wanna go take a nice cool shower, and I can even say hi to Marshall while I'm at it. Also I think there's a fish monster in that lake...not that I couldn't take him, I'm just sayin'."

The queen sighed and shook her head. "Fionna, if this were any other day, and if you were any other girl, I'd probably bind you in ice chains and FORCE you to stay here and do your homework...but since you've given me a lot to think about just now, I suppose I can grant you time for a quick shower."

"Yaaaay!"

Fionna pointed down toward a jutting outcropping of rock at the base of the mountain below them. "Marshall's house is sort of around there-ish. We can hike down there in like an hour, probably."

"Or we could get there in a few quick minutes if we take the Ice Queen express," the queen responded, stretching her arms.

"Huh? Like...fly over there?"

"Better than trudging along on foot in this heat."

"But, can you like...are you sure you're recovered enough for that?" Fionna asked, cautiously. "Cause you'd have to carry me...or, uh, let me wear the tiara again and teach me how to carry YOU…".

"No," the queen replied without a second thought. "I will carry YOU."

"You sure?" she pressed, tugging on the queen's wrist a bit. "It'd probably be good homework for me…".

"Now's not a good time for homework, though..." the queen said wistfully, gazing out into the dramatic glow of the sunset.

Fionna bit her lip and felt her eyes drifting up past the queen's suddenly somber face, slowly settling on the golden sparkle of the tiara. She felt her fingers twitch as she stared at it, and she swore she heard it whisper her name...or was that her whispering the tiara's name?

She tore herself away, releasing the queen's arm. What the heck was that just now? It was like my body absolutely HAD to touch the tiara or something...I don't NEED that thing! Not right now, anyway! I mean, it's freakin' cool as heck, and I defs wanna play with it some more, but it's not like I NEED it or nothin'...I'm not Ice Queen, for Grod's sake! I ain't THAT desperate…

...yet, anyway…

"Ready?" Ice Queen finally asked. "You don't have to pee or anything?"

"Nah," Fionna said, stepping behind the queen and placing her hands on her shoulders. "If I do, I'll just wait til I get in the shower."

"Fionna, that's disgusting!"

"Shaddup, no it's not!"

She hopped up and indignantly wrapped her legs around the queen's waist, and then wrapped her arms around the queen's upper body.

"Hey!" the queen yelped, struggling to shift her balance. "A little warning next time? And don't think I haven't noticed the cozy little handhold you've taken there…".

Fionna adjusted her hands slightly to gain her bearings, then pretended she wasn't blushing when she realized where they had been positioned. "What, that's just...a really convenient place to put 'em!"

"If you say so," the queen purred, automatically dropping back into her typical flirty nature. She took a moment to acknowledge somewhere in the back of her brain how innuendo and lewd humor worked like a defense mechanism for her. Whenever her thoughts started to get too heavy or too intense, she could just fall into the comfort of making dumb jokes about body parts and people's varying desires to touch them. The satisfaction of a successful tease gave her a small feeling of control or power, where overwhelming thoughts took that power away…

...but she made certain that that whole acknowledgement stayed securely in the back of her mind, for it too was a heavy thought, and more of those were the last thing she needed right now.

So with that, the queen knelt down, gathered up a jet of arcane energy, and sprung into the air, cold winds billowing out behind her like the tail of a kite as she surfed on the invisible ley-lines of natural magic in the sky. Fionna sat comfortably cushioned against the queen's pillowy bottom, and gave in to the urge to bury her face in the blanket of her hair.

The stomach-flipping feeling of soaring through the air brought back the foggy memories of her agonizing flight with Flame Prince several weeks ago. But this was a much different feeling. With her nose pressed against Ice Queen's powder snow hair, the scent of fresh winter slowly flowing directly down into her body, even her old scars didn't ache. These feelings of ice coldness all but numbed the old pain altogether, instead bringing about a new sense of peace that rushed around inside her.

And it wasn't like the fleeting, temporary peace from before. Not the hollow peace of a single victory in a bigger war. This time, she felt as though she had overcome her enemy in a way much stronger than sword and fist, not vanquishing the enemy, but transforming them altogether. She had won the battle through understanding, and even love. This was an honest and true sense of peace, a feeling she couldn't recall ever feeling before.

Could this have been one of those "absolutely perfect moments" she'd heard about?

Either way, the moment was soon over as the queen touched down near the sharp and imposing cavern that enveloped Marshall Lee's house. Fionna reluctantly hopped down off the queen's back and placed a hand on her shoulder, complete with a smile. The queen half-smiled back, unsure of the gesture but content to see Fionna happy.

"Alright then," Fionna said, straightening up and bringing herself out of her mushy feelings. "Let's get me un-stunk!"

She strode up to the front door and prepared to knock, but stopped short when she realized Ice Queen hadn't followed her. Fionna shot her a quizzical look.

"I doubt Marshall will be pleased to see me," she said, scratching her arm. "You remember, the Gumball incident and all that? I'll just stay back here so I don't embarrass you."

"Ooh, yeah…" Fionna said, twitching her lips. "Could be awkward...well you know what, nerts to that anyway! That was like, in the past and whatever, right? It's not like you're gonna do it again."

Ice Queen smacked her lips and crossed her arms.

"...you're not, right?"

"Oh for Glob's sake, of course not. Just knock already."

Fionna shrugged and again resumed the door-knocking position. No sooner than the first rapping sound of knuckles against wood than a hovering silhouette swung lazily around the corner of the house, greeting her from the shadows with an ominous, velvet tone. "What's a sweet little bunny rabbit doin' poking around the fox hole?"

"Oh! Hey Marshall!" Fionna said, tossing her hair tuft aside as she turned.

"Dude, what are you wearing?" he said with a snicker as he drifted into the light. "And what's up with this wild hair? Are you doing some kind of art piece? Like a pastiche of--"

He stopped short, then drew back into the shadows and snarled at the sight of "--ICE QUEEN?!"

The queen lazily waved a hand and leaned up against a stalagmite, arms folded.

"Fionna, you'd better tell me what's going on here," he hissed. "What are you doing with that...thing?!"

"Hey, hey, chill man!" she said, patting his arm. He clearly was not in the mood to be patted though, and snatched his arm away. "She's with me! We're all good in the wood here, I swear!"

"Oh great, and she's got you hypnotized too!" Shadows rippled and smoke curled around his fists as he pushed her to one side and leapt down off the porch. "You got a lot of nerve bringing her HERE, you lip-chapper!"

The queen frowned and automatically coated her hands in gleaming ice claws, but decided not to get up. Fionna had already jumped down beside Marshall anyway and was busily trying to push him back against the railing around the porch. Probably better to remain aloof…

"LISTEN TO ME, YOU SNOTBUCKET!"

Marshall turned to face her again, his eyes morphing from catseye slits back to normal and his forked tongue slowly retracting back into his mouth. "You're...you're not an ice zombie?"

"Of course not, garlic butt!" Fionna said, swatting him on the nose. "I'm Fionna!"

Unconvinced, Marshall eyeballed her, then shifted over to the queen, then back to Fionna. "...so what am I missin' then?"

"A very, very, very, very, very, very long story," Fionna sighed, counting on her fingers. "The punchline though, is that Ice Queen is gonna behave and is kind of also my girlfriend now."

Marshall's facial muscles didn't respond. "Ha."

Fionna put her hands on her hips and pouted.

His facial muscles dropped and his whole upper body slouched along with them. "...for serious? There's not an ACTUAL punchline coming after that?"

"Gimme a little trust here, dude!" she said, poking him in the chest. "Would I lie to you?"

"If it was funny, then yeah, you might...". He wiped his nose on his sleeve, gave the queen another once-over, then grunted in reluctant approval. "...nice dress, Snotcicle. You going to a party or something?"

"Thanks..." she said, cold breath steaming up in the late evening air. "I'm experimenting with a new look."

"Yeah? I'd call it sexy, but unfortunately the dress is on YOU, so…".

"Okay, enough of that," Fionna cut in, tugging on the neckline of her own new look. "Now that you got a couple cubes in your drink, let's get down to the biz. So me and Queenie here were just chillin' in the neighborhood and I realized I was hotter than a jacuzzi full of foxes in bikinis..."

Both Ice Queen and Marshall opened their mouths to insert a comment, met each other's eyes halfway, and decided against it.

"...so I figured I'd swing by and ask if I could pop in your shower real quick."

Marshall cocked his head. "...that's all? You're just gonna bring your most despicable, immortal enemy into MY front yard, bomb me with the revelation that you two are...test driving together, and then without further ado ask my permission to get wet and naked right in my own bathroom?"

"Yup!"

Marshall's gaze wandered off for a moment, his feet hovering off the ground subconsciously as he tried for a few moments to make sense of it all. When he admitted logic had clearly stopped cooperating with him, he just gave up and shrugged. "...yeah, fine, I guess. Knock yourself out."

"Cool, thanks!" she said, dashing past him into the front door. "You two just mingle for a bit while I crew my pits!"

"Wait, you're leaving HER with ME?" Marshall asked, sourly.

"Hey, behave!" Fionna said, firing an ice bolt at him...if she'd had the tiara, that is. She hadn't even realized that her hand had very automatically gone through the exact motion for it. She pretended she had just meant to point her finger anyway. "Besides, I know you can handle her if she gets weird...and she'd better NOT."

Ice Queen closed the zipper over her lips with a flourish and a flash of the OK sign.

"Good. B-R-B!"

And the thunk of the closing door remained the only sound echoing around the cavern for several moments as the two self-appointed monarchs stared awkwardly at each other, wondering where the conversation should even begin.

Marshall dug a finger in his ear, took a moment to survey the collected wax on his nail, then flicked it off into the shadows and stuffed the hand back into his pocket. "Soooo…guess I'll start the heartfelt confessions, then. Hi, my name is Marshall and I have absolutely no flapping idea what's going on here."

"It's not particularly complicated," Ice Queen said, stretching her arms. "Fionna and I have been through a lot of harrowing trouble lately, and after spending so much time together, we've somehow become an item. In other words, you missed your chance to get with all this right here."

"Puh-lease," he yawned. "You know I'm way out of your league, anyway…".

He hovered closer and frowned. "What I don't understand is how you, the Ice Queen, the big ugly BLEMISH on the face of this wonderful land we call home, managed to corrupt Fionna, the stalwart hero and reigning champion of undying goodness. That girl's stubborn as death, and she doesn't bend easy, if I know anything about anything."

"You know, I'll be honest," the queen said, staring up at the cavern ceiling above. "I don't even remember where along the way it happened...it wasn't even my original plan, really. It was supposed to be a game. A thrill. But actually, it's all started to blur together now that I'm thinking about it...".

Marshall raised an eyebrow. "Sounds like it IS particularly complicated."

"Hmph."

"And anyway, why's she dressed so funny?" he scoffed, leaning against the porch rail. "She's stealin' your goofy trademark look."

"Pah, an insult to my sense of style!" she huffed, quite sarcastically. "That abomination she's wearing is all that's left of my old dress after she ripped it to shreds."

He snickered in response. "Too much info, queenie...".

She gave him an exasperated frown. "Get your mind out of the trash can. At least she's wearing the proper colors for an ice queen."

"Oh-ho, say what?" he said with a grin. "So she IS stealing your look?"

"She's...learning to become an ice queen," she mumbled hesitantly.

The muffled sound of distant shower water was the only thing filling the pause that followed. Marshall's feet slowly descended back to the ground, and his grin slowly descended back into a weary, distrusting frown. His deepest guts had been nagging him all along that something was clearly not right about this whole thing.

"I knew it," he said through clenched teeth, shaking his head. "You ARE corrupting her!"

"Hey, it's not like I'm forcing this on her!" Ice Queen shot back. "She WANTS this! She insisted I teach her about ice magic!"

"That doesn't sound like Fionna," he spit, hands contracting back into fists inside his pockets. "...and all this sharing and caring garbage doesn't sound like YOU, either."

"Feh! You say that like you know me at all, Marshall," she said, red flags going up left and right around her. The atmosphere had thickened with a hostile aura, and the faint smell of burning metal hovered around her. The smell of trouble.

"I know enough," he said coldly, narrowing his gaze. "Why do you think I've avoided you all these years?"

Ice Queen closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I really don't need this right now, Marshall...WE really don't need this. Fionna and I have both been through enough lately!"

"Stop speaking for her!" he shouted, flying over to her, face-to-face. "And don't act like you haven't been the CAUSE of her pain!"

"Back off!" she retorted, pushing him away. "I'm not fighting over this! Not now!"

"Oh really?" he goaded, pushing back. "Come on, you old hag! Let's settle our score!"

"BACK! OFF!"

Marshall fell back as the wall of ice shot skyward, splitting the two of them apart. Through the translucent surface he could see the queen sitting on the ground, head in her hands and breathing hard. Fury and terror were mixed across her face, but it was clear she was in no mood or shape to fight back.

"Fine, whatever," he said, getting back on his feet. "Block the world out. Hide behind your ice. It's not like you can hide behind it forever. Even if you are immortal."

Ice Queen grit her teeth together, fingers still tingling with a magical charge. The air fogged up around her as she exhaled deeply. "...I guess that's the thing about immortality, isn't it?"

Marshall glared back at her.

"You can live forever without worrying about consequence to yourself," she continued, breathing slowly returning to normal. "You have all the time in the world to wait...but you can't just spend it all with your heart concealed behind a wall of ice, can you?"

"What do you know about hearts, anyway?" Marshall replied in a harsh whisper. "Even eternal life wouldn't be long enough an absence for my heart to grow fonder of you."

The words shouldn't have stung someone with a heart as permafrost as Ice Queen's, but they did nonetheless. She cursed under her breath, blaming the softening of her heart on the girl who'd torn open the walls around it.

She raised a hand, but instead of firing an ice bolt, she slowly relaxed each finger one by one, and a small rift began forming in the wall. "...I suppose I can't blame you for feeling that way, can I?"

He didn't respond, but listened.

"I've spent what feels like my whole life living alone without ever facing a single consequence," she continued, shaking her head as the cracks spread further. "Whenever consequences fought back, I would just hide behind my ice walls, shut out the world until I could convince myself I'd be okay, then do it all over again."

"A heart of ice to match," he mumbled, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, I get it," she sighed, watching the ice fracture deeper. "I can't make friends like normal people. I've done soul-punching things that nobody wants to forgive. And I'll never be able to UNDO any of them. I've spoiled all of it. I get it. I GET IT!"

She quickly rose to her feet and beat her fists against the ice wall, shattering it. Marshall ducked to avoid an oncoming shard of ice and snarled back at her. "Watch it!"

"I've been doing quite a lot of thinking lately, Marshall…" the queen said through grit teeth, ignoring him. "More brainwork than I've had to do in years. More than I'm even comfortable with. And you know why I've suddenly started wracking my brain so much lately?"

His eyes narrowed. Her brows furrowed.

"...it's all because of Fionna."

Marshall refused to tone down the tension just yet. "...what are you talking about?"

Ice Queen brushed off her dress, adjusted her bra strap uncomfortably, and allowed herself to regain her regal composure.

"I don't pretend to know if it was Fionna who developed a thing for me, or if I developed one for her," she said, weighing the options on her hands. "But it doesn't matter once your heart is made up, does it? The point is that we seem to have grown close...and now I'm worried."

Marshall blinked at her, unimpressed. "Worried you'll butcher it all up?"

"Oh I know for certain there will be butchering," she said confidently, as her natural air of self-importance slowly found its way back into her presence. "I thought I'd just made it clear how prone to bad choices I've been, historically. No. What I'm worried about now is the future itself…".

"Why?"

"Use your brain, Marshall!" she snapped. "Do you ever think about the future?"

"Pfft, why bother?" he said, brushing it away. "The future's never done me any favors. I only have to think about right now, and even then I don't have to do jack sprat about it! Future's gonna come no matter what, so why should I piddle away my time thinking about it?"

"Exactly, you don't have to think about it," the queen continued, testily. "I don't have to think about it either. Or I SHOULDN'T have to, anyway. Because you and I are immortal. Isn't that right, Mister Vampire King?"

"I'm kinda more of a vampire in the way I hate garlic and dance with the undead," he answered sarcastically. "But okay, sure. I don't have to think about it because I'm not gonna kick the bucket any time soon."

"Thank you," she replied, bitterly enunciating each sound. "So then, my POINT, Marshall, is that, from one immortal to another immortal, even a dandruff flake like you can understand the problem behind an immortal person developing a thing with someone who isn't…".

The taut evening air finally relaxed as Marshall sighed and allowed himself to sober up a bit. "...ugh, why can't it ever be NOT depressing to talk to you?"

Ice Queen only shrugged in response. "Do you get it now?"

"Sure," he said, carelessly falling backward into a reclined float. "So here's a dishing of my world-class advice: ...stop being depressing."

"Marshall, I'm being serious."

"Which is depressing," he corrected, closing his eyes and crossing his arms over his heart. "I'M the one who's being serious here. You gotta knock that junk off if you wanna be anywhere even near the city limits of Happy."

The queen snorted, crossing her arms and turning away. "Some help you are."

"What, you expected me to help a soft-serve freak like you in the first place?" he continued, drifting back into the shadows. "After all the grimy, turd-shuffling things you've pulled? Take a hint, O Witch of Winter...".

She didn't respond, just continued vacantly watching the edge of the sun sink into the horizon as it slowly faded the tint of the skyline from orange to purple. She could feel a cold burning behind her ears, and she could hear the pouring sound of energy in the air around her.

Marshall continued mocking her from somewhere near the porch. "Hey, what's the acronym for O Witch Of Winter? It's OW OW! Y'know? Like what people say when you don't get your way and you shoot your big old popsicle spikes right up their butts!"

Her fists clenched tightly again. She knew she shouldn't, but she wasn't in a mood to put up with any of the sass pouring out of Marshall's mouth today. The meditational breathing exercises she'd taught herself weren't doing much to help, and only encouraged her to breathe heavier.

"C'mon, whatsa matter, Ice Queen? That's exactly what you wanna do right now, isn't it? Shoot a big fat ice spike right into my juicy cheek-meats? My BUTT cheek-meats?"

The ice was already crystallizing around her hand.

"Here, I'll even give you a target you can't miss!"

She felt the tension snap as she whipped herself around.

All in one instant, everything went silent as the front door burst open, and a drippy Fionna wrapped haphazardly in a bathrobe with a massive tangle of dangling hair shouted, "'Sup nerds, you can stop talkin' smack about me now, cause here I--uhh...".

The massive frozen spike slowly retracted into the queen's palm as she lowered her outstretched hand. Marshall jerked his jeans back up, fiddling with the belt.

"...nice," Fionna mumbled, her expression trying to settle on an emotion between suspicion, laughter, and embarrassment.

"You didn't see nothin'," Marshall grumbled, taking a seat on the edge of the roof.

"Pretty fat nothin' then," she snickered in response, then switched to a more serious tone. "So I guess you two found somethin' to talk about while I was gone, eh?"

"Nothing important," the queen muttered, looking away.

"We were talking about what happens when you die, Fifironi," Marshall said pointedly, eyes on the queen. As expected, her head jolted back up so she could glare back at him.

"Die?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "I thought you guys were gonna live forever, though."

"Well yeah, WE will," he said, pointing with both hands. "But we were talking about YOU…".

"Oh-ho, so I was right," she replied with a knowing grin. "You guys were talkin' smack AND plotting my murder, then figuring out how to divvy my spoils! Ya creepers."

"Nah, we're not that far done with you yet," he said, sighing as his expression turned somber. "But seriously, we were talking about how you won't live forever along with us."

"Sure I will," she said, matter-of-factly.

Marshall and the queen again exchanged looks. He shrugged and gave the floor to her.

"No, Fionna…" the queen said, quickly queueing up responses in her mind as she spoke. "You're a human, and humans are very mortal."

"How do YOU know?" Fionna challenged, hand on her hips.

"Because you're the only one left on the planet, you dummy!"

Fionna opened her mouth, paused, then proceeded with, "...okay, I see your point, but that still doesn't mean I won't live forever!"

"Fionna, what are you talking about?"

"I ain't no dummy," she replied, now taking a decidedly scholarly tone. "I understand what it means to be immoral."

Both of her audience members suppressed the urge to giggle.

"Marshall, you're a vampire or a demon or something, so eternal life is in your blood...or your eyes, or whatever. And Ice Queen, you've got ice magic pumpin' around inside that tiara keepin' you alive. Right?"

She hopped the rail, staying careful to keep the robe closed as she continued. "Now, I'm deffo not a demon vampire thingy, and I doubt Marshall or anyone can just make me be one by chompin' on my neck like in the movies."

"We can always test that if you want," he teased.

"I'm taken, babe," Fionna replied, sticking out her tongue. "But! Thanks to good old Ice Queen here, I'm learning how to use that ice magic stuff too! And if learning equals not sucking at doing something cool, plus ice magic equals eternal life, then simple logic must incinerate that I'm gonna live forever! Soooo, yeah! Thanks for that one, queenie!"

A pause trailed after her words, hovering uncomfortably between the three of them as if her companions could see a pink elephant standing right behind her, holding a dripping knife and grinning maniacally. Marshall finally hopped down from the roof.

"Fi, you musta failed math or something," he said, giving her a funny look. "There's two of you, and only one tiara."

"Yeah, see, and I was thinking about that...".

"Fionna," Ice Queen suddenly spoke up. "...do you want the tiara?"

"Excuse you, I was in the middle of a flippin' sentence," Fionna replied, wagging her finger.

"DO YOU WANT THE TIARA?" the queen almost shouted.

Fionna's hands returned to her hips. "...what's gotten into you, Frosty? You look like you got diarrhea or something."

The queen steadied herself with a deep breath and took a step forward. "Just like this flake here said, there's only one tiara. I can teach you ice magic, sure, but through continued use, you'll eventually come to a point where you can't survive without the tiara...just like me."

Fionna didn't respond, just kept staring at the queen. She heard whispers in the air around her, and an unseen presence was gripping tightly on her wrist. The queen was right, she definitely wanted that tiara...at least, her brain told her she wanted it.

"And what happens then?" Ice Queen continued, taking another step. "When we both can't survive without the magic of the tiara, what will we do? Fight over it? An ice magic duel to the death, for the prize of eternal life? Which, let's face it, would be a pretty one-sided battle that you'd be sure to lose. It may not seem like we'd ever come to blows like that now, but believe me, prolonged exposure to the tiara will inevitably, eventually bring us that far...".

Marshall watched curiously as he noticed tiny lights flickering around Fionna's body. She definitely seemed tempted by the offer of power, or at least that's what his special demon vision seemed to be picking up. Whatever forces were at work here were definitely not ones he should be interfering with, no matter how fun it might make things. This incident was between the queen and the hero, and it was absolutely dead serious. Now he wished he'd brought a bucket of popcorn.

"So I'm offering you, Fionna," the queen continued, voice growing more confident, more sure with each step. "Before it ever has to come to that. Do you want the tiara for yourself? Do you want to become the next Ice Queen?"

A tremendous swell of magic pressed into her body, filling up beneath her ribs and trying to force her forward. YES, the whispers told her, louder than whispers had any right to speak. TAKE IT. The rushing streams of energy swirled around her, pressurizing inside her limbs and threatening to sweep her off her feet. Her eyes opened wide. The light was loud and the sounds were bright. And everything felt heavy.

But Fionna opened her eyes wider, and planted her feet hard, and in a clear, firm voice, shouted "BUTTS TO THAT!"

Everything stopped. Except time. And gravity. And the wind. And her own breath. And Marshall and the queen.

"Ice Queen, what the heck kinda poopy deal are you tryin' to scam me with?" Fionna accosted her.

The queen stared back, confused.

"Haven't you been listening to me at all?" Fionna groaned, striding over to meet her. "Yeah, I wanna learn ice magic, mostly so I can learn crystal magic, mostly so I can make my new crystal sword! And that's all! I don't need to steal your throne or your kingdom fulla squishy penguins! What kinda girlfriend steals her girlfriend's throne?! The kind in your stupid sad-romance books? That jazz is dumb as a box of rocks with the pox!"

"So listen up, frostbite," she said, reaching up and putting a hand on her shoulder. "I don't wanna hear any more of that snarky malarkey, ya hear me? Don't talk like that to me again!"

The queen frowned. "Well, okay, fine...but we still have a problem, then."

"What problem?"

"You won't live forever, Fionna!" she shouted, this time putting HER hands on Fionna's shoulders. "Even if I do teach you ice magic, your body is still mortal!"

"...so what?"

Ice Queen put a hand to her forehead. "The sheer density of your skull never fails to impress me…".

"Thanks!"

"Listen, Fionna...how are we going to enjoy life together if I know one day you're going to up and kick the bucket anyway?"

Fionna frowned and cocked her head. "...you're thinking about THAT? That's like…a million years in the future, queenie. We got PLEEEEENTY of time before then to enjoy our lives together. Like, muchisimos años!"

"Muchisimos años isn't as many años as you think they are..." the queen said with a sigh. "Not to me, anyway. One day you'll just end up as another chapter in my big brain-book of stories to remember…".

Fionna turned back to Marshall, who'd slunk back up against the house, wishing desperately he could be anything other than a third wheel at this point. He simply shrugged and resumed trimming his fingernails with his teeth. Fionna grunted and turned again to face the queen.

"Look queenie, you gotta stop living in the future," she scolded, flipping the wet tuft of hair out of her face once again. "We're livin' in the RIGHT NOW right now, and that means there's things goin' on RIGHT NOW that you're gonna miss if your head's the future clouds all the time! If you wanna talk about whether or not I gonna die in the future, at least do it after we get us some memories worth talkin' about first!"

"...and what, just ignore the big picture altogether?" the queen said with a scowl.

"YES." Fionna said, enunciating the word with a staunch precision that even Ice Queen had to admit was formidable and fearsome. Fionna had spoken the word not as an opinion, or a suggestion, but as if it were a bonafide, living fact. She had spoken it the way the queen herself would have spoken the word. The answer was going to be yes, and that was all there was to it.

"...well...alright, then," Ice Queen finally responded as her composure found itself again. "I suppose YOU will have to teach ME how to do that."

Fionna's grimace melted into a grin. "You bet your bits I will! Now come on, we got some most to make of this right now!"

The queen sighed, then looked down at the ground, then finally slipped into a half-smile. She'd been beaten at her own game. She'd lost to the girl she'd taken on as her own personal challenge.

No. She'd LET herself lose. She'd finally admitted defeat. The game just wasn't worth playing anymore if the only objective was to drag the game out as long as possible. She'd lost because she'd stopped adding time to the clock.

And if she was honest about it, losing just didn't seem as horrible a fate now as she'd imagined it would be.

A slow clap came from the porch. "Brava, ladies!" Marshall said with a flippant flourish of his hand. "I'm SOOO glad you're seeing eye to eye again, like good girlfriends should. Also does that mean you're done here, 'cause I've got some barfing to do."

"ARE we done, Fionna?" the queen asked, holding the Fionna in question back, for Marshall's sake. "I've kind of used up all my energy for the day and I wouldn't mind going home myself."

"Hmmm," Fionna mused, rubbing her chin with one hand and playing with the drawstring of her robe with the other. "I coulda sworn there was something else I was gonna add to this convo earlier, before I saw Marshall's mallows…".

"I don't WANT you to add any more to the convo," the queen replied flatly. "Come on, it's time to go home. Do you have to use the bathroom before we go?"

"Of course not, I just took a…".

All at once, the entirety of the universe zoomed in on Fionna's blank expression as a single spark lit up inside the light bulb of her brain.

"SHOWER!!!" she shouted.

"Again?"

"What, no!" Fionna said, hopping up and down. "Okay, so like! I thought of something awesome while I was takin' a pee in your shower, Marshall!"

"When you were WHAT??"

"Showers are where I do my best thinking!" Fionna explained, flapping her arms excitedly. "Anyway, yeah! I actually DO have a solution for our terrible tiara troubles!"

The queen's face briefly lit up in anticipation, but mostly in the anticipation of hearing a hare-brained idea coming from a hare-hatted girl.

Fionna's grin spread like peanut butter as she said, spreading her hands apart for effect, "Why don't we just MAKE a SECOND tiara?"

She grinned at Marshall, who tilted his head up and scratched his nose thoughtfully. She grinned at Ice Queen, who blinked a few times and looked down at the ground.

"Great idea, I know, I know," she said confidently, with a bow for good measure.

"...explain it, then," the queen said, concentrating on a clump of grass below as she prepared to interpret the words to follow.

"Well, if we can use crystalisis to make a sword," she said, gesturing with her hands, "Then how hard could it be to use it to make a magic tiara too, right? Isn't magic just science spelled backwards or something? Wasn't it you who said that? No wait, maybe I read it somewhere...but anyway!"

Marshall tossed his hands in the air. "Sounds like technobabble to me."

The queen seemed a bit more stricken with the idea, though. "...I can't believe I've never actually considered that, to be honest. I can probably divine which crystal alloy or combination the tiara's body is made from...then, maybe with a few light and revelation spells, we MIGHT be able to unravel how it was created...that's...actually, that's quite brilliant, Fionna!"

"I'm just gonna sit here and gloat about it for a few minutes," she said with a bucktoothed smile made of pure gloat.

"Hmm, doable, yes, but…" the queen hesitated, running mental calculations in her head. "It might take an awful lot of time, and we'd need dozens of extra resources. Maybe if we rearranged the living room...or built some kind of laboratory?"

"Laboratory?" Marshall chimed in. "If you need a hookup, I just might know a laboratory kind of guy who could give you exactly what you need...".

Ice Queen looked up to meet his gaze, and in an instant she too knew a laboratory kind of guy who could help. Fionna stopped gloating long enough to join the gazing party, realizing that she too knew a laboratory kind of guy who could help.

"Do it!" she said, pumping a fist into the air. "Speakerphone!"

Marshall reached into his back pocket, and with a flick of the wrist and a fancy spin, tossed a small cellphone into the air and landed it face-up on the porch railing. He tapped the screen with his pinky three times, and the speaker suddenly hummed to life with a dial tone.

"Hello, Candy Kingdom Palace, this is Prince Gumball speaking!"

"Hey Gummypuss, it's Fionna and company!" she shouted excitedly before anyone else could steal the introduction.

"Fionna!" came Gumball's voice in a pleased tone. "A delight to hear from you as always! I hope you've been well, I was a little worried when you didn't check in after I last saw you."

"Well, you know me, always getting into some kinda crazy adventure or another, right? Ha ha ha!"

"Yes...yes I certainly do know that about you," he replied, no longer sounding quite as pleased. "Uhm...what's the occasion this time, then?"

"Hoo boy...you may wanna flour up your buns and have a seat, Pinky," she said, leaning on the railing and smiling wider than she had in months over at Ice Queen, who could only smile back. "...'cause what I'm about to ask you is probably gonna be the very LAST thing you'll ever have expected me to ask you...".


	23. Spring Flurries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Could it possibly be? An actual...HAPPY ending???

The prince steepled his fingers and cast a wary glance around the area. Certainly no one would be awake at this hour, save for maybe old Miss Creampuff, or perhaps the forever enigmatic Peppermint Maid, but neither of them should give him any trouble, or worse, ask him any questions. Above all else, only discretion mattered for this mission. Discretion and timing.

He glanced again at his watch. It was time to leave.

With an audible gulp, he zipped up his jacket, laced up his boots, and set out under the soft cover of a magnificent and cloudless starry night.

Ease up now, Gumball, he told himself, straightening his spine as he walked. Keep a stiff upper crust. This is going to be no different than any other ambassadorial visit. The same as you've done for years upon years upon years. You're a pro, and there is absolutely nothing to fear at all about this.

...then why am I so terrified?

Off in the distance sang a chorus of frogs, one for each star in the sky by the sound of them. Fireflies flitted around, casting a strange dancing glow on the path at his feet. The air smelled of dewdrops. The whole spectacle felt like the first night of spring all over again.

He frowned at his watch and picked up the pace. Timing was critical, and if nothing else, he would absolutely not stand to jeopardize his pristine record of princely punctuality.

Only a mere two weeks had passed since the big, secret project had been completed. Two very radio-silent weeks, most of which Gumball had spent indoors or cautiously scanning the skies. Call it a habit or call it paranoia, but he was not about to be caught with his pants down in the event of a catastrophic Fionna failure.

But that's preposterous, he thought, shaking his head. Fionna very clearly insisted that she had everything under control. And when have I ever been failed with her on the case? She's always been my infallible champion. I have to trust her judgement!

He stopped and looked up toward his imminent destination, shimmering gently in the waning moonlight.

...somehow I can't find much comfort in that thought.

His attention was drawn away by the sound of something scuffling at his feet. He squinted to see a fat penguin falling all over itself as it half-waddled, half-rolled its way downhill toward him.

"Wenk," it said.

"Yes, yes, wenk to you too," the prince mumbled, waving the penguin away as he retrieved a flashlight from his backpack. The sky had brightened up during his walk, but only as far as a lighter shade of dark blue. The sun would be breaching the horizon soon...he might almost be late.

Flustered, he beamed his light over the vicinity, fallen snow gleaming back at him. Where was the entrance? Fionna had said it would be extremely obvious. Had the definition of "obvious" changed in the past two weeks?

He felt a tug on the leg of his pants, accompanied by another penguin grunt. He aimed the flashlight sharply down at the culprit and sighed dramatically. "I don't have any penguin munchies on hand. What do you want?"

The penguin blinked a few times in the spotlight, then squeaked and waddled off into the darkness, bumping into another penguin on the way. Gumball curiously traced his light behind them, and raised his eyebrows as snow gave way to ice, arranged in small rectangular slabs leading in an upward slant. Stairs. Ice stairs. These had most definitely not been here here before.

...obviously.

He gently placed a foot on the ice, arm immediately thrust out for balance, but to his surprise, he didn't slip. The ice was solid, and he might also have called it "dry" if his dedication to scientifically accurate terminology would have let him, and it proved no trouble at all to walk over. It was like walking on sheets of glass.

Impressed, Gumball began ascending the steps, taking hold of a freezing cold railing off to the side. The two penguins hopped up in tandem beside him, one step after another, soon joined by many others as they all climbed together.

The stairs wound around the sheer mountainside, carrying him up and around the steep peaks of the foremost mountains of the Ice Kingdom border. He anxiously glanced down at his watch again, then worry turned to smile as he confirmed that yes, he was, as he always was, right on time.

As he rose to the top of the grand crystal staircase, the first rays of daylight shot forth from over the horizon, lighting up the shadows to reveal a magnificent crystal castle towering before him. The walls of the castle were absolutely glittering, including the towers above and the parapets all around and the sharp crystal drawbridge in the front. Two massive gleaming fountains adorned either side of the snowy courtyard, both of them populated with bathing penguins. Those sudden shafts of sunlight were refracting off of every surface of snow and ice, producing tiny, sparkling halos of light in the air all around.

And when the drawbridge touched down before him, two figures appeared in the mouth of the castle. Their shadows dissolved in sparkles and rainbows as the two magnificent ladies stepped into the morning light, in their unrestricted, most regal glory.

"Hey Prince Gummybutt!" came the familiar voice of Fionna.

Gumball smiled and sheepishly waved back as Fionna and Ice Queen approached, seemingly in slow motion. He could see she had certainly undergone a number of radical physical changes, not the least of which was her pale blue skin and her massive, wavy hair. She was still dressed in a more casual two-piece outfit than the queen, though it still ran with fancy trim and puffy sleeves, and a pair of fuzzy climbing boots to complete the image. She hadn't gotten rid of her trademark bunny hat though, and the new tiara, a manufactured marvel of science and magic and magical science, sat calmly atop that.

All changes completely aside, she was still very much Fionna where it counted. And despite his instincts telling him to run away and hide from the approaching Ice Queen, he held fast to the comforting notion that as long as Fionna was still Fionna, everything would work out fine...

"Thank you for coming, Prince Gumball," Ice Queen said with some hesitation, reading his expression. "I know this must not have been an easy thing for you...but it does mean a lot to me that you came."

"Yes, well," he replied, diverting his nervousness by using large hand motions, "As an ambassador for my kingdom, and as a personal friend to your...ehm, co-ruler, I feel like this is a very important and promising gesture of goodwill for the future…".

"Oh come on and stop being all serious biz for a minute, would ya?" Fionna said, smacking him on the back. "Pop a seat and have some tea!"

"And Cake!" another familiar voice added, from beneath the table. Cake herself popped out from under it, stretching up and out to greet everyone, complete with plates of chocolate cake in either hand.

The prince chuckled and politely took a seat. That same inexplicable sense of confidence that only Fionna and Cake could inspire was hard at work again, and it quelled his anxieties with ease. Safety and serenity replaced fear and doubt, just as it always had whenever he had them around. Which reminded him…

"I have to say, Fionna, I can plainly see what a benevolent influence your presence has had on the Ice Queen," he said, gesturing to the benevolently influenced. "And while I'm pleased as pastries to see such progress, I do want ask…".

He paused to take a sip.

"...now that you also are an ice queen, who will I call when I need a hero?"

Fionna cocked her head, mouth full of cake and crumbs falling down the collar of her fancy shirt. "...whatchu talkin' 'bout, Gumbum?"

"I MEAN, now that you're living here with your girlfriend full-time, who will take over your role as the resident Hero, the Champion, the Defender of Justice, and whatever other titles people have given you over the years?"

"ME, silly!" she replied, knocking back the contents of her teacup as if it were a shot glass. "Who says I'm leavin' the Hero-ing business? It's not like me being an ice queen's gonna stop me from being a classy hero gal too! It just means now I get to save the day with cool ice powers on top!"

"...but...?"

Fionna slammed her palm on the table. "Look, the only butt around here is the snow butt we're gonna build after we've had our tea and cake! I've always been an adventurista in my heart and bones, and there ain't nothin' that's gonna change that course, got it?"

"You tell 'em, baby!" Cake joined in. "Besides, you still got me, I'm still gonna be around! I can be a hero too! Or did ya forget already?"

"Of course...who could ever forget you, Cake?" Gumball replied with a smile.

Cake half-smiled, then half-sighed, then side glanced over at Ice Queen. The queen met her eyes briefly, then looked at the ground in silence. Cake paused a moment longer, then shrugged. "Dang globbin' right!"

Satisfied, the prince again sipped his tea. "Well, hearing you say that certainly cools my cookies. Thank you, Fionna."

He turned to the queen and gave her a meaningful nod. "And thank YOU, Ice Queen. Er...FIRST Ice Queen, I mean. Both ice queens...ahm…".

"Hey, yeah," Fionna said, pointing a finger at the queen's nose. "There's two of us now, blubberbutt. You need a name. A normal name, I mean. Not just plain-jane-weathervane Ice Queen."

"Hmmm…" the queen mused. "You know, I did have another name, many many years ago, before this whole tiara affair was ever started. If memory serves - and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure it still does - I used to be called Sim--".

"Precious!" Fionna shouted triumphantly, snapping her fingers. "Your name's gonna be Precious from now on."

"Fionna…".

"Precious Butts," she said, rubbing her chin. "Yeah, that's perfect!"

Precious stared back at her, unimpressed. Fionna raised an eyebrow. Precious pursed her lips. Fionna stuck her tongue out.

"...well, what can I do about it anyway?" Precious shrugged, complete with an eye roll. "There's no victory in an argument with you!"

"Yer darn hootin'!" Fionna said proudly, taking a victorious mouthful of cake.

"Well alright then," Gumball announced, pushing his plate in and rising to his feet. "Fionna...ehm, Precious...I'd like to thank you for inviting me to this wonderful little get-together. I wish I had more time, but I'd best be on my way now, to resume my usual princely duties before any of my loyal citizens become suspicious of my absence."

There was a collective but understanding sigh among the group.

"...so perhaps we'd better hurry up if we're still going to sculpt that snow butt!"

"WOOO, atta boy, Princey!" Cake cheered, hopping up off her chair. "Let's get to it!"

As she and the prince trotted off toward the open courtyard, Fionna turned to her co-ruler and grinned. "Now see? I told ya things could work out much better if you just followed my advice!"

The queen sighed contentedly and smiled back. "I'll admit, your presence has really done wonders for my smile muscles."

"'Course it has, you absolute patoot," she replied, standing up to put an arm around her. "All you needed was an honest chance. Sometimes I think that's all anybody really needs...just to have someone around to help snap your life back into shape, reboot your brain, and just sorta be there to tell you that you're not totally bonkers."

The queen glanced up serenely into the sky for a moment, hair glistening softly in the sunrise, then glanced back down at Fionna. "...all I needed was someone like you."

Fionna met her gaze and then forced herself to turn away, cheeks flushed and smile uncontainable. "Yeah, well...I mean...what else are heroes for, right?"

She suddenly found herself looking again at the queen as she lifted Fionna's chin to face her. "Fionna, don't leave me hanging like that...".

She stared up into the queen's face, softer now than it had ever looked before. There was an indescribable newness to it now, a fresh and lively complexion full of promise and youth that Fionna had definitely never seen in her before. Her expression was sincere, her eyes earnest, and her lips eager…

She stood on tiptoe and pulled the queen in for a soft kiss. It didn't matter that her body had now been frozen inside out, that her brain was constantly humming with thoughts of winter, or that her very bones were now coated in frost. The queen's kiss still felt as electric today as it had the very first time. It filled her senses and floated her off the ground and lingered within her veins.

She finally pulled away, her breath steaming gently in the morning air. The queen smiled down at her, opened her mouth to add a comment, and decided it wasn't necessary. For some moments there are no words, for others they just aren't needed.

But they are needed to break the ice once the moment passes.

"Alright, Precious," Fionna said, taking in a deep breath. "Let's go touch that butt!"

"Right now? Fionna, it's probably good manners to at least wait until our guests have left...".

"You know what I mean, ya goober!" she laughed, pointing to Cake and Gumball's handiwork as she and the queen made their way over.

Every year, the cold, biting chill of winter slowly fades away to reveal the soft warmth of spring hiding beneath it. But no one can know with unwavering certainty the day it will come. For winter is tricky, and any perfect spring day can always be interrupted by an unexpected flurry of snow.


End file.
